bubbles

[bubbles]

Yeah it’s a safeguarding board. I just read your housing post and from what you wrote it will be looking at the safest way to get you and your daughter moved. They will probably move your urgency band on social housing if you are registered if not they will look at how they can help you. Less than a month after my MARAC meeting i was collecting the keys for my new house! You may get a social worker but if your taking the steps to protect your daughter, which you are they are good. Mine used to play with the kids while I cooked dinner (I know this was a tactic to speak to them alone but I had nothing to hide). You are definitely in a good place! Good luck x

[bubbles]

No they will not put you in danger if you still live with him. MARAC is a risk assessment board, every so often they get together it’s usually housing or a council member, the police, social services, education etc they will assess your need for housing and what’s best for your welfare and your kids if you have them. MARAC deal with high risk cases. It’s good you’re with the right people MARAC helped me loads! x

[bubbles]

Just re read your post it sounds like your mum is the (detail removed by moderator) and your dad the enabler. I always thought it was my dad but it wasn’t it was her! My parents stayed together my dad is calmer now and my mum can’t win because I will call her as soon as she starts and so will my daughter we had a minor incident over christmas and my daughter said don’t speak to my mum that way before I could even speak even my sis said she was wrong.

I think my mum is envious of me now, well she tells me she is because of the bond I have with my kids and how well i’m doing alone! I think this has come with a healthier environment she has no influence what goes on in my house take the abuser out of an environment and away from people they can abuse and they are no longer an abuser. It’s very odd how the power has shifted in my family I am now the go to person for issues.

If you find what I am saying has any relevance and you want to go on a research around it I’m here for you to talk to just PM me x

[bubbles]

Hi Serenity

Have you heard of (detail removed by moderator) parents? I don’t know if this relates to you but it’s a similar dynamic to the one you describe!

There’s a Scapegoat the rest are golden children there’s another type of child , can’t remember what it is it’s not as talked about as the other 2.

There’s the (detail removed by moderator) parent who is the one causing the trouble the other parents is either an enabler sometimes joining in on the abuse or enabling it. The golden children are well golden children the (detail removed by moderator) projects their desired self image onto them and molds them to what they want to be themselves. (I have read stories where this could be to the point of even meddling in teenage childrens sex life!) Then the scapegoat everything is their fault because the (detail removed by moderator) wants to protect the perfect family image they put out into the world so they need someone to blame and punish when things go wrong. They are there to shift the blame onto and they are treat like a naughty child because if all their failings are your fault they can’t treat you well can they?

Just have a quick google it’s all very interesting as you know through DA where the stories are all similar they are the same with this kind of the abuse too! I also read will I ever be good enough which was written by a woman who was the scapegoat and now has a healthy relationship with her (this is something that can happen when it’s the parental abuse you just need to emotionally age which is something a (detail removed by moderator) parent won’t let you do they keep you a child mentally and make you feel you can’t stand up for yourself).

I went through this after because I always believed I was bad and deserved the treatment but my therapist told me I wasn’t and it was all them it was the first time anyone had ever said that to me! Working this out helped me with my abuse and I felt like I got closure for her treatment too!

My sis the golden child was a vile person but it was because she was a mental mess from being the GC (they suffer too) she started working on her MH and now we have a relationship, we are friends, she is nice and she is now like another parent to my children whereas before she was too selfish to consider them as human beings!

x

[bubbles]

His girlfriend said she would put the money in I just say him because this is clearly his plan and doing “get one girl to pay the other girl and let me have control over the whole thing”. Just goes to show how bad things are for the poor girl! I think with the amount offered I could get a good pay out from him. Trying not to get my hopes up though before I would have been happy with base rate I don’t want to raise my expectations, mentally spend the money and feel let down.

[bubbles]

Keep a log of when he comes to see you and try gather some evidence. Is there a friendly neighbor that will vouch for him coming to your door? this is harassment and stalking it is a cause to contact the police you don’t want this man at your door! He could get aggressive even though you may not think it because he’s being nice trying to get his claws in but if he is unsuccessful he will turn nasty
Stay safe x

[bubbles]

Hi

Please do not hate yourself, you are not a bad parent, he is and a bad husband. I don’t know if you have thought of an escape plan or getting out but it’s a good idea to start planning if not.

Your son loves you and you are not a bad parent. Every child deserves and wants a mother just like your son deserves and wants you. I remember going to the doctors because i got so bad I thought i was undeserving of my kids and they were better than me and the environment we were in I was even considering putting them into foster care myself. But I got out and now I know i’m a fantastic mum doing a fantastic job.

It’s HIM doing this to your family not you you are a good mum and trying your best in the circumstances you’re in. x

[bubbles]

I don’t get flashbacks I never did but even now I get triggered and the feeling of how I felt comes back. I usually breakdown cry until I fall asleep and wake up feeling my normal sunny self again. It doesn’t happen often maybe once every few months I tend to feel allot better after the meltdown though I think it could be me chipping away at the feelings i’ve covered for so long x

[bubbles]

I’m going through the divorce process now and I will be keeping my married name. My kids are my family and I see them as no part of him as I see the name I have now. His name is so much prettier than my maiden one too and easier for people to understand when I talk on the phone lol. When the kids hit the legal age i’ve talked to them about changing it but they don’t like that idea as I said my maiden name is not nice x

[bubbles]

I went through the exact same thing serenity. My abuser would leave me and vanish for days and in those days I would get myself into a state and usually go drinking for days just to be around people. This was a vicious cycle as firstly I was drinking with HIS friends as he had cut me off from my own and secondary alcohol is a depressant and everything seems worse when you drink allot.

