Forum Replies Created
15th November 2019 at 4:57 pm #91518
I told my adult daughters the full story. But I did take care to emphasise that their childhood hadn’t been a total lie, that the best time of my life was bringing them up to be strong independent women. That I regret that his abuse must have affected them but that I was being manipulated & controlled to the degree that I doubted my own judgment. They are supportive & my eldest says she always knew he didn’t treat me with respect & doesn’t know why I didn’t go sooner. They are currently struggling watching him love bomb me and by him putting emotional pressure on them to guilt me into entering into dialogue with him. In my case it’s been easy for them to identify with my decision due to some pretty lurid infidelities having come to light. Galling thoughts it is, it’s easier for people to understand than the general abuse. I wish you luck.
30th October 2019 at 1:48 pm #90414
Yep, dreading the coming (detail removed by moderator). Struggling to make my escape plan & pay removals etc without him knowing & finding out I am going by seeing bank transactions that will give me away. Also I just realised that escape day is set to be my grown up (detail removed by moderator). To save her day would mean waiting another whole torturous (detail removed by moderator). Can’t decide but am inclined to sooner rather than later. I’m hoping to “Sneak out the back Jack”. No discussions, we’ve said it all before, over & over. Times up.
30th October 2019 at 1:40 pm #90412
Please leave. The Women’s Refuge will help I am sure. You will be helping your kids to a more loving & stable life. Let the courts decide what contact the abuser has with them. He sounds as if he abuses you all. I hope you can leave soon & I wish you the very best. You sound like a great Mum.
30th October 2019 at 1:33 pm #90411
Well done you. You are strong and doing what’s best for your kids. They are lucky kids to have a strong mama like you.
You aren’t responsible for him. Just yours& the kids. Don’t contact him. He will pipe down & start looking for someone else to feed off.
30th October 2019 at 1:21 pm #90409
What I am looking forward to in my abuse free life. A few of the upcoming highlights.
Getting a cold & not being screamed at for not taking a paracetamol to cute it so that I can get right back on it serving my abuser in the manner to which he has become accustomed. I want to be ill in peace.
To look at frocks in a shop without having him pacing up & down outside biting him bottom lip in irritation.
I want go to a restaurant or coffee shop which is my first choice. Normally once I say I fancy going to such & such a place the venue is avoided like the plague.
To never watch a football show on TV ever again.
To never listen to his music & his music only.
To get a take away (he won’t have them, more fun to watch footie on TV, full volume whilst I skivvy in the kitchen.)
To read in bed with a light on.
To buy stuff I need for the house without fear of certain disapproval / anger
To watch a ton of classic films that he watched whilst I skivvied.
To plan & enjoy holidays without feeling sick about the certain dramas ahead. He likes hi spoil a good vacation
To settle down each evening without a looming presence oozing aggression/tension/abject dismissal. This ones my very favourite.
30th October 2019 at 1:07 pm #90408
Me too. Love bombed & blissfully grateful. For a very short time. Then bam, worse than ever in repayment for daring to challenge. Abusers can act loving & repentant, they can feign care & love. In the long term, they can’t change.
30th October 2019 at 12:57 pm #90406
I just told three dear friends about the abuse for the first time today. I now have two places of safety on offer. It feels amazing for this no longer to be a secret.
30th October 2019 at 3:03 am #90392
Oh my word ladies, thank you so much for your words of support. We had one of those more normal, connected evenings last night. I soon found the “soft girl” voice in my head. “Maybe he could change”.
Before I read your replies I had already re-inforced my resolve & reminded myself that I need to be respected & considered an equal all the time & that that can’t ever happen. I had raided my memory bank for the words to beat down the doubts. But reading your words has helped more than you can know. Thank you. Just getting ready for the packers to come & look at my stuff to give me a price.
30th October 2019 at 2:51 am #90391
Our inclination to have a positive mind when our partners behave ok towards us (my husband makes me a cup of tea every morning) is why they chose us imo. We have a mindset that is hopeful & positive.
It’s important to expect respectful and loving treatment all the time & to remember abusers lie & manipulate.
Write down your feelings, the way you are put down, feel misunderstood, irrelevant etc. In isolation each incident / feeling might seem petty or could be explained away (or denied & lied about by ones abuser). They make up a whole picture of the deliberate damage that is being caused to you by someone who purported to love you. They are not trivial, they are corrosive and any good days are happening because of your positive mind which he knows he can use to keep you in place till he feels he is safe to play up again & get you back in your box where he likes it.
Arm yourself with words that you could use to describe to a stranger you meet in a lift to describe what your life with this man. Remind yourself of these words ready for when your man tells you it’s you that’s the problem (gaslighting/projecting) or tells friends & family it’s you that’s the problem (smear campaign). Have them to hand for when he is being half decent with you. He is faking it & you have to remember that.
Your abuse is real, you aren’t imagining it, you deserve better.
30th October 2019 at 1:57 pm #90415
Hetty – I so get what you say about feeling respected at work but very much not at home. I wish I had left him sooner as I had to stop work, leaving a job I loved & was valued & respected at – just so I could cope emotionally with my abuser. I told him I couldn’t do the job & live with him. Should have left him & not the job then. It’s been much harder since I finished work. Tho my yoga practice has come on so there’s one good thing. I do seriously recommend yoga for helping clearing your head of his nonsense.
30th October 2019 at 1:03 pm #90407
My abuser will say I had a nice life with him after I’ve left too. Materially maybe but it’s impoverished in terms of love, respect & mental stability. For you not being hit is going to be the best life. Your lawyer can help I am sure. I wish you all the best.
30th October 2019 at 12:55 pm #90405
Hetty – you sound like you are almost there. What you said about how hard it is for us to leave resonates especially. We have been chosen by our abusers as people who do / can care for others feelings. We don’t want to hurt our abusers by leaving if we can avoid it. Yet we know they are ready to hurt & emotionally harm us as soon as the opportunity arises. As soon as they feel we are safely ensconced in the relationship. Anything is better than staying for more hurt.