Grey Rock

[Grey Rock]

Hiya – sorry, no. No kids in my case xx

[Grey Rock]

Hi. I’m sorry for what brings you here, but glad you found the forum and are posting.

What you describe sounds very familiar. Abusing comments, gaslighting, isolating you, video cameras to monitor and control. Coercive control is illegal. Abusers don’t go back to being their person they pretended to be at the start. Googling the cycle of abuse might be useful. Please do reach out for support from your local Domestic Abuse charity or Women’s resource centre. If you live somewhere very isolated perhaps it would be easier to speak with your doctor who can put you in touch with an appropriate organisation.

Please don’t expend too much precious energy trying to unravel the history of this relationship just now. That can all be done with support (maybe through doing the Freedom Program?) later on. Likelihood is that you’re physically and mentally exhausted at the moment just getting through each day, so any extra bits of energy need to be used for planning your future and safeguarding yourself.

Being unhappy is a good enough reason to leave. You are an adult and have human rights and are allowed to leave – he hasn’t got to like it.

Take care. And keep reading and posting on here. This forum really helped me when I was getting out / had just got out.

GR xx

[Grey Rock]

Just a little tip / warning for once you’ve moved! Avoid using a Facebook profile that he might recognise on Facebook marketplace. My ex managed to break the no-contact through something I posted for sale on there, even though he was blocked and I had my main profile settings all tightened to the max.

I left with just the clothes and emergency bag I could get in my car in ten minutes. Women’s aid helped me with some items I needed and I was able to apply for some grants to help with carpets and furniture that I needed through this website…
https://grants-search.turn2us.org.uk/

Good luck. Stay safe and play your cards close to your chest – tell him nothing.

GR xx

[Grey Rock]

No it isn’t you.

He is gaslighting you and being controlling and threatening (with the tracker).

Please do get in touch with your local domestic abuse charity. They will be able to support you (with both practical and emotional side of things).

In the meantime there are some things I’d suggest doing in preparation for leaving and to safeguard yourself:

Change all passwords and PIN numbers, even if you don’t think he knows them.

Ensure that he has no way of accessing your finances
Gather together any important documents and gradually get them out of the house to be stored somewhere safe (I kept mine under the carpet in my car boot)

Have a ‘spring clean’ and use this as an opportunity to move most essential items to a specific area of your wardrobe or in a separate drawer so you can get out quickly. Also make up an emergency bag to be kept somewhere safe. (I took mine out with a few charity shop donations that i collected together while ‘spring cleaning’)

Start making a log of all that he says or does – even hidden threats / ‘jokes’ that are actually nastiness / things that he says and does to isolate you from friends and family / accusations that he makes.

Do not tell him any of your plans or confront him about his behaviour. Make your reactions to him as boring as possible – they thrive on controlling our thoughts and emotions as well as our actions. Dr Ramani has some very useful videos on YouTube but if you’re reading / watching anything DA related then cover your tracks. Watch / read when he’s nowhere near, and clear your search history after any searches online.

You can get out. It’s not easy but it’s possible and well worth all the effort and upheaval.

GR xx

[Grey Rock]

Hi Blueberry

I only just saw your post. Hoping he drank himself to sleep and that you’re okay.

Please do reach out for help. This is no way to live, and you know that he’s not going to change.

I know leaving is really scary and not easy, but you deserve to live safely and in peace.

GR xxx

[Grey Rock]

Things my ex made up:

His mum was really ill (she’d only phoned the day before to advise not to contact or listen to him and that he’s dangerous and obsessive and always had been)

His cell mate had died

He’d taken an overdose

He’d had a heart attack

Next doors cat was poorly while he was looking after her and he didn’t know what to do.

His AA sponsor was in hospital and he needed support

Blah blah blah

All lies.

All intended as FOG (fear obligation and guilt) inducing manipulation and hook me back into dialogue. Some of these worked and each time once I’d been hoovered he was back to verbal abuse very very quickly.

Before I felt able to block his number I renamed his contact details so that any calls and texts came up on my phone as DO NOT TRUST THIS MAN. My life became much easier once I’d blocked him though, and easier again once I’d changed my number.

GR xx

[Grey Rock]

Well done. It’s a hard step to take but so worth it.

My tip is don’t underestimate the lengths he’ll go to to reel you back in. Expect coercion and lies and threats. This is why blocking is the best way to stay safe from their manipulation and bullying. They don’t just control with fear, but with obligation and guilt too.

Make sure that all passwords and PIN numbers have been changed to protect yourself from financial abuse too. It’s probably worth getting a camera doorbell just in case too as you’re not changing address. And check your social media settings, and then check them again! Make sure everything is on the tightest possible setting.

And don’t feel bad. You’re not punishing him and ruining his life, you’re protecting yourself (and your child) and reclaiming your life. You deserve to be free and live in peace.

GR x

[Grey Rock]

That all sounds pretty hard to be coping with.
Have you done the Freedom Program at all? Maybe that’s an option? I think i read somewhere that they’re also running kids / teens versions of the program too but i don’t know anything about that personally.
I definitely benefited from talking with ladies who’d experienced similar to me, and did Freedom Program then Freedom Forever Program.

