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Hi I recently tried emdr and I thought it was amazing! Yes right I have only done it relative to one moment/incident at the moment but I spoke to them about feeder memories and they can do more complex work to identify the feeder memories and then work back up. I loved it as feel I have talked enough about what happened, I know why I feel like I do but I just want to feel better. I really recommend trying it, I am signing up for more!

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That is a really good question what would you do differently. For me I think not have moved in together so quickly so I didn’t feel as stuck, to have kept my job so I felt more secure and independent, not to have let the incidents be swept under the carpet as easily, to have told someone I trusted sooner, to not have taken on his problems as my own, not to have stayed for as many years as I did but one thing I would not change is ending the relationship x

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Hello I think you need to take it in your own time, do you want to tell someone what happened? I didn’t for a long time as I knew if I did I would need to do something about it as it was not right (I knew it was wrong deep down but had made so many excuses in my own mind, but also secretly hoped someone would guess and come and rescue me, it didn’t happen no matter how much I hoped it would). I eventually went to someone I trusted , who I knew was super kind, oddly wasn’t a friend that I see very regularly at all. They were amazing and I took it from there, for me it felt a huge relief to say what had been happening to get the validation that it was wrong that I was not crazy, a failure or anything else. Take it in your own time and when it feels right and you feel you are talking to the right person let it out. Warning some friends do not know how to respond and I think feel guilty they did not know but try to avoid being pulled into this. Wishing you all the best and well done for leaving x

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Hello, I would be careful here in that at the moment you sound as if you may be excusing his behaviour due to him being unwell and not having control during these periods. I don’t know your partner but I had similar outbursts that I thought he had no control of due to his health. I excused it for over a decade, it started to dawn on me that actually yes his health condition can impact moods but not for the duration of time the incident was occurring for etc. I then came up with a new excuse in my mind, his childhood, a bereavement.the list went on and then finally I realised. He never apologised after the incidents ever! Stated I don’t remember it like that or just ignored it ever happened. He had total control of what he was doing. I would expect a caring partner to remove the (detail removed by moderator)! Ideally not do it in the first place but once mentioned should take it down. What does he gain by keeping it up, guilt tripping you, making you feel bad, to stop you questioning his behaviour in the future, to make you change the way you behave…control! My thoughts only but please do not feel you need/can fix him. May have health needs and be unwell but that does not mean someone can’t apologise and mean it, he appears to have no intention of doing this. X

 

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Hello can see you haven’t had a reply yet and couldn’t leave unanswered. I don’t have trigger words as such more situations or looks. So I can feel like I did when something bad happened, normally a precursor to some crazy driving or a long stint of silent treatment. I get anxious like I am in it again. I have had something called emdr it sounds strange if you google it but actually it was amazing!!!! It has not solved all my thoughts and feelings but it has greatly reduced these anxious feelings that take me back to that time. You can get on nhs apparently but lots of private practitioners worth a look!!

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Hello Imagine
I remember your first post and it so great to hear how far you have progressed with this, you are very strong and have taken massive steps which from what you wrote before I think sounded like they needed to be done. You sounded at that time to be very unhappy, you have one life and no one “deserves” to be treated as you were. I think it is very natural to feel guilty at the end of most relationships but especially so when you have been belittled, had your sanity and self worth questioned and made to feel that it is all because of you. You cannot be responsible for someone else’s happiness you sound like a kind and caring person which can totally be our greatest gift but also sadly totally taken advantage of in the wrong hands. Hold strong you have not done anything wrong you cannot stay with someone just to not feel guilty. I don’t know what was in the letter but I also got one (still in the same house and split but got a letter left for me) there were certainly some undertones to it, I did not reply! You will get there I think this is a step lots of people go through I stayed for so long because I was worried about his health, so I also felt guilty when I ended it but it was the right thing to do and you will come out of the other side a happier person and be able to be you!! Wishing you all the best in the world and so pleased to hear your update x

