gladtobefree

[gladtobefree]

Thank you all for your help and advice.
I am going to make it very clear to authorities if it gets that far that I also have two othwr children that are not anything to do with him and they also have a right to a fresh start and feel safe and happy in our new home.
I think it gets very over looked by my ex and his family that my other children also have rights to a normal secure life. My eldest son is an adult now and my ex actually got aggressive to him before we separated. He was also aggressive to my younger autistic son. This was not taken further yet is still a point im going to make for their well being.
I really hope the police can at least speak to him to make him aware that he has no reason to know our address xx

[gladtobefree]

I have no idea why someone would put that all over social media and not realise it isn’t going to help matters. He was emotionally abuse more than anything and that is why its been so hard to get anything in motion for him to not make contact.
I felt so much better when I hadn’t heard anyhing from or about him xx

[gladtobefree]

Hi
I spend half my time feeling guilty over past mistakes and the fact I feel I could have done things differently but the only thing you can do is move on from it. I know that is so difficult but guilt will eat away at you. I found it difficult to discipline my children due to feeling guilty and it didn’t help matters. Children are far more resilient than we think and it plays on our minds more than it usually does theirs.
In regards to you. Please give yourself a break. Being in an abusive relationship makes us different people to who we would be on the outside looking in. Our minds are so scrambled at times and confused due to the abuse that it’s hard to know what to do and no doubt he made you feel guilty if you did try and make a stand.
Just remember that you are not there now and you can’t change what has happened. You can be happy and free from it now and don’t let this person in your past take any more of your head space xx

[gladtobefree]

Hi and welcome to the group.
I’m sorry to hear what you have and are still going through. All I can say is that any form of contact just feeds them even if it’s negative. I have a baby with my ex so I know it’s not always as simple as that. Abuser just use people, pets, finances and all things just to be able to carry on the control. My ex try to ignore me in regards to our baby and then as soon as I realised he was just using her to play a game I made a stand and told him I don’t want him to contact me directly anymore and to take the matter the court as mediation advised. It is also the peace of mind and the head space. Without contact things do still play on my mind but it is much less than before.I would become extremely anxious and unhappy when I knew I was meeting him or even when talking over text xx

[gladtobefree]

When I was pregnant with my second child. I was in an abusive relationship. My eldest child went to his dad’s at weekends so I had so time to myself and I also had to make a big decision because I honestly knew that I would be raising my baby alone and would then be a single Mum to two children and would not have the support of my baby’s Father. I was very young and was at college at the time. I did report him to the police and it took 84 calls and in the end he was sent to prison and I was moved house immediately. I moved to an area away from what I knew and where I grew up and didn’t drive or have any friends there. At the same time my parents had also moved (detail removed by moderator) hours drive away from me. I was nervous and heavily pregnant when I moved. I had my first son very early so there was a high chance that I would have another pram baby and that was the case. My point is that I did it and as nervous and alone I felt at times I want to tell you a story. After the birth of my second son, My Dad came down to stay for a bit and when he drove off, I cried my eyes out and I felt like I wouldn’t cope but that night when I sat on my bed breast feeding my baby, my other son was watching pop idol with me and turned and said “Mummy, one day I will be on here and I will win and give you all the money and you will be happy” it was in that moment that I felt completely content.
It was one of the hardest times of my life and it was also one of the best as it really did make me strong.
I couldn’t go through with a termination even though it was something I had to consider and no matter what you decide, know that you made the decision that you felt was for the best xx

[gladtobefree]

It’s so normal to feel how you are feeling. I’m sure that most the women on this forum feel the same or did at some point. It’s all part of the abuse. They make us feel that we can’t be without them. My last relationship was not my first abusive one so I did get past that part quite quickly because I could look back and remember how I felt about previous partners and realised that once I moved forward emotionally, I no longer missed them but at the time I remember feeling heart broken.
Even years later I realised that when I had got over thinking about them, they would pop up in some way and confess that they missed me or regret what they did. I knew they wouldnt change and by then I didnt miss them anymore so found it easy to reject their advances or guilt trips about how upset they were without me. It will hurt and it will be upsetting but it will get easier and eventually you will feel happier without him xx

[gladtobefree]

The advice from Flowerchild is very accurate.

