Catjam

[Catjam]

Thanks, I have downloaded the book you suggested and will read it when my head doesn’t hurt so much. I went to a support group yesterday and they were so lovely. My daughter came too as she has just been diagnosed with EUBPD. Emotional unstable personality disorder. She got some amazing advice. Unfortunately she is in one of her angry moods which makes her extremely difficult to deal with.
It’s all just so overwhelming

[Catjam]

Hi, I was exactly the same. I asked him repeatedly to leave and he wouldn’t.
I also had the option to get him removed but decided against it because it felt too much. That I didn’t want to give him that label, more because of our kids as they are all grown up.
So I ended up finding somewhere to live and in a way I think this was the better option. He would have left with a bag of clothes and would have found a reason to come back every day.
It was hard to leave especially as I left with very little but my place is just that, it’s mine. I still have to deal with all the legal stuff and I miss him badly but I have tried to go no contact as much as possible.
There are no easy options but you need to do what’s right for you.

[Catjam]

Hi, my heart goes out to you. I too have been in a relationship for decades and know how hard it is. I only left recently so feel the urge to go back the minute I wake. I cared for his parent who had (removed by moderator) so I understand that pressure too.
Is he at the point of being able to go into a home? So maybe you can start dealing with being apart from him.
You need to start taking care of you. Easier said then done but it’s going to be your time soon. It may be worth talking to someone who may able to help you heal from everything you have gone through.
I know I’m probably not offering much help but I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t on your own xx

[Catjam]

This is abuse. Mine would do similar stuff. If I told him no to certain situations then he would sulk or go silent. Sometimes he just wouldn’t leave me alone till I gave in just so I could sleep. Every so often he would want to talk about how boring I was. That he needed more.

Sorry this is harder than I thought.

Have you considered reaching out to your gp? It may be a small step into getting help and they may know of agencies that can help you look after your children.

You deserve so much more and to be treated with respect and love. Take care xx

[Catjam]

Hi, this sounds awful. It’s abuse. I finally spoke to my gp about my concerns and she was so supportive and put me in touch with a local support group. It’s hard to find out the person who you thought you would spend the rest of your life with can treat you so badly.
I would also recommend the Freedom Programme, I have only been able to do it online but I know their are classes in it. Also read as much as you can.

The ladies on here are amazing and always offer support and advice to reach out on here too.

I know it’s daunting but know you are believed and their is help and support out there.
Take care xx

[Catjam]

Hi, I’m sorry you are dealing with all this. Life with these men make us question our sanity. Im not good at giving specific advice but I would suggest reading and research. I favour Lundy Bancroft and his books but I know there are a lot more out there that may be better for your situation.
I would also talk to someone at Womens Aid or find a local support group. My gp put me in touch with my local group as mine is emotionally abusive rather than physical.
If you search for gaslighting and the FOG of abuse it brings up loads of websites you may also find helpful.
I would just add the comment you made about his previous girlfriend being stronger than you isn’t true. You are stronger than you realise but these men are very clever at getting under our skin and make us believe that they are so right for us.
I hope you find the answers you need to move forward. Take care xx

[Catjam]

I totally agree, we all need to be kind to ourselves. No-one really understands what we go through on a daily basis. I think once I started learning I was living in an emotionally abusive relationship life became so much harder because I started to question the good times as well as the bad.
We all need to be proud of our strength, we are not weak for staying. We are fighting every day to survive and I honestly think we are so much stronger than our abuser. We see the goodness in people. We don’t let them completely wipe out our core beliefs, we might think they do but if you did deep it’s still there.
I always try to see the best in people and I would like to think I treat people fairly. I also believe that for every act of kindness we receive we should pay it forward to the next person in crisis or down on their luck.
We all need to be proud of the tiny steps we take to regaining control, even if it’s just taking 5 minutes on your own to remind yourself you are worth fighting for.
Take care xx

[Catjam]

Hi, people will never understand emotional abuse unless they experience it. Everything always seemed so trivial it was my counsellor who pointed out that each event was like a grain of sand. 1 is just a grain of sand but start putting them together and before long you have a desert.
I am also struggling to get one of my daughters to see why I left. To her I am being selfish because of the timing. She doesn’t understand why I needed to go now, why I couldn’t have waited until next year as she has a significant event in the autumn. Her need for that to be perfect outweighs the dramatic announcement by her mum that had I not left I probably wouldn’t be here.
I think we all look for validation with emotional abuse, its so much easier to spot a black eye or a bruised lip. Emotional abuse should be renamed water torture.
I made a report to the police but decided to leave on my own rather than relying on the agency to remove him. The onus on me to prove I was suffering seemed too great at the time.
I hope you find a way out thats safe.

[Catjam]

Hi, I totally relate to all you have said. I didn’t leave because of the good times, he was being so nice and I knew the responsibility of taking him would fall on my 2 oldest girls. But I left and I still question if I was right especially given the impact on my relationship with my kids. But I come to my new home and I feel ok. Its not great, insomnia and panic attacks are still occurring as are the feelings of guilt.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, its going to be the hardest thing you will ever do but it’s so worth it. I’m now learning who I am. I met him so young and my entire life has been about taking care of him and for the first time in decades its just about me. I don’t wait for the slam of the door to know what mood he is in, or worry when he starts doing his sigh, leg punching thing, a sign he was annoyed about something. Sometimes I found out others he would just does this for days.
I miss him and the life we had but it was a life built on lies and falseness. I don’t know whether I did certain things because I genuinely wanted to or because he twisted and manipulated me to do them.
I’m scared for the future as I haven’t told him yet I’m not ever going back but I’m also planning my first ever weekend away with my big sister. Abroad!! Something I would never have dreamed would happen at the beginning of the year.
You will get there and with the help and support from this forum I’m sure one day you will find the strength to finally put you first. Take care xx

[Catjam]

Hi, I have my sister and my boss who are also frustrated by the fact I still put him and his feelings first. I’m out but I am still trying to keep everyone happy at a great cost to myself.
These men are very good at the Jekyll and Hyde stuff. I still question now if life was so bad with him.
Seek help from women’s aid and also read as much as you can. The Freedom programme is also very good.

[Catjam]

Hi, you are not crazy, he has worn you down. I honestly think it’s better to raise a child in a happy healthy home then one where there is abuse. No matter how much you try and protect your children from it all they are very aware of everything that goes on. Get advice and read as much as you can. Take care xx

[Catjam]

Thank you ISO peace, your reply made me cry. I have seen the book by Lundy Bancroft but wasn’t sure it was relevant to me as my girls are all adults. I will certainly have a read though. I have read his other books and also read his blogs. My confidence is low, even to the point where i try to reply to other ladies but start doubting I am giving the right advice so delete it.
I have been in touch with all the relevant companies and let them know of a change in circumstances so hopefully any letters or forms will be sent directly to me as well as him.
I have an important event in a couple of weeks, important only to me and I need to stay focused and work hard to achieve the result I want. He can wait till then as I don’t want the drama ruining this opportunity.

[Catjam]

Thanks Kip. Guess I need to dig deep again. Xx

[Catjam]

How do you become that sort of person? I have always put my girls and him first and have always tried to be fair with people in general. I struggle to be assertive.

[Catjam]

Thank you. Im a little shocked to be fair.

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