Forum Replies Created
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AuthorPosts
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16th April 2024 at 11:12 pm #167922
Decagon
ParticipantThings cand and DO get better, I was in a similar situation,it was everything you described, but slowly, step by tiny step, we found our way, and everything was so much less scary without him, than with – distance 3 figures away, rural to city life, uprooted everything and decided – this is my new start, we are going to get used to this, make it work, no return.
Dealing with feelings, as they are there, is important – did know until much, much later – they don’t go away, they reappear, much later, out of context, and disjointed.
Lisa is right, it is a grief and big loss, step by step, you will get through this, there is much happiness awaiting you, be gentle and kind to your self, take the happy times, when they happen and run with them, healing hugs xxx
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16th April 2024 at 11:01 pm #167921
Decagon
ParticipantSadly, again, no quick fix, talking therapies, counselling, patience, kindness towards your self, time, doing little things that make you happy – all help.
I am trying – EMDR – it is challenging, and taking time, but I am learning to feel safe with my counselor, exploring the trauma, unpicking it and taking things at my pace, finding new depths is challenging, but it is slowly, slowly begining to work.
It is a journey, taken step by step, and it is doable.
Good luck, it is worth the time and effort, to re find and love the person you are/were, before the abuser did the damage.
Sending healing hugs xx
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3rd September 2023 at 8:43 am #161425
Decagon
ParticipantI think feeling worse happens, it might not strike immediately, but strike it does, it is a shock when it does.
Do you have some support? From a MH worker, GP, social services, a good friend?
While this feeling surrounds you, try and remember why you left, and writing a list of why you left sounds like a great plan.
Not sure when it will pass, but as you clearly state – it is raw, all wounds are, take time, all things heal, you will be ok.
Stay strong, you got this xxx
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3rd September 2023 at 8:31 am #161424
Decagon
ParticipantThis time of calm with your abusers, is the dream they sell you, the dream they know you desperately want. I have no idea why they can’t just be this way all the time……..but they can’t, because it is not their truth!!
It is exceptionally confusing, feels far more unnerving, scary than the yelling and screaming they do. I think this is because we are constantly waiting for the mask to fall away, and the angry, vicious, reality to return. Usually without warning, or reason. He just is.
Stay strong, hold onto the thought –
I am doing the right thing.
It is the on phrase that powered by ability to both leave, and then stay away.
In my case, and more than likely many others, no, they don’t change. Sorry ladies, they don’t.
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24th August 2023 at 5:40 pm #161197
Decagon
ParticipantShip of fools,
I left with my 4 kids, just before the eldest (detail removed by Moderator) were in their teens, it was SO hard to explain why we hoped and left, one day after they finished school, without saying goodbye.
The middle 2, were the most directly affected, and desperately wanted to live with him. They were adamant. I didn’t stop them from seeing him, but the courts did. Due the way he was treating my eldest, and what he was texting her. (She changed her number, numerous times, but the younger 2 gave it too him)
I made them stay with me, until the took their GCSE’s, and as promised, I bought open ended train tickets, on the day after their last exam.
Giving them money, the tickets with the advice – don’t let your dad see the money, it is yours. Choose what your next steps are, and my door is always open for you to return.
I waved them off, (detail removed by Moderator), leaving them to make their own choices and opinions about him.
They had had spent (detail removed by Moderator) years, and (detail removed by Moderator) years with me as their sole parent. He lasted less than (detail removed by Moderator) months in the eldest of the 2, before his choice was made to return. The next one got to (detail removed by Moderator) months, before returning.
They were far better behaved upon return, the youngest lasted less than (detail removed by Moderator), before it went tits up!
The 3 eldest are now in their 20’s, eldest has totally disowned him, to the point he has no idea his 2nd grandchild exists, the next eldest only phones to when he feels guilty, the 3rd, is very quick to defend him, but doesn’t phone him, as far as I am aware. The youngest, phones him every month or so. She always talks to me, and likes me go listen so she can ask me about it.
Interestingly, about 6 months ago, my second child apologized for his behaviour, and told me his dad actively encouraged him to misbehave, to make sure we returned to him!! Then added I was not as naughty as my younger sister!!!
