existorlive

[existorlive]

Oh God…you just reminded me. The secretiveness…it’s funny, he managed to find (detail removed by Moderator) to put towards his mortgage on his flat. When I asked him about this he just shrugged his shoulders. It was like pulling teeth just to get any info on other accounts. My son has an account from his babyhood and EX is being elusive with the details. My life is wonderful without him in it, but he is still connected tenuously and I hate it. I’m going to the citizens advice today and find out where I stand and how to get a solicitor. I want to shout this stuff out so someone gets a clue and sees who he really is. Uugh. x

[existorlive]

I forgot to say that he is now withdrawing his monetary support, so I’ll have no money at all. I don’t know what to do.

[existorlive]

Being angry and grumpy is OK. If it dosn’t hurt other people. Anger is a way of telling you something is wrong and needs to be acknowledged. You have every reason to feel anger, hurt and dissapointment with people who have invalidated, hurt and dissapointed you.

Don’t be so hard on yourself! We are human and will react in an emotional way. You are trying to become more balanced, so am I, but don’t to expect to be perfect…ever! Allow your self to fail…it’s a step towards self love. Peace x

[existorlive]

Hi good people,
I now have time to myself for the next week…the darkness has gone on holiday.

I’ve been thinking about the idea of “soulless” people. We use this word as expression to describe the lack of goodness within a person…What if people really are being born with no soul/spirit? I’m not talking about the religious idea of a soul…more about our sense of being, our individuality, emotional life, having an almost innate understanding of good & bad. There are many people who have gone through horrific childhoods and still, within them the knowledge of good & bad exists. So I believe nurture alone does not a good person make, thus the idea of the existence of a soul/spirit.

I look at my husband now and see nothing worth my time. he’s very good at emulating a kind human being, (with his friends and at the beginning of our relationship) but the emulation pool was very shallow and evaporated very quickly! He was not able to keep up his pretence any longer as I question everything….life, universe, reality, technology, psychology..etc, etc

I’ve just received a few more books from Amazon …one is called “Stalking the Soul” and the other “Why does he do that?” and the predominant theme (to me) is the absolute soullessness of the perpetrator. I’m starting to think that “Sociopath and psychopath” are psychiatric terms to descibe narcissists lack of a soul/spirit.

I hope this makes sense? … it sort of helps me see that no matter what I do around the house, no matter how hard I try to nurture and support, acknowledgement, appreciation or validation will never come from him. He is a dead thing. Dead things have nothing inside except putrefaction.

Just had to share my insights … I’ve just realised the time, it’s very very late … no wonder my spelling was so bad (spellchecker had a workout!) … such is my relief at him being away for a whole week!

Thankyou to all of you for caring enough to respond and help, it does make a difference to me and hopefully when I feel more able and stronger I’ll be able to do the same for another. xXx

[existorlive]

Well the silence is still going on 9 days later and he’s acting like the victim. I feel really angry and wonder if he really does believes he is the victim. He’s gone out a few times in the evenings, just dissapearing…no idea where. I talked to him in bed just now, asking him when the silent treatment was going to end and he said I dont stop shouting (sticking up for myself) and moaning at him…. I haven’t even spoken to him for nine days. He justifies everything and says it’s all my fault for asking him to do things. I feel so paranoid at the moment…I have a constant headache. I do wonder if it is my fault and I’m just blind to it. I feel like I’ve been devoured and spat out.

[existorlive]

Hi, I’ve done the pretend thing before and it has worked, I can do it for a while & then I slip back to where I was…I have to be stronger and keep it all secret…I feel so disconnected, dizzy and sick at the moment through the stress of silence. You are right about the silence being deafening, it is my achilles heel as communication is very important to me. He is without a soul. I need beauty and goodness in my life and I know one day I’ll be without this creature.

My son has been great, he’s very encouraging and he’ll sit down in the lounge with me instead of playing his xbox, we’ll talk about general stuff and I feel almost normal for a while. I wanted so much more for him, I don’t want him repeating the life I’ve had.

I’d like to see a solicitor but I have no idea how to find one and I have no money of my own. My brain is so cotton wooly at the moment, even writing this is hard as I keep making spelling mistakes and having to edit it…I hate having to think about all this stuff.

[existorlive]

He is going to a festival with his friends next week, so I’ll be able to have time to think and be. When did my life become this? He’s at home constantly at the moment as he’s looking for another job and he won’t take what is offered. I dunno what he’s doing any more…he’s not talking to me right now anyway…he is sighing a lot, though. Poor Dear

[existorlive]

I’m being punished for asking him to clean the small kitchen surface he uses to put rubbish on instead of in the bin. He picked up a couple of bits of plastic and left the rest as it was not his?! I created the problem as I threw my jello cup into the kitchen sink and he walked into the line of fire…a small dribble of jello now on his tshirt. Oh crap. He threw a ceramic bowl at me which hit my ankle…I got a lovely bruise now. I asked why he threw it at me and he said I was a liar. I think he thought the neighbours could hear and covered for himself. It’s all so school playground.

He’ll offer me a cup of tea tomorrow or the next, thinking that it will get me to thaw a bit, it usually does unfortunately…it’s better than this frozen emotional wasteland.

[existorlive]

Hi, I’ve just bought the book “Why does he do that? ” a few days ago, just before I posted on here. I copied a page of 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics flash card list…I’m going to print them out for myself, just to remind me not to react and become a crazy woman…

God, it’s so hard to be in the same room with him…he’s ignored me for (detail removed by moderator) days now and my chest is tight. My desktop computer is in the lounge room and when I feel strong enough, I go downstairs and use it…I can usually handle it for an hour before the silence gets too much. I usually go back upstairs and sleep or read.

He’s been sleeping on the sofa for the last week, which has been wonderful…but I know it won’t last and I’m dreading him polluting our bedroom with his darkness. In the last (detail removed by moderator) years I started getting anxiety and sleep has suffered…I sleep for 5-10 minutes and awaken for another hour or 2 then repeat…I sleep better in the daytime. He just makes me feel ill.

Thankyou for replying, I feel invisible a lot of the time and maybe this will help. x

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