bunsandcakes

[bunsandcakes]

Thanks guys, this has really helped.

I did talk to my new partner about some of it and I cut off contact from the bad egg. Things are now back on track and progressing well with the new guy. He is so understanding and flexible about things which I just havent experienced before. My abusive ex has been trying to threaten me and sending controlling and coersive messages as he knows I am in the new relationship. I’ll start a new thread on that shortly as I would appreciate advice.

Isnt it amazing how the abusive relationship, evn though it’s over, seems to sprawl on into everything you do in the future… like some kind of fungus trying to poison everything.

[bunsandcakes]

Can anyone talk? I feel so low I dont know what to do. Ive had to ask my ex to have the kids an extra night because I felt overwhelmed and unable to cope.

[bunsandcakes]

Hi Sunshine, good to hear from you again. I had/have the same with my place. I found freecycle really good as did I with carboot sales. I have pretty much kitted out my whole place for maybe 2k? Including beds, cots, sofa, chairs, cupboards, draws… the lot! Also dont be afraid to ask your local community if you need things, gumtree and freecycle both have ‘wanted’ sections where you can post if you need something. People are good hearted. I got a cot from a friend.

This year for my birthday, my mum bought me a drill and I am slowly learning a little DIY.. Ive cut my fingers more times than I can say and snapped many drill bits but I am getting there!!! Again YouTube everything!!! xxxx its empowering to know you can do some things for yourself.

[bunsandcakes]

Ive never heard of this but need to look into it. I have had over (detail removed by Moderator) with no financial support for me and the kids. We spent nearly half (detail removed by Moderator) and he has dodged everything by not taking an income from his own business even though he has thousands in the bank. He DOES have a caution for assault.

[bunsandcakes]

Im so sorry to hear you are having a bad time, poor health and lack of sleep makes everything so much worse. I think you should go and speak directly with your local branch of womens aid. They really helped me sift through what was and wasnt abuse. It opened my eyes and changed everything for me. I left a year later. Whatever you decide, know you have the strength internally to carry on. You will do right by your kids. Your kids shouldnt bare witness to this petty bitching and moaning he seems to be putting you through. Do reach out and get support, there are lots of drop in services or you can call the helplines. It DOES make a difference.

[bunsandcakes]

He is an abusive bully. It’s very simple. You need to leave him. Your son will be better growing up knowing that behaviour like that is wrong. You cannot stay with an abuser. What you describe is absolutely text book stuff. I once cut my own legs with a tooth pick because I felt the anguish you describe so elequently.

Be brave. Be bold. Be fabulous. Leave him. It’s not ok.

[bunsandcakes]

WELL DONE!!! That was a super brave move. You have been the toughest voice for me on here. Always what you suggested I do I thought ‘wow thats a tough stance’ but every single time you were right. Ive wanted to tell you that for ages KIP, I hope you see this. You said ‘leave’, you said ‘log it’, you said ‘go to court’ you were right with it all and it all played out exactly as you said. Your tough voice resinated with me. Here, you have been tough again. You knew you needed to do it and you procrastinated as you knew it would stir up emotions but.. now its done. You have freed yourself of another tiny thread of burden left by that horrible horrible time. It’s done now. Well done. xxxxxx

[bunsandcakes]

I echo this post and the reply from lightness. Ive even taken to listening to the archers just to keep my mind away from panic. I am practicing mindfulness too via the headspace app, it helps a little. Time is the only thing that will make it all easier sadly. I wish I could give you a hug, I feel so the same as you. I have two young kids and am self employed and juggling (detail removed by Moderator) its a lot. We will get through this, we did the right thing. Of that I am sure.

[bunsandcakes]

Hi Ayanna I remember speaking with you in the past. I too suffer very very badly from anxiety at the moment. I am settled in a rental now and got most of my furniture from gumtree and freecycle and friends donations so I really feel for you. For me, doing all that stuff and having the kids kept me so busy I didn’t feel down or depressed or anxious at the time, it has been far more gradual as things settled down and I thought Id feel better I actually felt worse. Its a very odd thing when you are making progress and things ARE improving only you don’t emotionally feel better, if anything worse. Anxiety is normal. Depression is normal. Anyone who was going through the major upheavals of housing would feel those things and throw in an abusive ex and well… its no suprise at all you feel utterly overwhelmed. The tricks I have found that REALLY help me are:

– I bought a book by Dr Claire Weeks called ‘Self Help for your nerves’ and it was a bit of a revelation. She speaks like she is talking TO you and it calmed me down a LOT during bad panic attacks – still does – Im having them daily still.

– CBT councelling – practical help in how to deal with the panic attacks and listing out tasks that need to be done and focussing on the now.

– Mindfulness via the Headspace app.

– Yoga – I started at home with a youtube channel called Yoga with Adriane

– Running with headphones on listening to the radio.

– Listening to the Archers. Its not very exciting and lulls you into a storyline that helps distract you from negative thinking.

I hope some of these help you. Im on 2 types of anti-depressant and STILL get anxious all the time. I have court cases for finance pending atm and so I m trying to be kind to myself and remind myself that it is not surprising I feel overwhelmed.