I responded, no, BUT your tactics weren’t working, is she going to up the game, and be worse. So I blame neither of you, you thought you doing the right things.
I have left it open for them to discus with me if they wish.
Good luck
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24th August 2023 at 7:16 am #161172
Decagon
ParticipantCapevarde,
I wish I knew the answer, he has returned, with a vengeance, and is following me, I am trying to find a solution to this.
Turning off the lights, sadly 🤔doesn’t work, it just makes him darker and even more menacing😖😓
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24th August 2023 at 7:11 am #161170
Decagon
ParticipantDitto all the above comments, my ex engaged, “changed” his behaviour, tried AA – not for him, made him want to drink more, he could stop when he chose, he liked the taste, alcohol had no bad side effects, he wasn’t an alcoholic (long list of reasons why not).
He stopped going to the pub
He went to bed, when he felt – too angry, to stop arguments – ie, before getting to the point of throwing things, or threatening to hit me, he would cause a huge row, then sling off to bed about 4pm, leaving everyone crying/mad/angry, do nothing to help, 4 very young kids, then at bed time demand silence, yell at the kids, (it was not his fault the door was open, he wanted it that way, close it, turned to a him yelling at me, and blaming me, for not keeping 4 kids quiet!)He changed his behaviour, but it was not fixed! It just changed dynamics, he was in more = more arguments and tension.
He drank more, had no “friends” to drink with or chat too
Wanted me have a drink with him at 2 pm,getting more persuasive as time got closer to 6pm, by the time all jobs were done, and I could partake, a little – all drink was gone anyway, because I was too slow, and should have had it much earlier…..Anyway – upshot, no they only adapt, to keep you sweet, appear to be doing a great job – on the surface, but no real changes happen.
I watched his behaviour, without comment, to really assess what had changed, was it better, similar or worse? Sadly the latter, was often the right option.
Be strong, and use the help to help you choose the right option for you and your children. They have no choices, but you do xxxx
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24th August 2023 at 6:52 am #161169
Decagon
ParticipantYou are not taking any more of less space than you need.
These are not little things, these are huge amounts of things, that are eating you up inside, causing panic, sleeplessness, fear, eggshells, disruption, all because a spoilt baby can’t have his own way, so has to make you feel terrible……
These ‘little things’, all add up to make a picture of massive things.
Reread what you have written, and pretend it is your best friend say this to you, and have a rethink, please.
You have the brain power to suss what is best for you and your teen, they always need their mum’s, whether they admit it or not is a different thing, I have (detail removed by Moderator) year olds, and one teen left! These years are far from easy.
Your teen may also be finding this very difficult to watch his mum go through this, he will aware of much more than you realize, I have been really shocked, and upset by what my older children keep revealing to me, yes, they knew way more than I ever thought, and some of it is heartbreaking.
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24th August 2023 at 6:43 am #161168
Decagon
ParticipantHe sounds like a dangerous man, well done for blocking him, keep it that way.
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24th August 2023 at 6:41 am #161167
Decagon
ParticipantPineapple,
As weather said, be careful how you store these proofs, they will be important, and can sometimes be used as a blame the victim. I found a mixed response, but was very fortunate to have some really good support too.
Sending emails to yourself is an excellent plan. Do you have a sibling, or parent or guardian whom you could send things too? Or keep things like yours and your children’s birth certificates, and other documents? In case you need to leave.
You are not to blame, these people will do anything to maintain the persona of nicest person on the planet, or sanest! My ex still believes I made it all up, and left for no good reasons.
Sending hugs and love your way, stay strong, and follow what your heart/gut is telling you.
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21st August 2023 at 1:23 am #161044
Decagon
ParticipantDistraught,
Stay strong, stay blocked, as Watersprite says – you definitely dodged a bullet there.
The right one for you, is waiting for you to be healed, and will appear when you least expect it.
Congratulations on not staying with him, thinking/hoping he will improve, if he is this abusive so quickly, and in public, I dread to think how much worse he could be.
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19th August 2023 at 9:17 pm #161002
Decagon
Participantbumblebee,
One day, you will just decide – no more, I am through with this.
Until that day comes, just remember what he said.
I have been told to keep a diary, of dates, times and what happened, as a form of proof, don’t make it obvious, it might help in the future choices, or it may not.
