Hokeycokey

[Hokeycokey]

Hi. This kind of abuse is so insidious and has the effect of leaving you off kilter all the time. I’m sorry to hear how he’s treating you and how frustrated you feel.

Behaviour like this can sometimes be a sign that they have a cluster B personality disorder. ( Many abusers do) They can ONLY see things from their own point of view. Their view is the world view and so it’s futile to spend any time explaining your point and constantly trying to get him to understand. Sadly, He won’t.

Like you I had to think before I spoke , always checking that I was saying things he would be ok with. Trouble is , that’s impossible as they constantly twist things and move the goal posts. He loved to put me down and tell me that my mouth and brain were never in the same gear.

Thankfully I’m out now but the after effects are still hard to deal with. Once I understood that he would never be capable of seeing my point of view or caring about my feelings I found it easier to keep hold of my truth.

Keep posting and get as much information and support as you can. No one deserves to be treated like this. Take care x

[Hokeycokey]

Magistrates are extremely frustrated in DV cases. It is such a high standard of proof and often feels skewed towards the perpetrator. Believe me they’ve heard so many similar cases they ‘know’ when it’s happened but our judicial system is such that it is not very easy to prove “beyond reasonable doubt.”

Try to document as much as you can and remember to describe any thing that causes you harassment , alarm or distress. The prosecution should state the number of previous call outs for DV. This often gets missed and frankly , magistrates can’t unhear, what they’ve heard!

Well done for getting this far.
Take care x

[Hokeycokey]

Hi cornflower. You’re very courageous already. You are clearly doing your best to survive under what must be very oppressive circumstances if he’s also working along side you and has the opportunity to bully you at will.

Please do call women’s aid to get help with some of your questions. It will help you to gain a little control.

I escaped recently but only with the support of women’s aid, this forum and a very understanding GP.

Like you I was frightened by his anger and his rage because he would make threats to hurt me. I explained to my doctor and her reply really stuck. She said , you will leave him at some point because you can’t live your life being “on guard “ forever. She said if you leave him now or in 5 years time he isn’t going to like it and there will be consequences.

I couldn’t bear to think about being with him in 5 years because it was only ever going to get worse.. so I made careful plans over a few months and ended the relationship.

It’s really hard and it hurts like hell but I have peace of mind that’s priceless.

Take care and keep posting x

[Hokeycokey]

Hi FC. That’s very powerful…and took my breath a little, but I think you’re right!

I still find it so extremely difficult to accept that some people are inherently bad and will behave like this, even though I’ve experienced it; it’s just so far removed from how I would treat anybody. I’m not a pushover by any means but would never even think to be mean and destructive and so controlling to another person for fun…

😔x

[Hokeycokey]

Hi DIYmum.

Loved this post. Thank you. I’ve read various articles about abusive behaviours but I find some of them difficult to interpret in terms of my own experience. Words , like entitlement, get bandied about as a kind of umbrella term. Your post was brilliant because you’ve explained exactly what it means and given examples which are really clear and I can relate to.

Xx

[Hokeycokey]

Hi She-ra. You sound like such a strong woman. Well done for getting out and keeping your children safe.

I identify with those excruciatingly strong feelings in the days /weeks after leaving even though logically you’re very clear – as I am – you don’t want to be back in the relationship.

My counsellor has encouraged mindfulness at the times when I feel the emotion really strongly. Just be with it and know that it will pass. The acceptance seems to help and they’re becoming less frequent for me.

I agree that this is a difficult thing to speak about with the people who are supporting you. It’s helped me that you’ve posted so clearly about these feelings as I was doubting myself and feeling ashamed that I was having cravings for a vile man so I’d like to thank you for that. 😊

I’ve also been doing some decorating to keep myself distracted and I love my new space xx

[Hokeycokey]

Hi , such a positive message to us all – thank you x

[Hokeycokey]

Hi. It’s not needy being scared of abuse and not being able to see a way out.

All the replies are so right though about telling someone. It’s a huge step in taking back some power by hearing your voice describe what he’s doing. You’ll start to have some clarity instead of all the fog that you feel now.

I started to tell a couple of close friends who I knew cared about me. They were horrified at what had been happening.

Please call women’s aid they’ll listen for as long as you need – not judging. They’re brilliant and helped me end my abusive relationship which was escalating very quickly and I was terrified.

Take care. Xx

[Hokeycokey]

Hi Sunbeam.

This does sound like abuse and it’s the drip drip drip effect mixed with “nice” bits that keep us confused about what’s actually going on. It’s difficult to accept that the person we love can do this to us.