Much love xxx

[bunsandcakes]

It really is exhausting. There are days when I just give in and can’t ‘face the fight’ as I call it when I know he is in a testy mood – usually just before he goes to visit his dad. Pick your battles, you don’t have to win at everything. I was also worried about Early Help for the exact same reason but I was told by several people that getting help for your children shows you are a positive and active parent… they worry more when behaviour is apparent at school or home and no one does anything about it. It was the same with my concerns about mental health. I thought that if I left my ex, he would use my history of depression and anxiety against me to take the kids but in fact, because I had always been to the GP and checked in and took medication for it they said courts see that as a positive and it doesn’t reflect negatively on you at all.. in fact I was told that if the other side try to use those kind of tactics most judges see through it immediately and it puts THEM in a very bad light. Don’t be afraid to seek help if you need it.

[bunsandcakes]

Sending love and support, it’s bloody hard!!!! These questions go through my head all the time. Their behaviour keeps us spinning so we never feel we truly know where we stand! The only thing that keeps me going is that the way he behaved was wrong. Leaving was the right thing to do because, regardless of what happened in which ever order, good people don’t treat each other like that and it had to stop. He wasn’t a good person, you stopped it. You have done the right thing. There is no going back I am afraid, there just isnt.

[bunsandcakes]

Hi there, so sorry you are struggling with this. I have been through a lot of what you mention with my son. I went to ‘Early Help’ which every council has, you should be able to google it for your local branch. They weren’t VERY helpful but after he saw them a few times his behaviour DID improve. I think it helped that someone he didn’t know had come in specifically to talk to him about the way he was behaving and his worries. He also sometimes speaks to his teacher at school but what he says doesnt marry up with what he tells me. I think they are kind of angry at us for being ‘weak’, Im not sure why but that is kind of how it feels. I got a lot tougher on my son and it was HELL for a month or three but he has improved. He has his moments and is VERY hard work and thinks the sun shines out of his dad’s butt but hey… it is progress from where we were at!

[bunsandcakes]

Thanks guys, sorry to keep popping back on here like the gloom merchant! I just wanted to update that I had seen the psychiatrist who has given me some new antidepressants to try on top of my normal ones. I have also signed up for counselling which should start soon and as a volunteer in a (detail removed by Moderator) which is once a week and should help me just stay distracted. My parents have been amazing, I feel very lucky but(detail removed by Moderator) it feels like Im still treading water. Seeing my ex twice weekly for kid exchange is painful and watching my ‘dream home’ be sold has been awful. I know its just bricks but everything feels so uncertain again. I just want PEACE!

[bunsandcakes]

Thank you for these good tips. I don’t understand how I coped with finding somewhere to go, going to freedom program, leaving, surviving and was fine and then months down the line I am like I am now. Im recovering from an unwanted pregnancy which I think has messed me up hormonally but I am angry at myself that I cant just get on with life and feel good about things. Its like I cant feel enjoyment properly. I have a glimmer of feeling like ‘the sun is nice on my face’ then I am conciously thinking about the fact I had a good thought then I am worrying about feeling bad then I am feeling bad! Ive had CBT before and it did help and I am meeting someone on Friday to discuss getting some more and some more councilling too. I am also going to see a proper clinical psychiatrist to discuss my medicine and review how to proceed so I have plans in place but for now it feels like the ground in moving under my feet and I am just dizzy and lost and terribly lonely.

[bunsandcakes]

Hi Eve1,

You are not alone. I feel the same things you mention. I had a breakdown recently and its been hard to get past the ‘I cant do this’ feelings but WE CAN! We just do it! We carry on because we have kids who need us. We carry on because there were good times and there will be again. We carry on so it doesn’t beat us.

Good luck, things WILL improve. x

[bunsandcakes]

Thanks KIP, i really appreciate it. I had a few moments where I felt like I just wanted to be dead. Not that I wanted to kill myself just that I wanted all the stress to just stop. Kids, finances, court, work, the abortion, my family, its just never ending and I cant stop my thoughts running away into stupid endless spirals. Today i paniced that my parents help so much… What if they die!! Its just silly. The sane part of me can see its bad and irrational negative thinking but its like Im too exhausted to fight the thoughts amd replace them with better ones.

[bunsandcakes]

Hi guys, sorry having a bad time and need to talk and update this situ. Im stiiillll waiting for the abortion, a little more than a week. Im also awaiting ex being served court papers, will happen at the same time. Ive now had a mini breakdown from the stress, anxiety just swamped me and I couldnt function so my mother has come to help me get through things for a bit. I feel so guilty that I have to depend on my family but it just felt like something snapped in my head. I dont want to suffer like this and i want to be a perfect mother to my kids. Hormones will be making everything worse but the panic attacks are so debilitating. I have mediation but they dont stop.

[bunsandcakes]

Thanks Lilaclady. I think I need to just focus on work and the kids and stay busy until this is over. I don’t want it to have a negative impact on my kids, thats my main concern.

