Escaped not free

[Escaped not free]

I felt just like this too but it does pass. I actually now love getting time away with my kids alone now. Your feeling low so you are noticing what looks like happy families. When you feel better you will notice the tension that goes on in a lot of families around you. I did this holiday away with my kids and relished the freedom of just pleasing ourselves and nobody else.
You sound emotionally tired so it’s ok to have extra time in bed but then force yourself to get some fresh air and booking treats likes reflexology is a great idea. I too live in a tiny community and feel the pressure and isolation of having to live around only conventional families and being the topic of conversation following failed relationship. It’s horrible and I know the feeling of not wanting to bother pulled up friends who I convince myself must find me a trial. I think it’s great advice to join groups if you can. It’s just not always that easy. Xxx

[Escaped not free]

Kip thus is amazing. I’m in total awe of what you have achieved and your unbelievable strength.
Seriously, to make changes like that is incredibly impressive.
you should be incredibly proud of yourself. Xxxx

[Escaped not free]

Fizzylem and serenity I just wanted to say sorry for not thanking you sooner for your advice and support on this topic.
My mother has still “cut me off” to “protect” herself from me. Which is interesting as the only time I ever contacted her was in response to her contact and to clarify boundaries and correct inaccuracies in the things she was saying about me.
My children now have fairly regular contact with her, when she chooses through my ex. She could see them weekly like this but chooses to make a huge fuss of them every month or two instead and tell them how much she misses them, acts like the grandparent from heaven for a few hours, whilst planting all the stuff they are missing with their cousins, goes on about how wonderful their cousins are which she must do in a manipulative way as my daughter finds it hurtful, she’s clearly showing preference, then she’s done. My younger kids then feel sorry for her, and feel akward about why I have cut her off. She’s so manipulative as none of this was my decision I simply asked her to stop certain behaviours I found offensive.
My kids are spending time with her again for a few days as I insisted my ex take a share of the holidays the days I’m at work so he very nastily has arranged not to spend time with his children but send them to my mothers and told me if I want them back I have to go and pick them up there. I haven’t seen her in a long long time and have no desire to.
I’m working nightshifts right now which leaves me exhausted and feeling vulnerable, money worries and feel incredibly alone.
I’ve re read the things you posted back to help me through this time. Thank you. I haven’t been here in a long time as I’ve had masses going on with kids and work and no room to consider my thoughts or feelings on anything. Sorry for not saying thank you sooner. X

[Escaped not free]

Oh honey.
My heart goes out to you. You are on autopilot and I think a bit dissociated from what’s happening here. Work has become your normal place where u escape which I relate to totally.

I’m going to give you one piece of advice and please please please take it. Get out. Don’t converse with him about it. If he goes out plan if for then so no conversation is needed. It’s not worth you holding on to this place. You are too emerged in toxicity to see how bad it is. You need a safe place of your own. If that’s a one room bedsit…which I have done before then it’s worth it to leave in the morning and come home to peace and safety. Until you are out and having no contact with these people you are not going to know who you are or how to be you. Please get out. If it seems to much to do then write down the steps in tiny tiny stages. Get on a website. Go for a viewing. Box up some of your stuff. All the other stuff, your mothers, can wait. Small things of sentimental value take with u when u go and step away from the rest.
Get out. You have a chance to help yourself here. Get out of there please. You only have you to think of, no children, you need to be the parent to you. Imagine what a caring mum or big sister would want for a girl in this position and be that person for yourself. Put your focus on taking the tiny steps one after another to get out. Get in touch with your local women’s aid or adult social services or citizens advice if the practical side is too overwhelming. Get yourself out. Please. Sending you love and hugs and hopefully some strength to leave. Xxx

[Escaped not free]

Hello.
I also went to my GP this week. I haven’t got cramps as such but get horrendously painful neck and shoulders and at times pain in my jaw and back of tongue…weird I know. My ribs as well are so painful I feel I can’t breath properly at times. GP I felt humoured me, said she would give it some thought and get back to me. She hasn’t though. Meanwhile I’m left with this pain. I agree for me the gym weirdly helps. The worst time is evenings when I sit down or in bed. My ribs near my spine actually become increadibly painful to touch. I don’t know what to do with this but it’s really affecting me so I sympathise totally. Xxx

[Escaped not free]

Hello jupiter.

