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    • #89460
      HeasvHeart
      Participant

      I really hope it happens for many more of us soon. It’s really hard to get through the desperate times and it really does feel like it’s a mistake and life couldn’t possibly be any better without them. When I used to read updates about how free people felt, I just couldn’t imagine it and I felt like I had put myself in a sad and lonely position that I didn’t need to be on….even though I did and it was right to go through it.
      I used to think I’d got my relationship wrong but it’s amazing how much more you realise when you are clear and away from it.
      This forum helped me so so so much and we should all keep posting (someone on here can always help and always has experience of the same thing) xxxx

    • #89123
      HeasvHeart
      Participant

      I can totally relate to how unbearable and scary this feels.
      The CAB give free advice and so do lots of other places so hopefully you can get some help without it costing you much or anything.
      Xx

    • #89119
      HeasvHeart
      Participant

      Hey reborn
      Unless it’s a joint debt or you jointly own the property, it’s nothing to do with you.
      Go and speak to the CAB, they will know everything and advise you for free.

    • #89011
      HeasvHeart
      Participant

      Hi Dancing in the rain
      I have felt exactly the same as you and I did get that from this forum mostly if I’m honest. I went to my therapist crying about it and struggling to comprehend how everything had just been a lie and for so so long.
      The therapist told me what I was saying was not correct and that they do love in their own way. They truly believe they are in love with you.
      So please take some comfort from that. Just because it’s not necessarily how we would love, it doesn’t mean they didn’t / don’t love us.
      Xxx

    • #83919
      HeasvHeart
      Participant

      It’s ridiculous isn’t it – almost pointless really.
      I do have friends who would do that for me but I feel I know enough just by knowing there is something.
      I will never return to him so I just need to focus on getting better xxxx

    • #83918
      HeasvHeart
      Participant

      There is a history of abusive relationships in our family so I think some of it has been normalised for some, or they just dont want to admit what it is because that’s admitting their own abuse that they have not dealt with.
      My therapist is amazing – she specialises in domestic abuse and is a survivor herself.
      This forum, my therapist and a few friends are saving my life right now.
      I am not suicidal but for the first time in my life, I’ve understood how lonely, helpless and pointless it can feel.
      Xxxx

    • #83904
      HeasvHeart
      Participant

      Ladies I am so sorry for not replying sooner. I have been quite poorly and my therapist thinks I have ptsd – every day gets worse at the moment but not because I want to go back, because I realise what he is like and what he has done.
      I am looking back at the person who joined here months ago, who thought her story wasn’t as bad, we’d ended amicably blah blah blah, almost ignoring when people said watch out for what he does now it’s over (and for that I am sorry), but he proved me wrong anyway. He tried to contact me and I ignored him, he went through a family member and it made me miss him but I still didn’t contact him, I asked my family and friends not to tell stuff about him and one family member took that as an opportunity to tell me he’s met someone else.
      I’ve told my family this is triangulation and just one of his ways of hurting me, I currently find myself about to cut off family members as they say I am making it out to be something it isn’t. I took a million steps back last week and I realised I may need to stay away from family who do not support me. I know that if I have to do that I won’t be able to forgive that once I am stronger and better- I will think no you weren’t there for me at my worst so you dont get me now.
      On a positive he and his family are removed from all contact and he is blocked, but still calling me – scarily he realised within hours that I’d blocked him.and was calling me from withheld.
      Any way the moral.of the story is they are all the same, listen to the ladies who have been through it, their advice is spot on
      Sorry to anyone I’ve not listened to or said no not me.
      On a positive note I am doing some sponsored events to raise money for women’s aid and hopefully do something good and positive.
      I hope everyone is doing ok – sending love to all xxx

    • #81492
      HeasvHeart
      Participant

      Ok so this is what ladies mean when they say they are triggered, I never really knew what it meant. KIP it makes absolute sense because he has no idea that I am in the process of getting and setting up a new home and although I know I don’t have to tell him there is part of me that feels guilty because for so long he has shared everything with me.
      Thank you Eggshells, I am watching a film. I’m usually so good at forcing myself up and being active. This has really knocked me for 6. I have lavender spray so I will try that now.
      When I read everyone else’s posts on here I always think my experience and journey is not as bad but I think maybe I am being naive about the effect this has had and will have on me for a long time.
      Thank goodness I have you ladies otherwise I would not know what is going on or how to deal with it.
      I am having therapy but she is on holiday…. how inconveninent â˜ș
      Xx