The bad times are aftermath, it remains until you are able to fully deal with it.
Take care, xx
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19th August 2023 at 9:14 am #160967
Decagon
ParticipantSelfish,
The choice to leave is yours, the choice to stay is yours.
It is so hard to separate what is best for you all.
My children initially didn’t thank me, it was tough, but the knowledge of – no eggshells, no monitoring emotion, or trying to predict his mood, no tiptoeing around trying not to annoy him…….
All that gone, in a flash.
Better sleep, weird noise in my home – which turned out to be laughter! Had completely forgotten children need to laugh, play, be tearful etcI held on to the fact – I had to go.
No reason why, no more emotion to that, no more if an explanation than that.
I hear my self in your words, it makes me sad.
For me, I know I should have stayed away the first time I left, but a million reasons later, I was back, trapped, wondering what happened, lots of robotic years passed, and because I warned him 3 strikes, you are out, no matter the reason I leave, I will not return.
I have never regretted leaving, the kids (adult kids now!) are begining to thank me now.
Take your time, you know the reasons, choosing to leave, for me was the hardest thing, once I left, it was easier than staying – challenges, rows, tough and hard work, but all easier than staying with him!
Take care, be kind to you xx
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19th August 2023 at 8:54 am #160963
Decagon
Participantbumblebee,
This definitely not right…….if he loved you, he would not demand in this way, he is more than able to relieve himself, if he so wishes!My ex never used the term rape, he cried when I told him he raped me more than once.
The first time, was a huge shock, (detail removed by Moderator), and he was upset, turning to angry, because we hadn’t had sex in over (detail removed by Moderator) weeks……
He caught me, when extremely exhausted, had his way, rolled off, thanked me and was snoring, almost immediately…..
Meanwhile, I was left shocked, stunned and (detail removed by Moderator)…….
At our routine (detail removed by Moderator) check, I had to answer about sex life – is everything normal? Well, what could I say? Yes, but it was rape? No, he raped me? Or, as I chose, yes, everything is fine!
Which left years of vacant, just don’t say no. There is no point.
In the end, before leaving, his touch repulsed me, but I couldn’t understand why, I had irradiated it from my mind, the final time, after deciding to voice my no, he ramped it up a fair few notches – leaving a come on line, from me, as I lay down on the bed – (detail removed by Moderator)…….Everything described above, on all posts, is a form of rape, sadly they only think of themselves.
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18th August 2023 at 10:58 am #160931
Decagon
ParticipantCheesywotsist,
Sorry to reiterate what everyone else is saying, but this IS abuse, on so many levels.
I left, strangely, the final straw was something I thought was tiny, in compression to other things. But from my new perspective – it wasn’t small.
I stayed early in the relationship, for my kids, but much later down the line, I left to protect them. Now they are adults, 2 of them have personally thanked me, immediately putting all the fears comfy in their bed.
Deep down, it was what kept me away, and no it was not easy, but it was worth everything. I wish I had left so much sooner, and stuck with that choice, but hindsight is 20/20!
The most empowering thing, which I couldn’t understand, is the choice you make!!
I say this, because atm, he is making ALL the choices for you.
Good luck and hugs, love and peace in your choices.
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17th August 2023 at 12:16 am #160869
Decagon
ParticipantThe future happens, day by day, you find it, sometimes by accident, sometimes by a smile, or an item given or one seen.
It takes time to see, and the – you can’t do it without me! – you CAN, you already are, and each day, that becomes less and less true, because he is not dragging you down.
I know, because I was told the SAME thing!! It is not true, in way, shape or form for you too.
I hope your situation has improved a little for you now, one step at a time, one day at a time, and the journey will continue, sometimes we have to stop, and observe the scenery, and the path we have trodden, to start again, to go where we fancy.
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17th August 2023 at 12:09 am #160867
Decagon
ParticipantHi Godisincontrol,
So sorry you feel the need, have gotten to this point, where you feel so unsafe. Listen to your inner voice, it is never wrong.
It was the best decision I made for both my children, and my self. It was the hardest decision I had to make! I left (removed by moderator) times, before the making the (removed by moderator) on our final leaving, there were nearly (removed by moderator) years, over which this happened,it got harder each time, in hind sight, I should never have returned for the (removed by moderator) attempt! But hindsight, is 20/20.
