beachhut

[beachhut]

Morning,

I have not been on the site for many months now have been out of my relationship for a long time but just wanted to send a reply to your post. I know how you feel to have lost your parents the one constant in your life who you could turn to at any time and your Mum would know what to say and your Dad could give a all knowing look to make you feel better, it is hard but I am sure they are looking down on us. As far as keeping a journal is concerned I towards the end decided to keep one, my reference point now I am out that I was not the mad woman he said I was because his behaviour is there written by me in black and white, yes the journal is full of negative posts but any good times I recall are there in my head I never felt the need to make a note of nice days out with friends they are something you remember automatically, so why would I need to write about the odd good day spend with him. I it difficult to realise that you have been living in a toxic environment but by normalising their behaviour we go alone with it for far longer that we really need to. It may seem like it but you are not alone.

[beachhut]

He may have the friends, I use the word lightly, he has not won or got it all, as he does not have the most important thing and that is YOU, people are with you for a reason, a season or for life, and perhaps these friends season is now over, new ones will come along when you least expect them. Take care.

[beachhut]

This will sound harsh but, he is in prison for a reason, you cannot contact him for a reason.
We all wanted the man without the abuse, but that was just a fantasy, we wanted them to get the help we thought they needed, but only they could do that for themselves, nobody made them abuse us it was a choice they made. It is difficult but you can survive by yourself and then learn to live by yourself, you owe it to yourself and your children to live in a happy and healthy environment, reach out to the agencies that are there to help you. We can all makes excuses for them, be it mental health, a rotten childhood, substance abuse, whatever we can come up with to justify in our own mind why they are the way they are, there is unfortunately no justification. Take care.

[beachhut]

Yes, you have done the right thing and there is no need to feel guilty, easier said than done I know, but when you sit and go over what has been done to you you realise just how subtle their actions have been and just how you have learnt to live with behaviour that you would not usually tolerate. There comes a day when the penny drops and you realise that you are not living just surviving, we all try to justify their behaviour but no matter what spin we put on it there is no justification for abuse of any kind. Take care, beachhut.

[beachhut]

I am so sorry for your loss, our pets can be such a comfort, no judgement, no conditions just love, take it one day at a time, or one hour at a time, their passing can causing us more pain than we ever realise and at times of other emotional turmoil in our lives can hit us hard. Please do not let your husband use this time to try and wear you down, I know from personal experience that they will do anything to try and worm their way back in. Your grief is feel and will take time to get over, but just try to remember the joy your pet gave you over the years. Be kind to yourself. And take care of you. beachhutXx

[beachhut]

Morning weather. I am so pleased that you are moving forward and I hope you have a really lovely holiday and a nice rest, the toll that abuse takes on us no matter what kind has longer term implications that most people ever realise but are present in our lives everyday. I have been out for quite a while now and hope that I can follow your example and make that solo trip one day. Have the best time you can and take care of you. beachhutXx

[beachhut]

Morning, I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your Mum, I know how hard that is to deal with. I think at the moment you need to deal with one thing at a time, firstly (detail removed by Moderator) which will be difficult enough without trying to deal with what may happen between your ex and your new partner, you are grieving at the moment and believe me you can make some very bad decisions during this time, just look after yourself and your children who have lost their grandmother, get through (detail removed by Moderator) and if necessary ask the new man to stay away, you can always see him later in the day, and when you have had time to deal with your Mums passing and all the things that go with that, then go on to the next issue when you are in a better place yourself trying to sort your life out in one go although things are interlinked is not a good idea, I know from a very costly decision when my Mum passed away. At the moment there is no hurry as you are away from your ex, so just one day at a time then you will be stronger to deal with the crap that is bound to come you way.

Take care of you, beachhutXx

[beachhut]

Morning. I am so sorry to hear of your situation, what ever you do will be judged as wrong by someone. I would suggest you now get as much help as you can from medical professionals and organisations who deal with your husband’s diagnosis to point you in the right directions as to what is on offer to help you cope with what is going to happen in the short term if operations and ongoing treatment are needed and in the long term. I know you cannot predict an outcome to any illness but it is best to be prepared for any eventuality.
You are not callous, you are just human, why people think they are entitled to abuse their partners I will never understand, and when something goes wrong in their life it is as if they have a right in their eyes to be looked after and all the things they have done should be forgiven, because they are ill, there are some things that can never be forgiven or forgotten. You have your own life and that of your children to take into consideration, you must do what is best for you, let people think what they wish you know the life you have been living, and why should you be tied to someone who has no respect for you. Take care.

