DinkyHorse

[DinkyHorse]

This is shocking! I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this. It’s certainly not normal.

I recognise some things here in my own relationship so hope it’s okay to post about it.
Although not as extreme I also avoid buying myself anything, when I have in the past I’ve had negative comments about the items..Feel like whatever I buy he won’t like it because I bought it without his input. I have a (detail removed by moderator) that I’ve never worn because I (detail removed by moderator) and he didn’t like it…
Serious question: in a normal relationship do you have to like everything your partner wears? Should you feel like you can’t wear something you like because they don’t like it? I think that you are separate people and with that comes the fact that you’re not both going to like everything/agree on everything so sometimes you just have to accept it and let them wear their hideous top/hat etc. Right or wrong? I remember once he wasn’t talking to be and ignoring me and I didn’t know why…realised it was because he didn’t like the (detail removed by moderator) I was wearing…was a good few hours before I put it together!
So I avoid buying anything now, and if I do I just keep it from him/pretend it was a present (bad I know). Like something I’m expecting in the post that I bought for work, something I want/need but know it’ll be met with negative comments/a lecture (detail removed by moderator).

We have our own separate bank accounts. He doesn’t work so I buy the groceries etc. without his contribution money wise, and yet he’ll buy himself something expensive now and again and complain that he has upcoming bills to pay for (don’t buy expensive s**t you don’t need then!), I know I’ll have to transfer money to help him pay for these bills. What a mug I am. Is any of this classed as financial abuse?

[DinkyHorse]

Hi nbumblebee,
You are not alone. I also feel this way on the good days and the bad days..constantly doubting if it’s actually abuse or just me..thinking things like “if only I had/hadn’t done/said that it wouldn’t have happened/been as bad”, “why do I always find a way of annoying him” etc. Arguments happen yes but they shouldn’t b**w up out of proportion for something ridiculous (always an occurrence with us). But if he ever does or says anything to hurt me I just brush it off and don’t say anything because I just want to keep the peace and not argue. Or I’ll say sorry without meaning it or believing I need to just to end the argument and move on because it’s exhausting! Like you we’ve been okay for a while, but just waiting for the next bad day.
I don’t think I love my partner either, and often even dislike/hate him. This does not make us bad people or b****es, like ISOPeace said why would we love someone who treats us this way? It’s natural to feel like that because these are not healthy loving relationships.
Sending love and hugs, we will be free of this one day xx

[DinkyHorse]

Thank you Cantmakedecisions. It’s really tough I’m so on edge all the time because I always think ‘Is today the day?’, stomach in knots, can’t think of anything else, whilst trying to act normal so that he doesn’t get the chance to talk me out of it.

Thanks for the virtual hugs and peace, much needed x

[DinkyHorse]

Miserable@home I hope you’re doing okay? Hope you’ve spoken to Women’s aid and heard back from Dogs Trust. You haven’t replied for a while, you still have support on here if you still haven’t left.

Your partner sounds like mine. We do everything together, showering, eating, going to bed, watching tv…there is no privacy etc. He also asks me who it is every time my phone goes off or what I’m doing whenever I pick up my phone which puts me off doing anything especially messaging friends/family. Talking to me when I’m on the phone to someone else (annoys me so much). You have the right to your own life and to do things individually, it’s not healthy to be joined at the hip like we are. Sending love and hugs. x

[DinkyHorse]

Wow Ocean I always just jump up when my partner asks for something too! While always thinking why can’t you do it yourself I’m not your slave but know doing it is easier than saying no.

These things are so shocking and it’s quite comforting to know that there are others living this way. It’s not just me being a push over!

