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    • #167281
      Darknessallaround
      Participant

      Hi @Chocolatebunnie, I can relate to this.

      Trauma bonded – yes
      Regretted staying – yes
      In therapy – yes

      My therapist said they think it is possible to heal whilst still living in this situation, but it would take longer. It might also be harder to do, because of constantly walking on eggshells at home.

      Breaking the trauma bond cycle is incredibly difficult especially when you are still living in it. Sorry I don’t have any advice for how to deal with this other than leave, which I know from experience can feel impossible. I’ve left more than once and gone back. So no judgement from me (but plenty on myself)…

      Do I regret going back – yes. But the older I get with additional health problems, the harder it is to leave again. It’s partly why I don’t post here very often… I don’t feel I really have the right to support when I don’t feel able to do anything about my own situation.

    • #166927
      Darknessallaround
      Participant

      I just wanted to reach out to say that you are not alone. I get how difficult it is to trust anyone, when your trust in others has been shattered. There is absolutely nothing to be sorry for. When you live in an abusive situation it makes you retreat from the world. You doubt everything and everyone. Please do keep reaching out and sharing as much as you feel comfortable with. Everybody here will understand.

    • #166926
      Darknessallaround
      Participant

      For decades I’ve experienced him not respecting my boundaries, either sexually or generally. Vile words or thunderous moods or silent treatment on the rare occasions I dare to refuse or disagree with him.
      In later years as his health has declined, the coercion is more mental than physical. In some ways that to me feels more difficult to deal with.

    • #165662
      Darknessallaround
      Participant

      I think I get this @Secret6.

      I have 2 friends whom I never see or speak to. I don’t have any family. He’s here with me 24/7 I’m never alone long enough to be able to have a private phone call.

      The only thing I can think of to suggest, is maybe trying the online chat here if you have access to a computer or mobile and can use it and keep it private.

      I’m not sure it’s that we’re not believed, just that it’s difficult to imagine how a person can be so totally isolated. I would never have believed it myself if it hadn’t happened to me.

      Please reach out if you want to talk here or pm.

    • #164795
      Darknessallaround
      Participant

      I’m in a similar position. I have a couple of friends whom I never see, and no family at all. Just him.
      I can definitely relate to all the comments here.
      No longer know who I am or what I want. Feel like my opinions don’t matter because he’ll do whatever he wants anyway. Easier go along with it to keep the peace.
      Dying inside…. Feel like I’m already dead, emotionally at least, just waiting for the body to catch up.

    • #164115
      Darknessallaround
      Participant

      “Does anyone else feel overwelmed at the thought of whats next?”

      Omg yes! I think ‘how am I going to cope with possibly another 20+ years of this….?’

      Sorry I don’t have any answers @nbumblebee, I’m still trying to figure it out myself, but I wanted you to know you had been heard. I’ve been here on and off for years too.

      Navigating an emotionally manipulative relationship (I don’t like the A word either) is a process, and it’s not linear. Some days we understand it a lot better and think we’ve got it straight in our head, but other days it’s all confusion, pain and overwhelm, and we’re back to square one.

    • #161899
      Darknessallaround
      Participant

      @thelastoftheswallows can so relate to this.
      Walking on eggshells….The verbal rages…. Accusations of doing or saying things just to annoy him…. Making phone calls and appointments on his behalf. Running around doing errands (doing everything actually)…. The permission thing to be able to go anywhere… Nothing ever being good enough.
      Sorry no advice, just wanted you to know you are heard and understood. Except that maybe next time you visit your family, just don’t go back.

    • #161898
      Darknessallaround
      Participant

      Yes, totally relate to everything you’ve said @Chocolatebunnie, especially the spells of everything being okay and then without warning, everything changes and suddenly you are in the middle of a whirlwind of abusive language and behaviour.
      My experience is that he’s got worse since getting older. If he’d mellowed it would be easier to cope with. But that’s just my experience, hopefully yours will be different.

    • #161675
      Darknessallaround
      Participant

      Hi, it’s great that you’ve begun to understand how complex emotional abuse is. If you google ‘trauma bonding’, that will give you some insight into why you know this relationship is bad for you, yet you still feel pulled towards him.

      In the cold light of day, you know that you don’t want to return, because his behaviour will not change, whatever promises he makes. Once you are back in the family home again he will revert to his old ways and it will be even more difficult to leave again (I speak from experience here). You know that you have been happier and more like your old self since leaving and reconnecting with your family. Now imagine losing that again…. what does it feel like (you don’t need to answer, just think about how it would make you feel).

      There are many therapists who specialise in abuse/trauma counselling; the Counselling Directory is a good place to start, or get in touch with Women’s Aid helpline and get some support from them. They will never tell you what to do, but are experienced in being able to point you in the right direction.

      I hope this is of some help.

    • #161672
      Darknessallaround
      Participant

      Hi @Toffeeapple, I’m sorry the first person you reached out to didn’t get back to you.
      If you google Counselling Directory – you can filter by area, cost, type of therapy, concessions etc – you can make initial contact by an online form or phone the therapist direct (most give a contact number).
      Hope that helps.

    • #160762
      Darknessallaround
      Participant

      You never could be a rotten person @nbumblebee, so please stop with the self flagellation. It’s only natural to feel sad that your friends attention is now focused on pressing issues in her own life. But that doesn’t make you a bad person. You find it hard to reach out to anyone and let them know the truth of how things really are, so it’s totally understandable that you are feeling let down. You have been and still are, there for your friend, and I’m sure in time, she will still be there for you. It’s just circumstances and bad timing.
      Please give yourself a break.

    • #159374
      Darknessallaround
      Participant

      Silent treatment feels like one of the worst psychological punishments, because usually we have no idea what we ‘did wrong’, and have to guess / beg / plead in order to try and put things right again. Except there is no putting things right. The rules change and the goalposts move and we have no idea how, when or why. Usually it’s ‘just because’.

      Although difficult to implement at first, one of the reasonably effective ways of dealing with it is not to engage with their mind games. Easier said than done I know. Try to think of the silent time as me-time. Do stuff just for you if you can. After all, if he isn’t speaking to you, he can hardly object to whatever it is you are focusing your attention on.

    • #159373
      Darknessallaround
      Participant

      @nbumblebee – just because you haven’t left, it doesn’t mean you aren’t a survivor. It takes strength and courage and resilience to stay in and put up with, an unhealthy relationship. From that perspective, we are all survivors.

    • #158706
      Darknessallaround
      Participant

      @Galabeee, Counselling can work, but not couples counselling… They are trained to see a situation from both sides and you will always end up feeling invalidated and second guessing yourself. Please see an individual therapist, preferably one who is experienced in abuse / trauma work.

    • #158444
      Darknessallaround
      Participant

      @nbumblebee, as others here have said, if you give in to him on this, things may be ok for a while, but then he will find something else to berate you for. Little by little you will give up all the things you love until your life is solely focused around him…. and you know what, it still won’t be enough.

      I can relate to being in freeze mode. Sometimes it’s easier to just give in rather than have yet another row, but you will end up hating yourself for it. No matter how much we give, they will always take more and more. Even when there’s nothing left.

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