FlowersAfterFloods

[FlowersAfterFloods]

I understand your situation. My ex also financially abused me and I’m struggling to keep afloat.

You need to apply for a non molestation/ restraining order. You don’t have to attend court for it so you don’t have to see him.

You should report every incident to the police. You don’t need to ring 999 if its not immediate danger, but you can call 101 and ask to log an incident, so that if anything happens in the future you will have loads of evidence.

You can private message me and we can chat anytime, about anything

[FlowersAfterFloods]

I can tell by the fact that you are even concerned about being a nasty person, that you are not a nasty person. Mean people usually don’t care about what others think about them.
I’m really glad you posted here because sometimes you really do need to scream it out and just let the world know that something horrible is happening to you.

I strongly believe that he is doing all he can to continue to control you. Children don’t understand the world yet, they only see stressed mommy and fun daddy. But you should hold it in your heart that when she gets older she will always remember who raised her, who was there for her before and after school, who helped with homework, who gave the goodnight kisses and cuddles after nightmares. She may be attracted to the fun weekends now but I can guarantee in her little heart that she appreciates everything you do for her.

I can’t offer any legal advice but maybe you can talk to citizens advice or an affordable lawyer about setting up properly scheduled visitation, so then you have it in writing that there is no reason for him to harrass you on weekends if he is presenting himself as a responsible and capable parent.

[FlowersAfterFloods]

I read a really interesting article about women’s sex drives and it makes a really good point.
When men want sex but women don’t, women’s sex drive is too low. When men don’t want sex and women do, the woman’s sex drive is too high. Its never the man that needs to change, its always the woman, as if the man’s sex drive is the standard and we just float around it.

When men have sexual problems, they can take viagra and its fixed. So then men assume it works the same for women and try to medicate us or send us to therapy. When in reality, there are very good reasons for not wanting to have sex with someone who treats you like s\!t.

(Detail removed by moderator)

[FlowersAfterFloods]

Thank you for all your kind words! We will survive, hey hey <3

[FlowersAfterFloods]

Hey, I’m really sorry to hear that your friends and family are not being understanding towards you.
You are not bitter at all for not wanting to forgive someone who was horrible to you. Why does he deserve forgiveness?

I am in the same boat as you, about not wanting him to ever be happy. I don’t want him to improve after how he destroyed my life, I don’t want to see him treat another women the way I should have been treated.

I heard this quote once “Women, you are NOT rehabilitation centres for badly raised men” and its so true, its so deeply unfair that men like this are ‘allowed’ to learn from their mistakes by abusing you and then moving on to someone else.

Its completely understandable to hate your ex. I truly wish that you reach safety, happiness and freedom from all he has done to you.

[FlowersAfterFloods]

I am reading ‘Living with the dominator’ as I can’t find any spaces to join the freedom programme.

I’m also reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It is a wonderful, empathetic yet matter of fact book. I am going though it with a pen and sticky notes and writing down which parts are relevant to me. When you flick back through the book and you see just how much abhorrent shit your ex did to you, it further convinces you to stay away and focus on being happy and safe. The book talks a lot about physical abuse but it also goes in depth about the effect that emotional abuse (and sexual abuse) can have on you. Its really helped me to get on the road to healing, its the best thing I have found while I am saving up to afford therapy.

[FlowersAfterFloods]

I am so glad that horrible man is in prison.

Don’t drive yourself insane with research. Yes, prisons are understaffed but at the end of the day he is getting 3 meals a day with a roof over his head, legally entitled to clothing, showers and healthcare, and legally entitled to 30-45 mins of fresh air a day, he’ll have a tv and maybe an xbox etc if he behaves well, and most prisons have libraries and gyms. There’s a reason why some people call them holiday camps. He will be fine. He is not your responsibility.

There is a small chance he will be raped or beaten up, whereas there was 100% chance that he would continue to abuse you. So it is safer for everyone for him to be locked away. You deserve to be free and happy.

You are so strong for standing up to him. YOU didn’t get your family in trouble, HE DID.
File for a restraining order for you and your family so he can’t attempt to call you or send you mail while in prison.

[FlowersAfterFloods]

As another person said, your brain and body will wait until it knows you are safe until it will allow you to process trauma.
It does sound like ptsd, I also suffer from bad dreams and constant flashbacks. I do believe that its normal to have a delayed response. When I left I was indescribably happy, so relieved, it took me a few months to get down from that high of finally being free, for the horrible dreams and flashbacks to start.
You’re not alone and you will get through this.

[FlowersAfterFloods]

@ Auriel – Thanks for your reply. Exactly. I think he got a thrill out of getting me to do things that sexually hurt me, or by pressuring me to have sex while I was very ill. He did also look on my phone multiple times and then gaslit me into believing that I showed him my phone while I was asleep. He had all my phone and laptop passwords yet I wasn’t even allowed to touch his phone. I can’t believe I let that happen, I feel so embarrassed.

@ Shocknawe – Yes same. He abused drugs and if the things he told me are to be believed, he did have somewhat of a traumatic childhood, and threatened suicide a lot. He even made me ‘hide’ from him a rope he bought to kill himself. He never lost it with me in public, but he would have arguments with me in private rooms while visiting family, which was hard because I had to go back into the main room and pretend as though nothing had happened. The constant paranoia was really hard to deal with. The thing with people with personality disorders especially ASPD is that they are very dangerous individuals and essentially can never be fixed or rehabilitated like a “normal” abuser might be. I hope he doesn’t hurt any future women he gets with.

[FlowersAfterFloods]

“He didn’t abuse his work colleagues, his friends or his relatives.”

Those words hit me like a tonne of bricks. That’s so important. Its true. He would do things for his friends and family that he wouldn’t do for me.

[FlowersAfterFloods]

I have bought ‘Why does he do that’ and ‘Living with the dominator’ and they are helpful, could you link any videos? I can’t find much on youtube.

I really appreciate your message, its easy for me to forget that I deserve love on days like this

[FlowersAfterFloods]

Hi Kip. We didn’t really have a first date as we got together (detail removed by moderator). There were red flags from the start such as rudeness and talking about his ex, but not abuse as far as I can remember. It took(detail removed by moderator) or so for the bad behaviour to turn into abuse.
He wasn’t abusive around other people, but he was rude to me, even his (detail removed by moderator) I had to do all the shopping etc.
He definitely targeted me but he was an all-round difficult person. He fits basically every trait you would see listed for anti social personality disorder.

[FlowersAfterFloods]

The thing you need to remember is that you absolutely deserve to live without abuse. It doesn’t matter how unhappy he might be, or whatever responsibilities he makes up for you eg bills. Your safety and wellbeing is top priority.

The majority of abuse is intentional, he could have made the choice at every stage to be kind to you, and yet he chose otherwise. So yes, he is hurting you on purpose.

I don’t think you are hurting him, merely his ego. He is annoyed that he is losing control, he’s not sad about the relationship. Even if you were hurting his feelings, so what? He took your home and your freedom, hurting his feelings is not half as bad as what he did to you.

You seem like a very kind person and I hope that your solicitor does a great job and gets as much as they can for you. You deserve to start over somewhere safe and find happiness.

[FlowersAfterFloods]

Thank you. I’m just really trying not to become prey again but the new man I met has broken my heart. Feeling very alone today.

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