It was far, far from easy the last time – kids approaching teens – really not great timing, but (removed by moderator) years down the line, the eldest 2 have thanked me and apologised for their behaviour!
This was the singular most rewarding moment, and all the anguish, pain and disagreements became worth it, the heartbreaks come when they tell me what happened, before we left, while I was at work………
There are many experiences, help available, and support too. The freedom project, helped me immensely in the early years, giving hope, acknowledgement, understanding, care, laughter and knowledge, with a cup of tea and toast!
Only you can make the choice, I understand now why, but at the time, I didn’t. It was simply the first true, self made choice, only mine, not pushed by him, and only encouraged by others
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15th August 2023 at 9:48 pm #160812
Decagon
ParticipantHi maddog,
Sadly, our bodies are available, when your abuser is next to you. Even when we “should” be safe, we are not.
I too was not aware of the inadvertant danger, as I believed – no, he wouldn’t? Would he?
It took many, many years before I truly acknowledged what had happened, the first time, I totally deleted it from conscious memory.He took the simple word – no – from any situation. From the bedroom, it was the hardest place to understand, but it spread to all over areas.
Good luck, and take care. I hope you find peace with yourself.
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11th August 2023 at 6:55 pm #160705
Decagon
ParticipantHuge (((((hug)))))) to you 🤗
It is tough, when triggers happen, he is never going to change, so accept this.
You have made your own life, away from him.
Our job, after leaving, is to live our life to the fullest, doing whatever we feel like doing.
Dipping in and out of the stress, is normal – for me anyway – it will get better, dealing with these feelings as they arise maybe the best solution. Be kind to your self.
Take care, and I LOVE the toilet cleaning analogy, I will use this one, when I have bad days!! Thank you for sharing. 🤣😂🤣
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6th July 2023 at 1:57 am #159685
Decagon
ParticipantLeaving – the hardest thing to choose to do.
Staying – the hardest thing to choose to do.
I stayed for years and years, experiencing all the changes, death threats at the worst, to you are universe at best, and every emotion in between. Sporadic physical abuse, some without warning, some from children’s actions beyond anyone’s control (crying/laughing at wrong times), others because I had broken a rule – argued back or defended children.
Verbally aggressive – pretty much daily, for any reason whatsoever ever.
I planned, mentally envisioning leaving, planning on my head, visualizing situations, scenario’s and writing pro’s and cons of staying, and going, to have a visual reference point, as I felt far to numb, confused, emotionally stretched – full time job, 4 kids, no support of any kind from him. Mentally and physically on a neverending tread mill, that was too fast to get off!
I had 2 very close friends, and a teacher I could talk too, to decide and help with that side of things, eventually, I knew I was ready, had to go, before one of us was dead, and the kids were orphaned.
Once I had my paperwork spirted away, had packed a couple of days clothes, for each of us, to the same safe house, I sent them to school, and left, picking them all up early, and left with our a backward glance.
It was my 3rd and final attempt, the previous 2, had failed, BUT, prepared me, so I had an inkling of what to expect.
Have regretted nothing about leaving, and no, not easy, but SO much better than with him!
A decade away, and the long term goals for the children are happening, they have started thanking me, individually, in their own way, for me leaving – this was definitely not the case in the early days!!
Good luck, you will know when your time is, it was the best and most difficult thing I ever did.
A whole new, quiet, safe, balanced, peaceful, unrestricted and choice filled future is awaiting you, take the leap of faith and spread your wings, you got this.
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5th July 2023 at 12:50 am #159656
Decagon
ParticipantYes, definitely, was with my now ex, for (detail removed by moderator) before I finally left, with our children – during a nice phase, which was outward to the world, but quietly, dangerously brooding, while in the house together, when children were out of the house.
We left (detail removed by moderator) and even now, I struggle to comprehend his outlook.
He now has a new partner, (detail removed by moderator) he is treating her the same, as he did me. I can her the same sentences/conversations, we had. Along with a new perspective of distance/time away, (detail removed by moderator)
They believe they are right, see no issues in their behaviours, therefore, they are unable to change it, not because they can’t, but because they don’t want too.
