Forum Replies Created
3rd May 2021 at 7:47 pm #125496
Hi there, it sounds like you are suffering from complex PTSD. It’s completely normal after the abuse you have suffered.
Please reach out to WA and your doctor. Counseling, both individual and group therapy are powerful tools that will help you recover.
But most of all, you are not abnormal. In fact, you are very very normal. We are not built to endure abuse. And the pain that we feel is a natural reaction to it.
1st May 2021 at 3:40 am #125408
Wishing you good luck and take good care of yourself and the children💕
1st May 2021 at 3:37 am #125407
Hi there, his behavior is actually really typical of abusers. They are extremely attuned to the most subtle emotional changes in people around them, especially their main supply. They have had to be in order to manipulate and keep people under their control. Counseling with an abuser is really dangerous. They will continue to abuse but now has a better vocabulary to do it with. They’ll use psycho-babble to confuse and blame you for their behavior.
Youtube was so valuable when I was going through this. It’s easy to digest, just short 10-15 minutes videos. And it helps keep my mind clear about what and who I was dealing with. Try Dr. Ramani, Ross Rosenberg and the “Surviving N********m” channel. You don’t need to diagnose your partner. You only need to understand the abuse dynamic so that you can reclaim your mind and protect yourself.
30th April 2021 at 4:33 am #125362
These are my favorite posts to read. Congratulations and so happy for you. You deserve peace and happiness!!
24th April 2021 at 9:13 pm #125197
Hi there, I think domestic abuse has always been a deep dark secret within the church. Many victims go to their pastor and spiritual leaders for help. But the church’s ideology of preserving the marriage at all costs really trapped so many victims of abuse. And abusers almost get a license to keep abusing. (detail removed by Moderator).
But I think this is changing. A lot of women are speaking out about abuse within the Christian community. Have you tried looking on Youtube? I was pleasantly surprised by a few videos from Christian channels recently. Abuse is increasingly recognized as a cancer that cannot be tolerated. Leaders are being educated on abuse and how to support and counsel victims. It’ll probably be slow but at least it’s changing a little bit.
24th April 2021 at 8:39 pm #125193
Hi, please try not to give up. It does get so much better.
The sadness, loneliness, tears do seem to be endless at the beginning. But they do end. And you’l get your mind, your spirit, your joy and your life back!
23rd April 2021 at 5:31 am #125095
Hi Darcy, inconsistencies and lack of commitment stems from emotional unavailability. I think abusive relationships and neglectful ones have this in common. We have to love ourselves enough to choose those who are not only non-abusive but also consistent, kind, open and available.
But you are doing a stellar job in working on self love and self care. So kudos for recognizing it early and letting these kind of relationships/people go.
22nd April 2021 at 2:38 am #125059
Also beware of why you are continuing contact with him after the relationship has ended. Be really honest with yourself about your motives in continuing to engage in the same chaos and drama. Sometimes, we can be in so much pain after this type of breakup that our ego will use any excuse to continue to engage with the abuser. At least if you have contact, the relationship haven’t really ended. At least that’s what your pain will tell you.
The reality is that the only way to reclaim your sanity is to stop listening to this man’s insane ramblings.
19th April 2021 at 5:57 pm #124938
Oh my goodness, I just want to say that you have suffered and continue to suffer horrendous physical and emotional abuse. This is NOT your fault. Blame is designed to keep you trapped. Abusers will blame you for all of their behaviors.
You partner’s behavior is monstrous and horrific!! There are no excuses for them. His abuse comes from toxic insecurities, entitlement and his own internal shame. You didn’t do anything to cause it and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
Please reach out to WA, your GP, family and friends. Let people know what’s happening as much as you can. Start slow but tell one friend or family member. Tell one professional. Start reading one book on abuse etc…
Posting on here is a very good first step. You have embarked on the journey out of abuse now. There’s no time frame but it’s inevitable that one day, you’ll find the strength to leave this behind.
19th April 2021 at 5:26 pm #124937
Hope you hang in there. This is the toughest stage I think. Beware of “euphoric recall”. It’s when your mind trick you by forgetting abuse and start remembering the “good times”. Separation is a threat to survival so our minds do everything it can to convince us to return.
Try to remind yourself of what you have gone through and what the reality is. Watching a few minutes of Youtube videos on abuse every day can be helpful. Hang in there❤️
18th April 2021 at 8:49 pm #124914
I would definitely recommend getting some support just for you. It’s very difficult to live with or recover from abuse alone. You have done a great job of getting allies in your daughters and friend. If you are able to, getting support from your GP and a therapist specializing in domestic abuse is also very helpful.
By the way, sounds like your husband uses a technique called “induced conversation” to pick fights. Abusers do this a lot when they want to offload negative emotions onto someone else. They’ll pick something small to criticize or rage at until they get emotions out of you. It’s a form of emotional vomiting. They feel better while you feel worse. Try not to argue, explain or defend. Sticks to one word and factual answers. Eventually, they may give up as you’re not an easy target for their anger, rage and shame anymore.
17th April 2021 at 5:07 pm #124890
Hi there, I’m so sorry that you have suffered so much abuse. It takes a lot of courage to start talking and sharing what has happened to you. Not knowing that it’s abuse is one of the biggest reason that keep many victims trapped. Sometimes, the abuse goes on for such a long time that the survivor is never freed until the abuser dies.
But you can start freeing yourself now, emotionally & intellectually. Start taking care of YOU. Learn healthy boundaries and implement them to protect and nurture you. And yes, you can have boundaries around caretaking for someone who is sick. You do not have to abandon your health and mental welfare to do so.
Keep posting and let us know how we can support you here!
17th April 2021 at 4:59 pm #124889
Wow so happy for you!! It took a lot of hard work and courage to get here. It’s what we all hope for as survivors. Keep going and Congratulations🎉🎉🎉
19th April 2021 at 6:29 pm #124939
Wow, I wish I could pin 📌 your answer so it’s at the top. So many women would feel so much encouragement from reading this. Well done❤️
16th April 2021 at 5:54 pm #124865
Hi Rosemary, “gray rock” is a technique that you can use to Emotionally Distance yourself from an abuser. If you have access to Youtube, Dr. Ramani has very helpful videos on this. But here’s an excerpt of the definition
“act like a “gray rock,” meaning that you become uninteresting and unresponsive. Using the Gray Rock method, your objective is to make someone lose interest in you. You don’t feed their needs for drama or attention. You don’t show emotion, say anything interesting, or disclose any personal information. Nor do you ask questions or participate in conversations, except for brief factual replies. Limit your answers to a few syllables or a nod. Say “maybe” or “I don’t know.”
Be warned however that your abuser may temporarily escalate his abuse when you start doing this. Because they get so much emotional validation from getting you riled up, that when you stop responding , they will escalate to try to get the same reactions as before. If you are able to stick with it, they may eventually stop as the pay off is no longer there. It’s one way to protect yourself against their crazy making behavior.