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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 177 total)
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  • #89759
     Daisy 
    Participant

    Colouring fairy,
    Reading your post and how you feel right now, takes me back and I’m so sorry how many of us have to go through this.
    Hang on in there tight, you won’t always feel so distraught. It does pass , with time, but most of all with gentle care of yourself whilst you process the abuse you have suffered and whilst you heal.
    X x x

  • #75117
     Daisy 
    Participant

    Lozzy, perhaps tell his family you mentioned your concerns based on what he has said, matter of factly , short and sweet and let then take over. I think we can’t be expected to be part of the solution any more. As the others say, it is a tactic often used by abusers, and whether as a ploy, or in some case as the final ultimate abusive act , you need to not to get dragged back in to being responsible for his actions or welfare. If you get a clear direct message, as already posted, just pass this on to the police.they can then start to get him the help he needs or he will be brought up sharp and clear as the manipulator he is. I think, if we are part of the problem , or visa Vera, we can’t get drawn in to being part of the solution.he needs to look to others, not you now for support here
    X x x

  • #72406
     Daisy 
    Participant

    Teabag, your post is so well worded and so honest and in a way you are finding the words regarding what I felt , but couldn’t express back when i’d Left and had the peace and space to think, and out it all poured.
    I’m concerned you feel your life isn’t worth living because of the shame you carry for what he did, and I will repeat that bit -for what he did. I can understand what you say, how you feel , and how you feel you colluded with him, or condoned his behaviour or what ever else you are punishing yourself with because I did that all too but the facts are he is accountable for what he did in his past relationship and to you, and what he goes on to continue doing. You have been a victim here too , Yes we were duped for our trusting and support and a hell of a lot wiser in hindsight but we are kind and supportive by nature and that was taken advantage of. We are human and sometimes don’t judge things right but that doesn’t mean we have to own the blame or shame of others actions ,no experience is wasted if we learn from it, we can’t go back ,only forward.please reread your post as if I was saying this to you, I think you would understand what happens and tell me I was not to blame myself, which is what I say to you
    X x x

  • #72114
     Daisy 
    Participant

    And a big no from me too, he is the last person you need to speak to, he’s the problem, so he’s never going to be part of the solution.
    Post on here, talk it through with safe, trusted people, read up on domestic abuse and it’s effects and save all your questions and care and time and effort for you.
    X x x

  • #71843
     Daisy 
    Participant

    Sounds like you are self doubting,and suffering from low self esteem which is very common after effects of abuse. However from your post you have clearly had to go with your own instincts, that have been spot on,by the way, you have had to cut out certain people who were not good for your recovery and because of that you have made it through and because of all you have done your child is doing well.keep doing it your way,( it shouldn’t be so hard at a time we are not up to dealing with hard though should it)
    X x x

  • #71742
     Daisy 
    Participant

    Beelodge, welcome from me too,
    Yes, I can empathise too
    It’s horrendous the torturous damage these abusers cause and it’s so hard not to feel forever guilty about the causalties and losses in life along the way and there are always those, being separated from your children is the worst ever.
    Although you will still , please try to put aside any feelings of your guilt, regret etc -we do what we have to do to survive at the time and the decision to leave when and how you did wasn’t your action , it was a reaction to how things were for you at that time. It’s a awful thing to have happened to you, you have suffered enough. I agree too that you need to concentrate on you, and slowly slowly get the help and support to make things right for you and your children.hopefully it,s not a case of learning to live without them, more a case of just living without them for now.
    X x x

  • #70724
     Daisy 
    Participant

    I’d get them to fully explain your entitlement so you can understand it or get a welfare agency to look into it for you. There is information online too at turn to us, money advice or the .gov website itself.
    Mistakes can be made so I,d definately keep asking for explanations until you understand what income they have used and that you agree with the amounts of that income used. Have you also checked if you can get help with your council tax or any maintenance payments.
    X x x

  • #70723
     Daisy 
    Participant

    Well done for getting yourself away from his horrendous abuse.
    You now need to hang on in there tight and give yourself some Time in this safe environment rest, build yourself back up and process all you have been through. Without contact from him, you will be able , when you’ve rested , to see things much clearer and to start to think about your needs and future rather than him all consuming your thoughts. Early days, but you,ve already taken a big step forward to the abuse free future you deserve.
    X x x

  • #70722
     Daisy 
    Participant

    If you are the main claimant for ALL YOUR legacy benefits the change is just a household change so I would expect your benefits to continue but may reduce now you are a single claimant not a couple. google universal credit to see the 6 benefits it replaces. if you need to claim any ONE then that’s when I would expect you to have to claim universal credit. There are some good benefits advice sites online. Turn to us is one , and money advice is another.the ogov website is also worth a google
    X x x

  • #70626
     Daisy 
    Participant

    If you are the claimant on a benefit , that will continue. If you are not the main claimant, or he is and you are the partner on his claim then you would have to claim universal credit. So if your name is the main claimant and you receive the money for your job seekers or esa and tax credit and housing benefit, it would be a change of circumstances to current benefit, if partner left but if he is the one claiming and receiving any of the above you would need to claim universal credit x x x

  • #69707
     Daisy 
    Participant

    Stars in darkness, he is responsible and only him, it was his actions and he attacked her not you. We feel guilt because we are so critical of ourselves, some hang on effect of abuse, I think.
    And really and truly, you didn’t do nothing, you reported him when it happened to you and if it didn’t proceed to orocecutiib at that time, it was still on record so you put him on that radar. When he was reported again, well two similar reports , different people, it would have spoke volumes, so you did help, as much as you could , whilst also protecting yourself and your child. X x x

  • #69604
     Daisy 
    Participant

    Letsgetout, stay strong and don’t take that step back, because that’s what it would be and you wouldn’t really be left feeling better after returning because it wouldn’t be real or long lasting. You are worth more than that,you need to remind yourself of all the reasons why you left, and stay strong. He’s just trying to reel you back under his control.
    Sending you strength to help you stay out
    X x x

  • #69324
     Daisy 
    Participant

    Shiny, you are brave, and strong and an inspirational mum who put a stop to‘a hell of a lot’ despite the fear and against the blinkered , blindness shown to you by others. You never felt you were strong enough but we saw your strength, and you did it. Your children are truly blessed with a different much better life now. There will be wobbles and lows, it’s still early days and it’s understandable for you to mourn what you have lost along the way. It is hard to accept and wrong when victims lose their homes and familiarity, their friends and family and the abusers keep that, but it had to be, it’s fight or flight , with flight being the only safe option in extreme cases as yours truly was.you are scarred but you survived. Keep going with the bio oil, the scars and the painful past will fade,it truly will but it does take time. I guess the children have moved on from unicorns and rainbows but I will always remember your inner inspiring strength even when things were so bad. X x x

  • #69302
     Daisy 
    Participant

    Mc, do try speaking to cab or shelter, or a local law centre regarding your current rights to reside. I hope they can support you to be able to provide the info required to be accepted for benefits and therefore funding for your refuge place.
    X x x

  • #69056
     Daisy 
    Participant

    I’ve got to also second that, only give up the job you clearly love if it’s whole heartedly your decision and only yours.
    If you were my friend or family I can only see further isolation and control for you and further worry for your friends and family if you haven’t got that reason To be away from there as now.
    I think if you did open up to your most trusted supporting family member or friend you might be surprised that they do guess more than you think
    X x x

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 177 total)