I moved myself far away from his area with all his friends and decided to cut contact with everyone he knew and build my own life. He was in prison at the time. I vowed my home would be a happy home I spent a month before I moved getting the house looking immaculate and well decorated. My old home had been smashed up so many times it was a horrible place to live.

The first weekend in my pretty house I realised I’d forgotten to sort the sky out so I had no TV the kids were away with family and I had no friends in the area so I faced the dreaded fear of my first weekend alone! I thought i’ll just push through it! That weekend I got to learn things about myself. I became addicted. The more time I spent alone the more time I got to become me again and the more I felt better about myself. People became worried about me being alone all the time but being alone made me love myself

Few years down the line i still like my alone time but in moderation now. I work full time and volunteer so there’s not much isolation I can do but friday is my night! I drop the kids off come home, get a bath, order food, crack the wine open and put a film on. I usually end up with the music on singing away at the top of my lungs. My friends think i’m weird but to me time alone is a really good thing! Whenever I have a bad day or have to deal with horrible people that trigger my feelings I come back into my safe space for alone time. It just helps me rearrange my perspective.

For me being abused so much it’s hard not to believe it’s me with the problem but when I have alone time I can reflect and understand what happened. Usually I am more confident after too. I don’t think it’s anything you need to worry about I think you are just finding yourself again! x

[bubbles]

Thanks guys I dunno what to make of this all. This morning I got a note through my door telling me he was moving far away so just wanted to say goodbye. Iv explained my situation to another survivor here it’s very difficult and complex there’s allot for me to lose by calling the police more than protection registers etc it could seriously change my life and ruin opportunities for me. It’s hard to explain without giving too much details. I seriously don’t know what to think of this note at best I can hope he’s telling the truth and he’s going at the worst it’s a part of his plan to try jilt me to get back with him (which will never happen). I watched the “Married single dead” doc which was quite worrying because he never smashed a laptop but there was a time in my life where I was lucky to keep a mobile for more than a week and just gave up on having one at all. In my old house there was actually an impression on the wall where my phone had hit it so hard the buttons and everything had left a clear imprint in the wall! He’s not very tech savy though never has been so the internet is a very safe place for me! I just dunno what to make of all this x

[bubbles]

Hi serenity

There’s no child contact as he is deemed unfit to see my kids by social services I am very lucky in that respect 😀 . He used to go see them on their birthdays but even that’s dropped off over the last couple of years as he will “come when he can be bothered” (his words). Now they are getting older they would rather eat paste than see him.

We had a cash payment before that was also from her pocket well that’s what I was told but he gave it to me (guilt tactic maybe, you’re taking it from her?) didn’t last long. The week before christmas he cut it when I asked him where my money was he said they were going through a tough time so went out drinking and she left her purse in the taxi. They didn’t have a penny over xmas so needed my money they had safely stored at home! Then he went on to say “and you’re not the type of person that would want to see her kids go without at christmas are you?” PFFFFT

It would last a month if that he’d say he didn’t like how I was spending the money or something cropped up and they couldn’t pay! I just know CSA give an option now of how to pay and he doesn’t need to have that type of influence over my life. If he chooses the direct pay if he can’t do the card thing he’ll default pretty soon and I can get them to take the payments.

I thought CSA must have contacted him already for him to make the offer which was fast but I got a welcome letter today so I don’t think they have unless he thinks I will pop it on the court forms for the divorce and he’s worried what I will demand.

I’d rather accept the base rate and know it’s coming than take 100s and get it cut when i’m expecting it. Plus through CSA I don’t have to deal with him anymore it’s like pulling teeth!

He always said to me like yours I won’t give a penny because I don’t want you sitting pretty I want you to suffer for leaving. In truth I feel guilty claiming like I have no right because I don’t even see the kids as his anymore! Just reading the reviews on the card and it doesn’t look good x

[bubbles]

Thankyou I couldn’t agree more! I also think I am happier because of what happened to me. It takes someone who had been in a deprived situation to be ecstatic because they have food in the fridge and freedom! If it wasn’t for this the little things in life wouldn’t get me excited and make me smile!

[bubbles]

Hi KIP
I didn’t know that thanks for the answer!

I’m concerned what he would do too. He asked me to put money in the account too so he can see what is being spent on the kids as a whole which he can control, close down and withdraw as he pleases. He says he needs to make sure his money is being spent on the kids which annoys me greatly as I would never see my children without and their extra classes alone cost more than what they’re offering! Plus the fact I solely have funded the kids pretty much since we broke up.

The nerve of the whole thing has left me a little annoyed TBH I’m just curious as to what CSA will come back with now as I know nothing about him like where he works or if he works. The whole thing screams control freak and there’s usually a backlash when he doesn’t get his way!

[bubbles]

Thankyou KIP

Yes Ayanna I too was more struck with rage and anger to the point where I would black out I was so angry about what he’d done to me. As I got help for things I calmed down allot now I spend allot of time alone evaluating things when I’m in a bad situation I step back and evaluate it instead of just seeing red. Unless you can vent that anger its horrible to be stuck with it.

I think everyone feels the same pain but peoples perception of strength is based on how the person deals with it. Iv been feeling very down lately suicidal even i think it’s the weather but I have never shown I feel that way to anyone. Iv woken up this morning after a good nights sleep and I have the no more head on. Today i’m determined to get myself back on track no more moping I’v got tonnes of work to be doing so yesterday I was so weak and a mess but today i’m the total opposite and that’s just how I work.

I use the other forums because I can be personal on there where as on here it’s very restricted which suits most but since my main abuser has never used the internet in his life I have no worry about being found the internet’s probably the safest place for me.

The course sounds good I might see if there’s any in my area too. x

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