- This topic has 13 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.
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1st December 2020 at 8:46 am #117140AnonymousInactive
Im sure a lot of you ladies can picture the scene…
You’re in a good patch. Hes being nice! Really nice actually. You actually want to spend some time together. You have a couple of nice evenings. It’s all just normal, which is actually abnormal in the context of the relationship.
Then one day you wake up or one day you get in the house and he turns to look at you and…there’s that look. That look which says you’ve done something wrong. That look which you imagine other people might give to a cockroach or a stray hair in their food. And your stomach drops.
That’s where I am.
And I dont know if it’s abuse or an over reaction because he’s allowed a bad day or to be in a bad mood. He’s allowed to be p****d off because hey, even I get p****d off.
So I asked him if he was ok and got virtually snarled at for my troubles.
But we’re all allowed bad days.
But im scared.
I’m scared because if it’s not just a bad day then I’m for it verbally and if I get unlucky ill be standing in his way or not leave a room when he wants me to and a door will accidentally catch me.
So here I am hoping it’s just a bad day.
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1st December 2020 at 9:02 am #117143KIP.Participant
You’re scared and that’s all you need to concentrate on. You’re scared for a reason. You know this pattern. You’ve had the love bombing now comes the eggshells then the abuse. It’s all too familiar to you. You’re right to be scared. You need to get off the roundabout of abuse because he won’t. Keep your phone one you fully charged. 999 on speed dial and ring the police.
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2nd December 2020 at 8:14 pm #117231AnonymousInactive
Sadly youre right. I cant say much more because it’ll disclose too much but yeah, it wasnt a bad day or a bad mood.
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1st December 2020 at 1:19 pm #117156gettingtiredParticipant
Yes I know exactly what you mean. Or sometimes the fact you walk in the room and he purposely doesn’t look at you means he’s in one of his moods. Someone told me on here that abusers take great pleasure in deciding what kind of day we’re going to have which is so true. Some days mine will practically get out of bed singing songs, other days I’ll walk in the bedroom when he’s sat in bed and he won’t even look up from his phone. Or he’ll tell me he’s had horrific nightmares (doctor thinks he could have ptsd) and then I’ll get blamed for not showing him any sympathy or care. I hope you’re ok xx
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1st December 2020 at 1:23 pm #117157gettingtiredParticipant
We’re all allowed bad days yes. It might mean we’re a bit snappy or irritable towards our partner or something but we don’t deliberately go out of our way to be nasty to them do we? I personally don’t and I’m absolutely sure you dont either. Sometimes I try and put the boot on the other foot and imagine myself saying or doing some of the things he does and I think wow, I’d never say that to him! It’s still hard though as being empathetic people we think of an excuse or reason as to why they must be behaving that way x
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2nd December 2020 at 8:18 pm #117232AnonymousInactive
Thank you x
Yes to everything you said. I find it even harder because in my training there’s a big drive to be reflective “what could I have done differently to achieve a better outcome?”. And obviously he’s more than eager to tell me how his reaction is my fault. Unlearning that is hard.
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2nd December 2020 at 12:02 am #117178CamelParticipant
What do we really mean by ‘good’ days and ‘bad’ days?
Aren’t all days the same for us? Hyper-vigilant. Upbeat. Attentive. Every day we anticipate his needs and stroke his ego.
Can we say it was a good day just because we didn’t argue, held hands, laughed?
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2nd December 2020 at 8:23 pm #117234AnonymousInactive
True, I guess for me it’s comparatively good days. Days when there’s not all out abuse. Days when I let my guard down just a little, maybe say something about my honest opinions, maybe laugh at something I find funny.
Obviously I’m paying for that now – seems I’ve inadvertently given ammunition for the latest barrage of “things that are bad” about me list.
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7th December 2020 at 11:30 am #117402CatjamParticipant
Its funny how a look or a shrug can summon up so much anxiety. Mine is promising change but clearly doesn’t have as much control over his body language as he would like to think. either that or he is still playing mind games probably some of both.
We are worth so much more and need to start convincing ourselves of this truth. These men are so good at what they do its alarming.
take care xx -
7th December 2020 at 2:12 pm #117404hopParticipant
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. People do have bad days but I’m sure your bad days don’t cause a physical stress response in him. Stay safe lovely one 💙
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8th December 2020 at 9:36 am #117434AnonymousInactive
@freedomfries01 physical stress response is real isn’t it! It can’t be healthy
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14th December 2020 at 3:49 pm #117793MadmamParticipant
@Sande I feel you. (detail removed by Moderator) having a few drinks, just us. He switched (detail removed by Moderator) channel and me, without my guard up, dares to say something humorous like ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ along with a smile and an eye roll. You know, a bit of a laugh. Cue the atmosphere plummeting and the temperature drops. He sulks with me. I reassure him (detail removed by Moderator) times but get nowhere so retreat to bed even though I wasn’t finished a couple of lovely well earned drinks.
It’s mad how quickly a nice night turns into a s**t one.
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