Forum Replies Created
15th April 2021 at 6:09 pm #124826
Hi there, have you try “gray rock”. In cases where you can’t leave, gray rocking will at least save you from the mental torment of an abuser. It sounds like he’s doing a lot of “word salad”. My ex used to be so quiet around other people but with me, he wouldn’t shut up. Mostly talking a lot of negative nonsense and word salad. I didn’t have peace of mind until I learned to tune him out. You have to learn to not let them effect you so that you can think clearly about taking care of yourself and your children.
15th April 2021 at 6:03 pm #124825
Using threat of suicide is such a cruel form of manipulation. But it must be effective because so many abusers uses it (including mine). The thing to remember is that whether their threat of suicide is serious or not, you CANNOT save them. The idea that you and you alone can take care of them and save them from themselves is a destructive fictional narrative. This is simply another lie that keeps survivors trapped. Try to remind yourself that you deserve your own compassion and care first!
12th April 2021 at 8:04 pm #124719
Hi there, it sounds like you are struggling with emotional codependency. That’s a terrible place to be because you take on the responsibility for your ex’s emotions and well being. Codependency is very destructive because you are imprisoned by obligation, guilt and then resentment. Codependency makes you suffer!
Healthy boundaries would be something like “I’m responsible for my emotions and actions. Other people are responsible for their emotions and actions”.
You can work on this slowly over time. “Codependeny No more” is a good book. You can do this! Leave him to take responsibility for himself. His entitlement to having you make him happy was a major part of why he was abusive. Do not take responsibility for something that was never yours to begin with.
12th April 2021 at 4:41 am #124702
Oh I’m so sorry. Everything does seem to happen all at once sometimes. Hang in there. You are doing very very well!
10th April 2021 at 6:44 pm #124640
I had minor panic attacks right after my relationship and getting out for a walk or in nature really helps. And as you mention, practicing mindfulness is so helpful!
10th April 2021 at 6:14 pm #124639
You are so strong and are an inspiration! Congratulations🎉🎉
9th April 2021 at 4:14 pm #124600
Hi fleur, you have gotten a lot if good advice. I just want to chime in to mention that the “good times” when he’s being “nice” is also part of the abuse cycle. You see, it’s the drug that keeps us hooked. And abusers do this on purpose when they sense us slipping away. It’s part of the manipulation.
When he’s nice, it’s not because he has true remorse, insight or wants to be a good partner. “Niceness” is an essential tool in the abuser’s arsenal. It’s how they keep their partner imprisoned for years, decades.
9th April 2021 at 2:23 am #124567
Hi there, one thing that I learn is that the abusive cycle is addictive to both the abuser and the victim. Your partner is addicted to being abusive. In the same way, you are also addicted to the intermittent reward of an abusive relationship. It’s literally built into us biologically.
That’s why most survivors take 7 attempts to leave for good. Leaving HURTS! You’ll be lonely and desperately sad. You’ll suffer from withdrawal.
But as you already know, to stay is to slowly die spiritually and emotionally.
Try to arm yourself with as much information and support as you can. In moments of weakness, I have gone back again to books, videos and supportive friends to remind me why I left in the first place. I learned that just because you missed someone, doesn’t mean you made a mistake. I can miss my ex everyday but still be grateful that he’s no longer in my life.
You can do it. Read one book, watch one YouTube channel, check in to one forum at a time. Eventually, you’ll have the knowledge and confidence to leave again. We are here for you!
8th April 2021 at 6:58 am #124503
Hi there, it sounds like you are experiencing a frightening level of psychological abuse and coercive control. This man is extremely dangerous and will destroy your mind, your body and spirit. He’s monstrous. Please don’t give him any more control over you and your finances.
You do have the power to set yourself free! But trauma bonding has you imprisoned. Tell one friend, one counselor, one doctor or one family member. Tell just one person. Your abuser thrives in darkness. Let other people remind you of the sanctity of your humanity and spirit.
“What will you do with your one wild and precious life”. Don’t let this man take it away from you.
7th April 2021 at 3:55 am #124430
I read something recently that really resonated.
“Addiction is giving up EVERYTHING to keep ONE THING. Recovery is giving up ONE THING to get back EVERYTHING”
Your fiancé is very dangerous and troubled. You cannot fix him and the relationship is already heading towards physical violence. To keep this man, you may have to give up everything including your humanity and your safety. Please reach out for support through WA, your GP, counselor, or support group. Hearing from people with a healthy perspective will help you see things more clearly.
7th April 2021 at 3:44 am #124429
Hi there, I’m so sorry you are going through this! From what you described, your husband’s behavior has all the hallmarks of verbal and emotional abuse.
His diagnosis, although a contributing factor, is not sufficient to justify abuse. And yes, it’s always a choice to be abusive.
Abusers are not abusive to everyone. Like most abusers, your husband instinctively knows to abuse only those who are vulnerable to him (his wife and children). There are very little consequences to abusing your family. And you can do this for a long time without anyone else finding out. It’s a pretty good deal for an abuser.
Have you reached out to your local WA or your doctor? You mentioned a counselor, that’s a really good step. Your husband’s diagnosis and his behavior are his responsibility. You have every right to protect yourself and your children from further abuse.
6th April 2021 at 10:29 pm #124424
Beautiful! I wish all survivors could read this. You are extremely talented. Thank you!
5th April 2021 at 3:52 am #124315
Hi there, it sounds like you don’t have emotional safety in your relationship so it’s natural for you to shut yourself off from your partner. In fact, that’s probably a survival mechanism.
It’s brave to admit you are hurting. Abuse hurts. Try to turn that love that you would give him inward to bolster up your own self love.
3rd April 2021 at 10:21 pm #124247
Try not to give up. Abusive relationships are very very confusing and difficult to get out of. It’s not a single act of just walking out the door. It’s often a process.
By posting on here, you are opening a door already. Have you read much about abuse? Understanding is key to breaking the mental prison. Lundy Bancroft and Patricia Evans have good books out there. Dr. Ramani on Youtube have 10-15min videos that are very enlightening. Get allies like WA to assist you.
And forgive your friends and family for their often poor advice. Most people will not have the experience necessary to understand what you are going through. But there are people who do! Believe it or not, you are on the right path.
10th April 2021 at 6:02 pm #124637
I hear you. I would say that most of the rage and manipulation is (detail removed by moderator). Meaning that the abuser feels a building up of tension due to their own insecurities and internal shame. Their shame rears it’s head whenever something doesn’t go their way or even at the slightest criticism or feedback. Then they attack you because they feel attacked. Rage allows them not to feel shame.
In the beginning, the most confusing thing for me was that my ex seemed to be happiest when I was most miserable. After an abusive episode, I could see him visibly relaxed. It was like he emotionally vomited all over me and now felt better while I felt traumatized. When I suspected that it was abuse, I would have panic attacks when I thought about it. Because how could my beautiful boy be an abuser and how could a modern woman like me end up in an abusive relationship?
So yes it will be a process. Give yourself time to listen to your intuition. And lean on resources like this forum, books and videos. You’ll find the way that’s best for you!