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    • #30659

      I also think sometimes they blame us because they actually cannot see any wrong in their own behaviour. Which is pretty scary in itself. My ex would apologise but only if he felt under threat of me telling him where to go. He mastered the art of looking sincere whilst knowing he was off out later to carry on doing the very thing he was apologising for!!

      And now we are separated, on the rare occasion he apologises and I don’t react favourably towards him….his tone instantly changes along with his facial expression. Whereupon I look at him and think “yep, I knew you were in there all along”!!!

    • #30588

      Eve1……I am sorry you’re feeling this way. Sending big hugs to you.
      I haven’t read through all the posts so I’m not familiar with your situation but I do know that abuse is a very difficult thing to recover from. I’m just over (detail removed by Moderator) out from my abusive ex but I still struggle.
      I guess such is the control and damage they cause during our time with them. I can’t wait for my counselling to begin….I feel ready to get it out of my system and only look forward.
      Perhaps that is something that would benefit you too.

      Try not to think in terms of what others think of you or how they view you or your life. Life is hard enough and we don’t need affirmation from anyone else that we are doing the best we can.
      Sorry if I’ve missed a point through unfamiliarity of your situation. Just wanted to send well wishes and hope things feel better for you soon. Xx

    • #30583

      Thanks KIP.
      He accused his mum of abusing him as a child and recently said he’d lied about that. It was something that came up in mediation because I was refusing him over night contact at his mothers. (In fact I’m refusing him over night contact full stop…I don’t trust him enough!). Mediator asked me why and I told her it wasn’t my place to explain. Eventually my ex told her about the story re his mum and said he’d lied about it. I told her that I suspect he has lied and in that basis, is he someone I should be handing our child over to full stop!?!

      He’s now saying that I told the mediator and that I did so to be spiteful. But I was specific in NOT being the one to tell her. I knew if the words left my mouth, he’d instantly accuse ME of lying. That’s why I left the words to come out of his mouth. He is now saying it can’t be used anyway. That all things in mediation stays in mediation. Normally I know this is true, but I’m not sure if it applies the same when it concerns child safety issues.
      Social services now know of this lie re his mum but only because I’d told a counsellor and they reported it to social services. Ss were brilliant by the way when they contacted me.

      He’s making all kinds of threats to me and tho I’m good at being composed and dealing with him. Inside I feel nervous and sick. Even tho I know I’ve done no wrong….he does still get to me. I hate it.
      Just on a waiting list for some serious counselling now and can’t wait.

      Just want a peaceful life and it’s never been about cutting ties between father and son. I’m just not comfortable with how he is behaving and the effect it is having on our son. It is me that has to deal with the consequences of what he puts our child through. And it’s tough going. Really tough.

      Thanks for reading my rants and moans. So hard for most people to understand the dynamics involved. X

    • #30572

      Also….in recent months, I’ve had contact with someone who closely knows his ex before he met me. She is a family member of this woman and she told me that my ex physically harmed this woman. And then self harmed himself with a knife in front of the woman’s parents when they arrived to pick her up. I’ve always been told a completely different story about the scar he has and how the relationship ended. Surprising that isn’t it lol.
      What worries me is his penchant for getting rough with his partners. It took a couple yrs before he did anything to me. Started with behavioural intimidation. Then moved to pushing and shoving. Which got rougher each time. Then he started hitting until one night he went too far and caused me serious facial injuries that I had to lie about and say I fell down concrete steps.
      After that time, I found the courage to stand up to him a bit. When he was physically threatening, I told him to go ahead….but that I would call the police if he did it again. So….he learnt to punch holes through walls and doors instead.
      Sorry, I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned any of this in any of my previous posts.

      The point to saying all this is ……he may well not be harming his new woman yet. I suspect not, and I worry he will. Another reason I don’t want to relinquish our son over to the pair of them.

      I don’t know if he’s a serial abuser but I think he may be. I always believed I was partly to blame for what he did….maybe if I hadn’t wound him up etc. But knowing about his previous relationship has made me more aware that he’s possibly an abuser of the worst type. Yet what he presents to the world is an extremely likeable person. I doubt anyone who knows him would ever believe him capable of any of what he’s done to me.
      I don’t want my son to ever be in a position to witness anything at all. He has never seen violence at home with me, nor threat of violence. X

    • #30569

      Thank you kip and serenity.

