cakepops

[cakepops]

I definitely experienced this too. For me it was because I felt like I was finally taking control leaving the relationship for the sake of our children, only to end up in what felt like a worse situation due to ongoing post separation abuse. It has taken a very long time to have more of a balance and feel more healthy.

I still slip into old habits often when my kids are away from me with my ex, as I worry and don’t eat/sleep well. But I have found ways to cope, to eat and exercise better and am looking forward to getting a dog soon too.

Your body will find its balance in the end, but in the meantime just try to be kind to yourself. Exercise routines are all very well but sometimes what your body needs is lots of rest and relaxation.

[cakepops]

He has no right to know where you are taking your daughter if it’s just normal everyday outings or even overnight. When we separated we had an agreement that we would notify the other person if we were taking the children away overnight but after ex repeatedly didn’t bother to tell me I also stopped informing him. You would be expected to notify him about any illness, doctor appointments etc. You will also need his permission if you want to take her abroad. Things like school choices and medical decisions he will have an equal say.

In terms of contact, be very careful and get legal advice. Even when there has been abuse the courts tend to favour shared care arrangements. A contact centre might be the best bet to avoid allegations that you are withholding contact (abusive men often accuse their ex partners of abuse).

[cakepops]

My advice would be to really take your time. I had counselling early on after leaving the relationship and I think in a way it was too soon. It helped with the aftermath of actually leaving, but not the longer term trauma. So don’t necessarily expect everything to be resolved all at once.

Its been several years for me, but I still struggle sometimes to know who I actually am. I spent so long trying to placate my ex that its all very muddled. I am getting there though, and have a great support network and new interests. Some things I thought I wanted to focus on in the first couple of years after leaving weren’t actually right for me after all. So take time to try things, and see it as a process of discovery not a quick fix.

[cakepops]

Have you read about ‘grey rock’ and ‘yellow rock’ communication methods? These have been hugely helpful for me.

Have a google, but effectively its about ignoring irrelevant comments, being child focused and emotionless. It does help to reduce the issues when they realise you aren’t getting drawn in.

[cakepops]

I hope you managed to get to the airport on time. Please try not to beat yourself up about things like this happening either way – everyone ends up in ridiculous situations like this sometimes. I nearly missed a really important train once with my kids due to going to the wrong train station, my friend once missed a flight with her kids as she forgot her passports.

Please give us an update and let us know if you got there ok x

[cakepops]

I have had some awful experiences with work over the last few years too. I think it is partly because due to the long-term abusive relationship I am hugely conflict averse. This means I often let little issues build up slowly instead of tackling them at the start, and so people take advantage of me. Eventually it all gets too much and I am left feeling totally walked over. I’ve been working on this with a counsellor, but its really hard to build up that sort of confidence again.

Ultimately though I do also agree with others that there are so many toxic workplaces too. Its so hard to try and make the decision whether to leave or not. I’m struggling with the same currently, but as there’s no decent jobs for me to apply for currently its irrelevant.

Good luck with the interview!

[cakepops]

Men like this are often very clever. They learn from what did/didn’t work in one relationship and use this for the next one. This means they often seem to totally change when a new relationship comes along.

When I look back at our relationship my ex was a bit like a chameleon. He changed parts of himself to be what seemed the perfect person that I wanted initially. Over a very long time these parts slowly fell away and I was left really confused and trying to find the person I had fallen in love with. He kept telling me it was all my fault that he was stressed/angry so I would change my own behaviour trying to please him. I would see glimpses of the old person I loved which kept me hanging on in the relationship for much longer than I should have done.

I see my ex doing this with his new partner, but in different ways. He has changed (detail removed by Moderator) which just so happen to coincide with her views. I gather he told her (detail removed by Moderator) (total rubbish). He is morphing to be the person she wants him to be, and I expect this will last a good while until she relaxes in to the relationship and he can slowly reveal his true self. I feel desperately sorry for her. She no doubt thinks she’s found the perfect man, as did I at the start.

There are always underlying reasons people are abusive – unless he has had therapy this won’t change.

[cakepops]

I naively fully expected to leave my abusive relationship, work out some co-parenting schedules and live happily every after. I had absolutely no idea how things would work out.

Despite a new serious relationship it feels like my ex lives to try and torment me. He’s slowly worked his way through every accusation possible – apparently I abused him physically, mentally and financially and have numerous mental health issues (I don’t). He then accused me of emotional neglect to our kids, medical neglect of our kids, accused me of making up medical symptoms for them. Years of family court. Long accusatory emails, but of course if I ask a question or need to know something he ignores me.

Grey rock is useful, but ultimately means that I am helpful and put our kids first and he does the opposite.

In a way I don’t blame him any more – he is clearly unwell and unhappy. What I do blame is the system that not only allows him to do these things but encourages him.

