This topic contains 17 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  Restorergirl 3 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #99293
     Onlyintime 
    Participant

    Does anyone else get told almost daily that they are in a mood or that they are depressed…or that they are miserable. Mine always tells me I’m in a bad mood on days where I think I’m ok. That I’m snappy..did I take my anti depressants today?

    Just wondering if this is a unique thing that he does to me. Just thinking.

  • #99295
     Cecile 
    Participant

    No I had this. Or if I tried to discuss his bad behaviours he would snarl “no it’s you, actually” up in my face, intimidating me. Blaming me for being miserable. It’s because you are not feeding his need for constant positive regard. Narcissism. Remember these men create what has been called long grey cold miserable relationships. Your feelIngs arise from this. Your feelings and emotional state are valid. He is trying to control you, even your mind and emotions. If you want to be miserable and sad then you that is your right. If you want to keep your feelings quiet and private that is your right. Keep your happy moments and good thoughts just for you, to validate your self.

  • #99297
     Onlyintime 
    Participant

    So it is common. Nearly daily for x amount of years he has said this. What’s wrong with you ur so depressed and miserable..then doesnt want to know if there is something wrong. I hate the way he asks me if I took my medication that day. He has a little name for it which is so annoying. Yes I am snappy because I’m frustrated at every little thing he does. Down to stupid things like..if we are both in the doorway I have to move to give him way. He is physically a lot bigger than me and he knows it. But if I say anything about maybe him letting me past..its a night deal. I hate men I really honestly do and once I’m out of this..I will never ever look the road a man is on.

  • #99299
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    No it’s blame isn’t it, and trying to make you belive this is all your fault – doesn’t matter what you do or say they will always find some way to make it your fault or that you’re in the wrong. Like you’ve noticed, you can be feeling ok and you are still moody.

    Instead of saying have I done something to upset you? Is there anything I can do to help? I’m sensing some distance between us. The fact is you are distancing yourself from him, and he’s not responding to you, because he doesn’t want to help, does not want to accept it his behaviour that is causing the problem here for you both, would mean helping, being concerned, being considerate, attending to you or the problem – responding to the situation – which means first taking on some personal responsibilty for his behaviour – and he’s not going to do that is he.

    Are you taking anti depressants to numb your feelings; and for help with feeling unable to cope? Only if so, no one should have to medicate to maintain a relationship should they – highly likely it is the relationship that is the root cause for depression and anxiety – which are normal and expected feelings when in an abusive relationship – this is your emotions trying to tell you to leave – to change it. If you feel you likely wouldn’t need medication if you were free of him this is a strong indicator x

  • #99300
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    I used to get this too, pretty much daily. It made me think everything was my fault. I actually contacted a counsellor because I couldn’t understand why I was so unhappy all the time when I had everything I ever wanted. Ha! Luckily she made me see that he was abusive. My mum is clinically depressed and I’ve had a very difficult relationship and felt let down by her over the years, and he used to play on this and say I was like her, which would panic me. Remember it’s not you, it’s definitely him! X

  • #99302
     Onlyintime 
    Participant

    Yes you are right. I could be going about my normal business and he will randomly say this and I say that I’m fine. Then he says I’m barely speaking to him. Let’s face facts he has no intrest in anything I want to talk about. I have no intrest in what he wants to talk about. If I tell him something important which doesnt require him to ask why.he will ask why. Its dumb but it’s like hitting my head off a brick wall. My medication began at (detail removed by moderator). I was ok for a while didnt need anything but maybe (detail removed by moderator) into the relationship I started them again and have only been off them when pregnant. That’s nearly a decade later. The games they play its mad to think that they know what they are doing. I look st him and ask myself does he really know what hes doing or is he just a spoilt brat who kicks off when he doesnt get his way. He always gets his way anyway having thought about it. Doesnt matter if I have an opinion on anything I still rely on him to make the decisions about everything. I enquire if it’s ok to go shower for goodness sake. What have I become. Who in their right mind needs permission to shower or to go to bed. Even if I am exhausted if he wants to watch a film I will so to avoid a mood if I dont. Then he tells me that he is not my keeper and I can do whatever I want.

  • #99303
     KIP. 
    Participant

    It’s gaslighting crazy making behaviour and unless you’ve experienced it, it’s really hard to explain. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He chooses to hurt you and to belittle you and blame you for everything. He enjoys the feeling of superiority he gets. It doesn’t matter if you’re the most perfect wife, he will simply change the goal posts. He’s the reason your on medication. I spent decades trying to fix a problem that was never mine. You don’t have a problem. He has the problem and you’re paying the price. Usually in these relationships he gets to thrive while your mental health takes a dive. Have you read Living with the Dominator?