      It takes such a long time to get out of the mind set these men put us in doesn’t it? He has been messaging me and done in such a way it’s quite obvious he’s planning on using the texts as proof of something. He has fabricated things and completely changed things around so it sounds like I’m the one who’s done the things he’s done.
      Fortunately, I’m not stupid and I’ve always been one step ahead. I’ve made sure there are witnesses to back up my side, always tried to never be alone when he picks up or drops our son off. He hasn’t always known that though, because my adult kids have stayed out of sight on the stairs eg.
      He is now claiming deep depression when I’ve stopped him access to our child. I have never stopped access. Bar a couple of times when our son has been ill and I have records of that. In those instances, I simply changed the access day to another for him!!
      I never interfere in his life, have no interest in it. Bigger things of my own to deal with right now and I’m happier without my ex in my life.
      I don’t think my son does feel guilty KIP as I’ve never said anything to make him feel bad about going to this other woman’s house. In fact before he left on the night in question, he was more than happily talking about it. It was in the space of the hour he was gone, he came home and just randomly lied about where he’d been. So I’m certain he isn’t uncomfortable talking in front of me. It felt very much like something had been said to him that made him not want to tell me. Poor little thing, he must be so very confused.
      My oldest daughter suggested I meet the other woman and maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad about my son going there. I won’t and I think she’s missed the point. The other woman is now me! She will have fallen for all my ex’s crap and she will not be thinking of anything other than keeping HIM happy. Which means my son will be going to a manipulative household and witnessing the very things I didn’t want him to grow up with. The reason I asked his father to leave last year.
      I want a complete break from my ex but sadly, we share a child so that’s his control now. And I believe he now manipulates through our son. Heard of this sort of thing before but never dreamt I’d be in same situation.
      Very depressing and upsetting. And all of this has definitely impacted on my ability to cope with treatment. Something my McMillan nurses are concerned with.
      Thank you for taking the time to reply because no one else quite understands the traumas involved with such situations. X

    • #29350

      The woman my ex is now with, did call me to ask questions about him. But she only did so because she had found out he had started seeing me again. I had no idea he was with anyone after we split up. In fact he’d been seeing her for several months before we parted, a fact she told me herself. Anyway…..I told her about him. His lies. His abusive ways. His controlling ways. How he manipulates. She was mortified. I then told her she would speak to him about what I’d disclosed….and he would convince her I’d lied or that I was a crazy ex…and she would believe him, such is the power of his control. Lots more was said, I can assure you, I didn’t sympathise with a woman who deliberately cheated on her husband, with my husband, as he dragged our son along to their rendezvous.

      Yep…..he went to her and told her I’d lied, I was a crazy ex. How do I know? He told me himself!! She believed him and is still with him. Now he’s still playing the good guy, just like he did for a long time with me. But he will get bored. She was TOOOO willing to play into his hands. He will look elsewhere soon. It’s in his nature.

      So I agree…these women won’t listen. No more than we would have if someone approached us with the same revelations. And the cycle of abuse continues.

    • #29290

      KIP, it was a bit of an impromptu chat with him yesterday so didn’t get a chance to organise recording stuff being said. And mostly, even when picking up and dropping our child off from an access day, I avoid any chat at all. Plus always make sure someone else is there as a witness.
      He tried his manipulative voice and face last night but it didn’t work. I stood my ground and invited him to do his worse. Whereupon he switched and pointed out to me that him telling me hrs after our son was born that he wanted to leave me…..finally leaving when he was a wk old for couple months….then again when our son was a little over two….was a reflection of how awful our marriage had been!! I smiled at him and said no….it wasn’t a reflection on our marriage at all, it’s a reflection on him and only him! Because each time it’s been because he was chasing after and had set up another woman.
      I refuse to allow him to get away with blaming me for his disgusting behaviours any longer.
      I didn’t think I’d survive without him. But I am. I didn’t think I’d survive the aggressive chemo. But I am. I didn’t think I’d survive the extensive (detail removed by moderator) radiotherapy sessions, but I’m halfway there….and surviving. And still managing to organise assessments for (detail removed by moderator).
      My ex can live his life with her, as he sees fit. I won’t let him abuse our child.
      I will definitely record things from now on. Thank you. X

    • #29284

      Ladies……thank you so much for all those supportive words. Felt quite emotional reading them, thank you.