[cakepops]

Mine used to prolong handovers as much as possible whether dropping off or picking up. He would make a huge fuss about how much he had/would miss them. He’d encourage them to run up and down, throw them into the air, all sorts of stuff just to make me wait. He would also pick up our littlest one as soon as he came near to drop off – deliberately making sure they couldn’t run towards me. Then it was a huge show and dance pretending they didn’t want to get put down. Lots of comments designed to rule me up but in such as way that no-one else would know that was what he was doing. All the while recording with his phone…

We now do third party handovers (mostly school, family for holidays) and it is so much better for me and the kids.

[cakepops]

I can totally relate to this. Years out of the relationship, but having children together is just a never-ending horrendous nightmare. My ex is like a chameleon, so he manages to find ways to ingratiate himself with all the people that matter and have influence over my/our kids lives. He lies constantly, but even when caught out with serious lies there is no negative consequence so he keeps doing it. In fact in many ways the system encourages him to do this.

To the outside world he is a wonderful loving father, but our children are struggling with his controlling behaviour too now, which is the worst part of it all.

Sometimes I forget how bad it is when we were in the same house, and you are right it is much better even though the ongoing post separation abuse is horrendous. He used to keep me up all night regularly with his arguments, accusations, paranoia… It was utterly relentless. At least now I don’t have to physically see him.

[cakepops]

Well done for taking the huge step of leaving. I remember those early days and feeling overwhelmed, scared, uncertain… just so many negative emotions.

Try to focus on your own needs for this period. What do you enjoy usually? A warm bath with a hot chocolate? A walk by the sea/river/woods? Try to focus on the small normal things in life, and over time you will start finding some joy again.

[cakepops]

You aren’t overthinking at all. On paper my ex has moved on with a long-term relationship but in practise he is still obsessed at intruding into my life in whatever way he can. He pops up here, there and everywhere – not just social media but doing things in my local community (that he no longer lives near). I do find it triggering, but I am also aware that each individual thing is very easily explained away and so its nowhere near the level you could report as harassment.

In your case he probably posted lots on the sort of social media pages he knows you are likely to see especially to cause distress. That says way more about him than about you.

As for his new partner, there’s nothing you can do. You ex will be on lovebombing mode, and I doubt she believes about the abuse. He’s probably given her a huge sob story about how it was his dog, and he bought all the stuff, and you are abusive etc, which will reel her in with sympathy.

[cakepops]

I can totally relate to GR’s reply. I didn’t know who I was after my long abusive marriage. I am still working it out now, and some things have come as a surprise. As a random example, I discovered I enjoy hillwalking. When I was with my ex he would drag me up huge hills, walk much faster than me, get annoyed at me being too slow, and there was always some sort of entirely unnecessary drama or explosive outbursts about parking/forgetting something minor/timings/me being tired etc. So I thought I hated hillwalking, but actually I’ve joined a women’s group and I really enjoy it now as its friendly and supportive.

I think as you rediscover who you are, and who you want to be in future, this will help put perspective on how you feel about your ex. Read up about trauma bonding, as this will be helpful. I found CBT and also counselling via Women’s Aid helpful too. Although I think my counselling was too early on in the healing process and I’m on a waiting list again. It takes a long time to process everything and realise how bad things were.

Be careful with the guilt, and try not to rush in to any major decisions. You situation is different as my ex wasn’t charged, but I made bad decisions about how much contact with our kids to offer. I felt so guilty about ending the relationship and this clouded everything. The guilt will go over time. These days I am able to see exactly who is the one who should feel guilty – it isn’t me 🙂

[cakepops]

I think abusers actually pick strong, kind, caring people – this is how they manage to cause so many issues.

If I hadn’t been so strong I would have left many years before I did. I believed that I was helping and supporting a wonderful man who was apparently unlucky with work/family/friends/previous partners, who had supposedly been abused by his family and previous partner, who deserved my love. I can look back clearly now and see the cycle of abuse, and the constant lies, but at the time I was just increasingly desperate to try to help the man I loved through all the things that seemingly weren’t his fault.

Being ‘strong’ meant that when he was horrendous to me I was able to pick myself back up and carry on regardless. But it also meant that I never allowed myself to think of the damage to myself until I was in way too deep to escape easily.

The phrase that always winds me up is ‘but you always seemed so happy’…

[cakepops]

Who is telling you these things – is it family, colleagues, friends, your ex, your children?

One of the things I found hardest in leaving my abusive relationship was coming to terms with my entire life changing. I lost many friends as he told everyone so many nasty untrue things about me. Other people just didn’t understand my situation, or found it uncomfortable.

I’ve had to make a new life for myself, and it is painfully slow. Over time you will find people who believe in you and can support you. Sending hugs

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