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    • #140178
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi, @Chocolatebunnie

      I don’t have a support worker, but I feel the same way when I am going to have therapy. What I learned to do is I will make notes to myself of what I want to talk about during the week, and then that helps keeping me tethered.
      I am not sure what a support worker would do, but having that support just be there might be enough, even if you don’t know what to talk about at the time. I’m sure something will come up!

    • #140134
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi @Confused.alone,

      Him denying the conversation is typical gaslighting behaviour. He decided to push you into that, test his chances, and did not respect your feelings and your choices. Just because you didn’t feel like you could resist in the moment, doesn’t mean that you wanted to be in that position. It is a kind of coercion in my eyes as well.

      So don’t lose trust in yourself.

    • #140049
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi @Loose,

      This must be really difficult for you to live with… You are now putting yourself down, and it is not something that you can easily change. There is a thought stopping technique in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) that basically suggests to question those thoughts. For example, you go from a belief like “I look ugly” to “I have many good qualities, I like my eyes”, etc. So trying to disprove and change your thought pattern. Online I found this way of explaining it: Say “Stop!” when you experience a recurring thought, either aloud or to yourself. Negate the bad thought in a positive way, by exchanging the negative thought for a positive one. Replace “I cannot…” or “I will not…” with “I can…” or “I will…”.

      Another good way to go about it is writing something good about you every day. It doesn’t have to start with your looks if you don’t feel comfortable with it. But just write a sentence about something you like about yourself. Something like “I like how I am able to do this [insert task] well”, or “I am a generous person”. Simultaneously, you can also start trying to notice something you’re grateful for every day, like the flowers blooming outside. This starts shifting your thoughts from negative to positive. Then the next step is trying to identify what makes you feel good, and keep doing it. If it’s singing, for example, but you notice you don’t sing anymore… then start trying to sing a bit every day. It might feel weird at first, but sometimes we need to start doing what makes us happy before we are in the happy mode. It kind of tricks our brain into thinking we are ok to feel happy now.

      Take care of yourself!

    • #140046
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi @Itsjustusnow,

      It’s great that you have started therapy, especially with a professional that has helped you recognise and validate your experiences. Sometimes in these abusive situations we gaslight ourselves: we keep questioning if we’re right to feel this way, we minimise and say it wasn’t that bad, we think that we are overreacting. But your feelings are valid, and emotional abuse often is meant with that exact crazy-making in mind.
      So keep talking about it, to your therapist or the rest of your support network, including here, and you can write about your situations as well so that you keep a record of what happened and you can reread them with more perspective. It can help some people.

      Take care of yourself!

    • #140045
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hello @Loose! Welcome to the forum. This is such a supportive little corner of the internet. I hope you keep posting about whatever you have experienced/are experiencing, as it might help to just vent and to also know that you are not alone in this. It’s so normal to have a crushed self-esteem after abusive situations! But this can be built up again.

      Take care!

    • #140044
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi @MarchRose,

      I have definitely heard similar terms by family members that have stuck in my mind. In my case, I know they don’t mean badly, but it still shows how they can’t really understand my situation. And they don’t really reflect on their own situation either.
      I am sure a lot of other people on here have also heard similar gaslighting or hurtful things from others, and it either makes us minimise our own hurt or just feel more confused of how to make sense of our life.
      Please stay strong and recognise that you are still on a healing journey, and you are taking care of yourself in the best way you know how. If others can support you throughout that journey, even better. But if they bring you down, then just carry on, because you got this.

    • #139937
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi @lostblonde,

      I can understand how this is confusing and has worn you down. I have felt this too, having his words stick to my brain and making me doubt my own strength and judgement, having him blame-shift…
      It is not easy dealing with this. It’s awful that he is invading your privacy.
      I don’t know what you can do about the rent, but please contact your local domestic abuse charity. I am sure they could find you some solution to this! And find a way to write about your experience, or talk about it. Make sure that it is not getting infiltrated by his words and manipulations!

      Take care of yourself <3

    • #139909
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi @Hazydayz,

      What a horrible thing to say and hear! I can’t imagine being at someone’s grave and saying that to someone paying their condolences… I am so sorry this has happened to you, and I hope you can move on from that knowing that you did your best and no one has the right to judge you like that, or wish you harm.