[bunsandcakes]

Reading this KIP has made me cry so I guess you are right. I remember you from our previous exchanges so I know you know some of my story. I just cant believe my luck. I only have (detail removed by Moderator) and that combined with the fact we used a condom and go unlucky PLUS I took a morning after pill within 24 hours.. I feel like someone is testing me and that my life is just a series of fuck ups. My sister is just telling my mum for me because I cant face it.

[bunsandcakes]

Hugs to you. I know it can feel like a mountain and the words you speak are familiar to me. You are not alone and you will overcome. Its beautifully written.

[bunsandcakes]

I had one and have nothing but praise and respect for them, they were the only service that hasnt let me down at all x

[bunsandcakes]

Hi there, just reaching out to say I feel ya! Ive had a couple of dates lately with a man who is super nice but Ive basically insisted on evidence to believe anything he says!! I took ‘being cautious’ to a whole new level to the point where I was asking him to send a live photo of whatever he said he was doing so I could believe it!!! He has been really undstanding but I feel like a nut case! You just have to go through it I think and do whatever you feel in your gut is the right thing for your own sanity.

Id say something to the chap and if he gets weird, cut him off. If he is a real ffriend he wont be offended and will just get on with whatever you set as boundaires

[bunsandcakes]

Hi there, Early Help can be a great help.. they are kind of a step down from social workers and they offer a lot of classes, councelling etc for kids. Look it up and find your local branch and just call them and explain they will set up a meeting and go from there.

[bunsandcakes]

I just logged on to write this very post myself! I don’t know the answers but all the feedback so far makes sense to me and seems very reassuring that the right person will just hold our hand through it and you can get there in the end. I dont think it will ever leave us.

My post that I wont now write is basically that I went on a date, which went well but the guy is very strange to me because he doesnt use social media, he is rich and very successful and just not like me at all in a lot of ways. He keeps complimenting me and I freak out. He is nice to me and I freak out. I even didn’t believe his background so I asked him to prove who he was before agreeing to see him again. He sent me a photo of his business card but I cant find the business anywhere so I probed him.. I am making him bring old photos of his past and share photos of what he is doing so I can try and build a bit of trust but at the moment I actively DONT TRUST HIM even though he seems like the perfect catch! In fact Ive been crying all morning because I wasnt expecting to feel so emotionally disturbed by meeting someone I can potentially see myself growing to like!!

[bunsandcakes]

Thanks for your feedback ladies. I have sought advice and councilling for my son and this week he said he wants to stay at his Dad’s next week but I think he just said that because his dad will have emotionally blackmailed him with ‘dont you love daddy etc’. Its all very uphill at the moment (detail removed by moderator).

[bunsandcakes]

I am sorry to say this is all tactics of abuse. Leaving you feeling like you are the one being unreasonable or difficult… making you feel confused.. keeping you on your toes so you dont know if its Mr Perfect today or Mr Hell. This isnt a normal relationship. You shouldnt have these terrible ups and downs. Focus on the plan and get out. Its emotionally exhausting but it is possible. I left a (detail removed by moderator) ago and there were days when I thought ‘what the hell am I doing I should win him back’ before leaving but since I left I have not once regretted that decision. They make you feel like it’s fixable or like they can change.. they cant. Be strong, sending you so much strength to get through this period. It will be better on the other side.

[bunsandcakes]

Thanks so much KIP and all. I’m doing a lot better… I guess Ive gone from a 10/10 on the worst feeling ever scale to a 5 or 6 out of 10.. 7 at bad points. Thats a lot better. I still can’t stop that feeling of heat rising in my face and body with panic and my mind just racing myself away and disassociating from my surroundings. Im still with constant care from my parents for now, they are just being around so I am not on my own until I get enough of a grip on life but I worry that he will find out and say Im not coping and make a bid for the children or some other ghastly outburst about what a failure I am.

[bunsandcakes]

Thanks guys. Ive had to depend heavily on my parents and thta also causes me panic as i think ‘how will i survive when they are not alive anymore’ which is ridichlous but its just there in my mind. I feel like a scared child and need someone with me constantly. I feel like there is nothing to look forward to and everything is just stress and pain and hard work. I am taking my medication, having counciling bi weekly and doing a womens sjrvival course with womens aid but i still just cant snap out of it. I worry that my kids are better off without me or that if he knows im not coping without my parents he will try and take custody.

[bunsandcakes]

This sounds familiar. There is a course i am doing called the freedom program and this kind of conversation is classic abusive tactics. He is trying to confuse you, belittle you, make you feel disorientated and like its all in your head and if you leave it will all be youf fault. It won’t. Its his fault. He is a bully and a headworker. It took me about 1-2 years before i got the courage to leave and km nlw saying my life is easy now but its so much better not having everything controlled by their moods…. Their outbursts.. Their sudden loving behaviour that gives you enough hope to stay but that never lasts. Its a cycle to abuse then love then abuse then love. Its not right. Hold on to that. This isnt right.

[bunsandcakes]

Sending strength and positivity. You are holding down a job. You are dealing with and being responsible for your animals. You are wising towards him and his past. You need to give yourself a huge hug fkr that.

Crying is ok.breaking down occasionally is ok. It will get better. X

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