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    • #89560

      Oh my dear lady, please please look for the refuge details on this website. Leave. Just imagine waking up smiling in the morning , free from him. Let the experts at refuge take care of the rest.

      Life is too short to waste.

    • #89559

      What an awesome post. It should be tagged for all to read. Inspiration for all the lassies that need to hear it CAN be done. No matter what HE tells you, you CAN do it.

    • #89558

      You need to sit down and just stop. Breathe. Answer this : what do I want? Do I actually live him? Does he make me happy? You owe nothing to no one. You deserve to wake up feeling happy. Don’t take his nonsense, his taunting, his insults, his guilt trips any more. Enough. C’mon girl, remember the little girl you once we’re and be her again.

    • #89248

      Oh my dear, all I can say is, please, please get out. The life you are leading right now is merely an existence. He doesn’t care about you or any of the kids. You’re all just feeding his insecure need to have control and to make everyone just as pissed off andiserable as he is. Toxic. Poisonous.

      So you have a mum, a sister, a cousin, a friend…anyone you can rely on? My sister saved me, even after years of not having any contact with her…she just KNEW what was going on. There ARE people who really just need to be honest and to ask. Oh you so deserve to smile and be happy. Think hard. And if you’re really stuck the Women’s Aid folk will find you a safe peaceful place to get yourself back again.

    • #86601

      DIY mum,
      I completely understand. I REALLY do. My ex tortured me mentally every day in front of our kids. I actually disappeared, the person in that house was simply a creation for him. The only joy was my two boys. But any interaction was totally controlled by him. I don’t need to tell you about the constant pressure on my head…I lost my mind.i had a gloriously awful mental shutdown…it felt like my head exploded.

      He took pictures of my breakdown. Blackmailed me into signing my boys over to him.

      It has broken my spirit. It has broken my heart. I can’t trust. I still sob… years later. The chance to be a mum was all I ever wanted. And he destroyed that. And continues to throw it in my face.

      We can only pray for their safety, pray that they’ll get the strength & understanding to break away and have a life of their own. I keep in contact with them coz they’re older now, not children anymore, but still dominated by him. I get calls for help from them when he’s bad and I’ve advised them of what to do. I’ve saved money up and they know I can afford to get them away.

      One day….surely good has to win over evil…. It’s my only hope.

      You’re not alone.

    • #79177

      Find a refuge today. He’s already messed up enough of your life. Your child is living in fear. You have a duty to protect her. Money, property and possessions should not even be considerations in your decision. Forget about all the “what if” complex legal stuff…..
      Get away and start again.
      Do you have a friend, relative you can visit that you can ask to do the research about a refuge near you, or even better far from you?? If not,
      go see the church minister on the way to buy groceries….don’t Google it on your phone.he can trace that.
      Think of your child’s happiness and security, she has the right to a good life, and so do you.

    • #76611

      Hiya Jhemoj,

      I know what you’re feeling.
      I’ve been beaten up plently times, been bullied, been petrified, just like you.
      My dad was a violent alcoholic, my husband an evil twisted insecure bully.
      Funny, with my dad I was scared of getting beaten up.
      With my husband I was scared of him killing me. His anger was much more sinister, darker, deeper….He had a baseball bat he kept in the bedroom cupboard with nails sticking out of it. It even had a bloody nickname. A gun under his pillow.

      I don’t know how serious a criminal your ex is.
      I can only put down a few thoughts which might help.

      Think of the positives.
      You have left. You’re OUT!
      You have your children with you.
      You have a loving family.
      You have close good friends.
      The authorities ARE aware of him.

      Now you can think straight.
      You can make a life for yourself.
      All this is GOOD.
      You have a chance to be happy, and to be a good mum.
      Start there.

      If he’s truly dangerous…..ask to go to an anonymous place of safety.

      We’re all here to help you.

    • #76606

      I hope you are okay IWMB.

      I’m glad you are seeing the light – understanding that folk just canny behave like lunatics & get away with it. There should be consequences for actions. Everyone is equally as important as everyone else. (I sound confident now, but for years I was scared and squashed and empty and controlled – I’d watched my dad do it ma mum, and then I took it from my man).

      I just wanna run around now telling all women stuck with bully husbands that it really is possible, you can get out!

      I wish you all of the best

    • #76602

      So cool to hear positive posts….go girls, go!

      At one point we all had hopes & dreams & things that made us smile…. and then, they were torn apart or even completely destroyed.
      We all gave them up. For him. To please him. To stop him being angry or mean.
      That is not the way life should be.
      We are all important, we ARE.
      Try remember the wonderful things your teachers and parents and grandparents and sisters and brothers used to say about you. They weren’t lying. HE is.
      And you know, your kids need you to be THAT person.

      I wish I could pick all of you up and put you in the life you deserve.

    • #76601

      Hi [email protected]

      There’s a certain kind of person who trusts, loves, listens and helps , my psychologist called them ”sponges”. We take on other people’s troubles and try to help, and end up taking on much more than we can handle. People tend to tell us their problems coz they feel we are compassionate, that we won’t hurt them. B

      But the flip side is that we get used, we get hurt, and we’re thought of as weak or soft. Bullies seek our type out as we feed their needs PERFECTLY!

      In a business environment, unfortunately, we’re viewed the same. Bosses & colleagues think we can’t handle leadership or pressure or decisions…..

      It is what it is. SO I tell no one until I HAVE to.

      Work colleagues are not our friends.
      It’s like school….we didn’t like EVERYone in our class, did we?!! Same goes for the office.