The grabbing breasts ( in private and in public) happened to me quite a bit. It was horrible and often hurt but he just made out he was being affectionate and, like Camel, I’d almost forgotten it. I hadn’t registered it as part of the abuse. I wonder how many of us have had such a personal invasion of our space and not even realised what it meant??

take care x

[Hokeycokey]

Thank you both so much for your wise and supportive words. I feel like I really can’t talk about this aspect to anyone so you have been really helpful. I did call NSPCC a short while ago but they sent me down the line of an SGO special guardianship order, which I thought was odd because I would remain linked to his dad.

It’s been the incredible lack of empathy he’s shown for his young son during his raging outbursts that made me recognise what a dangerous man he is to his nearest and dearest.

It’s just tragic that he was badly abused by the mum( no contact at all and I’ve seen disturbing evidence ) and then to have to suffer because of the less obvious, but just as damaging, abuse of his dad.

hopefully his son will be noticed by school or vote with his feet.

It’s good that you’ve reminded me that this man won’t change …. I keep getting huge cravings for contact but so far I’ve managed to sit in my hands!

Thanks again xx

[Hokeycokey]

Hi , I can really relate to this, especially spoiling any important event. Xmas, birthdays , planned meal out, party, in fact any time I might dare to be happy. He hated me being happy. Holidays were the worst. He booked a cruise during the love bombing phase then abused me the whole time. I thought he might throw me over board at one point.

I used to dread being invited anywhere by friends or family . The anxiety before had was awful and then the tension on the day would be horrendous.

You’re both right …. these men are cruel … and they enjoy it because they are empty and devoid of basic humanity .

[Hokeycokey]

Hiya – I love that 😀

I read this a lot – it helps …

“I am a woman with thoughts and questions and shit to say.
I say if I’m beautiful, I say if I’m Strong.
You will not determine my story – I will. “
Amy Schumer

X

[Hokeycokey]

Hi , and well done for getting out seeing clearly.😊 I think for many of us in this situation the thoughts about the person and the abuse can become all consuming.

I’m just a (detail removed by moderator) after I ended the relationship. Flowers came to my office (detail removed by moderator) and I felt sick.

For most of the (detail removed by moderator) year relationship he and what I now know was abuse , were all I could think about and naturally that’s ramped up this week..

I’ve really pushed myself to do some short bursts of mindfulness… I’m no expert but it creates new neural pathways. Just taking a couple of minutes to think about breathing – I also try and think of 3 things that I can see, hear, feel, smell and taste.. It helps to ground you in the present.

I’ve also pushed myself to take a short walk twice a day. Literally a few minutes can change your headspace and bring a little relief from the constant ruminating.

I’m off to buy some of those mindful colouring books today – all part of my self care plan.

Like you the ‘kindness’ was mixed with the abuse. Let’s try and be kind to ourselves now , because we know it’s authentic!

Take care x

[Hokeycokey]

Thanks everyone for responding. Xx

[Hokeycokey]

Hi there, It is always a bit tricky taking the plunge to join a forum like this , I joined just a few weeks ago. The ladies on here are very insightful and even if you don’t post much there is always lots of information to read and they really are supportive. There aren’t many people who understand our situation but everyone on here does and it helps so much x

[Hokeycokey]

Hi GMLB

I’m sorry you’re having such an awful time.

Kip is right about kids disassociating to go to a safe place in their minds. It’s an auto response for young children and shows that they’re affected by the abuse in the household. Your son is the same age as my partner’s son.

He has full custody ( which is totally beyond belief – mum neglected and abused ) but he conned everyone in statutory services and the courts. Now on an almost daily basis he emotionally abuses and rages at his son and he witnesses him abusing me. It’s horrific but all his other needs are taken care if so I know that no one will intervene.

Do you ever notice your son ‘switching off”? My partner’s boy will “go into a sulk”( says his dad before punishing him further in some way) for a long period of time and he just seems like an empty shell but I can see how troubled he is. I’ve noticed it’s often triggered by perceived critism or if he feels like he’s not been good at doing something.

I don’t live with my abuser. I’m terrified of his anger. He’s been physically and emotionally abusive for (detail removed by moderator) years and I’m ready to end the relationship however he’s a big powerful man and has made threats that “there will be murders” and he also has a (detail of weapon removed by moderator).

I have become very attached to his son , who trusts me and I feel enourmous guilt about abandoning him to a life of continued emotional abuse. It’s affecting my health with worrying about him. He’s such a lovely boy who’s not allowed to have any feelings, he can’t make normal childhood mistakes , (which is impossible) for fear of being punished, ignored for days or deprived of something etc so he lives in this world of anxiety and shutting down.

On a more positive note – my mum divorced my dad in the 7O’s due to abuse from my dad. I’ll never forget a primary school teacher saying to me that it must be awful being from a “broken home”…..I stood up and very proudly said “ my home’s not broken Miss ,… it’s mended!!!” AND IT WAS!

Now I’m in this situation I have enourmous respect and admiration for my mum …. she kept us safe and gave us peace of mind.