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Hello, there is another post about living with someone you are separated from which may be helpful. I am nearly out of situation but have been living together separated has been some very strange things happen but also at times seeming very reasonable. Bought out a bottle of bubbly to celebrate me getting my new house …. very odd especially when mixed with all the other things that have happened. It’s mind boggling and sounds so weird to even describe to someone else. It sounds to me like it is final attempts at control, to make you doubt yourself, make him seem reasonable to you in ways and also to anyone who didn’t know the situation. What a grown up man wanting to sort the house and then get it sold, shouldn’t move out until done this etc, but then asking you to do anything that might have an emotional come back, talking to children etc. It is control, a game. Let him play it on his own and just hold on to the end outcome you will and are able to get out of this relationship. X

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Also what helped me is I put a very timeline in place. By this date if we are still not making any progress with living situation I am doing such and such. Don’t let it drift use the momentum you have put in place. He will use every trick in the book. Mine had tears, asked to do counselling, then resorted to me owing him tens of thousands of pounds (I don’t). Moving things throughout the day putting my things in piles etc, denied doing it, some uncoinsious episodes in the middle of the night where I had to intervene due to his health. Your eyes are open X

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Hello I feel so much for you. Well done on taking this huge and difficult step. I think my situation was pretty similar and although not a good place to be it was step I feel I needed to to take to move forward and I could not leave the home due to being financially tied. Hang in there are you getting some good support? Somewhere to go when things are mega tense? It sounds like you are starting to question yourself a little. Yes you are likely hyper vigilant to his moods due to the history. I would nearly jump out of my skin or feel physically sick at tiny things I had got so used to being on guard. I struggled but really tried to keep the emotional detachment, look at the list of what has happened, read that aha chapter in any books you have read whenever this happens I found this really helpful to re ground me. Our house is now sold I am in the final stretch, I couldn’t stay in the end. I know you would love to keep the house but as long as you get what you are financially entitled to (get a good solicitor) it may be better to leave and starts new (I am). Is the house worth the battle , your sanity, the tears and fear. You are nearing edger to being out of this situation, it is horrible but doable. Keep going. I am sure he is still playing bully games (mine was) but the difference is you know what he is doing, I imagine it hurts like mad but now you know you can not being roped in. Hold your head up a new exciting future awaits and I am excited for you and your son xx

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Hello I a gree with Camel. I am not sure about your business but with the house if you have a joint mortgage you would be able to force a sale if needed, if he gets the impression you have sought legal advice and you know your rights maybe he will decide splitting the assets out of court is a better option and cheaper in solicitor fees or he holds his ground but you should be able to still force a sale which would at least enable you to move on from living with him.

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Hello

I think what you have described is really concerning. My oh has a health condition, difficult childhood etc and I used it as an excuse for his behaviour for over a decade, please don’t do the same. You cannot fix someone (support yes but they need to do it and take responsibility for when they hurt you). You are not going to make this all better by just loving him that little more etc. Your comment nearly made me cry “ Thinking once he trusts me and knows the person I am it will be better”. You are making his happiness your responsibility, it is not it is his and his alone. I made this mistake. You also said scared to share your feelings, you should not feel that way in a healthy relationship. Sorry if this sounds harsh but a lot of what you have written sounds very familiar. Please remember he is responsible for his happiness and you for yours! X

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I spent a lot of time sitting on the loo and crying, I could lock the door. One incident I remember being in a hotel after a big incident in the car and I sat on that hotel loo for long time, he never asked me anything about it. Out I came and off we trotted to a friends wedding like nothing had happened. So not normal! You will get there, you wait for the big event to say it’s over. I waited as I felt ready and it didn’t come and I just ended it in the end as I felt ready and able. Keep true to you, you are awesome and you have this x

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I have had similar. Separated but living together (house being sold). He used to move everything when I was out and we were together but for a few weeks I noticed things going missing from all over the house, the garden etc. My things were being moved into little piles his into another, he never said anything, then the bins appeared outside the door with the lids left open. Now he often use to “joke” I would find all my belongings in the back garden. He didn’t throw any of my stuff out and I don’t care if he wants his stuff but I felt after (detail removed by moderator) of this that it was not so much about him having his stuff but designed to make me very uncomfortable! Subtle, drip drip. I mean literally everything was split out I could have drawn a line through the house and garden. The placing of the bins I thought was a nice little add on. From when we moved in he made it very clear it was “his” house. Jointly owned and I am currently paying for it!