Sorry for being away so long and taking so long to say thank you. Had an awful lot going on to deal with. Kids exams and one of my boys had (detail removed by Moderator) and not long out of hospital. I have gone no contact with my mother, or actually I suppose more accurately she did this with me. Because I pointed out, not in a bad way but very factual I guess about how my childhood and adolescence was affected by her unhappiness and resultant inability to allow me to be and an unfair level of responsibility placed on my young shoulders to bring up my brother and sister. I pointed out that I know she was doing the best she could at the time and asked her to respect that I am also doing the best I can. I know for a fact I’m not doing to my children what was done to me but I’m human and therefore make mistakes. As a result I have lost all my family as she has told them I’ve cut myself off from everyone and I’m not right in the head, I blame everyone in my family for my “issues”, all untrue and she has developed a lot of self diagnosed health problems that I apparently have caused by my “behaviour”. My ex continues to behave badly and ignore his responsibilities for his children and tells me all the time how he is keeping my mother up to date on “everything I’m doing”.
Is really like to know Jupiter or anyone if they have experienced similar and what that experience was. My friends all have supportive and while at times difficult mothers they are all essentially kind women. I’m struggling trying to think work out how, if one of my children came to me and said things you did to me in my childhood have left me with problems, I would move heaven and earth to put it right. I would not call it diatribe and refuse to speak of it and actually loose my dughter altogether rather than put things right. Has this been anyone else’s experience with their mothers?
Thank you. X

[Escaped not free]

Thank you older lady. I get accused of the EXACT same thing. Once because I went to the cinema alone after work because I wasn’t sleeping. He found out and went mad. He doesn’t see me as having any entitlement to life that doesn’t entirely revolve around serving needs of others. And yes, my counsellor says I’m too critical of my patenting, like I go above and beyond to make up for him and to counteract what he says about me, and my mother. My friends constantly tell me they don’t know how I do it all. I think I’m starting to crash though. I have a week coming up with no vhildren or work which I have NEVER had and I don’t know how I feel about it. Starting to think I maybe do need a bit of a break though. Just be responsible for me for a week. X

[Escaped not free]

That sounds really helpful. I’m so glad you have something that’s helping you. X

[Escaped not free]

Yes, it’s horrible it’s like I can’t relax a single muscle and need to move but paralysed with dear at the same time. Like if I go and shower or go downstairs then the bad stuff will start. It’s like it me I’m frightened of. That I’m going to do something that puts us in danger or upsets the kids. You are right it’s because I’ve had to sit and be told over and over that I am the cause of everyone’s unhappiness. Objectively I know I’m not doing that but on an instinctive level I feel like I’m responsible and incapable. That’s the best I can describe it. My go wasn’t very helpful when I asked for a psychology referral. Told me to give it time and keep going to counselling. The counselling has been a life saver but it allows me space to talk about what’s upsetting me. And I think through that I’ve managed to see do much clearer but this has just thrown me again and I don’t feel equipped to help myself. I will maybe go back. I find it embarrassing and shameful and then they start asking about the kids and I feel like they are judging me as a mother yet the kids are my total focus. X

[Escaped not free]

Unfortunately my mum isn’t so much wise as very controlling. As soon as I asked her to allow me to make decisions about my life myself she turned on me dramatically. Always walked on eggshells around her. Not an easy childhood and at times unbearable adolescence. I then asked her to stop talking about my mental state to my children and not undermine me with them. It got worse. She’s now after condemning him, in cahoots with my ex. (Detail removed by moderator). They weren’t nasty, they were respectful. But that’s how he and my mother interpret any request to be treated respectfully. I have no right to that because I’m sauce a bad person and such a mess. X

[Escaped not free]

Thank you cuppa. I’m trying really hard. Got myself up and moving, (detail removed by moderator). Getting him sorted for that. I don’t like to bother friends at weekends, they are always busy with activities with their husbands and children. I don’t actually feel able to talk to a friend just now. Feel like I’m in surviving mode. I’m just trying to be normal around kids and it’s exhausting. They go to their dads (detail removed by moderator). I always worry about that also. I’m just a big ball of anxious fear and worry. I don’t have my mum anymore to lean on. When I’d ask for help is get told what to do which actually didn’t help me, but having my mum around made me feel a little safer like nothing immediately bad would happen. She would take over me completely though, take over with my kids which I hated. Now I’m telling myself I’m not capable, not safe with them. It’s horrible. Really frightening. X

[Escaped not free]

Thank you cuppa. That was very kind of you. X

[Escaped not free]

Hey Sadie.
I hope you are doing ok. I’m suffering the aftermath of s triggering mediation session so I know the horrible feeling it leaves you with. Hope you are able to get support and look after you. Xxx

[Escaped not free]

Agreed. They are awful. It’s distressing to hear their reasoning time with their children as having “cost implications”. I’d LOVE to believe that Karma will bring back all his horrible deeds and beat him with them. X

[Escaped not free]

Well done! No good will come of it. Keep going! Well done for looking after you. x

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