Balloons

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To have a go at answering your topic title – not being physically violent does not mean he doesn’t instill fear. The shouting indicates that he has a temper, and that he is willing to direct it at you. Abuse is all about control, some men never have to lift a finger to have that power over someone, the threat is implied.

When I left my abuser, I did tell him face to face but had safety measures in place. The children were staying elsewhere, and I had relatives parked outside and also on the phone listening in so they could intervene if necessary. My abuser also never physically assaulted me, but I was absolutely petrified of him. I told him face to face because I felt that I “owed” it to him. In hindsight, I can see I owed him nothing at all. I would have been far safer, and happier if I’d just left him a note and cut all ties and went no contact. I wish I’d set up a third party contact point before I’d left, so I wouldn’t have to deal with his manipulations afterwards that went on for months.

I think telling him at counselling is a good idea, but make sure you have your transport sorted and where you’re going arranged so you can leave and not look back. I would even advise planning who could be your third party and maybe use the same session to let him know you are not willing to talk directly to him and that he needs to contact so-and-so for arranging anything at all. Do you have somewhere safe you can go with the children?

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Hi Lisa, thank you for your response. I am feeling a bit better today about it. I still find it hard to really tell the difference and the lines definitely blur for me. But today I’m feeling less sorry for him. I can see that I really did try my best, and that if he had done any number of things differently we wouldn’t be where we are today. The yoyo of emotions is hard.. doubt, guilt, regret, anger, sadness, relief… im hoping in time this will settle down. Just taking longer than i maybe expected it to. Xx

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also, regarding how to cope knowing that your children are at risk is a really hard one. Im not too sure of the details of your situation, but if they are in immediate danger you need to contact the appropriate services straight away. If its like my situation where they are at risk from being manipulated and used emotionally.. i really am not too sure. I worry about this a lot too. Someone said about just trying to remain a strong and positive influence for them so at least they have it in one area of their lives, but it is so hard isnt it? I will be interested to see if anyone else has some advice on this. X

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Hi Ocean, I totally get where youre coming from, I a very similar position myself. What I find helps is talking to as many supportive people as possible. It is so hard isn’t it? After years of our brains being messed with how do you learn to trust yourself again? I regularly still slip back into doubtsville and I’m hoping that in time it will get less and less. You have try and hold on to what you know to be true. Have you got support from your local womens aid? Or family you can confide in? It must be so hard when it seems like the social worker is down playing it all, after the battle its probably taken you to take it seriously. I suppose I would try and remember that in the eyes of the courts contact is seen as important for the children for even the worst abusers (through contact centres etc or indirect contact). The idea is that a relationship with both parents is whats best for the child, but i think this is massively outdated when it comes to abusive relationships. It sucks, and i wish it wasnt like that and that I had better advice for you. I suppose I wanted to let you know that it is fairly “normal”, and despite what others may say to try and remember the truth and that you’re definitely not going crazy!

Have you read the book “When dad hurts mom” by Lundy Bancroft? I found this to be very helpful especially in understanding how men continue to abuse their partners through their children post separation.

Hope you’re doing okay xx

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Ho Whoopsie, I totally get where you’re coming from regarding calling womens aid. I felt exactly the same and it was months before I did. I was nervous too, and had been told by my ex that I was over reacting, that it wasn’t abuse etc etc so I felt like a fraud. The councellor I have is very good, but there was something about that call to womens aid that really helped me feel sure that it was abuse, having an expert in the area listen to my story without any judgement and then to confirm that it was text book abuse. This really was a key moment for me and I reckon it would be the same for you..

The same for talking to friends etc. Again, it was probably half a year ish before I began opening up to anyone, but their responses really surprised me. I was worried about saying anything to them because I thought I would look silly for calling it abusive when I’d never been physically attacked, and they would think i was over reacting. There were a few people that i got the feeling didnt really get it, but that really didn’t matter to me.. knowing that just one person understood (be that womens aid, or a friend) was a huge relief. Just knowing another person out there can see it for what it is to help confirm I wasn’t crazy. After years of never saying anything to anyone about it and feeling like it was my shameful secret.

My advice would be try and talk to as many people as possible, I think they might surprise you! Your local domestic abuse service might be a good start. Also, regarding the phone.. any chance you could change your number? I would say dont listen to the messages if he leaves them but I get that it is really hard to ignore them, especially when youre going through a really hard time. Changing your number might work though, and tell people not to give it to him. Hopefully he will get bored and leave you alone, but if he ramps it up at all and you feel at all scared then you should just call the police, even on 111 if its not an emergency just to let them know whats happening so they have a record if you call again. They wont necessarily act on anything, but its juts about being safe.

I’m really sorry to hear about your loss, that must be so hard to deal with through all this relationship stuff and the lock down too. Hope you’re doing okay, and just try and reach out to as many people as possible!! X

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Hey, a lot of what you’ve written sounds very familiar to me. My relationship was also psychological/emotional abuse and a lot of gaslighting. I’ve been out for around (detail removed by Moderator) months, and i still get pangs of doubt but they are getting less. I think it just takes time. Its food you have a counsellor, I’ve found mine to be invaluable. You could always talk to your local womens aid too and get some help through them? I’ve found the more people I talk to and the more support I get the more the doubt slips away.. but i do still get waves of it. It was over (detail removed by Moderator) of relationship so I’m sure it will just take time to undo all those messages he drip fed me for so many years.

Also, it sounds quite worrying about him coming to (detail removed by Moderator) near your house.. i would definitely find a way to completely block all contact from him, and if you feel scared at all to call the police. I didnt have to call the police for harassment, but im sure there will other people along soon to help with that side of things.

