Escapee123

[Escapee123]

Red Flags, Red Flags all over the place here.

MY abusive ex would say similar things. You say his past experience, are all his stories about his ex girlfriend(s) negative and he seems to be a victim by any chance? That would be another red flag.

He ought to respect your feelings and needing space away from him, something just doesn’t sit right here…

[Escapee123]

Thank you so much. I realise the moderator had to limit what I could say there for my own protection but I think you know what it’s about.

I am having a rough week of it really, I swear my whole face it twitching from stress.

The kids are parroting his behaviour even more this week and my smallest is even hitting and kicking me, thinking time and naughty steps seem to have no effect.. they have learnt by watching him that I don’t deserve respect 🙁

He is also telling me I have to share my free 30 hours childcare with him while at the same time refusing to pay his half of huge debts he accrued in my name on credit cards. The fun just never ends with this guy.

[Escapee123]

I absolutely relate to this. I was the same with you with the abuser, I would go into fight or flight; if I fought it made things worse, if I tried to leave the situation it made it worse, if I was silent it made it worse.

He convinced me it was always my fault, because I was so defensive and convinced me I always lied during arguments (when I was just being gaslit). I even underwent two bouts of therapy and CBT to try and better myself for him and stop being defensive wrote him long letters about what a terrible person I was and how great he was!

I don’t know if it’ll change for you, but I totally understand why you behave in that way, and that knot in your stomach, stone on your chest feeling you get when confrontation starts.

Probably talking therapies is the best answer on the long run, but be kind to yourself too.. let your brain have a break x

[Escapee123]

I’m sorry that it didn’t work out. I noticed too how you were making so many excuses for him and like the others said it is a side effect of suffering abuse.

If you do meet someone else try and give yourself the same advice you would give others about the situation if it feels wrong, take a step out of yourself to look at it objectively.

Go treat yourself and look after yourself x

[Escapee123]

It sounds like he is trying to damage your self esteem and manipulate your behaviour by showing his distaste for your outfit in the hope you will dress differently.x

[Escapee123]

Thank you all for you support 🙂 It really does get on top of you sometimes doesn’t it. It’s not helping that the kids are still adjusting and acting out.. they are only little so keep saying they want to go to Daddys and not my house and wish they were with Daddy. It it utterly heart wrenching and exhausting to keep consistent for them and reassuring rather then burst out crying.

He won’t tell me where he lives, I am thinking I have to follow him as I hate not knowing where my children are. He knows where I live (removed by moderator).

Sometimes my children parrot things he used to say to me and copy his horrible attitude to me.. they used to do it when we were together and they never spoke to him the same way, as if he is alpha and I’m the bottom of the pile. I think it’s because if I ever tried to actually parent them and say, put them in thinking time for fighting, he always took over. He also screamed that I was a bad mum in front of them a lot and told me I had no idea what I was doing, which wouldn’t have helped.

I am so terrified of going through court. I know him, and he will twist lie and manipulate everything. He is like a master neuro linguistic programmer, he always gets his way. (Detail removed by moderator). What if they believe him?

[Escapee123]

Hi,

I have only recently left my abusive relationship after (detail removed by moderator), I actually left with no where to go and ended up living in a (detail removed by moderator) until yesterday when I moved into my own rental property.

There is a lot of help available for women in your position (I was coerced into selling my home so had some capital but was offered financial help countless times).

Start with calling the Domestic abuse helpline (national) 0808 2000 247 and explain the abuse. They will give you a case number and this can be evidence if you chose in the future. They allocated me a IDVA (independent domestic abuse advocate) who has been wonderful and directed me all the way, mention this to them. They can also help you find emergency housing or a womens refuge to stay in.

Google the integrated abuse service for you local council and call them and explain everything.

You mentioned kids, call FLOWS on 0203 745 7707 who can offer free legal advice and help you with molestation, prohibited steps, injunctions etc. and you will get legal aid because of the circumstances.

When you are ready to leave, download an app called HOllyguard. You can then set this up with emergency contacts and a simple shake will alert them if he gets violent with you and start recording the incident.

If he gets violent, ever, call 999 and don’t speak just dial an extra 55 and they will record the event and trace you.

Call your GP, they can also offer a lot of support.

Keep in touch with your support network, if he is coercive or emotionally abusive you will have doubts / guilt / or even question if its really abuse, if you want to, tell them everything and ask them to help you break away. My Mum had to physically walk me into the bank to close our joint account as I was so anxious and frightened to do it, things like that is always better to have support.

Don’t keep thinking it’s not the right time, it never will be. Wait until it’s safe, and leave – tell yourself you are breaking the cycle for your kids and you deserve happiness, you do.

It’s still raw for me currently but I’m making baby steps. I have 2 children and am only just starting the legal route, which will end up in more abuse as my partner was a narcissist.

Download an app called “BrightSky” and log every event of abuse. It will send it to a secure email address and not store anything on your phone. It’s disguised as a weather app unless you know how to get into it so he won’t know. That will help you later down the line. These can be used as evidence later if needed.

Please try not to feel hopeless, I know exactly how you feel. Better days are out there xxx

[Escapee123]

Hi,

Thank you for this. Yes I have text and told him I’ll be dating other people as it’s not working for me. His reply was a selfish one considering only his own feelings. He just wants to have his cake and eat it but even the physical side was getting difficult for me because of the red flags and what I went through previously.

I hope he accepts it and doesn’t keep trying to wind me back in!

[Escapee123]

Hi, thanks for your reply.

It’s good to hear another perspective on it, as he keeps saying that because he has been honest with me and told me he can’t commit that all these things are ok.. but in my head I still deserve a bloody reply and respect.

I have tried to end it twice and he draws me back in saying he loves me etc. and that makes me feel good so I agree for coffee or what not and things fire up again, I just need to be honest and say I no longer want things to progress into a relationship.

I have been spending more time with another person who I met by chance, who is total opposite, platonically, but I feel we really have a connection and I would like to see what happens there. He is very caring and has a great deal of empathy and I’ve felt very much at ease and myself with this person since meeting him which I never quite felt with “red flag man”. This new person tells me to trust my intuition, which I know I’ve been ignoring. This is really what has put the red flags into perspective.

Really I think it is mainly physical attraction that kept me going back to “red flag man” as I find him very hard to resist but you know how it is after a while that starts to die down and infatuation fades so you focus more on actions and behaviour..

Thank you for this, all my family and friends have already said they feel I should not be dating him but at first I thought they were being over protective after what I went through, so an outsider viewpoint has really helped. 🙂

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