anna

[anna]

sending a hug, its horrible when you try to tell someone how you feel and they dont seem to get it especially when its a health professional.
Excema is so uncomfortable and itchy and sore and then everything feels even more horrible. I hope the cream works and also if it can be hidden under clothing so you dont feel self concious some soft bandages to help stop the air getting to it and the itching. Sometimes different foods can trigger it like milk if you have an allergy or things like dust mites. And your mum is probably right about the excema being caused by stress also that will flare it up.
I am sorry you are having such a rough time thinking about your ex totally understandable to think about how horrible it was and to feel nervous or triggered around certain times of the year. As time passes it will get more liveable with but in the meantime be kind to yourself and do lots of kind loving things for yourself take care

[anna]

oh thats so lovely. its so nice in this difficult time when you will be very stressed about that upcoming date that your sister would surprise you in such a lovely way. And like you say its the emotional support that is the great thing.
I have a lovely sis in law that is nice like that too. Hurray for lovely sisters!!!! Have a fab rest of the day and enjoy those cupcakes!!!!!!

[anna]

Thats so wonderful that everything is starting to work out. Keep up your yoga and other mindful things as so helpful for you!
its hard to know about the furniture. If you buy something new like a bed they usually for a small charge will put it in the room you want. And it might be worth in the first instance to buy small things like a chair, fold up small table as these are lighter to carry if you have to and keep costs down while you are job hunting because if the job hunting goes well you will beable not only to get more things but pay a company to bring the things.
And the other thing is as you get more confident and go out and about you make friends and friends usually are happy to help occassionally. For instance once when we moved my husbands best friend kindly helped empty our house and bring our furniture to our new house and recently when i went away my neighbour offered to water my container plants in my garden. In turn i am happy to help others.
it sounds like its going really well and im so pleased you look like you are also going to have a decent landlord. keep us posted and let us all know how the job interview goes I have my fingers crossed for you!

[anna]

That is very sad flashback but very brave you managed to get him out. I have no experience of the courts but i agree it seems really hard to procecute. You are right i think that we are in a male dominated society my theory is that it starts in childhood when we teach our children that girls are weak, not as clever as men and are just there to be pretty and men are taught they have to be manly and not show their feelings. We do this in unknowing ways such as telling boys not to cry and man up and telling girls they are only allowed to be interested in makeup. That sort of thing. obviously a trivial example but you get where im coming from! There was a hugely interesting programme i saw the other day of how we inadvertantly influence our children with these automatic subconcious beliefs and how negative that is. on the surface it seems harmless but it causes problems down the line. What do you think?

[anna]

Hi you refer to your post as setback but actually its sounds like you are doing absoulutely fantastic and being very couragous! You are dealing with things really well and helping your teenagers to cope too. It does take a long time to recover but meanwhile you are doing all the right things you have also shown your children that abuse is not acceptable and you will no longer tolerate it. Poweful stuff! You will cry and be upset that is totally understandable in your curcumstances and not a sign of setback or any type of failure rather it shows you are starting to feel safe enough to process what happened to you. Keep posting!

[anna]

Hi I have had mixed experience with therapy, when i went years ago i saw a mental health nurse who obviously was not trained in trauma or domestic violence and it was a big mistake! I blurted out the extreme abuse that i had recieved and she actually said to me if you are lying the Sh**** will hit the fan! it was horrendous the next week when I was due to go i was very unwell with a cold and cancelled. Probably due to the stress! And the mental health nurse came to my home to speak to my husband to confirm if i was telling the truth. This was not said in so many words but when she came through the door she looked at me looking like death on the sofa and said ‘oh you are unwell!’. She also grilled my husband about my experiences ( totally ridiculous as how would he know about my childhood) all my husband could say was as he had witnessed abuse to me from my mum as an adult he would assume i had the same treatment in childhood ( he said words to that affect) So she then graciously ( yes i am being sarcastic!) allowed me to carry on therapy with her and i went because i was desparate and bizzarley even though she thought at first the abuse I was describing was extreme enough to assume i was lying I was then encouraged to stay with her with statments like it’ cant be that bad if you try and visit her once a week! so you get the rest of the week to yourself’.
After that i never told anyone for years only my husband knew. What was the point no one would believe me and even if they did the unwritten law of the universe is you never leave a parent honour your mother and father!
Eventually i went to a fantastic support group which i am still in for something else not abuse but it inadvertantly helped me as we deal with emotional stuff. There was still the wrong advice of stay with your mum and dad and give them boundaries( it seems there is still this universal invisible law of mum and dad can do whatever they like to you! ( but in fairness my friends in the group are not experts ) but they was so kind and really they are my main support i understand their limitations but i know i can ring someone and say i have had rubbish in the post and where they cant do anything as such they can say that must be horrible for you, have a hug! And emotional support goes a long way! I also eventually ended up with a lovely mental health nurse and after four years told her what was going on and even though not trained she believed me straight away and though she could not tell me what to do ( she isnt allowed to) was supportive enough that i was able to ring domestic support helpline and i was reassured that i had rung the right number as what i was describing was domestic violence and a criminal offense.
I also ended up having both NHS therapy and private paid therapy with trauma trained psychotherapists and they was brilliant. Validating supportive and most importantly believed me. I went for about 3 months as it was all i could afford. I now no longer see my mental health nurse or have medication.
So i guess i wanted to give you the good and bad experiences. I would recommend psychotherapy but i really strongly suggest they are trained in trauma or there is potential to have bad experience like i had. Also to be aware that my own experience and some friends i know found that going to a trained expert was fantastic and supportive but once you leave the therapy room you are back in real world with people who usually dont get it. So they quite often think or say things different from the experts its not that they are mean they just dont understand but if you can find someone supportive it helps. My group which is basically free apart from a small donation each week is a lifeline. Hope that helps my therapist cost £60 an hour I also had hypnotherapy/meditation with her meditation is a fantastic help to me. but mainly in my area prices start from £40 an hour

