BeautyMarked

[BeautyMarked]

Really well done to you Champ x

This must have been so hard for you but you’ve been so strong. You’ve done the right thing in every way. Have no more contact with him or his brother. You are right to block them. You are not the worst person. It will feel like it but you are not. Just remember that he did this. He made you go because of his abuse. That is not your fault. It’s his. He will make you feel like it because that’s all he’s got. He’s panicking because he’s lost control and he may use his brother as a ‘flying monkey’ to lure you back in but you’ve blocked so that shouldn’t happen. Be strong. Stand firm and resolved. Focus on yourself and what you need because he didn’t. It’s ok to cry. You’ve just made a big step by freeing yourself. If he tries to contact in any way (including through his brother) just firmly remind him you want no more contact x

[BeautyMarked]

Coercive control is a threat as much as physical violence. In some ways it’s more so as it’s so private and there are no obvious signs – no cuts or bruises. People would never know or suspect because the abuser is so charismatic, so upstanding etc. Just as you’ve described. Even those who have suffered physical abuse say that it’s the psychological effects that stay and harm the most. Don’t feel that what’s happening is less serious because you haven’t been physically assaulted.

It’s good that others are starting to recognise but if he also gets wind of it that’s when he might start escalating his behaviours. It’s good that you are recognising that you definitely want out and that you want to save yourself (and your children) from worse down the line (abusers always escalate). I’m not an expert in your particular situation and I’m sure others will advise. However, I would definitely advise speaking to Women’s Aid. They can give you advice about how to get out in the safest way for your circumstances. I think also that you will want to try to act as ‘normal’ as possible so as to not tip him off if you don’t think he’ll take the news very well. It depends on your current circumstances but you are recognising cycles and they always get shorter and harder so I would recommend getting in touch with WA as soon as you can.

[BeautyMarked]

From what you describe I would suggest that he is gaslighting you. And I expect that most, if not all, of the ladies on this board will be able to relate to what you’ve said.

You have a clear feeling that something is not right. You have needs and boundaries that you are trying to communicate to him and he is undermining and diminishing the way that you feel. You are starting to doubt and question whether you are being reasonable. This is gaslighting. If he had a need that wasn’t being met or if he had a boundary that was being encroached upon I expect he would tell you about it. You would listen and try to work it out. You would compromise by trying to see his view. You would apologise if you needed to. Is he doing this? Is he acting like a mature and healthy adult would in a relationship? It doesn’t sound like it. He is shifting the blame onto you. He is telling you that you make him feel bad. He is telling you that it is your fault and that you should feel guilty. This is him distorting, pushing, testing, trying to exert his control. And it’s working. You are accepting responsibility where there should be dialogue and compromise. Any time you begin to doubt yourself and there hasn’t been a proper discussion, it is almost certain you are being gaslighted. After the gaslighting the behaviours escalate as he is winning. He got you to apologise and accept sole responsibility. This is not a healthy relationship behaviour and is really very insidious. A person who must have everything on their terms is abusive. The red flags are up. Hold onto your reality as he is slowly trying to erode it until you feel like you are going quite mad. Post here all you need to as his behaviour is not correct. A healthy person would be able to see and accept their own shortcomings and look to work on them because that is what a partnership is. The scales of power and control are tipping in his favour every time he manages to get you to take the burden of responsibility for everything. Please don’t doubt yourself. Your body is clearly trying to tell you something is not right. Our instincts on this are powerful and quite often correct but post if you’re not sure as you will find support and truth here x

[BeautyMarked]

As others here have said, this is a classic abuser move. Everything I’ve read also mentions this as a manipulation tactic. These behaviours are like a script that they all seem to know – whether it’s on a conscious or an unconscious level I do not know. It’s bizarre. They really grasp at anything to avoid losing control I suppose. If he is genuine, it’s not fair of him to dump that responsibility on you. Indeed I don’t really think anyone genuine would put this kind of responsibility on anyone, quite the opposite in fact. If he’s not genuine and you call for help, he’ll be exposed for his manipulation. This is about you now. Focus on your needs because he is not. He managed to get you to stay and he messed it up. And he messed it up because he had no intention of changing his abusive ways. They like to test how far they can push, how much they can get away with. They are disgusting predators. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did everything you could and more. Much more than he deserves. This is about you now and you deserve to be free of his controlling ways x

