Worst day yet with no trigger.

[Jhemoj]

I’m gonna be brutally honest here so maybe it’s best not to read if your feeling a little sensitive too today but I have to let it out somewhere, it’s eating me alive, no trigger no contact with my abuser no memories or flashbacks or nightmares for 24 hours, but I feel so free I feel like everything has hit me at once, that I’ve been so strong up until now because I wanted the case. Now that’s all done and I have to wait I feel like I’m in limbo, because of my abuser I lost all sense of self belief, I don’t know whar clothes or music I like, I always look to someone to tell me what to do, like I can’t quite make my own decisions just yet, he took everything and it’s making me so angry! How an the b*****d get to live his easy life while I sit at home suffering ?! How is it fair that as the victim you face more consequences in trying to get your life back on track?! I’m angry at the world Today, I’m
Angry at him and officials, I’m angrg at the law and the police, I just do not get it! It’s total s**t! & it’s beyond unfair! Every single day you hear of someone somewhere getting murdered by there abuser & most of the time their were warning bells ringing! It’s so so so frustrating that these F*****g idiots get to carry on like they never did anything when they don’t even deserve oxygen.
So yEah I guess I’m angry today, it kind of feels good. An alien feeling I’m not used toO! Just tell me it wears off in the end haha! Loads & loads of love ❤️

[fizzylem]

Go girl! Spit it out. Amen. Yup, yes, yeah! Pigs the lot of them. Law desperately needs to evole for sure, I hear yer! Ive been on my arse for too long, no home, lost my job, income and lifestyle, health; but you know what, I’m going to build it now from the ground up and make it better than ever before xx

[KIP.]

Anger is good. For years we weren’t allowed anger. Abusers don’t have a problem with their anger they have a problem with ours. So be angry. Be very angry. Be very very very angry. I channeled my anger into changing the system. I went through the process and every time I was let down I challenged that and changed they system. You have the power to do that too when you’re ready. I was once like you. Being free just didn’t seem right. I just couldn’t cope with not being told what to do, it was a struggle because of The programming done to me. What helped me was to think of a blank sheet of paper. You get to colour that page any way you choose. When you are ready you will fill that page with beautiful bright colours. Meantime just keep taking baby steps. Karma always catches up with these men. Even if we don’t see it, you know it’s coming for him x

[KIP.]

Or should I say she (karma)is coming for him x

[Peacethroughhealing]

I’m very angry and that’s a good thing because it’s making me strong to not have contact and let him lost his control. I remember a friend saying once that when they do these things to us they feed on it and it gives them energy watching us suffer and be hurt. I remember an episode in my house a few months ago when he completely lost it and I couldn’t get him to leave. He refused. I was in a terrible state when he eventually left and I found out later that he had just gone on about his day after he left my house and carried out tasks that he had needed to do while I was a wreck for the rest of the day and night. No more of that s…t. There was also a brief episode in a car when he completely lost it and I was shaking so much when I got to work and he just drove off and did what he had to do after he had been purple and screaming that he couldn’t carry on anymore and was going to go off and do something to himself. Now I know it was all about control and manipulating me. I was so worried about him and for us and he didn’t give a jot. He probably walked away laughing that he had hurt me. Now this does go back to things he saw in his childhood as I have been thinking a lot about it. I know I can’t open anything up on here but I think it has gone through a generation and as a child he witnessed things that maybe made him feel that it was acceptable to talk and act the way he does as there are other patterns with other things too. It is so sad but I can’t be party to it and he can’t keep treating me this way. I did say to him way back that there would come a point where if he kept going the way things were I would just shut off and there would be no going back and I do feel I am at that point. I am not saying that I won’t go back or that I won’t get in touch with him as it’s very early days but the anger is really in me now over him walking away scot free after all the pain and hurt he has caused me.

[diymum@1]

The thing is we get this mind set look what he’s done to me. Yes they tried to destroy us but dud they? No because we do get back up time and time again and we heal. The truth is they will never have the fulfilling life’s that we will eventually, they don’t have the ability to truly love and deep down and from what I’ve read this personality type constantly covers up deep shame and feelings of insecurity/inferiority xx I for one wouldn’t want to live like them for the rest of my life xx it’s another lens to look at this situation with xx love diymum

[Iwantmeback]

Hi PTH, I hear you, apart from the first day after leaving I’ve actually been fine, better than fine, great in fact.💞 I’ve seen him, spoke to him and still walked away to my own wee flat. Knowing I’m not with him, under the same roof, that feeling of relief, I’ve been able to breathe, it’s like elixir. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve planned leaving so meticulously, went through so many scenarios, that I’m not missing him, that I’d switched off from him for so long. I don’t get it, have I cried all my tears, screamed all my anger, where is it?
I was so nearly going to go back a little while ago. My daughter, son and dad are being selfish and controlling and manipulative, and so very sad. It’s not quite triangulation but it’s certainly something. I see everything so clearly now, I’m in the middle of what should be hell and I’m still trying to fix everyone else. The fact I can spend time with my family and he knows I won’t let him make any comments, should be a good thing, all it seems to be doing is opening the flood gates of hate and anger that have been locked away for so long. It’s not even a week since I left yet here I am trying to mediate as usual. Oh I could scream. My daughter used to say look to the future, look to the relationship you could have with us and your grandchild, now I’ve left she’s moving the goalposts, punishing me,it feels, saying she’s not sure they(her and my son) can have a relationship.she talks for the two of them I’m noticing. Do you know something, I kinda knew all along she’d say that. Thank goodness leaving wasn’t about having that relationship back, it was about leaving an abusive partner. I’m not replacing one abuser for anither!!! My thoughts were, what’s the point of this, if she’s being such an a..e, I’m as well with him as not. We’ll just up and move. BUT it WAS only a fleeting thought, common sense prevailed. What’s amazed me is how quickly I seem to have me back. My brother has been supportive yet said recently that if I do go back, he’ll still talk to me now cos I see what he’s like but he’ll never play happy families, so I feel I’m still playing piggy in the middle, just with different players. I feel as if I’m having to defend my oh, protect him, WHY IS THIS 😪😪