Before we left, he gave a whole range of – good, bad, evil, ugly, loving, happy, fierce, cheerful, threatening, suicidal, quiet or nasty.
It took me years of watching, carefully for patterns and trying to unravel truth, lies, anger and blame to find a truth. It was never what I thought – all my fault – it was, I left, once I understood I could only control my own thoughts, emotions and actions. Not his, I was not responsible for his emotions, any of them.
Leaving was the hardest part for me, but once the courage was found, and choice made, it was easy.
Discovering those things, was not easy, explaining, also was hard, as it felt like trying to catch smoke!
If the things my children now tell me, about how he was with them, had been known, at the time – some are horrid – throwing chairs around, screaming at them, yelling, threatening them with violence – not acting on it…….
They have started thanking me, for leaving when I did, after giving years of hell!
Sending love, I hope things remained calm, and stable.
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4th July 2023 at 12:10 pm #159636
Decagon
ParticipantThis sounds like my story, so much the same. It is heart breaking to read about your life, and the damage is does is massive…….
You are not to blame,
You are not to blame,
You are not to blame,
You are not to blame,
You are not to blame,
You are not to blame,This is my message to you.ADHD or not, You are not to blame,again,
You are not to blame, he is choosing what to say, and You are not to blame,he is choosing how to harm you,
You are not to blame.It took me many years, and a lot of tears, heartbreak, escalations and a few attempts to find the courage to go.
I realised, after leaving, just how much damage he inflicted on me and our children. I could not see any of it while in, but knew it was wrong.
The decision to stay is yours, I totally understand this point, it is so scary the thought of leaving.
The decision to leave is yours, I don’t regret leaving, it was the best choice I made. Because I made it, for myself, and my children.
It is daunting, but so is staying, it took me time to evaluate the pros and cons of both, and I planned, made lists so I could visualize what was going on, it made me really – see – what was happening.
Sending love and hugs,
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4th July 2023 at 7:44 am #159627
Decagon
ParticipantJust stuck,
The phrase that leaps of the screen – he is unpredictable – is yelling at me do not try and discuss this with him………….You have said – he can be, occasionally violent – this might be *just* one of “those” times, and because you will be breaking a cardinal rule, it will possibly esculate, far more rapidly than you can imagine.
You are scared of him – this is a very real instinct, and the one which is telling *your* truth, the one which he hasn’t told, nagged, shouted, bullied, pleased at you,it is your genuine feeling, and can be trusted.
Personally, I tried to leave twice before making a 3rd and final attempt. I have children, so it was different, but your dogs, are your fur babies, so it is not so different.
There was no discussion, just quiet prep, beforehand – document collecting, bills paid up, clothes spirited away etc, so when I felt ready to go, I did. I just disappeared – he was furious, each time, and I am really glad I didn’t attempt to discuss with him. I did tell him, in numerous rows, beforehand, over years, that I wasn’t happy, and his drinking needed to be addressed. But not addressed, before we left.
For me, personally, the thought of leaving, was worse than the actual going. The relief was instantaneous, as Hereforhelp has said, friends and family are helpful, for me they were my sanity, and solicitors were also needed, to sort financial and family issues.
Good luck, and much love in your quest for the peace and happiness you rightly deserve.
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4th July 2023 at 7:26 am #159626
Decagon
ParticipantHi Purplecupcake,
As Marmalade, and tiredofitall have said, it is very difficult to know how to proceed, my ex was very unpredictable, and even at his worst, I didn’t report him to the police.
He was mentally abusive – pretty much daily, threatening, bullying, physically – rarely, and sexually.
I did report him, just as we were leaving, and I found the police listened, but had not enough evidence, as most of it was in the past, and I had no details.
The advice was keep a record of what happened, so I could build a case.
Once I finally left, with our children, he was a nightmare, and I did report him, take him to court and got a restraining order. For my self, his behaviour towards our eldest 2, caused him to lose parental control/rights.
A lot of years down the line, most of our children choose not to engage with him, one has totally cut all ties, 2 phone out of care/thoughtfulness, one defends him, but doesn’t call him.
It is a choice only you can make, but it is your choice.
Good luck, which ever path you choose.
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