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    • #112779
      Escapee
      Participant

      Hi Random,

      It’s frustrating and so unfair isn’t it.

      Please reach out to a professional about the depression. It can consume you and put you in a terrible place. At one point I was so disconnected from who I am I couldn’t even feel love for my children.

      From talking to other women, some of us have stayed strong and kept no contact, whilst others have allowed themselves to dip in and out.

      He’ll never really understand what he has done to you. I don’t think any of them do. Maybe with years of reflection it might happen but I’m certainly not holding my breath. Mine shook me to the core when he told me I had been cruel to him…..I knew then to just shut up as I was just hurting myself more by trying to get validation from someone who could never do that.

      I’ve been on my own for a while now but I’m still not over my ex. Each time I faulter, I realise that it can never be. He will never change and I’m too exhausted and wrecked to be able to play his games any more.

      Whether you push through the pain of no contact or go through the tortuous process of the slow disentanglement is only something you can decide. Which ever way you choose no one here will judge you as we all understand how complicated and painful the healing process is.

      Have you read Healing from hidden abuse? It’s well worth a read (and several more reads) to help you understand.

      My love and strength to you xx

    • #112620
      Escapee
      Participant

      Thank you hazydayz …….sunshine days are always very welcome. πŸ’•

    • #112471
      Escapee
      Participant

      Hi BTA,

      Yes, being angry does stop the guilt and feeling sorry for them.

      I’m just not sure how to get through this bit without hurting others. I’m so defensive and quick to anger especially with people I don’t know. I recently had a bad driving experience and I think if the man had pulled over and continued to be abusive towards me I would have hit him!

    • #112328
      Escapee
      Participant

      Thank you for this – just what I needed to read today πŸ’•

    • #112313
      Escapee
      Participant

      Hi Lavinia,

      Welcome to this wonderful space πŸ™‚

      It sounds like you’ve been through hell and still finding you way through the maze.

      We’re here for you.

      I was recently looking at fostering animals and I noticed that some charities have fostering for pets of DA survivors whilst they find accommodation for themselves and their furry friends.

    • #112311
      Escapee
      Participant

      Oh Star!! Well done for being so brave πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•

      It sounds like you’ve got some really good people on your side now.

      Sending you love, hugs and oodles of strength. Xx

    • #112263
      Escapee
      Participant

      Please know you are not alone in this. I too was put through sexual stuff too and the shame associated with it. I would like to call them a few choice words but I know they’ll be edited…..I’m sure you’re with me on this one.

      If your children understand that your relationship with their father was not healthy and one of them is very supportive of you, you could tell them the VERY bare bones of the situation and ask them to please destroy everything without looking at them.

      There may be some legal road you may be able to take?? I’m not sure about this.

      I’m pretty sure we are not alone in this situation. Sexual coercion is more common than we care to admit. Xx

    • #112262
      Escapee
      Participant

      My lovely, you haven’t made a fool of yourself, you stood up for yourself and your right to be respected.

      At the end of my marriage, I too saw red and told him exactly what I thought of him and his behaviour. I’m fairly sure he was the embarrassed one as the neighbours heard every word of why I left.

      When I hear of any ‘odd’ behaviour, I don’t think badly of the woman, I think there’s a woman struggling and my heart goes out to her.

      Keep strong xx

    • #112237
      Escapee
      Participant

      It’s really unusual for those around us to understand what we’re going through. Invariably it’s only those that have experienced abuse that are able to appreciate just how serious and insidious it is.

      If you have a few people who are close friends, you could try showing them the letter to family and friends at the end of Healing from hidden abuse??

      I hope you have a really supportive appointment with your solicitor tomorrow – good luck xx

      Keep strong, you can get through this and be free xx

    • #112077
      Escapee
      Participant

      Hi HHH,

      You are now moving into the period where your head starts to process and relearn.

      I am out a year now and my brain and body is still learning. I’ve kind of given myself 2 years to work through it all as it’s a slow old process.

      I used to promise myself that I’d make it to lunchtime, 3pm, 6pm and then tell myself I could get to bedtime. I don’t need to do this now so there’s definitely a moving forward process.

      Find a grounding technique that works for you and when you feel the panic coming on use that to help bring yourself back to the present.

      I too have been to scared to use medication as being completely on my own, there was no way I could risk feeling worse.

      Reach out to all the support available, talking to a stranger over the phone can really help. I have used the Samaritans a few times when the going was really tough and they were wonderful.

      It does get better, I promise. Those that have been out a few years are my inspiration, they did this bit too and they’re proof there is life after abuse.

      Huge hugs and love to you xx

    • #111651
      Escapee
      Participant

      Oh Pale Blue Star πŸ˜” No it’s not too late and yes you will be able to have a happy life once more.

      Well done for making contact with a solicitor. Be really honest with them about his behaviour.

      Have you spoken to a DA support worker? It sounds like you could really use someone who understands what you are going through to give you support and advocacy.

      I can’t really give any advice on the practicalities as I had already lost everything material before I left.

      But you do have you! And you sound amazing!

    • #112643
      Escapee
      Participant

      Thank you so much my lovely eggshells.
      Your wise words were exactly what I needed to hear xxxx

    • #112587
      Escapee
      Participant

      Hi Camel,

      It’s so out of character for me. I’m going through the process of getting help at the moment so hopefully I’ll get some guidance.

      The advice out there is so contradictory! I’m trying the ‘sit with the anger and show it compassion’ and trying to avoid situations that may cause me to be reactive.

      Have you gone through this stage?

    • #112326
      Escapee
      Participant

      Remember that it is also illegal for them to do anything with any photos or video they may have. They would be guilty of distributing pornography at the very least.

    • #112312
      Escapee
      Participant

      Oh gosh! Me too! I couldn’t get rid of all that stuff fast enough! It was such a relief to get it all out of my home! If there’s one thing I’m really angry with him about it is stealing my sensuality and comfort with sexual intimacy.

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