Cookerkettle

[Cookerkettle]

Thank you so much. I think when your an adult and it’s a parent it’s very easy to think your alone and that nobody else would be stupid enough to go through this. A million time’s it goes through my head…. your no longer a child, walk away. But it’s so hard. There’s the loyalty that is almost ingrained in you. And the perception that as your parent of course they love you. Well it’s now been the longest I have had no contact with him and I know that’s only because of his bail conditions. But he is still finding a way in. Messages being passed in. And I want to scream at everyone. I was the main target of his abuse, and no matter how much I talk and try there seems no one that can understand the effect he has had on my life. And I hear about how lonely he is and how sad. And how much he loves me. And I’m trying so hard not to let those feelings enter my brain. Just when I think I have my head straight and sorted it all wobbles again. I will have a look at those books. Thank u so much, from the bottom of my heart. I mean that. I’m sorry you went through similar , but the comfort you have given in knowing that it’s not just me, I’m not a fool. Just thank you

[Cookerkettle]

The sad thing is although I’m his child, I’m a fully grown adult. And I’ve let it continue. I saw what he did to my mum and I became his next victim. Alongside her of course. But yet she still puts him first. And now because he is gonna get help, it’s … let’s help him. And I’m frightened , I know I have the police if he comes near me but it doesnt stop the fear. How do u get over the fear? And then there’s the guilt. I feel so guilty. And I know I shouldn’t , and I get cross at myself for allowing it. So many emotions. And I just don’t know how to even begin to sort or make sense of them xx

[Cookerkettle]

Thank you for your response. I seem to remember when I found that strength to reach out last year that you had some very good advice and support. I guess it’s hard even writing this …, my abuser is my Dad. He’s obsessed with me. It’s as simple as that. It’s not natural how he is. And right now I’m angry. I want to be able to make the statement, but it’s like no body else can see the damage he has done, they are all feeling sorry for him, making excuses for him, feeling sorry for hi,. And I want to scream…… what about me!!!!! This is a man who told me what I could wear, watch on T.V, told me constantly that I was a slag and whore, I wasn’t allowed to bath before a certain time, I had to tell who I was messaging if my phone lit up. And that’s before the fear from he’s episodes where he would threaten and intimidate. The 40 phone calls a day, even to my work place. The face time and photograph requests to prove where I was. But he has everyone running around after him and I feel so alone. And I don’t want to sound like I’m having a pity party, but I just want one of these people to say…. you matter x

[Cookerkettle]

Thank you all so much for your lovely and supportive replys. (Detail removed by moderator) I’m finally starting to realise that I do not need to feel ashamed. That this abuse is not actually my fault and nothing that I can change about my behaviour will change him. In my head I’m now coming to terms with leaving and starting again and beginning to make plans to achieve this. I’m not putting pressure on myself with a time limit I just know that I will know when I have the strength to up and go. I have spoken with my Mum about speaking with WA and the options avalible. Initially I got my hopes up as she started speaking as a ‘we’ but then later told me.. if you need to go then just go. Don’t worry what he will do to me. And a light bulb moment told me….. I am on my own and the only person who can change my life is me. I can only be responsible for my actions. Easier said than done but I’m telling myself this as a daily thing and it’s beginning to work. Having the platform to speak and actually have a voice has been a big thing, so thank you all for taking the time x x

 

[Cookerkettle]

The last time it was my brother as my dad was threatening with a knife . Not the first time, but he was so inibrated and took the knife into the public. Police came, but my mum convinced him to hide the knife before they arrived. He manages to get saved every time. Financially both my parents rely on me so really struggle to put money aside. Thank you for listening to me, and not judging. I know I need to go, I know that I actually want a life. I’m the age I am and never had a relationship because he gets jealous and the control steps up a level so easier to just do as he says and keep him happy. But I want to be loved. I don’t want to wake up a dread another day. Or worry what I will face when I get home. Or be scared to tell him no because then I’m blamed for upsetting everyone. But thank you I can’t tell you what it means.

[Cookerkettle]

Thank you both for your responses. I can’t tell you how much it actually means that someone is listening. I just don’t know what to do. The abuse isn’t just emotional, he will at times be inappropriate in his behaviour towards me. I don’t know how I even begin to explain that to somebody. Alcohol I know is not an excuse, it just Ramps up the level of threat and violence. Police have been called numerous times, but nothing ever done. Suppose just a 24 hour break whilst he in the cells. I just want to be happy, I don’t know where to turn, but even having this little voice is I guess showing me that I can do this. My mum won’t leave, I’ve asked her so many times from being preteen. And I guess her not leaving normalised everything and made me believe that I was not worth leaving for. I see now that it was fear. Again thank you both

[Author]

Posts