Yeah great refuge, but now what

[Butterflyfreely]

When i was still with my abuser i started meeting with womens aid – it took years to get the courage, and they helped me think that maybe i could leave they would talk to me for hours each week, seemed to give me a lot of attention , so perhaps too quickly i fled – quite literally and unexpectedly and with their help travelled hundreds of miles away from family and friends and home, and i thought that i would get a lot of support given the nature of the abuse i have gone through – i have been brainwashed to believe certains things, emotionally, physically, sexually and mentally and financially abused, but its basically been me put in a refuge that is with one other person who is out most of the time, and i have been alone, regretting my decision, i have been diagnosed with a mental health condition, and just left to my own devices, i miss home, my house, my ex, who has stolen a lot of my stuff by keeping it from my family who tried to collect it after i left, he is showing his true colours, and yet i still wish i had stayed to have daily abuse rather than this abyss of not being able to do anything – the trauma has caught up with me and i am off sick and alone and feeling like there is no future.
My family try to understand, but they don’t get it, its just a lot of blaming him and me for putting up with it so long, and this sense of i should just move forward, be free etc, but im just not feeling it, like the past is in the past, thats it now, be who i was.
but they dont get that i cant be that again, because that was not good for me either.
my ex spent a lot of careful time and energy working his abuse in such a way that he seemed like he was helping me work through my psychological issues, and so no amount of tryig to move on and cope with my psychological issues is going to help me escape the damage he caused, and when i try to explain the abuse to people, they just dont get it.

Thank you for listening

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Butterflyfreely

We do get it. We do hear you and understand.

When you land in Refuge, away from the continual chaos and abuse, the continual watching for the next move, the continual monitoring yourself, your words, your actions in case they are taken the wrong way, its a massive shock to land alone, quiet, no abuser, nothing. Its what you need, but it feels so so alien, which, of course it would. It takes some getting used to as it is the complete opposite of what you have been suffering under for so long.

I am glad you are free from the daily, minute by minute self-monitoring necessary to survive, try to be patient with yourself, do as much as you can for you. Have you been out to look around the area and find your way about? I am sorry you are so far from any friends and family. Can they come visit you at a meet up point nearby so you can spend some much needed time with them?

Your family need to report him to the police for not letting them collect your belongings, thats theft.

Its hard when many don’t understand why women stay in abuse for sometimes their entire life, but its especially painful when its your own friends and family, maybe in time you will have words to explain to them that its such a horribly complex dynamic that not everyone has words forand that its expecting a lot of them to understand unless they can study it for themselves to help support you and be less judgemental.

take lots of care of you.

warmest wishes

ts

[Butterflyfreely]

Thank you for your understanding and kind words twisted sister – love the name by the way! the thing is that i almost dont want to look after me, like i dont care, like going back and having someon to be friends with at times and talk to even when it was bad is better than this feeling of being dumped away from all ive known, and i feel so agrieved because its my house (rented) that he is in, and ive had to leave and like the last few years which have been good sometimes and bad others, but they dont mean anything to him, that if he’s the monster everyone says he is, then it means he never loved me and ive wasted my years, and now i feel so hollow that im not sure i want to bother going forward at all – whats the point because i bet he will come after me one day and hurt me so i cant relax, or if he doesnt it means he neve cared and all those things meant nothing, and hes keeping my things out of spite, because tey are things that he gave to me, some had a lot of love and significance, and now that ive gone, its like he’s thrown me away, and most think i should be happy ive left but all i can think about is the being thrown away, after i endured a lot of suffering to prove to him i loved him, and i feel unbelievably stuck and like my existence is pointless.

[Butterflyfreely]

and im not very happy with an aspect of womens aid which is this – while i was in te relationship in my local area i had a lot of support, but once ive left and in a different area, i get one hour a week, which is actively clock watched, and no counselling yet, so i feel dumped by them to a little, because i need more help to understand what is going on with my head now, and what happened then too. But its like because im out i dont matter as much now.

[Twisted Sister]

The shock of being left alone is vast, and sometimes incomprehensible to us. There is also the shock of having come from a dynamic of high intensity, to nothing, plus you have left everything you know behind.