[beachhut]

Just wanted to add, be careful trying to get him help. I reached out to a member of his family, and he told them I was mad, making everything up and this just made his action escalate I was gone very shortly after.

[beachhut]

Hello,

Haven’t been on here for a long time, but got out of my relationship a while back. No body can say for certain but, talk of suicide and them having suicidal thoughts is a very common thing for abusive men to come out with, he has got the reaction he wanted by telling you this, you are now worried, cannot sleep and feeling guilty. Most people who commit suicide do not announce what they are going to do, and if he is serious about taking his own life there is nothing you can do about it, you are not his keeper. He knows he is loosing his grip on you and will now do anything to keep you there. Mine told me he had been to see the doctor and I know that he did not go or even make an appointment just sat in the car park down the road, but he got the reaction from me he wanted. I hate to say this but these men will do anything underhanded to keep control. You owe him nothing. Keep safe and take care. 💐

[beachhut]

Just wanted to join your rant. So with you on this, was a victim of gaslighting, lost all sense of self worth and really thought I was going mad, am still trying to find myself ages after leaving. The word is over used by people who have no clue as too it’s true meaning or the long term effects it has on an individual.

[beachhut]

I am sure your friend did not intend to upset you, but unless you have been through DA most people do not want to know what has been going on especially when it is a friend that has been involved, we are so good at covering up what is happening behind closed door, friends can feel that they have let you down by not seeing how you have suffered. I have had very inappropriate comments from fiends, ‘That would not have happened to me’ others offered practical help but did not want to know what had happened, and another who admitted she has been through the same thing, which I never knew a thing about. We react to things in different ways and perhaps your friend could just not handle what you were going to tell her. You are amongst friends here who do understand, you are not alone.

[beachhut]

You don’t have to do anything you do not want to do. You know that you are living in an abusive relationship. We can sugar coat it as much as we like, he is not always like that, why not? Because he chooses not to be. He is sorry, why? If what he is doing is not wrong, it will not happen again, until the next time, he makes his choice to behave as he does, believe me we are not in charge of their behaviour or thoughts, they are just controlling, sad people who need to have their own way and do not care how they get it. No amount of presents or nice days out can make up for the bad days, the abuse and the bruises. I have been out a while now, I will not tell you it is easy but it gets less painful as the months go along, you find the woman inside you who has been there all along, hiding and making excuses for a life they do not deserve. You will know in your heart when you are ready to admit what you already know. You to have choices. Hope I have not offended. Take care of you, beachhutXx

[beachhut]

Hello. Firstly welcome and well done for getting away.

It is not easy but it does get easier, you think you have lost everything and things will never be the same again, everything is a worry and so much goes on in your head at times you think it will explode, you relive experiences and find it difficult to not get angry with yourself, your abuser and anyone else who happens to be there at the time, all quite understandable. What we went through is not normal and there is no normal way for us to deal with it, I do not know if you have but contact your local woman’s aid or equivalent if you have one in your area, and perhaps see if you can talk to your GP to help with your lack of sleep. Reach out to your old friends, you may be pleasantly surprised that they may be glad you have, nothing to loose. (I sent a text to a friend I thought I had lost and within literally seconds she was on the phone to me) so worth a try.

We think they took everything, our home, our possessions and our money but no matter how we were treated they could not take our spirit or it may be a little difficult to see now our determination, hang in there it does get better and more manageable with time. Take care,

[beachhut]

You feel guilty because you are a decent person, but please try not to. I am sure there is a Manuel that only abusive men know about that contains all this information on how to send us on the biggest guilt trip they can, we are told we have ruined their life, they cannot live without us, they will change it was all in our imagination, and the big one I will kill myself, unfortunately lots of us have been through this when leaving, they know that they are loosing their power over us and they will have to fend for themselves so will try everything to make us stay, it is all rubbish, make your plans for your new home and life, he is an adult so responsible for his own actions, yes we feel guilty, but we have done nothing wrong so have no need for guilt. Good luck.

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