    • #76541

      ”forgiveness is compassion for oneself”
      I love that IWMB

      Having a bit of a bad few days …. canny sleep, tummy jumping…..

    • #76172

      Dear Purple Cloud ( and anyone else who just can’t seem to leave)

      When I read all the posts I’m in tears and I get a stress headache because you take me back to ”then”.
      But I wanted to say a few things that might help….things I only realised when they grey hair started to come out of my head….

      What I should’ve said to myself years ago….

      I’m a person who has just as much right to be here and to live as he has.
      I actually would like to wake up every morning smiling.
      I’d like to look in the mirror and smile.
      I don’t mock him, or bully him, or hit him, or make him cry.
      He does that to me.
      He actually IS a bad nasty person.
      WHY am I trying to please him?
      Do I think I’m worth LESS than him?
      Yes I do.
      It’s like I’m a dog that he’s chained up…and he comes along and kicks me every day…….and I take it cos I BELIEVE he’s better than me….and the worst of it is that he NEEDS me to be in that position. Coz it makes him feel better about himself. Like he’s a man and he’s in charge.
      Ask yourself what you want from life. Try to remember what you wanted to be ‘when you grew up’. Try to remember what made you laugh, what made you happy, what you were good at…..
      FREINDS AND FAMILY… if you think they’re going to judge you for leaving, for not being able to make your relationship work, they’re not worth it. Your real true people are the ones who want you to be HAPPY…you know who they are, the ones who have your back. It might only be one person. But I can assure you that they are actually waiting for the day when you come to them and say I’ve had enough of him, I’m leaving. They KNOW what’s happening, even if you haven’t told them.
      There IS somewhere you can go too.
      I know it’s a serious cliché, but you really only have one life. Every day you stay, is a day you have lost. And when you get old (yes, that’s me and my grey hair) you will regret every day you lost.
      When last did you feel giddy with happiness?
      Bugger him, you deserve to giggle, …

    • #76165

      Hiya ladies,
      I’ve read all your thoughts and comments regarding forgiveness. It’s my biggest problem. I just can’t do it. I can’t move on. I’m living a new life now with a new man and our lovely wee child. But my hatred and instability regarding my ‘previous life’ keep coming up and interfering with our happiness.

      My hatred for my ex-husband is vast & deep. He took away the one thing I treasured – being a mum. He knew that was how to break me. and it did.

      It kills me to know he’s living quite happily …all he did was pluck me out of his life and replace me with a new woman. He made sure that his life remained exactly the same – he kept everything….our children, our home, our life. I left with nothing. I lost my MIND. Ended up in someone’s back room with no job no money. It’s called rock bottom. Major breakdown. Still on a LOT of medication just to take me thru every day.

      He callously and calculatingly ripped me to shreds. I was an easy target as I had zero confidence, I’d had lots of abuse as a girl as both my parents were alcoholics – my dad was the one I was scared of who’d beat me up…. Hahah I thought I was better off coz my new husband Didn’t HIT me. Stupid young woman looking for affection. He was charming good-looking cocky….. He made jokes about me all the time, bullied me, made me feel like I was worth shit. I was a bad mother, a bad cook, a crap wife, I was common, I was an embarrassment, I was a flirt, a whore….The number of times I ended up in a ball on the floor in a corner…..hmph… only happiness was my two children…..I got pregnant with a third but he made me have an abortion. Och eventually I just cracked…my head felt like moosh, and I couldn’t breath, I was beggin for help…and you know what the bastard did? he went and fetched his fancy camera and took photos of my breakdown. He used those photos to blackmail me….either I signed the divorce papers giving him everything and custody of our children or he’d show the judge just how nuts and unbalanced I was , and he’d get me declared an unfit mother.

      So I sit with nothing because my father and my husband did a real good job of abusing me. HOW THE F**K am I supposed to forgive them? to move on? to get rid of this black bit in my heart? How do I forgive myself for NOT standing up to them all that time….for indirectly not being there for my children?

      If you met me you would NEVER guess all this was going on inside my head. I’m chirpy, smiley, helpful ….. the meds work very well. But I can feel when the depression is bubbling up to the surface …..and it’s hard to cover it up. But I refuse to let it ruin my life.

      Hopefully writing this here will make you girls and ladies realise that you must not take one bit of cruelty from any man. If they hit you or bully you, THEY DO NOT LOVE YOU. no matter what they say. you are there for a purpose and that’s to make THEM feel powerful. If they can be mean to you , get the hell out. Don’t listen to his soft sweet words of apology. It’s all crap. If he loves you he will treat you nice, respect you and trust you. I know because I now have a man that really loves me. And it is heaven. I didn’t know it was possible and still I worry that I’m gonna wake up and it’s all a dream….and those 2 bastards are standing laughing at me for being so stupid as to think someone would love me…

    • #75546

      Fizzylem… What you described about him getting out of control when he realised I wanted out, rings SO true…. I thought it was because I was suffering from a deep depression and I wasn’t the little blonde cute bubble he’d loved showing off. He’d yell at me for hours on end. I was useless, fat, cheap, common, embarrassing etc… I’d try my very best to not respond, or react… But he’d eventually say something vile that cut me to my core using my deepest fears, and I’d meltdown… Then he’d stop Coz he’d broken me. With that nasty smirk on his face.

    • #75545

      I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to answer me. I agree that I need therapy, I want to be there for all my kids, I don’t want to be a pain in the arse to them. I don’t want my new man to become tired of my baggage… I actually tried through NHS but reached a dead end. Maybe I’ll try again, and also look at the places you spoke of.
      THANK YOU, from
      the bottom of my heart.

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