These are things that I’m not so much told I have to do but I’m made to feel that way from previous comments to make me feel guilty for not doing them.
I can’t get out of bed in the morning straight away, I have to hug him for a bit first (even if he’s asleep and totally oblivious).
I must text him everyday (I’m at work) at some point otherwise he’d be funny with me when I get home.
I must tell him of plans with friends/family in advance…I feel like I could never last minute decide to go out anywhere especially since pandemic!
I must discuss any decisions with him first before deciding what to do (work, social etc.) even if it’s not really anything to do with him. And of course all decisions made are usually his way in the end so it’s no longer discussing it but me asking for permission basically.
I must not work too much (at one point I was only doing 1 day a week, I was miserable as I love working).
I must not do most things alone…e.g. Go to bed, shower, eat, watch tv. At one point I would go days without showering and be embarrassed at work in case people could smell me because I felt like I couldn’t shower without him but he was too lazy to wash (I’d literally wash my underarms over the sink some days without him knowing).
I must not eat certain foods because they make my breath smell.

There’s probably more!

[DinkyHorse]

I know it’s ridiculous…have to hug him first, can’t use certain words etc. I just want to throw something at him and say get up. I have other stuff to do in the morning don’t have time for that c**p, actually set my alarm earlier these days to make time for the wake up sequence. *eye roll*

and speaking of disturbed sleep, I had to get through my (detail removed by moderator)! I felt weird all day through lack of sleep.

[DinkyHorse]

Oh that’s great I’m glad that you got out.
Thank you I think it will hopefully be soon because I can’t go on like this for much longer. I can’t actually wait to be free!
I’ve contacted my local abuse service.

[DinkyHorse]

Yes same, mountains that should have made us run a mile. Like you I brushed them off as that’s just because it’s a different kind of relationship to my previous one. They never compromise, I have too..and sacrificed so much, he’s sacrificed nothing. Sorry to hear you are medicated for issues. We are trapped. But we can and will escape the trap one day. Feel free to pm me if you ever need a chat. x

[DinkyHorse]

Yeah, I suppose some things have improved e.g. showering more regularly but knowing now that it was abuse is just not okay and it can easily happen more and more if I stay with him.
I also think the same, thinking am I just a push over for not standing up to him and saying I don’t want things to be this way.
Exactly, we feel like we don’t have the right to say no to things that we should.
Tantrums would sometimes be better if it means doing what you want. I tend to avoid tantrums whenever possible.
It really gets me that there were so many red flags at the start of the relationship that I missed. They were so obvious and I feel so stupid.
I’m sorry for your situation too, it must be so hard when it’s caused by a mental condition. I can kind of understand what you’re going through with the whole pandemic I have certain rules around that I have to abide by too.

[DinkyHorse]

Camel – Yes I bet they’re all using Covid to their advantage. Your poor relative, must be hard to know someone else you know is going through it.
Headspin – I’m so sorry you’re still in that situation and feel that you can’t leave. At least you can do your own thing though, and yes take care of yourself. Self care is not selfish. I hope you’re doing okay. x

[DinkyHorse]

I know it’s so tough..sending love and hugs we will get out! x

[DinkyHorse]

Sending love and hugs we will get out! x

[DinkyHorse]

Hi ISOPeace, yes I thought so I hope it helps others too.
Like I mentioned above I care too much about what he thinks and don’t want to be the bad person here, probably one of the biggest worries…along with getting my stuff out I have so much!
That’s what I think too, that being unhappy is reason enough.

The email idea is good I like that. Unfortunately I get only rare occasions of him being out which is a pain. That’s funny because I think what your partner said is exactly what mine would say! Yeah funny the timing of that isn’t it *eye roll*

Thank you! xxx

[DinkyHorse]

Thank you for your words and advice.
I feel a big weight on my shoulders because I believe that I need to justify my decision to him (like everything else!) and also care way too much about what he thinks!
Just been acting normal at the moment. When I’m out there will be no looking back I’m sure!

[DinkyHorse]

Oh gosh that’s so bad! I don’t get standing outside the bathroom at least but feel as though I have no privacy like you. Sound like he enjoys calling you out on things.
That’s disgusting behaviour with your underwear I can’t actually believe I read that! I bet you were mortified 🙁
Oh I daren’t have a bath alone, would be made to feel guilty for not including him I bet. Not particularly a bath person but knowing he wouldn’t want me to have one makes me want one more you know?
Total control.

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