      Our son IS my world and everything I do is based on how it affects him.
      I allowed his father his access day today, pointing out that I hoped he wasn’t planning on sharing access….again!!
      He returned our son at end of the day, with a massive lump on his (detail removed by moderator) with grazed skin too. He said he fell (detail removed by moderator) This he said in front of two of my adult children.
      I took him outside to speak with him about SS (detail removed by moderator). Conversation progressed to him saying that he could be really nasty and take me to court and say I was incapable of looking after our child now. I kept my cool and advised him to do just that (detail removed by moderator)
      Anyway, after he left, our son told me (detail removed by moderator), my ex had spent the whole day at the new woman’s home. And our son had been left unsupervised (detail removed by moderator)….hence the head injury!! And MY ability to care for him is in question lol.

      HA….I believe you are spot on with what you say regarding a new woman to assume care of our son, rather than it falling completely on his shoulders. Lazy parenting at its best.

      I have started to find more courage since my cancer diagnosis. And I don’t fear my ex in quite the same way as I did. I do generally have no contact with him, other than related to our child.
      It saddens me to see that he has no qualms in standing in front of our son and telling a blatant lie. I find that extremely worrying.

      I will be speaking to SS again next wk and plan on filling them in on the latest events, including how twice my ex has questioned my ability to care for our son whilst fighting cancer. I know the legal system looks unfavourably on fathers who pull this kind of stuff out of the hat.

      My oncologist is an amazing woman who has offered to write anything I request, to anyone, to ensure I have utmost peace to get well and raise our son accordingly.

      Again….thank you massively for such kind support. It really does mean a lot to me. And makes me feel stronger too ☺️

    • #21283

      Thank you womaninneed.
      I am fairly positive by nature anyway so… goes!
      I will be still posting re support dealing with my abusive ex. Whom I will keep this secret from as long as possible, simply because I pick my battles. And my survival is more important than that fool can ever be. X

    • #21256

      Thank you lover of no contact.
      I agree, I won’t spend all my time fretting about my ex. I have every intention of enjoying my family for as long as possible and I also have every intention of fighting this cancer too. Positive thoughts and prayers are what will help me through the tough times to come. X

    • #21253

      Sadly, results weren’t good. I do have a cancerous mass in my lung and it’s possible it has spread to my lymph nodes. Start tests next week and go from there.
      Sorry to bring a downer on here. Just really going to have to work hard now to ensure my son does NOT end up with his father if things don’t go too well with my health. Am going to spend the next week preparing a dossier on my ex’s psychotic behaviour and all the things he has done. My biggest fear isn’t even the cancer…it’s my ex getting our son. He will destroy our sons life and I know that absolutely. My ex has no empathy, no conscience, no guilt and no qualms about lying just because he can. And he is a physical person when pushed too. Jeeze…..I sure could use a break right now.

    • #20706

      I think for me it had been made harder because I really didn’t see these things coming. Perhaps I should have?
      When we split, I spent several months bereft and emotional. Then I made a conscious decision to move on. We still had contact because of our son, but I moved on.
      I just haven’t been able to come to terms with him tricking me during THAT time and fooling me into believing he really wanted to make a proper go of our marriage. I don’t understand it at all. He was in a relationship, they were expecting a baby, her husband had walked out on her when he found out, leaving them free to get on together. Why didn’t he just leave me to carry on with my life?
      I cannot imagine a more cruel thing to do to a long suffering wife, than what he did. Pretend he was free and single. Pretend he wanted to try again. Who does that? How could he look at our son and know he was playing a game with our lives?

      Mentally and emotionally, it’s that event that has completely messed my head up. Shattered my confidence and rocked my self esteem.