[anna]

Hi tiffany,
I would do wall of silence. Dont even bother saying to your friends to tell him you are fine. To be blunt he is not interested in your wellbeing but he is trying to reengage with you and get your friends to inadvertantly do his dirty work! plus he gets to look mr reasonable nice guy to your friends.
The best thing is polietly tell your friends you dont want to know about him. If they keep on change the subject if they repeatedly break your wishes on this ( im sure they wont when they understand) then maybe see less of that person your recovery comes first.

[anna]

Hi, (yes if its typical abusive behaviour and you know him well enough to feel its a tactic then it probably is!) its being done to upset you a case of you wont be seeing the kids at xmas for no good reason as he isnt either! He probably hates the perfectly reasonable request to have alternate xmas with the kids so wants to rile you up about it. My mum does similar rubbish.
Best thing as you said ignore it if you feel the kids are old enough to decide and that his mum is a safe person then let them go. chances are when he sees you seemingly not upset he will drop it or at least not pull that stunt in the future.
Meanwhile breathe a sign of relief that they may not be seeing their dad thats got to be good news and maybe make sure you plan to do something nice yourself over xmas like being with nice friends or family so it wont feel so horrible that hes doing this nonsense to you., if he goes ahead with it

[anna]

So sorry to hear about your frightening experiences.
I guess its hard to know that sometimes people want to hurt us and of course it would be hard to spot the red flag afterall we dont get up in the morning wanting to hurt people so its totally understandable that you would not see that bad behaviour would potentially get so severe with your partner.
I guess in regard to other women its hard but it sounds like you tried to do something and that is all you can do at the end of the day. I think now its processing your own feelings and being really kind to yourself you did your best and now you have to take care of yourself. I guess there is no right or wrong way of coping for me it is reaching out to a support group i go to i struggle with fear when my mum harrasses me and i have lots of guilt and shame so im trying hobbies and things like that. Before i wanted my feeling to change where i think now it might be better for me to accept i may have these feelings a long time. its hard isnt it but you are brave and should be proud you got out.

[anna]

I dont know really. I have been quite a while without being with my abusive mum. And i still think of it even though im better. I guess i will for a long time as i have stalking and harrassment. For me now im thinking of doing a course and working and that might help me and ive decided where possible to not tell my husband if i get stuff in the post as discussing something i cant change does not help. Though i have to say i respond better to the harrassement stuff like letters where at the beginning even seeing her handwriting freaked me out! so i guess it gets easier to live with as time goes on maybe.

[anna]

Well done serenity if they dont go call the police . Like kip said no experience is wasted the next people iron clad contract and they can pay full rent and totally no other people staying!
Just think every time you feel anxious because in the past if you set a boundary it was violated or worse you had a bad consequence from it remember you are in charge. Its your home and to be blunt you hold the cards!
Do you think it might be better to rent to a lady or younger person? it might be less intimidating and triggering? I find i am more anxious around women then men. Because my abuser was female.
I have also found time helps with our boundaries. At the beginning i was terrified to set them as when i was little if i did something wrong ( what my mum percieved wrong) she would threaten to kill me. So even if as an adult someone was doing something bad to me i could not say no..
A very sad example of that was once i sexually assulted and i knew what the perpetrator wanted to do but i was to scared to protect myself in the first instance as i was conditioned if you say no or fight you get in danger maybe even killed. This person was abusing a position of trust and i was definately not in danger of getting hurt or killed if i had said no . But my emotional response was fear so i did what the person wanted. And then bizarly with that conditioning i was brought up with i had the treatment i wanted to avoid I also felt shame after and stupid. but nowadays im different i say no straight off to anyone lol! over anything i dont want to do! And boy do i dig in if anyone trys to inappropriately challenge my right to say no!!
So i totally understand the boundary thing and i think your pretty awesome sticking up for yourself and getting these men out. take care
So