Its sad that this is the lengths you have to go to just to have basic safety in your life, become a refugee, and it stinks, yes, it truly does. There’s also a lot of anxiety building in the run up to leaving, and you’ve had lots of input and now its all flat.

Would it help you to put all this in writing to your support worker to take to the session, or email in advance of the session, she can address some of these painful feelings with you.

There is so much to process at the beginning, it can be overwhelming. I could cry for you honest I could, its a very hard place to be. Can you try to just think in terms of a few days, or even a day at a time, looking at things to get involved with around you, giving yourself a break with some long walks, or finding out where there are meet ups going on, again, your support worker could help with this. They may be leaving you time to yourself to settle in? Plus, I think it can be harder on a weekend, especially a bank holiday weekend. Try to throw yourself into things you enjoy whatever they would be. Do keep posting here and letting us know how you are getting on. You feel alone, but sadly there are so many women who have trodden this path before you, and also on here. We’ll walk with you all we can.

I definitely think that those around your local situation will have felt a strong drive to be involved and get you to safety, and yes, once you’re safe the pressure is off, but, this is how that leaves you feeling, and you need carrying through this bit too til you find your feet. When you see your worker this week you could ask for groups, meet ups, coffee mornings, activities and such to throw yourself into, to get a break from the post-break away drama.

Sending you strength and hugs

warmest wishes

ts

[Mellow]

Oh I’m so sorry you feel this way my mum suffered abuse from my father and step father and said the same thing it does things psychologically to you when you are in it you don’t don’t or feel like you can’t leave my mum had a break down and I’ve had panic attacks you don’t realise relationships do this to you I’m glad you’ve got support but like you said what next if you are left it sounds like you need additional therapy could you find any new hobbies or anything to take your mind off.my mum said the same people don’t understand I remember spending time in a refuge as a child

[Butterflyfreely]

Thank you so much for your support and kind comments, i am really struggling, and it really does help to feel like im not alone, and other people actually properly understand what im going through, sometimes its hard to get through minutes even, and i have a constant nagging feeling like ive made the biggest mistake of my life by leaving. I have been trying to engage in some things- hobbies, but i find i have no concentration for anything, work or hobbies, and no real enthusiasm, i have gone for long walks, but it makes me miss the amazing scenery and nature walks i used to have literally round the corner from where i used to live, and i hadnt finished exploring that area before i was forced to leave, having spent years wanting to live there. Here, there’s some scenery but mostly town, and i miss trees!
I just have trouble picturing settling in to a life here when i was still trying to settle into a life there. this location is complicated too (detail removed by Moderator), and travel in the future will not be easy, as everything like that will have to be planned, and i guess i feel hemmed in a bit.

Thank you for your suggestions, i am going to try to address this with my advocate again tommorrow, i also need to write a statement summng up many years of abuse, and they’ll want dates and thing i just dont remember, and am trying to decide whether its worth taking legal action or not, but i am finding any excuse to procrastinate because its so uncomfortable for me.

I also have to decide whether to cancel my tennancy at the old address or transfer it to him (for the sake of the dog i love) and because i am i nice person. But i hate that he might get to live in my house that we were both setting up together, mostly with my money (detail removed by Moderator) – its just not fair! And even if i go the legal route and it all works as its supposed to (unlikely) he will still get off too lightly im sure, and thats only if he doesn’t do what he says he can and avoid/control legal situations, and have me and my family hurt/killed, most think he is just making up stories and is a fantasist, but im still very fearful he’s not. How do you weigh up getting (so-called) Justice over potentially putting yourself in further hot water?

Anyway, sorry for rambling on, but thank you very much for listening, I had no idea how hard it was going to be after leaving, when i was in it i bounced from having future fantasies involving me and him having this amazing calm life he had promised verses me having a calm single life doing what i want when i want thinking that once i was out i could persue this, but now its like its further away than it was then.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Butterflyfreely

This is only for as long as you need it. Its good you will see your advocate tomorrow, be sure to have everything ready to really make the most of the time you are given. You could just look at it as a holiday, use the buses to explore the more rural walks if thats what might give you some break from the thinking and emotional side.