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I always thought it would happen during an incident but once I got to the point I felt i needed to end the relationship no big incident happened! I just had become so detached that he kind of guessed and similar to eggshells I said it calmly. There were tears after this but it just hit that point and happened. I had support, I had checked the financial situation with the house, I wrote the list of all the concerning behaviour and I read it and read, I read books, wrote on here. I knew I couldn’t feel like this for the rest of my life.

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Hi you will get there with this. There will come a point where you likely feel that being out of this is better than being in it. There will likely be lots of back and forth feeling need to leave but love him. You will know when it is right for you. For me it took years but the signs were there from the start. We have one life! To be in a healthy relationship I think it is important to feel strong on our own first and sometimes to do that we need to trust that we can be on our own and be happy, there are lots of lovely people out there who would not treat you this way. Keep that list safe and add to it, like I said when you are doubting go back to it, one day you will likely say no more this is not right. X

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Hello Cake, I can hear your sadness reading your post. Do please tell someone you are feeling this low, a professional, Samaritans or/and your gp. I know you are the one living this but they will want to help you and this adds to giving you strength. The solicitor may have said you are not entitled to anything relative to the house but I wish they had not just left it there. There will be other things you are entitled to. It is likely going to be tough but I think from what you are describing seeking out some advice could be the best thing that has happened for a while. You will be entitled to some benefits if you are not with him, you will be entitled to make some form of housing application (be honest with housing about the situation). Would you consider a refuge? This would at least enable you to get out and then progress from there. If the kids are looking to move out and working do you think they would want to leave with you? You may be entitled to some help with a rental deposit to go into private rented, particularly if they are working. First Point if you have them are amazing have a look on Google help with abuse but also housing. Could also contact shelter.I don’t want you to feel you are trapped in what you are living now. Can you talk to WA today they will have supported people in similar situations. I know it can feel terrifying but it sounds like you need to get out of this house and there will be a way to do this that is safe x

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Hi cake I think some of the other ladies on here may have some good suggestions. I imagine you feel very stuck at the moment don’t be. It sounds like contacting domestic abuse support for some advice would be good. Start checking what you are entitled to with citizens advice, talk to the local housing office if you have some time without him around check out your options (there will be some), starting to do this may make you feel you are gaining a little control and power here. There will be a way out of this. Do your adult children know what has been happening? Start building and reconnecting with old friends if you feel able. People you would trust. Basically getting the ducks in a row bit by bit. You sound like a very strong lady.. (detail removed by moderator) you can totally do this x

 

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Hi I am going through this. Similarly I am paying for everything he has no money (well he does but not easily accessible) but house in joint names. One main reason I have stayed for years is his health condition. I think you have to be very careful and consider the risks. I was not planning to say anything during lockdown, started talking to close family, friends, I got lots of support in place and they have kept me sane! But it got too difficult not to say anything to him in the end, I had become totally emotionally detached and he guessed. I ended it not after any big incident (which I thought would be the only way I could go through with it). I had just reached the point of I can’t live like this anymore. I felt incredible worried and sick about saying anything but I had told people close to me what was happening and I was lucky they 100% supported me. Living in the house has been very difficult at times. Oddly he had some very strange behaviour a few weeks ago but otherwise it has been “ok” I say that but it’s not enjoyable! I think he has basically discarded me (mentions this in the book). He needs me to pay the mortgage so needs to keep me sweet enough, he has made some outrages claims about me owing him thousands of pounds but I can totally see what he is doing. I feel awful about his health but have basically set him up with what he needs (I can’t go into detail) and left it with him. I have done what I can do and probably way more than I should of, but I know at the end of the day I tried, he is not my responsibility. I felt cold initially but there does come a point! The house is now being sold and actually he has pushed this after I didn’t buckle to me owing him thousands of pounds. It works for me and it puts him in a difficult position but his way of being in control I think but so be it, it will be over soon. I think it can be done if you think you can be safe, if you have good support, somewhere to escape if you need as there is going to be some mind bending behaviour but if it is a step you feel you need to take to get out then it may be right for you although far from ideal! Not sure if helps x