[anna]

Hi antimoth,
I have quite severe learning difficulty but hidden so you would not notice unless you ask me to do practical tasks and they can be very simple indeed but i struggle to learn and I dont learn instinctively. So an example would be my husband has to show me how to use garden tools even simple ones like secateurs basically everything has to be shown me once or i dont get how to use it! Also ive been pretty much sacked from every job i did because i cannot follow sequential instructions and get in trouble ive also been called lazy by my abusive mum and even though not diagnosed with autism i have different diagnosis i am really sure i am on autistic spectrum i speak very monologue and struggle to understand the give and take of a conversation its worse when im anxious.
Where for some people its hard for them to understand our difficulties and they irritated Thats ok not to understand ( it is absolutly not an exscuse to be abusive) its one thing for someone to think this relationship is not for me and even though that would be sad that is the right thing to do if you dont think the relationship is working. ( and that goes for any type of relationship) but quite another for someone to think they can hurt us because they have an excuse that we are annonying them or bizarley that our behaviour is being done on purpose!
It is not your fault and stress will make ‘tics’ or any ‘stimming’ behaviours more pronounced. Have you looked up any autism websites? im sure you have as you have been formally diagnosed.
No this is not your autism but your partner being abusive and using your autism as a feeble so called justification for his actions. Dont believe a word and well done for posting

[anna]

Thanks so much for your reply. I think you are right about my mum wanting a reaction. On one level i think her sending me stuff is actually more about proving to family that her smear campaign about me is true. Rather than getting me back into a relationship. Though if she could get me back and abuse me that would be the icing on the cake!
I think its an exercise in image and status damage control!
Its been enough of a length of time for my mum now to realise I might actually mean what i say about not seeing her ( At the beginning she indicated by her reaction that she thought i was just trying to argue with her)
and now she thinks oh if anna goes it might encourage the others to go so i better say she is bad.( i have a diagnosis of mental health issues but since leaving mum i am no longer in secondary mental health care and being taken off all meds) as funnily enough!!! i dont feel depressed or suicidal anymore! theres a surprise not!!!!but she has been saying anna is depressed blah, blah, but when my siblings see me well and happy and reacting totally normally her words ring hollow. So i know mum thinks i will send stuff to Anna to poke to see if she gets aggressive or angry thereby proving with evidence to the family of how its my fault!
My brother for a bit tried lowering contact with her hence why she and dad came to the house so in reality i think she would only be a real problem to me if one of the other siblings leave her. Judging by their reaction to my brother trying to assert himself . But theres no point getting worried about a future event that may but probably will not happen .
Thanks for your support.

[anna]

well done for staying strong and refusing to add your xs sister.
I know how upsetting this is getting 3rd party contact. The abusive person does this to wear you down and the implication is they have told this other mutual person that you are aquainted with that we are the horrible one, and it relys on the fact we dont want a bad reputation for being horrible, unforgiving, mad or whatever nonsense they have said about us. it is to get us to reengage with them so they rely on the fact we will want to justify or explain our actions because we dont want people thinking bad about us.
You know at the beginning i really worried what people would think of me and now i think let them think what they want as im free of the abuser!
it is hard though and so you should feel proud you held strong. it gets easier with time and of course the abuser will do it less when they dont get a reactiom.

[anna]

Hi sunshine,
its okay to share those feelings. I know what you mean. I was abused by my mum and when my husband says about his mum being loving and nice and how he could tell how much she loved him when she tucked him up in bed at night I feel like crying lol! I of course am so relieved and happy he had such a good relationship but boy does it emphasise i do not with my mum and dad!
Though like you said yourself you cannot tell on surface appearances what someones relationship is and like kip says we have to love ourselves first.
My husband is lovely and non abusive but i definately over rely on him to solve my problems and in the past thought he could fix everything. In fact my most recent post is about that very subject. But now i am learning since leaving my abusive relationship with my parents that even though its perfectly okay to go for support to my husband and his family I can also look after myself and make decisions for myself and get a job.
I think you are doing great and it sounds really positive the steps you are taking and the power to change course will really help im sure.

[Author]

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