I was here many times. Told that he needed help and he felt like a weight had been lifted now that we had spoken about things. It was all just part of his game. When I revealed his behaviour he just switched it to me helping him with his problems. He told me he couldn’t have children and he knew I wasn’t medically in a position to fall pregnant due to previous pregnancies and yet here I am with my baby and we are not together. As soon as he had the firm hold of me Mothering his child, he pounced at the vulnerability and became someone much worse. I wouldn’t be without my baby but he uses her as a way to carry on control. It has taken me a while to put my foot down and set firm boundaries which have now led to no contact.
I always felt like something wasn’t right and I think you should always trust your gut instinct xx

[gladtobefree]

Thank you so much for your reply. I have spoken to him in regards to what ifs and as you said, I already thought he may blame me for taking him home and already said to him that although if I hadn’t had found him then a few minutes later he wouldn’t be here, I’ve also said I’m glad I took him home so that my daughter didn’t find him that way. I am just going to take one day at a time but I needed to speak to someone/anyone who wasn’t involved in the situation. I am very sad that even if he means the sorries and will change, that it took something like this and wasn’t a change he made for us. I have had several arguments arguments him about being selfish and not thinking how his actions make others feel and now we are all in such a horrible situation x

[gladtobefree]

Thank you for writing.
I am so torn because my little girl adores him. He has been an a*se to me and selfish beyond belief but him and my daughter are so close. I am also very close to his Mum and stepdad and my head is all over the place. He is very remorseful and is apologising for not treating me right and says he will never act like that again and I saved his life but inside I still feel so much pain and his behaviour that night had been argued so many times and he still chose to go out and act like that after so many promises that he wouldn’t x

[gladtobefree]

Thank you for the support. It helps so much to be able to chat on here xx

[gladtobefree]

Thw police have said that it isn’t enough to act on and said I coukd go for an order for him to not make contact so I called the helpline and they said it will most likley be refused due to him not directly asking me for my address and even though he has put it on social media it isn’t direct contact. They have offered to send a warning letter. Sometimes I feel like things haven’t improved much from years ago. I can say from experience that mental abuse is far more damaging than physical and in no way am I taking it away frkm anyone who has suffered violence as I also did myself in a previous relationship too. I find the emotional stuff is more difficult personally and also harder to have anything done about it. Even will it being clear that someone is being manipulative xxxx

[gladtobefree]

Thank you Iwantmeback

I have reported and they are going to visit me. I can’t see what paper work he would even have as surely a court would locate me and if mediation then they have my details as in phone number and email address? So I’m unsute of what else it could be. Surely a court would not advice that he tracks me down xx

[gladtobefree]

Thank you
Is this a reportable thing. The police are not always helpful. He has said that the paperwork is in regards to baby, It makes no sense though. We were exempt from mediation but court has to be applied to within 4 months or back to mediation. Is there a way he would have applied without mediation again? also my anxiety is making it hard to think clearly, surely the court would find me new address and send me a court hearing date and not him that would have to forward paperwork to me? xx

[gladtobefree]

Hey
Sorry for the late reply.
When I was first with my ex and wanted to end the relationship, he did the guilt trip and sobbing but as soon as I became pregnant and even more when I had the baby. He was arrogant and acted like he was the one who wanted to leave. In a matter of hours he would go from upset when I wouldn’t react to cold when I got upset. He literally enjoyed me being hurt. I on purposely didn’t text when he stormed out and sure enough for a text but when I would ask him not to go he would revel in it and be more adamant he was leaving. It was so obvious to see that it was all ego boosting for him so all the feelings I previously had of guilt were not there anymore. I see his game very clearly. He acted the doting Dad to his friends and family and when he thought it would get him attention yet he has no real interest. The reason I’m saying this is because he probably wouldn’t care less if he see your dog or not but it makes him look caring and at the same time is control. They love to have an attachment as an excuse to keep playing games. What a boring life they lead. I really hope things are improving for you xx

[gladtobefree]

I’m so glad he hasn’t paid me. I would rather have to provide everything myself and have the peace of mind that he has given up his games and is leaving us alone. Mediation was classes as not suitable for us and he said he made a court application but there has been no papers and it’s been over 4 months so he has to start the process again and go back to mediation. I had a lovely day for my child’s Birthday and then my ex’s Dad and Sister turned up in the evening after a year and were acting all nice. It upset me bit I welcomed them in and acted normal. They are more interested in the pub scene that to make a regular appearance so I chose my battles wisely on that occasion. My eldest Sons Grandad is the same and I realised how similar. He shows up every year or so and gives you all the emotional he should make more of an effort and then doesn’t so I just smile and act polite when he shows up. My ex’s family sent cards and the contents were all emotional and sad stuff which annoys me as I don’t know why anyone would want a child to read that stuff but they make everything about them xx

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