[Peacethroughhealing]

I think you have done your grieving over a long period after discovering who and what he is IWMB. That’s how I feel. When I first saw the full and true side to him I was horrified and it was like he had died. I couldn’t believe he could do something so terrible.That was my absolute worst time because I used to look at him with so much love and how could he do that to me after everything he’s said about me changing his life etc etc etc. I do feel now that I was just a commodity. Something he could feed off of and take what he wanted from me. Even though he did a lot for me at times he was also getting something from that or he wouldn’t have done it, I really believe that.So now, yes, I will still have dark days and really miss things we did together but I am holding onto the image last week of his face and his eyes and the anger and rage in them as he spat all over the steering wheel and kept screaming at me not to touch him when I tried to console and calm him down. Then when he said ‘you’re not getting a cuddle’ that ended it for me. He didn’t want to leave me alone in the past and wouldn’t let me get out of bed because he wanted to be close and I know it’s because I exposed him earlier in the year. I know I can’t say too much on here but that’s how things changed so drastically because I found out who he really was and let him know that I knew and it’s been a mess with him since.

[Iwantmeback]

YES, that’s it isn’t it, in the very beginning of realising what he was, it was like a death. I remember how awful I felt, looked. How I lost all interest in everything, couldn’t even do basic self care, barely managed to brush my teeth. Would get up in the morning cos I couldn’t lie in bed, yet just doing that exhausted me that I’d lie on the couch for hours, sometimes all day with the covers over me. That face they have when they really lose it, veins popping out spit running down their chin, on your face, that dead look in their eyes, I’ve seen that more times than i care to mention, it terrified me, God knows what it did to my children when they were younger, cos i see how they are now. My oh did a lot for me too, would be so thoughtful especially when my back was so sore, he’d run me baths, lift me in and out it, if he had to, but other times he’d so often say I was only kidding, make fun of me, oh my back! Told me there’s nothing wrong with you. I’ve found myself over the past months staring at him, looking for any remnants of the man he was, the man I fell in love with, but I only saw ugliness. Of course i see him now, now he’s sad and lost trying to win me back. I see kindness in his eyes again, but i know that’s only a mask. The audacity of them! to think if he just shows his nice side, I’ll crumble and fall at his feet, telling him I love him. Aye right then. Thank you for replying and reminding me, I was having doubts earlier, it wasn’t fir long, but you’ve reminded me why I’m doing this, thank you mo charaid💞💞 IWMB

[Peacethroughhealing]

You are very welcome. We are here to support each other through this. The man I fell in love with is getting more and more lost and the last time we had contact was me looking at him with rage in his eyes and nothing there as you said. All the put downs about me were really about himself I know that but it still hurts and the fact that he thinks he has an entitlement to do it too. I haven’t heard anything from him so maybe he wanted me to end it and he’s away with someone else who can fulfill the fantasy for him that he is this beautiful caring person because (he) I ruined that illusion when I outed him for what he really is. He did that but I am getting blamed and was told I provoked him to his limit. He said to me I can’t do this anymore as you are bringing out my ugly side now and I’ve never been like this before. This from the man who has had a prior conviction and broke bail to go back to the house. The police have still not been in touch with me which surprises me considering I have a card from them with a case number on it. They knew I was going away for a few days last week then said they’d be in touch but it’s been another week now. Part of me wants him done for it so he’s not going about spreading lies as to why we split and how I wasn’t good for him anymore…..from what he did for me at the start until mow – the changes in him are unbelievable IWMB and, yes, always try and hold onto how he mad you feel that first time when you discovered him. I too lost so much weight, couldn’t sleep, was heartbroken and like a zombie in work. This was the man that I wanted to spend my life with. Bit by bit he has stripped it all away and the sex wasn’t even the same as I felt him dead behind the eyes much of the time. How can you switch that off I don’t know – from being such an attentive lover to just leaving me there with hardly any emotions or love from him. I think he is ashamed of himself to be honest, I don’t think he can properly look me in the eyes now because I’ve seen the true him and he hates me for that…

[Jhemoj]

Well after my mini breakdown and aggressive ranting spree yesterday I feel a lot better today and a lot stronger, so much so i completed a few complaints and posted the letter I’d written to my MP & I was also able to give a lady advice (because my abuse was publically known) & she approached me, for
The fiRst time when I spoke about the Abu’s I didn’t break down! Go f*****g me im well proud!!!! He won’t win this, your stories are so inspiring your all amazinnnnnnnggg

[fizzylem]

Go Jhemoj! You sound like you’re on fire girl! Yeehaa! You cant keep a good woman down! So true. It’s part of the silver lining I guess, our dreadful experiences actually have many values, in what it teaches us and that it helps us to help others hey. You are amazing too, and don’t waste anymore time on those who fail to see this! x

[Author]

Posts