Forum Replies Created

Viewing 10 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #29359
      determined survivor
      Participant

      I experienced emotional abuse and stalking. I read Stay by Deb Caletti, and it really resonated with me. It helped me see that the way I was thinking and feeling in the aftermath was “normal.” I needed that affirmation. I have been looking for fiction books about abuse as well. I searched books about abuse, and came up with a lot. I read summaries and marked the ones that I thought I would like to read. I’m still working through the list.

    • #13371
      determined survivor
      Participant

      I started feeling better after I was sure the no contact was going to work this time. I had tried to go with no contact before, but he always found a way to contact me. I had given up hope that he would actually leave me alone, even after this last way of no contact, but this time it is finally working. Until recently, I didn’t believe it was going to work but it has. I’m starting to feel better now that I know he is actually going to leave me alone, which is what I wanted all along.

    • #12153
      determined survivor
      Participant

      My abuser excessively contacted me when I had made it clear that I didn’t want contact with him. It was hindering my recovery, and I had to get a court order to tell him not to contact me. Just because it isn’t physical, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t qualify as domestic violence. My abuser never harmed me physically, but he verbally and emotionally abused me every chance he got towards the end of our relationship. Cutting all contact is hard, but it is worth it.

    • #12047
      determined survivor
      Participant

      Pinkbottletop,

      I stayed in contact with my abuser long after I should have simply because I knew his mindset based on the messages he sent me, and the number of messages in a certain amount of time. I didn’t realize until later the impact it was having on my emotional health. I understand wanting to prepare for whatever is coming. However, for me, it was not worth the emotional turmoil I was experiencing just to be prepared for whatever was coming. I know it’s not easy cutting all contact, but it really does help a lot. At first, I struggled with cutting contact because it meant I didn’t know his mindset, but after a while my emotional state began to improve and it got easier not knowing. My abuser’s contact with me ranged from hating me to desperately needing me, and there were times he said that I had never gone back to the girl I was before a specific event so the relationship couldn’t be what it was before. At the time I just brushed it off as nothing, but now I realize what he really meant. He wanted me to be the person who didn’t share anything with anyone except him. It was his way of isolating and controlling me.

    • #11978
      determined survivor
      Participant

      I have been having difficulty accepting the same thing. I’m hoping with time it will get easier, but It’s still all fresh for me. I have only had no contact for a few months.

    • #11834
      determined survivor
      Participant

      First, remember you did not deserve anything he did to you. I know that is easier said than done, and I struggle with the same thinking process. Second, in a way you are grieving. We all do at various points during our recovery. You grieve however you need to. I grieved after mine as well, and some days I still am grieving. So many things are brought up, and you have to face those memories again, even when you want to forget. I have found that the freshness doesn’t linger as long as it did the first time, so there is some hope there. Take some time for you, doing something that you enjoy.

      We see the lies, and we know the truth, but unfortunately there isn’t much we can do about it. We don’t get the justice we deserve, and that’s something that hopefully will be fixed in the future, but for now we do the best we can and know that it’s all that matters. Keep working on moving forward!

    • #11753
      determined survivor
      Participant

      Welcome! I hope you find the support you are looking for here. I joined recently, and have found more support than I could have imagined. Good luck on your journey towards healing, and know there are people to support you throughout your journey.

      DS

    • #11752
      determined survivor
      Participant

      blaa, I understand what you are feeling. I have been feeling the same thing the last few months. It’s like the flashback or nightmare puts me in the same emotional state I was when it happened. It then makes it easier to blame myself. Something that has helped me recently is talking with a close friend about the things I have been through. She lets me share as much or as little as I am able to at that time, and she just listens. I don’t like talking about it, but I have found that I am having less nightmares and flashbacks than I was before. Now, that could be because of time passing, but I still feel like me actually talking about it has helped. Before, I was keeping it all to myself. The only person who knew most of what happened was my advocate, and now that I am opening up about it with close friends I am beginning to feel like I can get through this. It will get better!

