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    • #104125
      Daisydo
      Participant

      Hi Balloons
      I’ve not been on here for a while, I am in exactly same place as you, feeling really sad that the children are not going to be growing up in a happy family home, doubting my decision, questioning did I do enough, was he really that bad, remembering the good times, the lovely family holidays that we won’t have anymore and I feel so down about it. We had been together a very long time and have been seperated a few months, he eventually left when I found out he had started seeing someone else, that in itself is a hard pill to swallow, I couldn’t believe he had done that, he has not cheated in the past and I suppose after more than a year of me rejecting his advances towards me, what did I expect
      The last few weeks I had decided I was fed up of feeling bitter about things and have been trying to put everything in a happier place, trying to think more positively but now I have found out from eldest child he would like them to meet girlfriend and I am so not ready for that, it hurts in so many ways. Plus I am trying to be respectful towards him and include him in any decision making towards the kids, I still let him come into the family home, etc and I think he should talk to
      me first about these things, not the kids. Not the rest time this sort of thing has happened and then I react badly, not how I want to in front of kids.
      Sorry I havnt answered anything, but it helped me a little to read your post and realise this is all probably part of a process we go through? ?

    • #98623
      Daisydo
      Participant

      Hi. You sound you are in the place I was exactly a year ago, in a very similar surrounding. My OH left for a few days, came back and has sworn I will never make him leave again. We too both own our home. I work part time, more so because we have young children who need taking to school, etc. So 12 months later, after giving up hope that he may leave and do the decent thing of leaving me & the children in the home, we are moving out to a friend’s house. It is half the size of our home but it will be my home, and from there I am hoping to find the strength to start rebuilding and take him to court, if I have too, over the family home. I have got myself a credit card, which I am using for my solicitor. I never thought I would be here, but I am & moving out in a few days so just be prepared to have to take the lead and do it your way, because they will not move. They don’t feel they have done anything wrong to make them give up everything, but we have, because we have made them.into the ar****led they are!!!!
      Be strong, take control, it won’t happen overnight but you will get there, if you are determined. In the meantime, take care, look after yourself and be careful.
      DD xx

    • #98339
      Daisydo
      Participant

      I never applied for an occupation order because I never thought I could prove his actions! He has never been physical towards me but has thrown and punched things, he has been very verbally abusive and controlling. He kept saying he would leave and sometimes he did, but always came back when he wanted. This way, he can’t come back, it’s my home! I was determined I was staying in the family home with the children, but it was never ending. We are staying within the same town, the children can stay at their schools so it’s not too disruptive for them (I hope)
      DDxx

    • #96578
      Daisydo
      Participant

      Me too!! I’m told I am mentally abusing him. He cried in front of me and I didn’t react and I’m the worst person on the earth. How can I treat him so bad after xx amount of years together. He admits to ‘losing his rag a few times but apparently doesn’t deserve how I am treating him! They are all the same, keep a diary, remind yourself who is really to blame when you doubt yourself.
      DDxx

    • #96001
      Daisydo
      Participant

      Kitkat44, I can really relate to your situation.The thing is, they minimalise their behaviour and I have found myself accepting it too but mostly because I can’t handle the confrontation if I challenge it! I very often get that I never support his actions or back him up when it comes to discipline the children, but I have my way off doing it, which does not including yelling or hitting out. Kip is right, we have to stand up to them and get rid, for the sake of the children and so they know what is right or wrong and not follow their behaviour!!
      Keep posting and talking, it really helps.
      DDxx