Take care xx

[Hokeycokey]

Hey fluctuating

A wedding without a fight ??… Goodness me that’s unusual 🥴

One thing I’ve noticed with my abusive partner is that he manages to spoil every important occasion by increasing his hostile and threatening behaviour. Xmas day , every birthday including his own and his sons, meals out, gigs , weddings, parties.

Anything where I’m upbeat and happy seems to invoke a drive in him to suck the joy out of me. I was starting to feel concscious and wary of being happy?! It’s just crazy ! ( and now I make an effort to laugh and joke as much as I possibly can when i’m with friends)

I’m really sorry that you’re in this kind of limbo situation. It’s horrible. I feel exactly like that and at times it can feel worse than the drama of the abuse…

I love the ‘hope’ comment – it’s what we have to keep clinging on to to get through xx

[Hokeycokey]

Hi Fluctuating,

I think you’re describing a fairly common situation in that when they are appearing to be nice and being more like you’d expect a partner to be it makes us feel like ‘the bad guy’ if we still feel like we need to leave. You really don’t sound like the bad guy at all to me and I’m sure you have a thousand reasons to leave him.

I’m in a similar situation in terms of him being nicer than usual( well, for 5 weeks) . I’d decided to tell him it’s over but I just can’t seem to do it ( fear of violence , guilt , attached to and worried about his son). Like you, fleeing abuse seems more ok than just ending it because I can’t get over pain he’s already inflicted.

I feel like i’m wanting him to kick off so that I can finally end it. I know how crazy this sounds and certainly more risky.

Has anyone else felt like this?

Lots of luck to you as you move forward….

[Hokeycokey]

Hi everyone

Im new and a little nervous. I’m in a long distance relationship with my abuser so I feel a bit ashamed to be on here when I read some of the awful situations some women are In especially when they’re married.

Despite the 200 miles between us i’m terrified to end the relationship. He’s threatened that there “will be murders”. He has a crossbow.

He has turned up at my house several times out of the blue as if to show me that he can. Sometimes he has arrived drunk and driven with his young son.

The abuse is emotional and he has hit me once at a festival in front of hundreds of people. He is a big powerful man and his rages towards me and his sone are really threatening and scary. He’s spoiled every special occasion , birthdays , Xmas , holidays ….I was stupid enough to go on a cruise and he threatene to put all my clothing in the sea. He’s torn clothes before in temper..

Writing this I know how abusive he is but like many others he can also be generous and kind and funny. He’s asked me to move in with him and I keep making excuses not to as I know it would be dangerous.

I’m so stressed and feel permanently anxious but I know I must find the strength to end things sooner rather than later.

The added complication is that he has custody of his son and I have become very attached to him. Probability the empath part of me and I’m worried about him and the emotional abuse he also suffers in a daily basis.

Sorry for the long post (It’s definitely helpful writing this stuff down! ) and thanks for reading.

[Hokeycokey]

Hi HeasvHeart

I’m new on here and I’m in a long distance relationship. He is abusive and I’m terrified of him. I now know that he has been to prison in the past for violence ( not women). My local DVS service are encouraging me to use Claires Law but i’m scared that because he lives in another county miles away that the police will somehow contact him. He hates the police and any authority and being a “grass” gets you “served up”. I tried calling them once when he was going to drive while really drunk , with his child , but he became so aggressive and threatening that I didn’t. He left and drove 200 miles. I felt so terribly guilty about his child.

like you, I’d like to know what experience people have had with Claires law and if it has helped or hindered?

I am desperate to end the relationship which is making me ill. I have plans in place but still too frightened to end things because of his likely violent reaction to me and my family.

This site and all you ladies are a real inspiration to me. I’ve only just found it but i have already become stronger. thank you

[Hokeycokey]

Hi Falling Skys

Can I ask …. did you leave during a ‘good’ period or following an incident of abuse?

Sounds like you got out either way …. well done 😊

[Hokeycokey]

You’re right DIYmum.

We often do minimise their behaviour and it’s effects. I’ve told 4 close friends in the last few weeks as part of my leaving/safety plan. All of them were shocked and all of them have said how I describe an awful situation but I still manage to try and give a ‘fair’ account of him and stay too considerate of HIS needs and feelings….. I doubt very much that he would give me the same consideration to me …x

[Hokeycokey]

Hi Fudgecake

Yes I think so too. It really did give me strength today. I’ve even talked to a close friend this evening who had no idea what’s happening to me and she has offered some really helpful practical support with safety planning.

Thanks for responding ☺️

[Hokeycokey]

Thank you for responding HopeLifeJoy. It’s a big step joining a forum and now I feel very relieved to have some way to tell the truth when everyone around me thinks I’m in a fairytale …

Wishing you well in whatever situation you’re in 😊

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