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    • #108738
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      Oh Eggshells…. It’s always worse for them 😦

    • #108689
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      Thanks all. Glad its not just me (or rather him) if you know what I mean x

      Couldn’t decide if it was me unnecessarily feeling a burden or whether he was making me feel that way….you know what they’re like.

    • #93906
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      Google grey rock it’s a great response. You just minimise any emotional interaction. I found that he came out of it once I had shown that I was getting depressed about it I.e he had control over my emotions…. I now know that this was the worst thing to do as it just reinforced his view that he could control me. If I’d known about grey rock before I would have done that. His behaviour is not your fault, you have done nothing to cause it, it is his choice as he wants to be in control. Don’t give him the satisfaction of thinking he has made you unhappy or anxious/depressed.

    • #93853
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      Hi Rainy days, what you describe could be my life!! I have come to realise, thanks to this forum, that he has been manipulating and controlling me for decades. He too twists everything round to be my fault. Everything I say I don’t like about what he does he says, well you do it too. Messing with my head is what he does all the time, even when he is being Mr nice. I too have spent decades blaming my anxiety and depression on a variety of things and wondering why I can’t just cope like “normal” people but now I understand that it is living with his abuse, belittling, threatening, manipulating…..that is to blame 😟

      He has been trying to be “kind” for the last couple of weeks on the “recommendation” of his counsellor….but as you say his cuddles, stroking and asking for a kiss just creeps me out….although I am making the most of the fact that he’s doing more around the house 😉

      I too have grown up children and have been worried about how they will react if I am the one who leaves/breaks up the relationship. But I hope that, as KIP says they will appreciate a happier, healthier mother and will, in time, come to understand what I have been putting up with and maybe even see me as a role model for strength and the need to value your own happiness and worth.

      I’ve decided I’m going to get through Christmas gre rock, luckily there will be lots of people around who love me, and then carry on planning what I want to do next. I know he will think he’s been trying to be better and save our marriage and if I leave will blame me for not trying, but I have to do what’s best for me now and I know the truth.

      You are not alone and what you are experiencing is abuse. Stay strong and focus on what you know is true and prioritise your own happiness xxx

    • #92782
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      Thank you Blahblahblah. Good luck to you too. Having thought about what happened I’ve rationlised things a bit. I think rather than worrying about whether its fair I need to focus on what I need to be able to live without him and to rebuild my future. I’ll probably get a second opinion and be more prepared.

    • #92546
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      Thank you everyone. Your comments have been a real help. I have been keeping a journal so I suppose that could be evidence of how long it’s been going on and how damaging it has been. I’m going to try and make some recordings too.

    • #92227
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      Thank you everyone! Don’t know what I would do without you xx
      I’m spending a few days at my parents to get a bit of a break and now He’s started love bombing me saying he loves me on the phone, which he almost never does, and sending texts with kisses. So predictable.
      As you say KIP I know the truth and I’m going to hang on to it!!

    • #91857
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      Thank you both so much, I already feel calmer. You are so right.

      Cecile, I’m so sorry you’ve had bad news and so grateful that you took the time to respond and help me. Sending lots of hugs.

      xxx

    • #91709
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      Hi everyone and thank you for your advice. I absolutely agree that our children are not our counsellors and they don’t need to hear all the details. I’m also conscious that I want then to know that their childhoods were as good as they remember and that caring for them was a joy for me.
      They have picked up some of the abuse and understand some of their Dad’s character flaws but I don’t think they would want to hear everything.
      I have told them that I am struggling to stay with him and that the way he treats me is getting worse. They put it down to his depression and/or empty nest syndrome, which is fine. They have both said that it may be the best for us to have a break from each other for a while. They also said they don’t want to talk about it any more apart from letting them know if there are any big changes, like one of us moving out.
      I absolutely agree that blaming and accusing their father would be destructive to our mother child relationship so I will keep information to a minimum. In time I think they will understand more and accept more and may even want to know more but that is up to them to decide.
      Thank you ladies you are a great support xxx

    • #91467
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      Oh freedonfries, sweetheart. This sounds awful. Have you contacted Samaritans, they would be able to talk you through how you are feeling now and help you stay safe. I have called them before and so glad I did. Please keep posting, I’m sure others on here will have good advice. Stay safe lovely xxx

    • #91438
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      Thank you both! I am definitely going through the process of revelation and I’m so thankful to you all for showing me the light. I can’t imagine ever wanting to go back to the way we were, and the more I understand the less I love him. Although I do feel sad about the loss of what could have been and how unnecessary it all is xx

    • #91383
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      Thank you KIP! He’s being all nice now, making coffee for me in the mornings, taking me out for dinner, wanting cuddles….. just like I’ve read in posts on this forum, it’s so predictable, as is the way it makes me feel FOG.

      I have had two sessions of individual counselling and what seems to be coming out is that I need to focus more on my own feelings and desires and less on his. I shouldn’t see him as my responsibility…. whatever I try to do for him will never be enough.

    • #91362
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      Hey freedomfries01 have you heard from her yet? There are loads of possile reasons why she didn’t reply, dont assume she’s ignoring you. If she was that kind of person she wouldnt be running a group to support victims of da. Dont give up xxx

    • #91358
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      Hey bumbum, great name 🙂
      I’m so sorry that you’ve had a terrible experience of abuse. It is absolutely not your fault. From this Forum and reading I have come to realise that we are not responsible for the way other people treat us. Mindfulness and meditation are a brilliant way of refocussing our thoughts. They help you live in the moment. The past is history, the future doesn’t exist yet the only thing that is real is here and now. I find that saying to myself “right here, right now I’m ok” What’s the most loving thing you can do for yourself right now?
      Iwantmeback is right focussing on the things around you, especially nature and truly seeing how beautiful it is really calms the mind and bringsvus back to the present moment. I went on a mindfulness retreat in (detail removed by moderator) and it was life changing. If you can afford it you too couldvfind it really helpful. Stay strong and keep posting xxx

    • #90556
      dancing in the rain
      Participant

      KIP do you think I should see a solicitorI’ve been looking at the citizens advice website and thought I might go and see them

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