Cecile

[Cecile]

No I deleted his details after texting as I remember doing that. I can only hope that this crazy unbelievable issue has a purpose in the long run. I hate hurting people. My heart is breaking.

[Cecile]

Oh no no no,I just looked at a text from a friend and saw I had sent him more texts last night and have no memory whatsoever of this. I remember deleting his number and details to prevent me doing this. It’s too bizarre. I have completely rid the phone of his contact details so it will never happen again. TBH it was not an abusive text but looking for attention but I am so,so so embarrassed. This will stay in my head forever. I do think though that something in my head is warning me about this guy, sabotaging it. Well it sure is over now…..

[Cecile]

Hi Iliketea so sad to read that you have been so low and drained. It sounds like you need some nurturing to restore your batteries. I experienced similar moods over the new year myself and the cold stormy weather made it worse. I go for small “wins” in relation to self nurturing… a bar of chocolate or a radix bath, a walk on my own. Every day I do,at least one small thing to elevate my mood. I also find writing, self counselling, invaluable. It is almost as good as talking to a friend and I have kept up a journal since I planned to leave him. I wouldn’t have got out without doing this. It helped me to express my feelings, and make lists and plans. I also use it to evaluate my progress and pat myself on the back as when you are low it’s easy to be unaware of the successes you have created. It’s so important that you keep posting here for support. It’s like having lots of nice mummies to turn to when things are tough, and the advice and support is amazing.

[Cecile]

Wow it feels so good to be listened to. Just realised he also tends to slide over anything I say that has an emotive or meaningful context and reverts to funny banter that is hilarious but leaves me feeling hurt. He has also been derisive about my experience of having been abused, he made sarcastic jokes.

I see a record of the texts and calls. Tbh I don’t think my phone has been hacked. They’re from me. If I received the texts I would probably think they were from a rabid fourteen year old … just adolescent stuff. Just wondering if one of them hit a nerve with him….

I have no other experience of “blacking out”.

I keep a journal and see that when phoned me and agreed a date, I fell asleep afterwards and woke up screaming for help when I had a nightmare about him. I put it down to my damaged state post abuse but am now wondering if my Mr Brain warning me again about this man.

[Cecile]

Good advice and thanks. I feel I have been manoeuvred into a type of relationship where I am at his disposal but not vice versa. It’s not nice and I would never have envisioned being in one like this. I am clearly still v. Vulnerable post abuse….. has he taken advantage of me? Without too much detail I have apologised profusely, explained why the behaviours were not intentional and why, and that I am in distress, profound anxiety, and need closure. He hasn’t gotten back to me. That’s not very mature is it? There is a thing of male entitlement with him although he would deny it. He has also come out with bigoted remarks that I found shocking in this day and age….I need a good wake up call I think.

[Cecile]

Yes you are right.I don’t want to believe that could be manipulative. The only things I know about him are what he has told me. Even during the last conversation he ended it abruptly because his child entered the room( Lisa pls don’t redact that is a disguised fact but reflects the occurrence). He said he would call me later that evening and hasn’t and days have gone by.

Not having memories of actions is a symptom of trauma and I worked with people in the past who experienced this albeit in many varied ways. It’s also a symptom of extreme stress.

Oh this is a mess that I should never have begun.everything was ticking over.

[Cecile]

Thanks TS that’s just what I needed to hear. He is bloody stressful tbh. I can’t call him, as he doesn’t want his adult children to know he is seeing me. If a friend told me they were in a relationship like this I would tell her she is insane to put up with it. It’s just he has been flooding me with affection and after decades of abuse that is like water in the desert and so addictive. He is like a drug. I feel high, seriously ecstatic, when I am with him and obviously all us abused ladies know that such a feeling not normal in a relationship. When he leaves it’s like being cast out of paradise and tbh he is not that much of a catch on paper. I know rationally I need to back out of it but my heart is galloping away in the distance like a wild horse and won’t obey me. The experience of being loved is so new to me. Or if he doesn’t love me just having his affection and positive regard. To me it feels like love. Oh dear that’s a problem isn’t it. That is an attachment issue on my part, someone mentioned that in a post above.

