- This topic has 10 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
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Hi again. Thank you for welcoming me.
They say if your gut is telling you something, trust it. Well, I should have trusted it yesterday when it was telling me that (detail removed by moderator) will not be as cheerful.
Through all the week I was beautiful, I looked good in sport clothes, I was the best wife and I got flowers. You should have seen them. I haven´t seen a bigger bouquet of flowers in my life. Of course, I had to state (detail removed by moderator) how beautiful they are. then one thing happened for which I am not sure if I should really take it as a joke, because it isn´t for me. We were applying (detail removed by moderator) on hands and gel squirted a bit of hands. Then he asked: (detail removed by moderator). I have to stress that this happened in public. He said it was a joke. But I highly doubt this can qualify as a joke as it does not, at least for me. (Detail removed by moderator) I was listening to the festival on the radio and I was preparing (detail removed by moderator) and dancing, because I was in a good mood after few (false) good days. He never likes when I sing and dance around the kitchen or if I am very excited. I can not understand why he can not be happy for me, like I am for him. Then he put (detail removed by moderator) and said that it is impossible to talk to me and then went to the bedroom. Of course, I knew what he is doing, he enjoys when he sees that I can not take it anymore. I slept on the couch. I can not sleep next to him anyway. When I came to pick up my things in the bedroom I told him (detail removed by moderator). He ´´´thought´´ I said I will not let him access it, so he got his angry eyes again, (detail removed by moderator) in threatened that he will throw all of my clothes out of the window. I just closed the doors and said that I will not talk to him until he apologizes. He still didn´t. (detail removed by moderator) he took our (I don´t like saying that as he doesn´t even feed him or gives him water) dog hostage when I went for my morning run. He came back (detail removed by moderator) and he has been gone for (detail removed by moderator) at least. He knew that it will hurt me because my dog is not at home. Also he does this, he goes out to ´´chill his head´´ otherwise he will ´´kill himself´´. Did I overreact? He is usually gone for hours and doesn´t say where he has been. Honestly, I don´t care anymore. I told him (detail removed by moderator) it´s over, because I can not take it. He just said – (detail removed by moderator). Seriously? He is (detail removed by moderator) pouting in the bedroom. I am in the living room and I am desperate and scared of his anger.
We live in rented flat, don´t have family and friends nearby (detail removed by moderator). Now with this situation is even more difficult to plan. I would go anywhere, I am applying for jobs far from here. I would go literally anywhere. I would change the country, the continent. Just to be away. I haven´t felt so much anger in my life. And I am extremely patient. He is ruining my wellbeing, I found out I have higher blood pressure than normal. I feel I will have a mental breakdown, I feel just as he says I am – today again, crazy. I want this to stop. Now. I can not take this anymore. -
Abusers can’t stand to see us happy. My ex used to pull the rug every time. Embarrassing us and humiliating us in public is also something they enjoy. Be careful as his rage rises. He will make up stuff like the modem to justify this red mist. Do things to provoke a reaction like taking your dog. This gives him an excuse when you react to abuse you. Have you spoken to women’s aid about a place in a refuge until you can sort out accommodation elsewhere?
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Hi KIP and thank you for your support.