[BeautyMarked]

This is definitely reproductive coercion. It may also be rape or assault. The whole thing around consent is a very grey area it seems. Even though I also wanted to use protection, I’ve been told I consented because I carried on having sex. But the fact here is that the consent isn’t fully and freely given because it involved coercion and persuasion particularly as consequences are attached (threats to leave etc). I definitely did NOT consent and I certainly didn’t consent to being hurt during sex. The fact is that this all centres around coercion and reproductive coercion in particular is one of the least talked about aspects of coercive control. I don’t see much about it at all but it’s definitely an offence. The police unfortunately have not recognised it in my case and now it’s an uphill battle because I didn’t ask for the sexual assault box to be ticked. Unfortunately I was also in the same situation where I was not fully realising that what had happened to me was serious and it grieves me that I am being made to feel like a liar because I didn’t realise or understand at the time of reporting. What you describe is coercive control and it is a crime. Mine went further again and he and his friend put a great deal of pressure on me to then have an abortion which is also reproductive control. It’s scandalous that forces are not recognising this as a crime. It is all part of assault. What hope do we have when the police don’t even recognise what is assault and coercive control. It absolutely is and I only hope that you will be taken more seriously than I have.

[BeautyMarked]

Thanks KIP x

You have such a great way of putting it. Nothing is an option. It was always the option I wanted least and I suppose my attention and urgency to all this is to try and get myself unstuck and validated. And yet I’m finding it hard to progress because I still have feelings for him. I could have put my complaint in at least by now, but I haven’t partly because it needs to be done thoroughly to stand a chance of success and partly because I know I will close the door forever. I’m sure that if I did see him I’d find it difficult to see past what he’s done now. Thank you for your reassurance x

[BeautyMarked]

It seems I’m in full self-destruct mode. He is keeping his dignified silence and getting on with his life whilst I’m in great pain, trying to fight to be heard. I have now done something really stupid. I am so ashamed that I’m not even going to write it here, but suffice it to say it is extremely stupid and unthinking. I don’t know what to do anymore or how to get out of it. I feel I keep sabotaging myself. I can’t keep fighting. He’s definitely going to come out looking like the good one so I think I need to stop all this. I’m travelling down a foolish and dangerous path because I can’t get over it. I may as well just continue. I will not get the justice I seek and I’ve lost all control out of grief. I’m fed up with the counselling and the ‘do something nice for yourself’ advice that it seems common to tell those who have suffered abuse. I don’t care for any of it. I just want things back to the way they were and wish I’d just put up with his behaviour. I want to go back to that. More than anything I want to go back. I have to speak with him and my desperation is leading me to undermine any case I may have had. Not that I have one. I’m expecting to hear back once again from the police and I’m sure they’re going to tell me no again. Taking on a (detail removed by moderator) doesn’t seem worth it. At most he’ll be told to take his sexual posts down. He’ll be able to carry on when I think he should be kicked out. I’ll just end up the loser as always.

[BeautyMarked]

It’s so very tough isn’t it? I feel your pain. This guy, like all abusers, is a master at mind games and manipulation. They know how to get at us. Deep down there is something wrong with these people to cause so much hurt and suffering. It’s not a reflection on you. Ultimately I’m sure these abusers are coming from a place of deep shame and self-loathing. It’s not an excuse though. It’s despicable and it’s all about power and control for them. This guy is really lingering around to establish that. Abuse escalated and he probably can’t stand being exposed in the way he has. The only way to deal with him is to go no contact and tell him so. For your own safety and sanity. You’re not getting a chance to start recovering because he’s still in the picture. Tell him no more via a message so it’s written down. If he refuses you can act accordingly. He needs to leave you alone. Set things up so that you’ve done all you can. He’ll be a fool to persist and will only have himself to blame if he ends up in trouble again. Put your needs first now x

[BeautyMarked]

You did right to post. So few do understand except the women here I find.