    • #95987
      Daisydo
      Participant

      I ask myself the same thing frequently but that’s because that’s what he keeps telling me. My OH hasn’t been physical with me, though he has attacked other family members, including our son when he was about (removed by moderator) yrs old. My OH is very aggressive though, throwing and punching things and shouting, impossible to reason with when he is like it. We have been together more than half our lives but over the past decade, each time he has had these outbursts, I would probably have put another slice of distance between us, where it got to the stage of not really wanting to cuddle up to him anymore and sex was once every few weeks and that was only because I felt obliged too and to keep the peace. We are now at separation point and he blames my childhood, my parents and anybody else he can for what has happened to us and says I have mentally abused him and will not believe me when I say it is his actions that have got us to where we are today. I am being unreasonable because I want him to leave the family home, if I am the unhappy one I should leave, like I’m going to leave our children with him!!
      They all work the same way and it’s reading posts on here that make you realise this, I always turn to the forum when I start doubting myself and somewhere, I find reassurance.
      DD xx

    • #95682
      Daisydo
      Participant

      This is so typical of an abuser. My OH has blamed all of his abusive behaviour on me because he says I was not affectionate towards him enough. They are so needie! You don’t want to cuddle up with somebody who can be so horrible.
      Be strong, try to delete the messages before u open them, minimal contact is a must. As for your pregnancy, do what is right for you, don’t let anybody else pressure you into anything. It’s your body, your life and future.
      Keep strong
      DD xx

    • #95646
      Daisydo
      Participant

      Hi Aida. My OH has said he has found somewhere else to live & will leave in a few weeks. He has put me on such a guilt trip, as I have said before. He believes that I started rejecting him before he turned abusive and blames me for his behaviour, when it was obviously has abuse that started me distancing myself from him and losing respect for him. I am always thinking what if I am making a mistake, how will I cope, what if I regret it and want about the children? He is putting the whole separation on me and he has gone on anti-depressants and says how he is going to miss our family and his home he has helped make. But then, I find an old phone of his that still has his messenger on it from his fb account and find he is chatting to a girl at his work, arranging to meet up with her and saying about going out as a group at the end of the month to celebrate our separation!!! I’m so hurt (again) and it just has to confirm that leaving them is absolutely the right thing!
      DD xx

    • #95347
      Daisydo
      Participant

      Hi Aida
      My OH has done the same with our children, he talks to them a out stuff and I have asked him not too because they don’t need the burden of what’s going on in mum & dad’s relationship. He has told them he wants to stay, keep the family unit, mum won’t give us ANOTHER chance for the family, we are all going to be worst off, dad can’t cope living on his own, she needs help & to see a councillor before she blows us all apart. He has said it all and as a mum, it does make you feel really guilty. But all my kids, whose ages range from late teens to toddler, have seen him in his rage, being verbally abusive and they know that’s why mum no longer wants to be with dad. I try to talk to them all, age appropriately, about things, if they ask questions and I believe, they do understand. But they are sad about it, like I am, mourning the husband who could be nice and decent.
      I think you have to keep believing what you are doing is best for your kids and yourself in the long run and stick with that. He has said to me I have built this big wall between us that I won’t let down and he is right and that wall is my belief. He will never accept his behaviour has been wrong, unforgivable, he will always believe that my actions (lack of affection) made him be like he is!
      Keep going, it can be a long road, we are 12 months into this and he still hasn’t moved out, have to keep believing it will be worth it.
      DD xx

    • #95191
      Daisydo
      Participant

      Aida, I’m in exactly the same boat. I have told him I want to seperate and I want him to let me * the children remain in our family home. And I get alot of he doesn’t understand why I don’t give us ANOTHER try for our family after all of these years of being together, why I don’t let down this brick wall I’ve built between us, I am the one mentally abusing him with rejection and treating him worst than any human deserves. Sound familiar? They all.use the same tactics and in the end it’s desperation on their behalf because they are losing control. He had agreed to move out but is finding every excuse not to
      And I’m getting so much guilt thrown at me, they don’t understand it’s their actions that get us to this place! It’s a long road but hopefully we can turn a corner soon.
      DD xx

