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    • #147847
      Headspin
      Participant

      Thanks TS, it’s been a long week, but no I’m not concerned he might actually do it, I appreciate what you said though. It’s just the usual sort of madness I have lived with for decades. He just hates it when I dare to disagree with him and the huge over reaction on his part was shocking. Just get so sick of him and his abuse.

    • #145873
      Headspin
      Participant

      Thank you all, just needed to get things into perspective, I think post abuse it’s so hard to know what’s being said is true and what isn’t. We have decided to stop contact for a while, get my head together. I can’t be in a situation where I’m fretting about whether or not he’s contacted me.

    • #144024
      Headspin
      Participant

      Yes, hiding parcels is a big one, I have to get rid of all the evidence, wrapping etc. If I manage to buy myself something new to wear, I’ll lie about, claiming a friend gave it to me or I got it from the charity shop. It really gets me down that there is nothing normal at all about our conversations regarding finances, once he thinks he can’t control me, or I’ve asked too many questions he gets nasty. I had to buy something a couple or so years back, an item I needed. Of course I didn’t have the money, so went cap in hand to him, he lent me the money and I have had to pay him back over time, leaving me short. My friend was horrified when I told her, says it isn’t normal, I long for “normal”.

    • #143709
      Headspin
      Participant

      Only just read these replies as I haven’t been on here for a while, so sad that other women have gone through this abuse. Oh nbunblebee, that’s truly awful. Ugh it really is exhausting, the penny pinching, the questions if a parcel arrives for me, it just makes me feel so deflated all the time.

    • #141079
      Headspin
      Participant

      Thank you Lisa, appreciate your understanding words. It’s so exhausting. I will definitely look at that website.

    • #141058
      Headspin
      Participant

      Am so sorry you’re going through this. I also had this when the kids were young, he wasn’t going to be a “childminder” while I went to work, he wouldn’t go to work so life was very difficult. My heart goes out to you, I am now over three decades in with my abusive husband and have ended up caring for him as he has a progressive illness. If I could speak to my younger self, I would tell me to get out while I could. Look after yourself and seek help and support.

    • #136548
      Headspin
      Participant

      Thank you again everyone for your supportive and much needed comments. I called up the GP yesterday because my anxiety was off the scale, I literally couldn’t take a breath without my chest hurting. I got some meds and had a good sleep last night. I heard my husband ring one of our daughters to tell her about the meds, for what reason I don’t know but it just made me more anxious. I sent daughter A a long and heartfelt message about how sorry I am for what she witnessed and she felt so badly let down. She appreciated it and said she loved me and everything is ok. She also brought up some points about daughter B and I messaged daughter B, who just sent me a message saying she doesn’t want to talk about it. For reference daughter B has always been most like her father, she was incredibly supportive about in the beginning when all the abuse came out, I couldn’t have got through without her. However, she’s in therapy now and part of me wonders if the therapist is saying that I am also to blame. I know daughter A and B are talking about the therapy. I am beginning to feel victimised, as always happened throughout my marriage. I am not sure how much more I can take

    • #136427
      Headspin
      Participant

      Thank you everyone who replied, it’s so devastating. As soon as I think I’m back on track and coping with anxiety along comes something. I’m just beyond hurt, it’s all so deeply painful. I will try and look at the upside, there she is discussing it and she hasn’t before, I just didn’t expect her to say how much I’d got wrong. How I could have done better and how she wanted me to hold up my hands and take responsibility for the arguing.
      I’m so glad I can come on here and be listened to.

    • #136406
      Headspin
      Participant

      Thank you Kip, yes I’ll definitely try that line regarding only one person to blame. I completely get that what she witnessed must have been horrendous, but I think what makes me so mad is that he has never taken responsibility or been made to face up to his abuse. It’s only me who gets it in the neck as if I have to carry all his guilt and shame. She said she didn’t want to “Dad bash”. She talked about there being no food in the house, they had no nice clothes, no nice haircuts and I asked if she remembered me scraping my portion of food off my plate so they wouldn’t go hungry but there was always money for his booze. She kept saying I was being hostile towards him and that we were a team. I’m just in shock.

    • #134883
      Headspin
      Participant

      Ugh, there are so many that I would be here all night listing them. I think as others have said, it’s when your role as a mother is brought into question. It really hurts. My husband told me I was irresponsible for going to a mainstream church service with our adult son, who was really looking forward to it. His anger was off the Richter scale, it was unreal, he swore, shouted, threw things about, rang up members of our family and a health professional and gave a cock and bull story about why we were going. He managed to convince everyone that I was irresponsible. I had phone calls from my daughters yelling at me too. I was on my knees with stress, I thought I was going mad, my son too was in bits. He told everyone that I was telling my son he could be cured of an illness at church, such lies, I would never ever have said or implied such a thing. So his lies made me look horribly irresponsible.
      I was told I was irresponsible and thoughtless many times, either with the children or financially. Thankfully I know now that I am the opposite, but when you’re in the middle of abuse and he’s lined up his soldiers by lying to them, that’s when it hurts so badly.

    • #134882
      Headspin
      Participant

      I hear you, when my oldest was a teen, she was very difficult and would pick fights with me. She could be very inconsiderate and disrespectful, abuse in our home was so normal that I took it, although it made me very anxious. Now that she is an independent adult, we have spoken about her Dad’s (my husband’s) abuse, she has said that she feels guilty for some aspects of her behaviour towards me. All I can do is understand that her behaviour was an aspect of how she was kicking against his abuse. I know that she was just so angry with him (still is) but couldn’t express it and so turned on me, understandable and forgivable. I once read that children need love even when you feel they don’t deserve it.
      Regarding wet towels, clothes lying around, if she has her own room, get a huge basket and put everything in there and then into her room for her to sort through. You must be under enormous strain, try and take time for yourself if that’s possible. You will get through this.

    • #134309
      Headspin
      Participant

      Thanks bumblebee, just having an awful day, sometimes, there’s only so much meditation, praying, walking, counselling I can do. The memories are so strong.

    • #134306
      Headspin
      Participant

      Thank you everyone, had gone onto the forum to start a new thread and saw these messages. I know nbumblebee, it’s literally impossible to believe what we accepted and what we excused. I’ve finished counselling for now for financial reasons, but am doing EFT with a student who needs to build up their hours. It’s actually quite comforting to tell the stories again and again, but yes hearing them aloud, it’s surreal.

    • #133041
      Headspin
      Participant

      Thank you for responding. Yes, Eggshells, you’re right, an abuser will never allow the home to be safe and welcoming.
      Mime, I’m so sorry to hear about your situation, I can only imagine how hard and hurtful this must be for you. It must be very difficult for your children to understand, but then that’s the whole mess of abuse, it hurts so many people.
      Bettertimesahead, I like your title (inspiring!) How lovely that you can relax in your own home nowadays, an entitlement sadly lacking with abuse. I know what you’re saying about wishing you’d ended things sooner, glad you’re going forward though.

    • #131865
      Headspin
      Participant

      Ah yes, “fog” is the right word, it’s so true that the abuse is hard to see. How I’ve survived this long is anyone’s guess, just feel so sad for my daughters. Thank you Eggshells.

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