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Just to check were you saying he eats your food without asking? Not sure if that is what you meant. Mine would every meal time grab food off my plate and eat it. On own just very strange but was another thing on a long list I used to have sit with my hand over my plate.. no joke was ridiculous

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Sorry for my awful spelling, the forum does not work well on my phone but hopefully that makes sense x

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Hello, really feeling for you here as many things you describe are things that I started to piece together and gradually built a picture of something that was not right. I felt they were small things at the time but when you write them down (I did like you did you really start to see what is happening) so well done for doing this it will really help as you may need to go back to this list if you start to doubt yourself. Things that match yours ignoring me as punishment, making me feel bad if I cried it if I was physically hurt as if I had inconvenienced him, play joking with things that actually physically hurt, not respecting my things but going nuts if I dare interfere in any tiny way with his belongings (often literally totally moving all furniture while I was out and leaving all of my belongings thrown out on the floor etc for me to tidy up when home from work and then getting annoyed if I was upset as he was doing me a favour!),him saying sorry but you were benign a nightmare etc as his form of apology, will make decision without asking me about the house but I wouldn’t dare, repeatedly doing things I don’t like (I felt ultimately this was to get a reaction and make me anxious and upset). There are many more from your list. Some differences he would clean (as long as it was the bits he wanted to do). I felt I was going crazy but listing really does help. I struggled and still do to call it abuse but I would say it is based on all the reading I have done. Most people do not try and make you uncomfortable, dismiss your feelings, disrespect you and your belongings. You are in the right track here I feel. I have split up, the house is now being sold. It feels like a huge loss at times as all the dreams I had are now nothing but seeing lots of things in the future that I am looking forward to. I think the stage you are at comes as a shock, get talking reading, get some support. Sending you a big hug!! X

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Hi Starsbright, this sounds really difficult. I have had a little bit similar relative to OH having a health condition. I realised I felt incredibly responsible for him and in turn very guilty for ending things and him not having my support. It has been a very painful realisation to totally accept that I am not responsible for him, I would never want something bad to happen to him but you cannot always protect someone and you can’t take responsibility for their life as difficult as it may be. To ease my own anxiety I think I researched loads and basically gave him everything I had found. It was then up to him if he did anything to help himself. You will work this out and what is right for you but there will likely need to be a boundary there where you accept his life is his and yours is yours, you are not a horrible person for letting him find his own way! Not sure if this makes sense x

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Hi unsureginger
Is it your parents can’t have them or would rather not? If rather not do they know what has been happening? If not and you feel comfortable it could be worth saying as I am sure they may review this to make sure you are safe. If not do they have a friend who could have the cats for a little bit? Also as said there will likely be some charities if not who could help for a bit. Really understand not wanting to leave them and sure there is a way here.

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Hi Buddy, well done on starting the counselling you are a head of me. You mentioned the counsellor was trying to unlock with you what had tipped things for you now, it totally depends on the context of your conversation but maybe she meant it can appear black and white about abuse, as in you can say something happened and immediately most people would say that is not right (hence black and white) but when you are in it and living it it never seems that simple, you mentioned she specialises in trauma bonding etc I think maybe she is starting the unlocking that you mentioned rather than saying anything negative about woman’s aid. An abusive relationship when you are in it can feel far from black and white but sometimes when it comes down to it at the bare bones it is as it is wrong. Not sure if it helps but maybe that is where she is heading. Let us know how it goes I am thinking of signing up for some counselling but haven’t got there yet x

