Youngest son’s contact

[Serenity]

I remember when I rang the NSPCC quite a while ago, when he was putting on the good dad routine. I explained how when he’d lived at home, he had little patience with the kids, how he’d been intolerant of their noise, begrudged them things, tried to rule them like Hitler and had been told my eldest he’d never wanted kids in the first place.

Then,around the divorce time, he’d made out he was a loving dad. I had to go through the pain of him charming the CAFCASS workers with his silver tongue, and one of them even treating me like I was the one at fault.

My eldest was told he has a choice whether to see his dad or not. I don’t get involved. It’s got to be his choice. He sees his dad intermittently.

My youngest wasn’t given a choice. He was told he had to have contact. I never trusted the readings for my ex wanting contact. I also knew it was only a matter of time before he started to show impatience and anger towards him again.

A couple of months back, he dumped my youngest home a day early, with what seemed to be all my son’s stuff. It was like he’d chucked him out, told him to clear out his things. My son was distraught. He wouldn’t tell me exactly what happened, but I can imagine. When my ex lived here, his big weapon was to threaten to leave us. Now he’s gone, his only weapon is to chuck people out of his new place. My youngest is only young: it’s so cruel.

My ex has begun to cancel contacts and to return my son home early, most recently two days early, without warning. Of course, I was happy to have him back, but what if I had been away? Also, when he returned him, my son was- again- in a very emotional state. This time, he had none of his things with him, because everything was at my ex’s house- clothes, iPad, etc. It was like he’d dropped my son off on impulse- or maybe in anger (again).

He then refused to return my son’s things to him. So even though my ex is meant to keep a distance from me, I had to travel quite a distance with my son to go and get his things from his dad’s, as he was so worried about his things. I parked a distance from my ex’s house so didn’t see him. He didn’t come out: I don’t think he would have wanted to have done so in public ( I parked outside a public building) as I am sure he’s trying to make out to the new locals that he’s a good guy. He wouldn’t have wanted me threatening that image. I still felt vulnerable and controlled, being made to go all he way out there, near to where he lived.

My heart broke for my son. First, he gets chucked out of his dad’s with all his things. Then he gets dumped early and his dad separates him from his possessions, refusing to return them.

It’s like he’s treating my son like he treated me. Cyclical threats of abandonment and unkindness and anger outbursts.

It’s laughable how nobody official saw through him. Now I am having to watch my son going through the pain I did. Every time he goes to his dad’s, my heart is in my mouth. I never know what state he will return in.

I feel so angry. I gave birth to my beautiful son, yet officials who don’t know us from Adam deliver my son to the wolf, force him to go through the cycle of abuse that I did. It’s sickening.

[Peaceful Pig]

Serenity, it is so unfair that the system causes your son to be unprotected from this emotional abuse and so hard to feel powerless to protect our own children. Remember that he has you, a strong, safe base to return to, something you didn’t have the luxury of. Yes his feelings are being hurt and toyed with, but he also knows your steady, unconditional love and will therefore have the resilience to withstand this. It won’t be so long until your son will be of an age that a court wouldn’t enforce the order if your son didn’t want it. Your ex is setting himself up for a lonely old age xx

[Lyng]

I totally understand where you are coming from. My girls treat me poorly in part because they’re know I won’t leave and they are unsure what he will do. He takes them one time and not the next, keeps them late or dumps them early. He doesn’t care. It’s a game to him. The system does not acknowledge this type of abuser uses the kids for revenge. It has some Pollyanna ideal that all parents actually care for their kids.

[Knots]

Hi all, I have grown up children and still live with my bullying husband, hopefully not for to much longer. I know the current wisdom says protect your kids by not criticising their father, but I think that should be reserved for revenge criticism that is just about couples point scoring. In an abusive relationship I think the rules need to be different. I decided to talk to my kids honestly about their dad’s bullying and cruel behaviour and make it clear it wasn’t their fault. My eldest got the worst of it and suffered because it was a long time before I knew what he was saying to her and she thought I agreed. Telling them his behaviour is wrong, that their dad had some issues he was struggling to deal with and their understanding of the fear he creates has helped them cope with difficult times. It meant they felt they could always come to me to talk and I could reassure them. They also support each other. We are all very close now.
I don’t know how other parents have coped or what they think of this.

[Suntree]

I understand where you are coming from. Mine never took anything with them they weren’t okay not having back.
Mine broke the contract so badly and the state they came home in he, until we go back to court he is not to see them.
I am completely within my rights to keep my children safe and out of harms way.

However I we are still struggling with the after effects of the abuse and because school are doing an NSPCC course without any counselling it has thrown triggers up all over the place and I am now going to have to get some more play therapy for them.

Can I suggest Child line for your children. Mine have used it.

I struggle with wanting to say some home truths to the “professionals” who send the children to be further abused, because they put the rights of the adult over the safety of the children.

[EeyoreNoMore]

It hurts doesn’t it. These strangers come in and judge us and they have no understanding of abuse at all. They think they know but they don’t.

When my drama is over, this is where I’m targeting my venom. These people should be educated as part of their training. If they deal with abuse on a daily basis they should be going out of their way to understand it.

Serenity, all I can suggest is that you keep the lines of communication open with the youngest. We’ve just created a Worry Box which she was very excited about. She’s made some serious disclosures that he’s coaching her too.

💔

[Serenity]

Thanks everyone.

I think my son will think twice about taking his prized possessions there again. When he goes again, I will maybe suggest that he doesn’t take anything too valuable to him.

I think you are right: bad-mouthing for revenge is unhelpful and wrong, but not saying anything when bad treatment occurs is also wrong- both because the children need to talk about any continuing maltreatment, but also because as parents, I think it’s important for kids to realise that certain behaviours are wrong. If we say nothing, they will think their dad’s behaviour is acceptable, and will treat their own families like that in the future.

Thank you all. 💛

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