GR x

[Grey Rock]

Not silly at all.
I remember realising (after I’d got away) that I was still doing supermarket shopping like a race every time, getting stressed about any little holdups or delays, and once I’d realised I could then make s conscious effort to take my time and browse if I felt like it. When with my ex if he ‘let’ me shop on my own he’d be texting within 5 mins of my leaving the house, and always complain id been a long time and quiz me about whether id seen or spoken to anyone while out . On a bad day he’d sniff me and say he ‘knew’ id been with someone (in 20 minutes as well as getting the groceries??!!). I felt like I was being unreasonable at the time because I didn’t really want him to come with me, but didn’t want to go alone either because it would turn into a manic dash followed by an inquisition. Anyway – sorry for that little rant, I got carried away thinking about it – noticing these things gives us the chance to start changing them, which is all part of our recovery and self-healing, so not a little thing at all.

GR xx

[Grey Rock]

Please please don’t let the fact you went back to him put you off if going to Women’s Aid again now. They know better than anyone what the statistics are for people going back – these men are manipulative bullies who will say / do anything to get what they want and hook people back in. They’ll help you get away again by telling you what support is in your area and helping you to make a safe exit plan.

Whatever you do, don’t let on you’re thinking of going and cover any tracks well. A good start would be changing passwords and PIN numbers for everything and have s ‘spring clean’ – this will allow you to have essentials you need to take in one place ready to grab, and even sneak an emergency bag out in the guise of charity donations, and to locate important documents that you need to take with you.
Even if you don’t think you know when and how yet, at least if the 💩 hits the fan you’ll be prepared (mine couldn’t believe how quickly I managed to get out what I needed – under ten minutes) because I’d prepared well .
Don’t look at your previous escape as failed, but more of a learning journey.

Hugs
GR xx

[Grey Rock]

Hi. Well done for making that break. I was the same when I got away for a while. I found speaking with my contact at Women’s Aid was most useful as they have the understanding and experience there that friends and family aren’t equipped with, and I didn’t need to protect their feelings by missing bits out or pretending to be okay.

You no doubt have lots of hurt and trauma from this relationship that you haven’t yet processed and dealt with, so you’re not just going to bounce back straight away. BUT, and please believe me, this won’t last forever. You will get better and find yourself again.

Have you considered doing the Freedom Program? That was useful for me as I met lots of ladies who could understand as they’d been through similar experiences.
Lots of towns and cities have Women’s resource centres which have drop in groups too which might be worth investigating.

And this forum was very useful for too – it was my safe place for a while when I didn’t know who to trust in my old circle of friends.

Have you found Dr Ramani on YouTube yet? I found her really used for understanding what had happened to me and why I felt like I did.
These men are toxic and after we’ve been exposed to that poison we tend to be poorly for a while but we do recover as long as we don’t expose ourselves to more of it, so blocking is pretty crucial too.

Hugs
GR xx

[Grey Rock]

There is no way of knowing what they’ll do really. In the end I took the ‘hope for the best but be prepared for the worst’ approach.

I’d suggest speaking with your local Women’s Aid / Domestic Abuse support provider. They’ll be able to help you work out a safety plan (physical, online and emotional safety) and be able to point you in the direction of other support and Freedom Program / Freedom Forever programs that you could sign up to.

These men are expert manipulators and the cycle of abuse is a confusing one to be stuck in. Things keep changing so quickly it’s hard to think clearly when you’re in it. And we tend to give people chances (too many) and live in hope of them going back to being that person (the act) that we knew at the start. Treading on eggshells is mentally and emotionally exhausting, as is losing sleep at night and never having a clear head to think straight because we’re taken up with second guessing what has happened / will happen / reasons why is all happening. Not the best mindset for decision making.

Please be gentle with yourself. You did what you could with what you had at the time. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but you didn’t have the same understanding or clarity at your disposal when you were with him. Now us the time to learn everything you can to safeguard yourself in the future, and arm yourself mentally so you will recognise red flags in the future.

Freedom Programs and Dr Ramani were both invaluable resources to me at this stage. It was important for me to understand what had happened to me and my reactions to things. That understanding helped me to start healing.

Take care
GR x

[Grey Rock]

Sorry you’re feeling low. I think that at first when we get away there tends to be lots going on and to sort out, then when things settle there seems to be too much thinking time for painful thoughts and memories to go round and round.

Have you done the Freedom Program? If not then that might be worth looking into (mine was online one evening a week and the ladies in my group have all stayed in contact for continuing support network).

Also, if you are a reader then it might be worth reading the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.

I also found the Dr Ramani YouTube videos really helpful as I was mystified as to how or why anyone would be so unnecessarily vile to someone they supposedly wanted to be with. She really helped me make some sense of my experiences (also helped me be prepared for more nastiness that was still to come that I hadn’t even started to imagine he’d stoop to).

GR xx

[Grey Rock]

Omg! (detail removed by Moderator) are still at your place? Jeez! That’s a bit awkward isn’t it.
That said, it’s better than him still being there too. I agree, you def dodged a bullet there!

Good luck with getting his stuff and (detail removed by Moderator) back to him.

GR

[Grey Rock]

Just looking and Dogs Trust and RSPCA might be worth contacting for help with short term foster care for your dog x

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