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Hi Beautifulday, I think the stage you are at is very difficult. It took me years to work out what was going on, months of being upset, then angry then accepting, then upset and round and round I went. I read and I read, I posted on here to see if I was going mad, I got upset again and angry again. Then I told a friend, my close family and another close friend, I let the cat out of the bag because for me I knew once I said what had really been happening they would help me stay sane and offer me a safe place if I need it. I know not everyone has this but if you do and you feel ready I found this a really important step before I ended the relationship. It helped me deal with using grey rock which I had read up on and then while doing this it enabled me to gain more control over the situation and how I felt. I had no intention of splitting up during lockdown as I was terrified. I think said in another post very similar situation in that I am paying for everything so can’t go. I wanted to be able to end the relationship and run away but I thought about it (as I was not in immediate danger) about got my support in place and then I realised I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was waiting for a big incident to give me a clear reason. It actually happened on a non eventful day and I just realised I was no longer the person I was, I was scared, anxious, nervous and I wanted my life back. It was and is horrible, I don’t recommend it as the first option! But for me as in my head I am not in a relationship anymore even though in the same house I find I can look at the manipulation etc with more open eyes!! I know it still impacts me as do the many many years we have been together but I see it! Our house is now going on the market, I know I will unlikely get anywhere nearly as nice but you know it never really felt like mine anyway, I couldn’t do anything to it and actually you know what I am getting a little bit excited about the future!!! No one can tell you what to do and risk can be different for different people, there was no physical abuse..well if I unpick it there was but it was hugely psychological once I put my ducks in a row the time just came and I am sure this will happen for you too. X

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The sabotaging holidays was one of my many light bulb moments, I couldn’t believe it when I read it in a few books. Every holiday we have had was a total nightmare. The “issues” that caused a massive incident and then always long spells of silent treatment or abandoning me somewhere were so wide and varied I find it hard to even list them. It literally could be anything!! I spent the whole time every time trying to not say, do, look,ask,suggest anything in the hope it would avoid it happening. Always happened no matter what and the last holiday we had we made it to the last 24 hours and I thought to myself, wow.. nope bang out of nowhere (I had been writing everything down by this point) and honestly think he deliberately did something to cause a reaction in me which then led to me apologising and me getting the silent treatment. I think I swore out loud when I read it in the Bancroft book it became oh so clear.

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Oh yes! Totally terrifying. I learnt not to question anything ever when in the car. Happened lots of times, did appear to eventually stop but I think this was more I avoid him driving if at all possible and kept quiet if I was in the car and often pretended to drift asleep if he started doing it. Being scared didn’t stop it closing my eyes I could wish it wasn’t happening and he would eventually get bored I think. Also had when I was driving grabbing at the gear stick, pressing my lights on and off, especially the hazard lights, threatening to beep the horn, taking his seat belt off so the alarm went off all the time. Undoing my seatbelt while I was driving.

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It is a real turning point isn’t it!! Well done! You sound as if you are taking back control of your own life, just like I am doing and slowly getting there. Great post, and keep safe x

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I do also think if you feel ready opening up to the family member that has mentioned they are worried could be good. They sound like they are pretty clued up, not judgemental etc and maybe a form of emotional support. It can be a lot to carry even once out I imagine (I am not totally yet but have needed family support) x

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Hello redgiraffe
I found it a huge relief to let family know. The only thing I think to be aware of is if you are opening up to the family member who is having the problems rather than the family member who is flagging up the issues then they may respond defensively at first, this is if they haven’t got to a point of realising or questioning what is happening. I do think it is the right thing to do though as at some point, if not now, they will question and they will remember other people saying you know this isn’t right what he is doing. I think I am just saying if she acts defensive at first don’t take it all personally look after yourself and now you have done the right thing. I just think how I used to rationalise his behaviour to everyone and told people not to judge him so the reaction you get probably depends where they are at. But I think I wish someone had told me even if I wasn’t ready to hear it. Hope that makes sense! X

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