      Recently he called me to lecture me on the fact that as our sons dad, he has a right to know when I start seeing someone else. Yeah ok. I will grant him the same level of respect he gave me. Anyway, he reduced me to tears in that phone call.
      Then turned up the next day (access day) with a bouquet of flowers to say sorry for making me upset.
      Now I know the rest of the world would see that as right….kind even. Not me! I see it as the same man who would spend our marriage buying me flowers out of some manipulative act of ‘guilt’ and still treat me badly. He is still the same man even tho we are not together.

      I can accept our marriage is over. I do not want to go back there again. I feel free at last. So……why am I so broken about him having tried to woo me back under the guise of being a single man? Why has that really gotten to me? Crazy isn’t it. THAT is the thing that has pushed me to a breakdown almost. Maybe it’s because I can see NO reason why he felt able to do that. It was the cruelest thing to do.

    • #20677

      Sorry I haven’t been back to post.

      Thank you ladies for your replies. Serenity, I didn’t know about that and will look into it ASAP.

      Had my cat scan today and will have to wait a week for results. My gp didn’t want to discuss X-ray with me other than to say “well, that was a bit of a shocker wasn’t it?”!!!

      It’s my own fault. I’ve been a smoker most of my life, only quitting when pregnant and breast feeding. Never smoked in front of my kids but nonetheless smoked. And if I’m honest, I’ve smoked more in the past year my ex and I split up.
      How could I be so bloody selfish. I have a very young son to think of and I feel like I’ve behaved no better than his dad who has never put him first since he was born. Really hating myself at the moment.

      My family have been as supportive as they can be, given that we actually can’t know yet what’s going on.

      Will come back with the results when I know.

      Thank you ladies. Xx

    • #20673

      My husband cheated on me several times and I always managed to find acceptable reasons for why he did it. Like an idiot, I became pathetic at the thought of loosing him, I actually put up with it time and time again. Each time I forgave him I believed it would prove to him just how much I loved him, and he would love me more and treat me better.
      Looking back now I realise I was probably the laughing stock of where we lived, a small community where everyone knew everyone else’s business. Though since we’ve parted ways, lots of people have told me that they never understood what I saw in him and that I was too good for him.

      We parted almost a year ago and I never understood why he’d walked out. I suspected another woman but he swore on our sons life there was no one else.
      So I picked myself up and got on with my life. Actually started to enjoy life.
      Then he started ‘wooing’ me back. He took me out, bought gifts, sent me love songs, told me he wanted to try again and spent nights in my bed. After 6 wks of that, he came to talk about a reconciliation. Only instead he admitted that he wasn’t actually single anymore and she was expecting his baby. I asked him why he had lied to me and hurt me like this. He said he couldn’t just walk away from me because he still loved me. He still didn’t tell me the whole truth then. That I only found out when his new partner called me a month later to find out if he’d cheated on her with me!
      They’d been having an affair for at least a couple of months before we split up. He’d used our child to meet up with her and her kids behind her husbands back.
      She told me so many things, I felt sick to my stomach listening.

      The crux is…..he still continues to lie. I have long since turned my back on him but he’s so addicted to lying, he still does it. It scares me now when I look back at all the twisted things he did that I constantly accepted. He gave me infections that caused miscarriage and I still excused him.
      Now he’s moved on to his next prey and she has found excuses for his behaviour too. Her problem….I did warn her!!

    • #19864

      Hi bd
      I’m with falling sky’s on this……its soul destroying to realise that what you thought you had with the love of your life, was all based on lies. I still cannot get my head around how wrong I was in my choice of partner and father for our son.

      But I remind myself of how much of a lying front he put on, to be able to capture me that way. He made me feel that I NEEDED him to survive emotionally. I put up with everything just for the nice parts that I could kid myself meant more than all the bad parts. I didn’t realise that to feel better about life and in myself, I needed to leave him. I thought I just needed to hang in there for the trickle feed of niceties that would put me on a high for a while.

      Having our son was the wake up call I needed. If he couldn’t be decent for our sins sake…..he wasn’t worth my life anymore.
      In recent months he has tried his smarmy ways with me, despite having moved in with another cheating woman. But I don’t fall for it anymore. It does still make me feel good but it also makes me feel anxious. It’s that feeling that reminds me there would be nothing to gain by letting him in again.

      Stay strong my lovely, you’re doing so well. And you deserve so much more than that in life. Xx

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