Your Inner Child

[WanderingCloud]

I was having a conversation with my therapist last week which also happened to be following another episode of his controlling nature. I was describing the incident which was his persistent nagging for me to unfriend a relative of his following a heated arguement they had. I tried to stay neutral but he saw this as me being not supportive and backing him up, he even passed me my laptop for me to unfriend (he logs in to my account all of the time) It ended up with me giving in and saying I would do it if it makes him happy but clearly I chose the wrong words because this angered him and the abuse flowed out of his mouth.
We were out when this started but came home and I tried describing that all of the way home, my stomach was in knots, i felt sick because I knew what his reaction would be when we were behind our four walls. Walking back home, he was all nicey nicey in front of people but that is just a front.
My therapist asked me to describe at that moment how I felt when we were home and I said I felt backed into a corner, feeling frightened just like I used to feel when I was a child with my mother. My mum would just have to give me that nasty, scowling look which indicated verbal abuse was about to follow and my husband is exactly the same. It is like I retreat to being a defenceless child and I hate it. I am a grown women but cannot find it in myself to stand uo to his bullying.
My therapist said I had to be kind to ‘the child’ in me and that sometimes, you just have to let things go, give in almost to some if his demands by way of survial. Is this how everyone is? I feel weak, he doesn’t physically abuse me, it is all emotional and verbal and yet I cannot fight back.

[Serenity]

Hi Wandering Cloud,

Was your therapist saying that that is something one tends to do for survival, rather than something you should do? I would hope he/ she didn’t mean the latter.

They are right, within a controlling relationship, we do things for survival. The fall-out id we say no is too much for us: we don’t feel strong or well enough to cope with what might happen and the punishment which might ensue.

But of course, such dynamics are all wrong. One person is dictating and forcing, and the other person is being forced to swallow their voice and to do things they aren’t happy with. With an abuser, there is no compromise. It is their way or the highway.

It is only when we are out of the relationship that we might feel strong or distanced enough to make our own rules. This is where the no co tact rule is a help. Of course, these abusers fight against us becoming independent, even after we leave! But we are not their possessions, and we are entitled to be true to ourselves.

I doubt that your partner would listen, even if you tried to rationalise and explain the negative consequences of fling the things he wants. They are single-minded and inflexible!

[WanderingCloud]

Thanks Serenity.
My therapist was basically saying that the issue is down to his extreme cotrolling demands of me, it was facebook this time but next time it might be something totally different, but the commonality is how controlling he is.
If I was in the frame of mind that I thought I wanted to stay in the marriage and give it a go, then we would be working on how I approach him, express my feelings and what needs to change going forward. However I have no intention of being here in the future and therefore there are some things that for me to keep what sanity I have left in tact, if I need to give in to his demands, then this is what i will do to survive. I could have argued my corner until I run out of breath about not unfriending someone just because he says but 2 things stopped me- one is my confidence in dealing with these situations and the other is as you say, he doesnt listen and you cannot rationalise with him.
We were in the car a few weeks back and he proceeded to tell our son (similar age to your youngest) that when my mum passes away and he inherits her house, then it will be sold and invested in another property of his choosing. My son became agitated by this really because his dad is again controlling a situation and not allowing other opinions. He started shouting at our son telling him he wastes money etc etc and that it will be up to him (his dad) what happens with the money. I could see how this upset our son and I really empathised with him. When his dad was out of earshot, I simply said to him that he hasnt to worry because it would never come to that. I omitted saying that is because by the time my mum passes away, I will be long gone and therefore although I agree to his demands for now, they are only short term .
I know I need to work on my confidence and the fear I feel, slowly but surely I am getting there.
She tells me that I maybe need to start making future plans, financial etc but at the moment the only way I think I will manage getting out is by acting on impulse during one of the many abusive moments we have.

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