[Cecile]

Thanks TS I know that this is entirely about my brain trying to protect me. During the day when I get very anxious (and that’s horrible like having knives in the head and stomach) I can calm myself using techniques from a psychologist. The thoughts dissipate quickly and I recover quickly. I have worked out, thanks to posting here and being responded to, that when I am drinking the ability to manage the dark and anxious thoughts disappears. That’s the issue so clearly I will have to separate from my beloved (detail removed by moderator). I don’t drink anything else and don’t find it hard not to drink, it’s a habit I used for self medicating when with the monster. I am just as happy writing or reading or doing yoga. I am building a lovely little business doing something I always wanted to do so I am in a good place. I just can’t let this last terrible terrible thing hurt me..or him..any more. What would we do without this support?
I do need to get a sense of control over this so if he does not respond to me soon to discuss this and help me put the ghosts of the past to sleep, and to understand what happens, then I will just have to end it. It’s too stressful for me, I have lost loads of weight and feel sick in my stomach all the time.

[Cecile]

Thanks so much for all the replies they are a balm to my soul. I defnitly sent the texts and calls….the weird thing is that the texts all have perfect spelling and are well written….normally I don’t do that when texting. I feel so so so so bad, in a very very dark place. I do know that I cannot do any therapy that would go back over the abuse, my mind literally switches off when I am asked about it. Like soap slipping from your hands. TBH he is not entirely blameless but again my mind is very selective. I have caught him out a few times with lies, I don’t know why he does it. Also at the beginning told me he was looking for a loving relationship then a month ago announced he just wanted something casual. I didn’t even know there was such a thing. The sensible voice in my head is telling me it’s too stressful, I am still too vulnerable (although I have improved over the last few years). I asked him to let me know if he wanted to end it as I can cope with that no problem but he won’t speak to me although he is reading my (nice) texts. I feel as if my heart and mind are being twisted and twisted.

[Cecile]

Shelley Elle when I eventually crept away from my abuser at the start of the pandemic it was with the knowledge that he had recovered from something similar and also had a major bereavement that shook the family. But it was life or death for me because he was trying to kill me in ways subtle and not so subtle. If I had stopped to feel guilty I would not be alive today, so at the time I blanked it and focused on getting out. To this day I cannot talk to anybody about how bad this was, my mind won’t go there, but I do occasionally feel grateful that I was able to ignore his personal tragedies in recognition of the vast harm that he was doing to me. I drew on advice from amazing people on this site to get out, but lost all sense of feeling for a time. A therapist later told me that’s because my mind knew I was in great danger, and in fight or flight our emotions stop. Probably helped with not being sucked into his needs. I never ever regret leaving him. I always congratulate myself for being able to over ride my empathy and do it. Illness is not a justification for harming others. Get past his needs and ignore them and put yourself first.

[Cecile]

Ditto to all of the above. Cant recommend enough the access to good health professionals, long walks, keeping a journal. My precious place is coming on this forum for caring advice when my poor abused head can’t think it’s way round problems.

[Cecile]

Coco b you are a true hero. To be able to come on here and share this is a momentous act of bravery, showing just how deep your strength and power are.
I hope the bastard gets what he deserves.
All the advice above is brilliant. Keep posting on here, it helped me to get out and survive.
I had an attempt on my life, he did something to the car. I am lucky to be alive but there was loads more as well. Some poisoning too. What I struggle to understand now is why he did it. I cannot fathom what thoughts went through his head. I cannot understand what it feels like to want to kill some body. I was just a good wife and mother. As you are. I encountered strong female professionals in the police and health service who were absolutely adamant that I was in great danger, and helped me get out. There are so many women both on this forum and in the health and police services who will want to help you. Keep asking for help and advice and look after yourself.xx

[Cecile]

Fantastic advice I am eternally grateful.

[Cecile]

It’s like waking up on another planet when we escape. With no idea how to speak the lingo or know what’s good or bad or how to survive all these new beings that we now have access to.

[Cecile]

Yes I had a horrific pain in my neck and down my arm that was getting worse and worse and was about to go to the doctor. After I posted this today something loosened in my neck with a mighty thwack and it instantly felt better. If that’s not my body telling/warning me then I don’t know what is.I had headaches, back ache, you name it. All gone now this evening. Funnily enough he had some traits that I liked in my ex-partner and stupidly found charming all over again. I just have ‘stupid’ tattooed on my forehead.

[Author]

Posts