Unfortunately I didn´t have a chance to ring them. We are at home and when I go out on the balcony to do a bit of gardening he goes with me and just sits there and watches me. When I go out he wants go out too. I am almost never alone. I tried to reach them on chat, but they were very busy. I will keep trying of course. -
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When you ask fir refuge make it known that you have a dog, that its an assistance dog not just a pet, look up assistance dogs and equalities act 2010. Or look into having them fostered for a time, knowing your pet isn’t with him, will make leaving easier too. I stayed longer because I didn’t want to leave my dog. Some refugees not all do allow pets
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I relate to your story massively. My ex didn’t leave me alone when he did he would keep tabs on me or just make my life a nightmare so I didn’t want to leave him as it was easier to just stay with him. I waited till he had left out on the rare occasion he did and I went quickly with my mum and a van. However if this isn’t an option I’d there not a way you could message a friend or someone who could contact them on your behalf. Coming to a refugee has helped me massively and I wouldn’t have been able to cope staying with him especially under lockdown. If there is anyone you can reach out to please do 💜 sending positive vibes. Keep your head up I have bad days but I still have to keep going we all do you are worth so much more ❤️ Xx
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He broke me. He made me apologize for actions which ´made him angry´. He didn´t admit anything. Even the fact how it started, which it can be proven. He didn´t want to hear it, he said I am turning the blame and that I have cloudy memory and that I don´t see things realistically. Basically, I am crazy and I have a problem. He didn´t even admit he pushed me away from (detail removed by moderator) when I wanted to go by (he was just defending himself). He is now throwing divorce in my face if I will not be better. Basically I noticed, when I give up, he continues to live his life as nothing happen. Currently I am walking on eggshells, because every single thing I say is somehow wrong. I realized I am just a person he can say he is married to. He demands me to change according to his wishes. When he sees I oblige, he is back to work and focused on his workload. I was already asked if I will go shopping and if I will get him something. Whenever I ask where we stand he says that I want to fight. Oh my God. I just realized I am really just a ´wife´. Not ´the wife´. The wife who you love and respect. I am a wife, who is married to on paper, does all the things and chores I am expected to do, but that´s all. And I only realize everything now. Everything clicks. I currently feel so low, unworthy. How did I let this happen to me? I haven´t felt so low for a long time. I feel I have no purpose more. I would like to find a hole, climb in to it and stay there until this passes. My whole life is a joke.
I need to leave, I know, you made it sounds so easy. How do you leave a person you are somehow attached to and still love? I don´t know how is it possible to love a person like this. It will always be a mistery to me. -
Hi FlyHigh
I just wanted to show you some support. I can see that you have had lots of supportive replies.
It sounds like your partner is gaslighting you, he is acting like he hasn’t done anything wrong and telling you that your memory is cloudy to make you doubt yourself, but actually he is the one to blame for his bad behaviour.
Hopejoylife and KIP have made a really good suggestion, if you are leaving your home to go shopping, you could go into one of the shops suggested above and make a phone call to the National Domestic Violence Helpline or the police. Also, please keep trying to get through to the online chat, as then you could make a plan and discuss your options with a Women’s aid support worker. Anytime you are feeling frightened please call the police as your safety is so important.
We know it isn’t easy to leave, but there is lots of support available to help you and we are all here for you. It is not ok to be treated like this and you deserve to be happy.
Take care and please keep posting to let us know how you are doing,
Lisa
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Google trauma bonding. It’s more likely to be that than love. Trauma bonding is stronger than love. We can love someone and still walk away but this bond is strong. It’s brain washing. Making us think they are our saviour. They push us off a cliff then rush down and rescue us then expect us to be grateful. Do that often enough and we being to believe them.
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Hello everyone,
I appreciate your support.
I have a real feeling he is cheating on me. Something is going on. I started noticing this last year.
He started going out on ´walks alone´ and spends a lot of time on the phone. Also, when we fought, I told him that I don´t care what happens and if he is with somebody else. He thanked me! I am seriously confused.
Now after a fight, which was clearly my fault, he is acting like a total j*****s, pardon the expression. He is patronizing and I know him like this. I know what this means. (Detail removed by moderator) during a fight he signaled he will punch me. He came after me in the (detail removed by moderator) and made a fist. I protected myself with arms and squated in an anticipation of a punch. Then he went out and began shouting that I made him do it again.
I am viewing flats, I saw one (detail removed by moderator), it´s a studio, which is fine enough for me because I will not stay here long. I am looking for a job elsewhere to be as far as possible.
I am keeping a diary as well. I found a notebook from work and discovered some entries from (detail removed by moderator) years ago.
I have some support network established and they will also help me move and help me do it safely.
He is now singing around, I know this play. I should have known. What was wrong with me? He never loved me. Everything was a lie. I can not believe this. I can not.
Thank you ladies
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