DizzyFossil

[DizzyFossil]

Just wanted to reply and offer a virtual hug, I feel very similarly in that he is trying so hard at the moment but I feel like I’m just waiting for it all to happen again and I want to leave but he makes me feel so guilty and like it would be a total nightmare trying to parent and I would be destroying our children’s whole lives.

It’s so confusing xxx

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KIP I have finally read The Dominator and can see why you recommended it, thank you.

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Sending you big hugs Happyskies.

I’m so sorry to hear about some of your flashbacks returning, it sounds frightening and confusing.

Just wanted to say as well that I relate so much about not trusting my memory from being in a worried state, it’s not something I’ve understood until it’s reading your post, the same with bad sleep.

I don’t really have any advice as I’m still in my own mess here but sending you as much love and strength as I can.

xx

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Thank you for your kind words of reassurance. I have been able to stop any criminal charges as this was the last thing I wanted.

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I feel dizzy and hot and sick and evil and like nothing can ever be the same again.

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Hey unsinkableunicorn, can you tell us a bit more about why you feel stuck?

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Empoweredhealing – oh my god Dr Ramini, so unbelievably descriptive of what is happening here. Will check out the others too thank you so much.

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Sorry KIP pity party again, meant to ask if you know where I could get an electronic version? xx

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Thanks KIP, I was hoping I could get an electronic version as worried about leaving a hard copy around the house, it will only antagonise him more.

He sulked / simmered all night, slept late and did a perfect husband routine this morning before heading out all day.

It will be such a relief when I can finally get set up on my own, I would be gone already but I’m desperate to keep consistency for the children & they’ve only just gone back to school.

I hate feeling dishonest.

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Rosemary I’m so sorry you have to keep all of keep your healing secret, it’s such a horrible place to be in.

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Thank you all so much for your responses I really needed to hear that. Even knowing the cycles of abuse and possible narcissistic behaviour he shows he always manages to say exactly the thing that makes me doubt myself.

I really want him to be ok, but it seems like unless I’m under his control he is so hurt and angry.

He’s not violent but honestly yesterday was the first time it felt like he could be.

His despair is growing as I’m getting stronger and it’s all my fault. He keeps telling me he’s trapped.

It’s so hard to keep my strong in my own thoughts, I feel like I’m ignoring him but I’m trying to detach with love and stop being codependent.

Love to you all this is so hard and confusing.

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Virtual hug right back at you!

I’m so sorry you’re going through that.

Walking on eggshells here too.

Please feel free to message me if you ever need to talk. Also not hijacking if we’re going through the same thing xx

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@gettingtired Nice to hear from you, thank you for your reply, support and kind words.
There have been some far more intense discussions/arguments since we last spoke. It feels harder to push it back down every time now.
I have been speaking to a therapist since before my first post here actually, he is fantastic but remote-based obviously, and I think he (the therapist) is pretty much just waiting for me to get to the point of leaving.
I have reached out to step-change for some debts I still have, they should be manageable but I am also scared to go ahead and get them sorted as it will give me less cash-flow in the meantime which I think I will need. Then again I do have a supportive family who would help me.
I have also contacted women’s aid with some practical concerns about leaving and logistics.
I’m so sorry you had a tough time over Christmas 🙁
Has there been any developments your end?

@KIP I agree and I don’t really see how it can go any other way. In amongst all of the crap is what seems like genuine care, it always makes me question myself and whether I am reading too much into things. Certainly, he thinks I am. I have tried to discuss it with him but my words always get twisted, this side of it is very noticeably worse. There is also talk from him of feeling suicidal, of wanting to try, of ‘loving me’.

I honestly don’t think I even understand what love for a partner is anymore it all feels so twisted. With my children its pure and so easy to love them, but there is a dark feeling in my stomach with my husband and fear, always fear of what is about to happen. It seems to be the cycle of abuse, but without physical violence or even a raised voice from him I feel like I’m making it up.

KIP if you don’t mind sharing how did you finally break the cycle? I am so sorry to hear about your son. Mine is being quite challenging at the moment and I think he must be able to pick up on the atmosphere surrounding everything.

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Hi KIP,

I remember your words of wisdom before, thank you for responding.

I feel like I’m in an infinite loop of getting courage then doubting myself. And I am scared of causing hardship to any of us.

I also feel completely soul crushed and empty.

It feels like something that could actually be moderately hard to manage (working and homeschool) is being made impossible and we’re all suffering from it, ironically including him.

I am not really in a position to leave at this moment, but will I ever be?

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Just wanted to show my support, you could so easily be describing my husband, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, you sound like an amazing Mum, that will be a huge protection for your Son until you’re ready to make the change.

You are brave and strong and wise, don’t let him tell you different! Mine is currently and gradually minimising all that we’ve talked about and it can feel so hopeless, but you’re here and you’re aware and you will do what’s right when you can xx

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