confusedabouteverything

[confusedabouteverything]

No I never had or seeked counselling. In fact it’s only in recent years that I’ve come to accept the reality that it wasn’t ever really consent to begin with. The more brave women that come out and tell their stories and you read these in the media etc.. that’s when I really started to question about what happened to me and started the thought process of what I had been through.

[confusedabouteverything]

I feel like I can relate to this so much. I have still never told anybody what happened to me. Except one random person on a chat forum years ago, who was the first person to plant the idea of what happened to me was rape. And of course this forum. Like you, I was afraid nobody would believe me, especially as the people who raped me made sure it was common knowledge to all of my friends we had a “good time” before I could speak or talk to any of them. I was ashamed, embarrassed, confused, betrayed, felt dirty and felt like it was my fault. I shouldn’t have encouraged them or now looking back why did I put myself in that position. I convinced myself for years that it was what it was, “a good time” but maybe not so much on my side. But knowing and reading your not alone, I guess can give you some encouragement & knowing that your now seeking help can only give further encouragement & support to myself and others out there reading any of this.

Thank you for your support & response to my thread & sharing a little bit of your story. Maybe one day soon I’ll also take those step forwards in order to heal & seek out a counsellor too. Thank you ❤

[confusedabouteverything]

I guess, deep down everything you’ve said is right. I used to look at other people & could never understand why it would take so long to speak up. Boy, how the tables have turned, now I couldn’t be more sympathetic. Now I can more than understand the fear of coming forward & speaking their truth & seeking the help they need. One word FEAR. Its been more than (detail removed by moderator) since I went through what I did. And it haunts me now more then ever. But hopefully, with the help and support that this forum provides and from people like you as well as others, everytime I post I feel the support and encouragement to take a little more step forwards to heal the wounds deep within. Thank you so much for your kind & encouraging words and sound advice. They say time is a healer & hopefully I can prove that right ❤

[confusedabouteverything]

That’s exactly how I felt right after it happened. I think deep down, I felt it was never right what happened. But soon as it was out there and people knew that we supposedly had this “great night”. I never felt so embarrassed, shamed, dirty and humiliated. Yet it felt better than trying to explain to someone my side of the story and having nobody believe me. I felt like that would be worse if people knew what actually happened and how I felt but didn’t believe. For years I convinced myself it was a great night, that I had a sexual experience that was adventurous, and something I wouldn’t do again but I tried it. It’s only now I’m older more wiser that I question what happened. Yet I still don’t think I’ve processed it, I still can’t accept what it is or to even admit to myself. I’ve never told anybody accept one random person years ago on the internet, who are the one’s who made me question all of it. This is the first time I’m putting this out there for real people to read. I’ve never even told my best friends or family and the thought of them knowing is worse than me knowing. Of course they would support me I know they would, but I don’t think I would ever want them to know. I wouldn’t want them questioning how didn’t they notice, or why they weren’t there for me when I needed them. I guess In some strange way, they were there for me. They treated me normal.

The strange thing in all of this is, I don’t think I ever want to go public with this, I don’t want revenge, I don’t want justice…. I just want clarity and to be able to understand for myself what happened and maybe then I can finally start to accept it. This isn’t about these two guys and what they did it’s about me accepting and realising the truth of what they did and then maybe I won’t be confused anymore…

Thank you for your reply, it means more than you know.

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