    • #11680
      determined survivor
      Participant

      I have been questioning the same thing in my own life recently. I asked my advocate about it, and she told me that those of us who have been through abusive relationships are more likely to see them in society because we know the signs. We see it because we know what it looks like. Those who have never experienced it see is as normal, even healthy. She told me that it is everywhere, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I am going to be put in that same position again. I have been concerned about being abused again by another person, which is why I am not pursuing any new friendships or relationships right now. Sometimes I wonder if my lack of self-confidence and never feeling good enough come from my childhood, which made me more willing to endure the abuse because I thought it was normal. You are not being over sensitive. It is a reasonable thought, and one I’m sure many of us have wrestled with from time to time since we have left our abusers. I know I have, and I have only left within the last few months.

    • #11679
      determined survivor
      Participant

      I have found that the more proof I have the better. There were times where my abuser told authorities he never came to my place of residence, but I had a message from him that said he was there. I was very diligent when I had to go in front of a court to make sure everything I said I could back up with proof because he was very good about turning it all around on me or saying he never did any of those things. It worked because the court ruled in my favor. My advice to you is that, if you can, go through his statement piece by piece and note where you have proof that counters his statement. I know it won’t be easy, but at least you will have something that counters some of his statements.

      Unfortunately, they don’t see what they say as lies. They have a very skewed perspective of the truth and they firmly believe that what they say is true. I had a hard time accepting this, and it took some time for my advocate to convince me of this, after the court hearing. My abuser told multiple lies, and I had to keep quiet or it would make things worse.

    • #11678
      determined survivor
      Participant

      I often will focus on the sights, sounds, and smells around me if I am in a position where I don’t want other people to know about my increased anxiety. My preference, though, is to listen to music. I have a specific playlist that I listen to when my anxiety is high and I need to calm down, like when I wake up in the middle of the night due to a nightmare and am too terrified to go back to sleep, or when I am having a really rough day due to remembering everything that I have been through. Music has helped me get to where I am at currently, although I have just recently escaped my abuser.

    • #11832
      determined survivor
      Participant

      Sometimes what we need to know the most is that we are not alone in this. I have found that knowledge through this forum, which I am so grateful for. We do not win this fight alone, we win it by fighting along side other people.

    • #11831
      determined survivor
      Participant

      Thank you, nayuki! I have been trying to focus on myself, but that is one of the hardest things for me to do. I have to schedule it in right now or it doesn’t get done because I am the type of person who would rather think about everyone around me rather than myself. I will focus on other people before myself, and I don’t need to do that right now. People have been telling me that I helped him more than I should have, even though I constantly feel like I didn’t help him enough. My advocate keeps telling me that by forcing him to realize he needs help in the form of therapy I helped him in the best way I could. I just wish I believed that. I’m gradually learning how strong I really am, but it’s hard to realize that when I feel so weak.

    • #11738
      determined survivor
      Participant

      FS,

      Yes, time will tell. I am happy with the friends I have as well. For the last few months they are the ones who have helped me through. I haven’t been able to tell my family what really happened. They only know that the guy was contacting me excessively. They don’t know anything about the emotional abuse, and I’m not sure if they will ever know. If it were not for my friends, I would not be where I am at today.

      One thing I have realized in the last month is that I cannot do this alone, and I’m glad I don’t have to. Whether or not people understand what I’m going through, many of them are willing to listen. I wish you the best trying to figure out how to deal with your mother.

      DS

    • #11677
      determined survivor
      Participant

      Nayuki,

      I do have trouble with blaming myself. I know that it isn’t my fault, but I often still feel like it is. I didn’t realize he was manipulating me until much later. There were many times where I had to figure out if it was a serious threat or not, although my training has taught me to always assume it is a serious threat even though with this situation that wasn’t the case. I’m working on regaining my confidence, which isn’t easy. I have found that I am a much happier person now than when he was contacting me, and that is a good thing.

Viewing 10 reply threads