  • #99304
     Onlyintime 
    Participant

    Hi kip I did indeed and the similarities are uncanny…even the sentences that comes out of his mouth. But do they have the mindset of..” I’m gonna do this today so she feels crazy” ” I’m gonna say this to annoy her” it’s hard and I mean really difficult to accept that I am a play thing for him. I am the perfect wife on paper. Yes I am moody but its frustration. I need out of this and I know I keep saying it and I WILL do it I’m just trying to understand and educate myself as best as I can. The one who says that he would go without so I could have, the one who just wants the best for me.

  • #99307
     KIP. 
    Participant

    It’s beyond devastating to accept you’ve been abused by someone you love and you thought loved you in return. The reality is these men tear us apart piece by piece. They enjoy it. They see us as less than equal. They feel entitled to abuse us. It always gets worse. They just don’t think the way we do and they will destroy you and your mental health and not care. They wear a mask and occasionally you will see that mask slip and the real nasty selfish self service face appears. The ‘nice’ him is the fake him. It’s shocking to accept so we try to make excuses. Google cognitive dissonance. Write a journal of every time he’s hurt you, abused you, called you names, made you feel c**p. You will soon see a pattern of behaviour. That’s not someone who cares and nurtures x save yourself, look out for yourself because he won’t x

  • #99309
     KIP. 
    Participant

    And yes they do have that mind set. It’s more like this is how I’m going to make myself feel big, I will call her names, put her in her place, how dare she think she can talk to me like that. Imagine we all carry buckets, and he will constantly put his c**p in your bucket until you’re dragging a full stinking bucket of c**p and despair while his bucket is light and empty and smells great and he floats along with his smug smile.

  • #99310
     Cecile 
    Participant

    If you read Why Does He do That? By Lundy Bancroft, he talks about the gaslighting. He has worked with perpetrators and he says that they are always very aware and conscious of what they are doing. In my experience this is true. I thought for years my abuser was possibly autistic. Then I thought he had dementia. Medical and other tests show he is very low in empathy with high intelligence and perfectly healthy. It was a hard learning curve.. more of a plunge really… to accept that he actually spent time and energy thinking up ways to torment me, then pretend he didn’t know what I meant if I complained. Your focus on trying to solve this is not just draining you of your much needed energy, it is his fuel for continuing. Someone said recently, these men need to see you’re anger, not in a physical way but through your actions by getting out and taking action to stop them. This is true.

  • #99320
     TheHopeThatKillsYou 
    Participant

    Yes, I get this all the time. And despite it happening often, every single time, even when I say “no, I’m actually alright”, I end up questioning myself and then I end up feeling down for that reason! Madness. One night recently he kept going on and on, basically saying he could tell something was wrong and he wished I would just say (there was NOTHING wrong) and wound me up so much that I ended up shouting at him and we had a big row and he said it was all my fault! Crazy-making.

  • #99344
     Onlyintime 
    Participant

    Yes! This is what he does.. its infuriating. Glad this is a common this and I’m not cracking up. Well I am but I’m starting to slowly understand that this is not my fault. Or yours!

  • #99345
     confusedallofthetime 
    Participant

    I get this all the time. ‘no wonder your family/friends don’t like you you’ve always got a face on’ ‘why are you sulking’ (this one infuriates me, so he used it the most) ‘what’s wrong with you tonight”you’re always in a mood’ ‘what’s the matter with you now?’ – oh, and my all time favourite…’you look ugly when you’re p****d off’ said with a laugh.

    Usually this is when I’m sat there absolutely fine. At first I used to blame my RBF, but now? I know it’s all mind games.

  • #99348
     Onlyintime 
    Participant

    I agree..engrossed in a tv programme which means I’m in a mood I’m planning something. He will also randomly tell me…at any time..that I’m up to something. What are these people

  • #99350
     Cecile 
    Participant

    Yes I have been told by him several times that everybody hates me and nobody likes me. Thank god for social media and emails as I was able to see by my friends contacts that this is not true. I replied once to him ‘some people like me, some people don’t like, but lots of family love me” and I held up my phone to show it was all in there. Shut him up and looked like his tiny mind was short wiring. (BTW that’s another thing they accuse us of, having tiny minds).

  • #99354
     Onlyintime 
    Participant

    I think mine has also told me nobody likes me. In fact yes he has. God they are cruel. Last night there was an argument and thanks to this forum I am starting to now see him as he is. He slipped up last night and was very rude to someone who he would never have been rude to. Mask slipped a bit. Now it’s all the niceties.

  • #99363
     Restorergirl 
    Participant

    Ref boyfriend’s (detail removed by moderator)old son.
    I only have to say ‘hello’ in reply to his very rare, ‘hello, you all right?’ and I get a nasty reply ‘oh, it’s like that is it?’.
    Doesn’t matter how I say hello, in a normal type of way, every time it’s taken that I’m in a bad mood. Then he goes telling everyone that ‘she’s in a bad mood again’.

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