Just wanted to show you some support and let you know youre really not going mad and you’re definitely not alone. Xx

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Just wanted to add another voice here.. i also had a failed attempt at couples therapy. I knew that it was advised against in abusive relationships but I was desperate and clinging on to hope that something might work. Needless to say he charmed his way through it and it just left me even more full of doubt than I had to begin with. He used it as a tool to support his own views, even when she wasn’t actually agreeing with him he would twist it anywhichway to suit his purpose. After we split he went back to her on his own, to fuel his story of how he was “on the road to recovery” after all the abuse he had suffered. Like yours, he could really have done with seeing a professional to help him deal with some traumatic childhood experiences, but from what I could tell it never got that far. He spent a good few months diagnosing me through her after we split! Whether or not they were things she actually said I dont know, I wouldn’t put it past him to make it up. Long story short, people were right when they told me not to do it. The only real benefit that came from it is I then knew that nothing would change it, and the longer it all goes on even post separation the more i feel like they never change. I’ve always been one to believe that anyone has the capacity to change, but that doesn’t seem to be the case any more. I would stick to your own therapy if I were you xx

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Sending you a big hug. I totally get where you’re coming from and I also yo-yo around. So many different feelings and so confusing. But as time goes on the confusion does seem to lessen, especially as how with some distance it becomes easier to see them for what they truly are – sometimes I’m truly shocked I ever fell for it! For me the confusion really sets in when he seems to be nice (I still have to interact with mine as we have children together). But then, give it a couple of weeks, something wont have gone his way and he’s back to a stroppy teenager being ridiculous again. I’m just thankful that he doesn’t come back home with it to me anymore!

Try not to doubt yourself. You don’t need “evidence”, how he made you feel is evidence enough. I know this is confusing when I’m sure he also made you feel good at times too, but I’m telling you now, even though I don’t know you or the ins and outs of your relationship I am certain that he was abusive, and you are not overreacting, and most definitely not the abuser (I’m betting he’s accused you of that or something similar??). These men are all the same. You are so much better off without him, he will not give you any closure, only add more confusion because that is what he does. Sending lots of love xx

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Just taking each day as it comes. I find the more people I talk to the better I tend to feel – ask everyone for advice, tell everyone the situation. After years of keeping everything a secret and feeling worried that I was making it all up or just being over sensitive, or feeling like I would be betraying him by talking, it’s liberating to finally be heard. Not everyone gets it, and some (very few I have to add) seem to just make me feel more doubtful, but it only takes a couple of people to see things for what they are to really make a huge difference. The more support you can get the better.

I have up days and down days, and I do find it hard to really focus all my thoughts into useful actions – but I’m trying to take the view that every little bit helps. I hope your hearings go well, and that you can finally move on from all this xx

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Hi 1hotcoffee1, I can totally sympathise with you. I’m in a very similar position at the moment too regarding hearings etc. It is so difficult to know what to do, or to stop thinking or worrying about it all. I’m not sure of the details of your situation, but just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in it. XX

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Eggshells, I had almost exactly the same experience regarding counselling and my ex. After years of pleading I finally persuaded him to go to marriage counselling and what a mistake that was! He’s never been so bolstered in all his life. And she was supposed to be trained in domestic abuse??!!!

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Wow, thank you Camel. Just what I needed to hear. The bit that really stood out for me was

If he genuinely cared about his kid’s mental health (and yours) he would have sought out professional help at the start. The fact that he hasn’t says volumes about his laziness and his indifference.

This was a years long argument between us – maybe for the entirety of our relationship. I just can’t believe I hung on to those first few magical months for so long, as if a few months of time with someone is enough to hang on to hoping that that person will come back again. Can’t help but feel a little bit foolish, but also now (hopefully) wiser because of it. I think I will always struggle a bit to spot the line between depression and abuse, but it is something I will work on to ensure I don’t fall in to the same trap again.

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Thank you Wants To Help. What you say makes a lot of sense, and you’re right, I did leave so that myself and my children could have a more relaxed and just generally happier time. And we do, the only down side really being that I now have to spend x days a week away from them. They are very unsettled when they come home, and settle just in time for the week to start again. I feel sorry for them that they are going through this rollercoaster – must be very confusing for them as they are still so young. I worry a lot about what his time with them is like, and they often come out with things that worry me, like calling each other a bully or a stupid boy, or that they need to sit in their own wee if they’ve had an accident because they’re a bad boy.

Anyway, that’s sort of digressing. My bout of feeling sorry for him did pass, and I’m currently more along the vibe of either feeling angry at him for all of this, or seeing that I really did try all that I could and it was never my responsibility anyway. Long story short, feeling much better today, but it really is such a rollercoaster of emotion.

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thank you fizzylem, all very good points. Unfortunately my children are too young to be spoken to by cafcass, so it will just be my word and his (and he’s going all out in his counter accusations). I totally get what youre saying about video calls etc, and will bare that in mind too. If I can aim for less then I will. Thank you again x

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Hi we all have beautiful minds, thank you for your response, not too long at all and really helpful. And I feel honored i was your first post!! Can I ask what book you use? I would like to look into this because the lack of communication between households is really difficult. It sounds like a good idea to use something that limits the information because I know that he would just see it as another opportunity to rant (he loves the sound of his own voice, even if its just written down!).

That must be hard doing 50 50 when its not what you believe to be best, but i hear what you’re saying about remaining steady and a good influence for the children. Im preparing myself for this outcome, and know I will just be there to support them no matter what. The more I read and learn the more I feel like the courts are not inline with the affects of abuse and how this can continue to affect children post separation.. i just hope whoever I get to speak to from cafcass is somewhat clued up.

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