    • #139895
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi @Yellowcup,

      It is SO difficult! It will probably get even harder for a while, but you can do it! One step at a time.

    • #139879
      Ariadne
      Participant

      I’m now following this thread because I have been thinking of exactly going to couples’ therapy, though I have heard it does not usually work in abusive situations. I am considering maybe my situation now is a bit different, but I want to know the experience of others’ on this forum.
      This was actually my idea, to go to counselling, and I am concerned if I am doing it for the right reasons, and not as a form of control, as you said @wildandfree… that’s a tricky one to balance! But I’m also not sure if I’d be comfortable talking openly in that context, though it might be useful…

    • #139862
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi @Seek221,

      Yes, I have started feeling anxiety a few years ago and especially in the last few months. I find myself sometimes not breathing properly, and my heart beating erratically. And I also have trouble concentrating at work.
      It is a really awful thing to go through, and I’m sorry you’re going through it as well. One of the things that has made more sense to me recently is that we should address the causes of the anxiety, since it is something that can have such long-lasting consequences on our health.

    • #139857
      Ariadne
      Participant

      I also ask because I know that there are a lot worse things, so that’s part of why this is on my mind.

    • #139816
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi @Trying-to-heal,

      Gawsh, I know this craving, I still feel it frequently and I just had to jump on here to tell you this is probably very common. I don’t know how long it takes for it to go away, as I kinda self-sabotaged my own healing on this, but it is detoxing, and the less you contact them the better. What I have realised is that you see everything in a good light now, but then when you contact you’ll think “but this is the person that did this to me”. And that lack of trust will not allow you to feel at ease.

    • #139815
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi @Wheelgoround,

      It’s a really difficult situation you are going through, and it almost feels to me that we went through similar things, even though you now have a child and I don’t. From what you describe, he is clearly being abusive, and he has not taken any needed steps to deal with that. It is also clearly a choice on his part, because he toned down his abuse until you were more “stuck” with him again. The fact he tells you that it is your fault he behaves this way shows no self-reflection, and it indicates he will not change.
      What is your intention in telling him he is being abusive? I would say for you to contact your local domestic abuse organisation and at least have a safety plan. If you feel like you need to tell him he is being abusive to have him reflect on his behaviour and maybe get into an abuser programme… Maybe do it from a safe distance, through a phone call or something. It does not seem likely he will like being told that or that he will want to do that, but you have that option. I asked my abuser if he thought he had been abusive. He told me yes, and he said he was being abusive now, and still… that self-awareness did not do much except tell me he is completely in control of his behaviour. He just chooses to be that way.

      Please take care of yourself and your child. That is not a good environment for either of you!

    • #139775
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi @Strongenough,

      Yes, I especially get people saying I should move on and meet new people, or saying things like I seem to like being hurt, or that I am smart for some things but not for others.
      They will also tell me things like “I don’t know what to tell you anymore”, which just means that they are pretty much done with me talking to them about my situation.
      That’s why this forum is so useful!

    • #139769
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi @RedStrawberry,

      It is tricky when we recognise both the more positive and the worst characteristics in someone. I’ve been doing the Freedom programme based on the Living with the Dominator book, and I too am sometimes confused because I could see how my abuser could be so great, but also how he had mixed traits from the different dominator types. How do we see clearly then?
      Two things that I started thinking about is how categories are not black and white. If even they show themselves to have mixed traits from the different dominator types! They have to charm you somehow, even if unconsciously. And yes, they can have both good and bad in them. The second thing is that while they may have so many of the things we’re looking for in someone, they also have other traits that make us feel unsafe. And intimacy is only truly possible in a safe space. We don’t have to put up with the bad to have some of the good.

      And as for the leaving part, yes, of course, they can. But most of the time they still want some control over you, even if they do leave.

    • #139755
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Have you tried the women’s aid webchat? Sometimes you have to wait a little bit, but you can easily leave the website if you need.