    • #94949
      Daisydo
      Participant

      Hi Rainydays. I totally get your situation, I had decided January will be when I start my plan. I told him I want us to go to mediators and sort all the finances, house & children out, and he acted shocked. We have had problems for ages, caused by his anger and abusive behaviour, not just just to me but our children and other family members. Then (detail removed by moderator) months ago I told him I had had enough, but he won’t leave and when he did, he came back a fortnight later, saying he was suicidal and on medication and I let him back home, but not back to the bedroom. Now I have told him I want to sort everything out, he says he can’t cope with losing both me and his precious home and it would finish him! He wants me to leave with the (detail removed by moderator) younger children and he stays in the house with the (detail removed by moderator) older ones. But even if I was happy to leave the house, I’m not ok with splitting up or leaving behind (detail removed by moderator) of the kids with him, especially my eldest daughter. It’s not an option. But why should I leave & disrupt the children so he gets to stay. My solicitor has said if it went to court chances are I would get to stay in home until youngest leaves education but he makes me feel responsible for him & such a horrible, heartless human. He blames everything on me. I just wish they would act like decent humans, do what’s right for the children, take responsibility for their actions and why we feel like we do, and do the right thing and leave!! It makes everything so painfull for all involved, when they have done so much damage already.
      DD xx

    • #94581
      Daisydo
      Participant

      Littlepixie, me too! Eldest gone to a party, son in bedroom on ps4, other daughter on her phone in bedroom & youngest in bed with me. He is downstairs, alone watching tv. We’ve not shared a bedroom for (detail removed by moderator) months and that’s fine with me. Just wish he would leave!! Been a rubbish year, roll on 2020, I will not be in this predicament next year, I promise myself. Happy New Year all, take care DD xx

    • #89249
      Daisydo
      Participant

      This sort of behaviour towards our kids has gone in for years, from wrecking things in their bedrooms, calling them names, scaring them in the car by yelling, pinning them up against a wall and throwing their toys etc. I have confronted him about it on many occasions and he either says no man would take that sort of behaviour without losing it or it’s because (detail removed by moderator), which makes him erupt every now & then.
      He has never physically hit me, he has been right up in my face, yelling at me, in front of the kids calling me names. He also throws & punches things, like doors, walls etc, which is all caused by frustration, because of me.
      This has all come to a head this year and I told him I’m no longer living with this behaviour. And even though he has said he has really tried his best over the last few months, he can then still behave like this and I don’t think he has really changed. He says (detail removed by moderator) and should just move on and forget the past things he has done, but I can’t, and he makes me feel guilty about that.
      I just wanted to know if this is what all dad’s can be like, I know mine was a little and my OH plays it down and says any bloke would react like it??
      DD xx

       

    • #89148
      Daisydo
      Participant

      Hi Blahblahblah1234
      You sound as if you are in the exact same place as me!!
      I have been asking him to leave for months now and he left, to give me time, once, but came back after s couple of weeks in tears, threatening suicide & I let him home, not as a couple but in fear the father of My children may do something cos of me.
      I would like to go to a solicitor and start separation but am worried about when that letter comes through to tell him, that’s stopping me more than anything.
      I would get a credit card just to pay for these bills, it would be worth it.
      Have you tried a benefits checker on line, that will also help you know what you are entitled to!
      My OH isn’t violent towards me but is verbally abusive and throws & huts things in front of our children.
      He is now saying let’s go see a marriage councillor but I’m wary in case they don’t understand domestic abuse.
      Keep posting on here, if anything, it makes you realise you are not alone and some great advice is given.
      DD xc

    • #88978
      Daisydo
      Participant

      It’s so disappointing when you can’t speak to your mum about it because she is probably the one person you really want support from.
      My mum thinks my partner is a good person, who has his ‘faults and I should just accept them because that is how she has lived her life with my Dad. And maybe seeing that has made me even more determined that i won’t just make do with that kind of relationship?
      My partner thinks that I have turned against him because I won’t be like my mum and tries to use that against me and as an excuse for his behaviour.
      I don’t talk to her about it anymore and she never asks me and that hurts, but I do have friends who I know do support me like I need them too.
      His mum knows everything and he turns to her as the victim all the time, drives me insane seeing her support him through all of this.
      It is very sad though when you feel let down by your mum, I understand totally.
      DD xx

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