So much of what you describe resonates deeply. KIP puts it all perfectly. Not only do these people prey on people who they think might have certain weaknesses, making them easy to manipulate, but some of them probably think they are being genuine. They are attracted to you for certain qualities that you have that they do not possess themselves. They are so good at faking it and do convincing because they don’t truly possess the qualities that we fall in love with. They just mirror our own qualities or they become adept at listening to what it is that we say we are looking for and they become it in order to reel us in. They have to get our confidence high first otherwise who would stay with them? They make us fall hopelessly in love to manipulate. They can’t keep the charade up forever. The need for power and control is too much. It’s hard to think there are people out there capable of doing this. It’s so cruel and callous to promise a future and to make a lie of everything that you had. It’s sick and no matter how hard we try we cannot fully understand these people. They are wired differently. Healthy people don’t hurt people in the ways they do. It takes a long time for the heart to catch up with the head. That is why these people are so dangerous. The effects they have are lasting and this is why CC is a crime even though it’s so poorly understood and put into action. You understand your situation well but it doesn’t make it less painful. Just know we are with you x

[BeautyMarked]

I would encourage you to speak to Women’s Aid too. They are so very good and will understand. Your feelings are completely understandable and normal but you have nothing for which to feel ashamed. These manipulative men have a great role to play in our feelings of guilt, shame etc. It’s all manipulation and abuse. You’re in a strong position if you’ve done all those things and it sounds like you are really ready to leave. Speak to WA and don’t be afraid to call the police if he escalates. It’s an awful situation and you need to put your needs first (and those of your children) now. No one should have to put up with this and you don’t need to make excuses anymore. You’ve put up with so much and there are so many feelings that come with that which is why it’s important to get out so you can start being the person you are as opposed to the person he’s manipulated you into being through his need to establish control. Stay safe, be kind to yourself, seek the wonderful advice of WA and keep posting x

[BeautyMarked]

You are definitely not nuts. It’s hard to block, especially when you’ve suffered at the hands of a skilled manipulator. These people do seem to instinctively know from all that I’ve read. We don’t block because we have the trauma bond. Unless they’ve experienced it, people don’t tend to understand in my experience. They don’t get that it’s not a ‘normal’ breakup and that you don’t just move on like that. There’s a lot of processing of so many things. KIP’s idea is great, it’s worth a try until you are ready to do it. There’s no doubt that blocking and removing yourself from the toxic contact is needed, but it’s so much easier said than done sometimes. Be really gentle and kind with yourself. What you are going through is very typical. Why else do so many people get lured back so many times? These abusive people seem to have a sixth sense or something and they know the impact that they have. The road to recovery is bumpy – stay strong as you sounds like you have been making great progress. This has been a bump but you can do it x

[BeautyMarked]

I expect you’re right KIP. I seem to be doing a lot of grasping at straws though. Tbh I think he’s probably forgotten that I exist. It’s been a good few months now and nothing has happened so I reckon he thinks he’s off the hook and I’ve disappeared into the ether. We don’t have any common acquaintances except that nasty woman because he’s determined to keep me a secret which is part of why it hurts so much. I do see a very good counsellor. It’s expensive so I don’t know how long I can continue but they are so very good and knows exactly what I’m dealing with. As messed up as it sounds, he doesn’t even think I’m worth any more of his abuse after my ‘meltdown’. It’s as though I deserve my suffering and enforced separation from him.

[BeautyMarked]

Thanks Tiffany, that’s an interesting way of looking at it. I was looking into seeing if there was a person locally as I’d read about someone who had a really accurate and positive experience. I’m definitely a sceptic too and I suppose it’s right that I shouldn’t necessarily look to something like this when I’m still vulnerable. It’s ridiculous that I am as my tie separated is nearly as long as our time together now. I do think deep down I must know what’s right, but I just can’t escape my belief and trust in him. New things come to me every day. Sometimes it’s stuff that should make me mad at him and other times it’s frustration that perhaps I could have done something. I feel like I’m trying to look into the future but it’s just a great big empty void full of fear and uncertainty.

[BeautyMarked]

Indeed. It’s put me off in many ways. It just seems too hard. In other ways it makes me more determined. Can’t help thinking it’s futile if I’m trying to explain what’s happened and they just come back at me with scepticism and so-called reasons why there’s no offence or why they can’t investigate. It does make me wonder about what’s happened to me.

[BeautyMarked]

I know it’s terrible isn’t it. Two separate people said this to me. One of them in the DV team! The problem is if they do t think it’s a crime then it really knocks me back and makes me wonder how I can even get through. I wonder if it’s possible to ask for new and less judgemental officers?

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