You’re definitely not alone, and you need to make your decisions about what he meant with his threats, but I wouldn’t treat them as nothing. Some do throw empty threats, but you don’t want to risk it and you know him better than any on the outside.

I hope you have a quiet night, and some good rest.

warmest wishes

ts

[Anonymous2022]

I’m so sorry. You are going through so much. You sound to me like a very brave and strong person – to leave such hideous abuse and a lovely home. I’m not in a shelter but I know since I ‘outed my abuser I’ve been going through lots of ups and downs. Sometimes I feel very drained. Other times I feel strong. Someone on this forum told me it’s totally natural to feel stuck in ourselves (and it sounds like you’re also physically stuck). We’ve spent so long focusing our energy on them, trying to predict moods, thinking hard about the ‘correct’ response and more. Its exhausting and incredibly anxiety inducing. We need time to let our minds and bodies reprogramme. I get frustrated with myself some days for just lying in bed, but I need to tell myself that if that’s what I need then that’s what I need.

The GP prescribed some anti-anxiety/anti-depressants which help take the edge off of some of the worst side effects (panic and anxiety attacks). I’m also getting help from Victim Support – you may want to seek them out for extra support.

You are so strong. Biggest hugs.

[Butterflyfreely]

thank you for your comments and support. I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time yourself anonymous2022, it sounds like you’ve been a lot stronger than, me. Tonight i find myself in floods of tears missing my abuser, i want to see him again, but know i can’t probably. You are so brave if you went to the police, i’m still struggling with writing a statement, and not sure if i will go the to police at all, its like i think its ok what he did, and im ready to forgive him again because im lonely and i miss his personality and ive on some level forgotten all the pain he caused me while simultaneously berrating him for keeping most of my possession and living in my house and seeming like the agrieved party.

Here comes another spiral, i get fed up of the whole thing, and wish he would just come and kill me already, anything is better than the waiting and wondering what he will do and what he is thinking, and if he is missing me at all or just a blank canvas looking for the next victim now that the control is gone.

Everyone keeps describing him as this controlling individual (which he is) but like he was also very loving and considerate and supportive, but then they say he was a monster who would’ve killed me – i cant fit both concepts in my head.

Thank you for listening i hope i can one day feel as strong as some of you ladies on here, but for now every second seems to hurt..

[Twisted Sister]

We all go through the same, or very similar, to what you are going through now, especially anyone who’s been through Refuge, or had to escape from their own home.

You’re right, its extremely difficult to hold two such opposing views in your mind about someone, someone who’s your enemy that you love, miss, thought you had a genuine kinship and connection with, only to find out that they are capable of stuff that completely conflicts with all those things!

Its cognitive dissonance, and its what holds women in relationships. One or the other things has to be right, they can’t both be, but yes, even monsters can have cute furry faces. I mean look at lion cubs, or tiger cubs, they look so cute and appealing, yet they could rip your face off and have no loyalty to a human. How can something so gorgeous looking be that. That kind of thing.

Personally, I think to see who someone is you have to see how they are in the worst of times, when things are not going well. People often don’t show their true side out there socially, but indoors is a different matter, but you should never be scared of your partner, never. Thats all you need to know to be sure they are no partner no matter what sparkly promises they try to entreat you with to draw you back.

Trouble is it is even harder to be alone once you’ve been through this experience, you absolutely need company and friendship, distractions and positive experiences, and the draw is strong to still believe you can easily go back and get this from them, but there’s the risk, as once you are back, they generally become even more possessive, because you left once.

I hope you have been able to get out in the bits of warm weather we’ve had.

warmest wishes

ts

[StrongLife]

It’s difficult to up and leave and move almost overnight. I have gone this more than once.

It is frightening time, meeting others etc. not knowing your future and if provided space to think.

I know I had good and bad days there and it became better once I got more stable housing.

It’s only for short term and is transitional and will get you out and away from him. Stick it out, I’m now in rental, with all the goods I need, pets and clean house in nice area living quiet peaceful life. Most importantly I am safe.

Hope that helps

[Author]

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