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Hi Caledonia6, I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds horrible and similar to how my husband behaved.The criticism and belittling is a tactic they use to undermine you. Then they’re nice again and it’s so confusing. Weirdly, my husband loved being the big shot with other women too. it must stroke their ego. I wish I’d got out of the marriage years ago, look after yourself and know that you deserve better

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Don’t feel ashamed for using that word. Abusers bring out the worst of our vocabulary, X

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Hi StrongLife are they adult children?

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My heart goes out to you and only you can make the decision whether or not to go. No they don’t change, my tolerance for his behaviour is lower than it ever was, I’m stuck with him because I am his carer. How I wish I had left him and not wasted my life.

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This is so sad to read and I am very sorry that you’re going through this. I was in a similar situation, at first my adult daughters supported me, then did a U turn and it shocked me to the core. I was completely devastated. All I heard from them was that I was the sane one (meaning their Dad was crazy) and that I should have left/protected them/not had more children to bring into our dysfunctional family. It literally broke my heart. I had more therapy, medication and I have come through. I have a really good relationship with my daughters now but it was hard work, but stay focused and on a mission to earn your daughters’ trust.

Of course, all relationships are different but I can tell you what worked for me, if that’s of any help to you. I stopped contacting them unless it was something positive, even a simple picture of one of my pets, a meal I’d made, not asking questions, even “how are you?” meant I wanted a response. When one of my daughters wanted a meaningful conversation I started to listen and not talk about how it was for me. I learned to say “I’m sorry that must have been awful for you, it must have felt as if I wasn’t listening to you”. I kept acknowledging her feelings and affirming how awful the arguing and chaos must have been. There was a great book I read at the time, can’t remember now, will look it up and post the title. It was about how to stop an argument from escalating, how to listen. I stopped saying anything negative about their Dad because that was hurting them and after a while it didn’t seem relevant. I learned that my adult daughters have their own lives and issues, they don’t want to hear Mum complaining about Dad.

My daughters really needed to believe that their Dad was a hero, they couldn’t face the fact that he had abused us all, mentally, physically and financially. It was just too much for them to comprehend. It hit home to me when one of my daughter’s told me that she want a “Mum and daughter relationship”. They wanted their Mum back.

You must be going through the most hideous pain, there’s nothing as bad as being rejected by the ones you love. Take courage in your truth and the love you have for your girls and please look after yourself and practice self care.

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Thanks TS, it’s been a long week, but no I’m not concerned he might actually do it, I appreciate what you said though. It’s just the usual sort of madness I have lived with for decades. He just hates it when I dare to disagree with him and the huge over reaction on his part was shocking. Just get so sick of him and his abuse.

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Thank you all, just needed to get things into perspective, I think post abuse it’s so hard to know what’s being said is true and what isn’t. We have decided to stop contact for a while, get my head together. I can’t be in a situation where I’m fretting about whether or not he’s contacted me.

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Yes, hiding parcels is a big one, I have to get rid of all the evidence, wrapping etc. If I manage to buy myself something new to wear, I’ll lie about, claiming a friend gave it to me or I got it from the charity shop. It really gets me down that there is nothing normal at all about our conversations regarding finances, once he thinks he can’t control me, or I’ve asked too many questions he gets nasty. I had to buy something a couple or so years back, an item I needed. Of course I didn’t have the money, so went cap in hand to him, he lent me the money and I have had to pay him back over time, leaving me short. My friend was horrified when I told her, says it isn’t normal, I long for “normal”.

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Only just read these replies as I haven’t been on here for a while, so sad that other women have gone through this abuse. Oh nbunblebee, that’s truly awful. Ugh it really is exhausting, the penny pinching, the questions if a parcel arrives for me, it just makes me feel so deflated all the time.

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Thank you Lisa, appreciate your understanding words. It’s so exhausting. I will definitely look at that website.

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Am so sorry you’re going through this. I also had this when the kids were young, he wasn’t going to be a “childminder” while I went to work, he wouldn’t go to work so life was very difficult. My heart goes out to you, I am now over three decades in with my abusive husband and have ended up caring for him as he has a progressive illness. If I could speak to my younger self, I would tell me to get out while I could. Look after yourself and seek help and support.

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Thank you again everyone for your supportive and much needed comments. I called up the GP yesterday because my anxiety was off the scale, I literally couldn’t take a breath without my chest hurting. I got some meds and had a good sleep last night. I heard my husband ring one of our daughters to tell her about the meds, for what reason I don’t know but it just made me more anxious. I sent daughter A a long and heartfelt message about how sorry I am for what she witnessed and she felt so badly let down. She appreciated it and said she loved me and everything is ok. She also brought up some points about daughter B and I messaged daughter B, who just sent me a message saying she doesn’t want to talk about it. For reference daughter B has always been most like her father, she was incredibly supportive about in the beginning when all the abuse came out, I couldn’t have got through without her. However, she’s in therapy now and part of me wonders if the therapist is saying that I am also to blame. I know daughter A and B are talking about the therapy. I am beginning to feel victimised, as always happened throughout my marriage. I am not sure how much more I can take

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Thank you everyone who replied, it’s so devastating. As soon as I think I’m back on track and coping with anxiety along comes something. I’m just beyond hurt, it’s all so deeply painful. I will try and look at the upside, there she is discussing it and she hasn’t before, I just didn’t expect her to say how much I’d got wrong. How I could have done better and how she wanted me to hold up my hands and take responsibility for the arguing.
I’m so glad I can come on here and be listened to.

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Thank you Kip, yes I’ll definitely try that line regarding only one person to blame. I completely get that what she witnessed must have been horrendous, but I think what makes me so mad is that he has never taken responsibility or been made to face up to his abuse. It’s only me who gets it in the neck as if I have to carry all his guilt and shame. She said she didn’t want to “Dad bash”. She talked about there being no food in the house, they had no nice clothes, no nice haircuts and I asked if she remembered me scraping my portion of food off my plate so they wouldn’t go hungry but there was always money for his booze. She kept saying I was being hostile towards him and that we were a team. I’m just in shock.

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Yes it’s a terrible feeling, I won’t miss him one bit. Time away from him is Heaven, I hate how he’s treated us. Yes, like your abuser, mine will never be happy

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