    • #80656
      HeasvHeart
      Participant

      Hi TrappedButterfly
      I have been in the same situation as you but something always happened to make me see things for what they really are, just at the moment I would be having doubts about leaving.
      My ex thought that counselling, sorry and tears was enough, and if I’m honest so did I….. until he’d tell me to eff off or call me a name and not even be sorry or be working on it, just the same old justifications.
      He also told me recently that he told his counsellor he knew we weren’t right because I am too sensitive. I didn’t say anything but that was another thing that gave me strength as I knew he was taking no responsibility for the things he says and does.
      I don’t feel anywhere near wise enough to help anyone here but keep posting on because these ladies know what they are talking about and it will help you so much.
      I agree with everything KIP has said above and a few months ago I would have thought nooo not my guy, he’s different…but he really isn’t.
      Sending love and stay safe x

    • #80655
      HeasvHeart
      Participant

      Thanks ladies – this has definitely helped me (do my best to) just think about the future. Whats a few extra pound compared to peace and safety.
      Xxxx

    • #80322
      HeasvHeart
      Participant

      Thank you HopeLifeJoy
      I really do agree and your message did give me a boost and help me think more long term rather than short.
      Once I have my own home I am never getting rid of it, even if I want to move and live with someone again, I will keep as somewhere I know i can always go back to and be safe. And thats what I have to keep reminding myself. Money is just money isn’t it and at least this way it’s been calmer than it would have been. But even as I write that I’m a little annoyed thinking thats him having control and me just keeping the peace 😱
      Oh well i will soon have a new house and life.
      Hope you are ok xx

    • #80260
      HeasvHeart
      Participant

      Hi KIP x
      I did get legal advice and we have done things 50/50 but I was talked down from the average valuation (and I’d already gone in lower) and I was put under pressure one afternoon to value all the items in the house and now I’m thinking oooh that was low or if we sold it would we get more etc. That being said, at the time, and still to a point now, I thought the slightly reduced figure was better or possibly the same as paying lots of fees and waiting for someone to buy it (and I wanted to get out, more than I wanted to drag it out and see if we could get more for it). But now I’m feeling annoyed with myself as I am always (in all walks of life) the one who compromises too much.
      I can’t really/ don’t want to go back on what we’ve agreed as I may lose the house that I am moving to and it really is the right house and gets me away to start fresh anonymously – until I am ready to be sociable etc.
      I guess you can’t have it all and I just need to think about the new house rather than how much money I may or may not have done myself out of. And most importantly I will have peace of mind and be safe. There is no price for that is there, so I should be happy.
      Thanks as always
      Xx

    • #80001
      HeasvHeart
      Participant

      @twistedsister thank you so much for doing that for me, you helped put me at ease.
      Someone has called me today to say there is nothing to worry about but they will notify me formally once it’s all been processed.
      It’s tough because when we first got together he told me the police had spoken to him after an incident where he and his ex were arguing in the street and she said he’d pushed her over. I know this might not be the kind of thing they report on but as I have called the police out, I figured they would at least mention the incident that I got them out for.
      I guess they have to make a judgement call on how at risk we are and decide what to disclose.
      I wasn’t expecting anything awful but I was expecting a couple of incidents that were logged but not taken further.

      @hokeycokey
      I’m not sure if this helps you at all and all I would say is keep posting on here as the ladies are amazing and very knowledgeable. Keep safe xx

    • #79202
      HeasvHeart
      Participant

      Amazing news, congratulations!
      I can totally relate to the confidence thing, I didn’t realise I’d lost it until being more and more away from him and feeling more and more confident about little things that I hadn’t even noticed I wasn’t confident about.
      Good luck and enjoy – I’m sure you will be fab 😘 x

    • #79184
      HeasvHeart
      Participant

      It’s not my family I am annoyed with, it’s him, as I think why maintain contact with them but be horrible to me. It’s quite possible he was with them at the same time he was having a go at me. And i just think he should stay away from us all . Maybe I’m being unreasonable but I haven’t seen any of his family as I don’t want to involve them and also they are his family so their loyalty lies with him and rightly so.
      The 3rd party is good advice thank you. I need to think about who that could be as right now my family are on good terms with him and probably wouldn’t want to do that 🙁. I do have a friend who would do it for me though I think
      Xx

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