    • #139742
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi @Emptyshell7,

      I could’ve been the one writing this post. You seem to be describing my experience, so what I would say is… yes, this is abuse. You are not making it up. And especially, if you are in this forum, writing this post… your intuition is telling you this already.
      So please take care of yourself and your children <3

    • #139719
      Ariadne
      Participant

      I saw some nice flowers bloom today too! So nice! Spring is coming 🙂

    • #139708
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi @Harriet123,

      That is one of the most painful feelings when dealing with this kind of abusive dynamic. I had never realised this until my therapist told me “That seems to have made you feel like you were not good enough”, and only then it clicked that this is what I was trying to express. All the time that I was there, available, caring, nurturing, attentive… and he couldn’t at least not call me names, or buy me a gift, or pull his weight… It sticks with us, this dissonance. They say they love us then they do what they do. We love them but are treated badly… It’s not fair.
      And unfortunately, it is in the past, it is done, you can’t rewrite it. It is normal to want him to acknowledge his mistakes, his part in things, to feel like there is regret and possible growth. But closure like that is hard to come by, especially by these abusers. And it is another way to keep you tethered. The best way is to go “grey rock” in those situations. Do not engage, do not expect, and keep focusing on yourself and your child and what it is you want going forward.

    • #139706
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi @lostblonde,

      You’re not exaggerating, this is definitely abusive, and it is really concerning how he is treating both you and your daughter. Your poor child has to be frightened after these situations, and she deserves to feel relaxed in her home environment. You do too! I agree with the replies above, please contact your local domestic abuse charity and take care of yourself <3

    • #139674
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi @Icandothis,

      Yes, I have been feeling like this. It’s a tough position to be in, and I am not really one to talk here, but I would say that you should look at your past posts, at any proof you have of his abusive behaviour, and think why YOU should make amends…

      Take care <3

    • #139665
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi @Trying-to-heal,

      Following up on the earlier reply from @Teaandcats, I also wanted to say that it’s completely normal to miss someone who played such a big part in your life. Your brain is trying to adjust to not having them there, and even if they weren’t safe, in these moments of separation the world seems more dangerous. It is part of the trauma bond, and it is also just part of being a human. It will be difficult, but you can have whatever feeling towards him you want from a distance. The only way out is through!

      Take care <3

    • #139664
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Well done @nbumblebee, congratulations!! 😀 Let this be another proof that you can achieve whatever you set your mind to!

    • #139645
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Thank you for this quote 🙂 Very nice!

    • #139634
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi @Hazydayz,

      It is like you were in my head in the multiple times my abuser has done this exact same thing to me. Sometimes the nights could be so anxiety-filled because I was thinking I’d wake up to a string of angry & pleading messages again. I would always know when the day would turn sour by a single comment. And whether in messages or in person, this dynamic between angry and loving and pleading was present, and he would bounce between each of these states so easily and so quickly, that it would give me whiplash. It made me unsteady.
      And likewise, my abuser was neglected as a child, and was in some pretty tough situations. However, he also knows he behaves abusively, and you can tell by the way he talks he sometimes enjoys how he twists words to have more of an impact. You can sympathise with their struggles… You can understand why they feel a certain way. But they are throwing tantrums, and that’s not how intimacy is created.

      You are not alone in feeling like this, and I hope you can stand strong and put yourself first!

    • #139877
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi @Bananaboat,

      Thank you for your reply! I am not really sure what answer I’m looking for in this. More like scanning for opinions because sometimes I have trouble with judging my own boundaries. This came after a conversation I had with a friend of mine that said that someone who does that once, never stops doing it (namely referring to threatening to hurt themselves as a manipulation).

      And yeah, I completely understand what you mean about trust, especially. It is quite difficult to move on with this baggage.

    • #139776
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi @Hazydayz,

      I think it’s lovely that you have that solace, and yes, don’t give up on your hobbies, your passions, what makes you happy. They are what can relax you and give you strength.

    • #139705
      Ariadne
      Participant

      That’s exactly what it feels like to me! It’s the wanting to make sure I gave all I could.

    • #139675
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi @Bananaboat,

      thank you so much for your reply! I feel sometimes weaker than before, but I know that I can identify bad situations more easily. I just need to also start acting when I do. I feel a bit more relieved after reading your post, thank you.

Viewing 25 reply threads

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