Dilly

[Dilly]

Thank you for giving me your hand Lottieblue. It is good to know you are there and offering support. X
And PaleBlueStar – Yes holidays! A subject worthy all on it’s own. It was a gradual process for me, but I remember wondering why I actually dreaded annual family holidays. I didn’t fully understand it at the time. Now I understand it in that he had us all trapped in a confined place for 1 or 2 weeks and was in his sadistic element. I shudder when I think what I allowed myself to put up with. (He never hit me it was all psychological cruelty). I understand what you mean about not being the parent you want to be. I believed if I was the caring parent it would be enough for our children, but I now think I was unwittingly ‘showing’ them how to passively accept and accommodate abuse rather than how NOT to tolerate it. I could have done this by removing us from so many abusive situations in the past – even if that meant going to airport with children and getting the next flight home. I am hoping that my divorcing him will set a better example to the children in that I am showing it is possible to free yourself from an abusive dominator, although I am reconciled to the prospect that my action comes too late.
As I write this, he has discovered a new way to torment me. He has taken to creeping up quietly outside my door and then banging on it with such ferocity that I nearly die of shock. He then pretends he is knocking to ask me a legitimate question. (detail removed by moderator)  He has (detail removed by moderator) and my heart is thumping out of my chest and I want to cry. (detail removed by moderator) he has done it. Some long deep breaths. I am training myself not to respond. Im so happy to have discovered this supportive forum. xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Dilly]

Helphelphelp – You are being very strong, don’t give up! Love18 mentioned Stockholm Syndrome. It sounds like you are experiencing this. Another name for it is Trauma bonds. Your brain has undergone extreme ups and downs during the abuse cycle with this person. In the abuse cycle you will be Idealised, then Devalued, then Discarded. Sounds like you are in the Discarded part of the cycle. He is ignoring you and the biochemical action in your brain is craving the idealisation part of the cycle. You are having withdrawal symptoms. Sounds crazy, but most of us in abusive relationships will probably have experienced this at some point. Search Trauma Bonds and Abuse Cycle. There is lots online about this.
(Also a great book which explains trauma bonds very well:’The Betrayal Bond’ by Patrick J. Carnes).
If you find yourself messaging him or being in touch with him in any way, it’s helpful to think of yourself as having ‘fallen off the wagon’ and resist judging yourself. Relapse is inevitable in addiction. Dust yourself down and go no contact again because recovery really is possible. The longer you can go ‘cold turkey’ the sooner your brain will begin to re-regulate itself again. You can do this!

[Dilly]

Sande – everything you’ve said is true and uplifting to hear. I am currently trying to divorce my husband, still living in same house – which has been every bit as bad as I knew it would be. At first telling my family and friends I was divorcing him was difficult, shaming etc, because as far as they were concerned we had been in a ‘happy’ marriage for all those years. I had hidden his abuse and covered for him and the shame of admitting it felt intolerable. But here’s the thing, once I had told family and close friends what was going on and once they had recovered from the shock, most were hugely supportive. There will always be some who choose to avoid you after that or worse take some pleasure in your downfall. But then at least you find out who your real friends are. And believe it or not I found there were a few positive things that happened to me after I asked for the divorce.
– It was liberating not to have to hide the abuse any more and keep pretending everything was fine. I stopped living a lie.
– I got to sleep in my own bedroom. Yes I did have to move into the smallest room and yes my clothes and precious things are in piles all over the place and yes I did have to put a lock on the door – but the joy of finally having my own precious space/sanctuary after so many years was heaven.
– Removing him and his friends (and for me also his family) from my social media accounts. This was very important. What I couldn’t see couldn’t hurt me.
I am still not free of him and am only half way through the divorce. And as hard as it is, I do not for one moment regret deciding to divorce him.

[Dilly]

I am also trying to leave my husband after ** years. I waited until the children were university age, but even then I still felt terrified of whether I was doing the right thing. The prospect of loosing my home, which I had contributed the lions share financially over the years due to his frequent unemployment. So My red line eventually came when I began reading about Covert Narcissistic abuse and sociopathy. I read and watched everything I could find. A big light bulb suddenly went on. All the years of trying to understand the nonsense arguments, the years of punishments, silent treatment and violent outbursts when he didn’t get his own way – all dished out to bring me back into line and remind me what would happen the next time I didn’t do what he wanted. Until all the reading & videos, I had not understood that I had actually been abused for a very long time, and that realisation finally ended any lingering doubts I had about staying with him. I joined a Survivors of narcissistic support group and was astonished to discover everybody’s stories were similar to mine. I learned that I had been ‘trained’ or groomed to accept this treatment – drip drip drip – over the years until I believed it was normal and that I deserved it. I also began to understand how my shame of what he was doing made me keep quiet and hide it from friends and family. I never told anyone. He learned he could escalate things without there being any consequences because I always kept it a secret. So that was my red line. There is a free support group run nationally in various towns and cities called ‘The Freedom Programme’. Any woman in a coercive relationship can attend. I haven’t been able to go because they always seem to run on a day I can’t attend. There is a book based on the programme called ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. Very helpful and easy to read with some nice graphic illustrations. (I think this programme should be taught to all girls in secondary schools). Information is empowering. xx

[Dilly]

Sleep deprivation: Switching the light on when I’m asleep, claiming he can’t see to get into bed. Or ripping the duvet off me as he gets into bed so I start awake with my heart pounding, and then him laughing at me telling me to stop making a fuss. Being woken up because the bed is rocking due to his masterbating.
Lack of hygiene: Hardly ever showering, getting into bed dirty and smelling – not sweaty body odour, more just stale old smell. Me putting out clean pjs every other night to try and minimise the smell. Changing the pillow cases frequently to get rid of greasy dirty hair smell.
Sleeping during the day often – hardly ever works. Gets into the bed with his dirty old jeans on. He did all these things at the beginning. I thought I could change him, that he hadn’t experienced this stuff when growing up, that he would eventually learn, but he never changed and started to take pleasure in knowing when things upset me. He is sadistic.
Moods: He becomes aggressive when things don’t go his way. Especially around his work. He defines himself by his work. He gets a lot of money per job but doesn’t get as much work as he would like. When he is pitching for a job he ignores me and the children but expects me to be a slave with shopping and cooking and laundry etc, even though I also work. He talks on the phone all the time loudly walking from room to room, showing us how important he is. Its as if the we don’t exist. And if he looses the job, I know I’m in for it. He becomes sullen and keeps picking arguments with me so he has an excuse to explode into a rage, blaming me and verbally abusing me and smashing things – only ever my things. And then ALWAYS ALWAYS follows this with the silent treatment. Walks right past me as if I’m not there. It goes on for days, sometimes as long as a week. I find it intolerable. At first I used to apologise and he would ‘forgive’ me and start talking to me again. But he did it so often I soon stopped apologising and just moved into sleeping with one of the kids until he got fed up and would start talking to me agin as if the silent treatment had never happened. But then the tension of his rage was gone and things were calm again for a while – until the next time. Apart from the work thing, I never know what is going to set him off.
I have been trying to divorce him for the last (detail removed by Moderator) years. As soon as the children were adults. We are still living in the same house, separate bedrooms. It has been the most difficult time of my life. Not sure when it will ever end. He has blocked and delayed the process from the beginning. Not sure how I could have done things differently. I am worn out with his games. He would like to destroy me. I have become the enemy. I am afraid of him, of his capacity to hate me with such vengeance and want to continually torment and punish him for wanting to be free.

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