iamme

[iamme]

No they won’t. By leaving, you will be showing social services and the courts that you are trying to protect your children.

Talk to someone at your local DV charity. Get them to help you plan for your safety. Statements from a DV worker can be used in court and it can help you get legal aid for a non molestation order.

We tell ourselves that they are mentally ill but they don’t behave like that with anyone else. I have a friend who is mentally ill and her behaviour when she is unwell is the same for everyone. You’re a loving, caring and nurturing person. It’s time to use that for yourself and your children.

Look after yourself, don’t reveal your plans to him or any of his friends. Keeping us isolated is how they warp our thinking to suit them. Reach out to DV workers, your GP, anyone who can help you. When you feel alone, come on to this forum and look at all the stories women have told. You’re not alone. Your pain and suffering is just as valid as anyone else’s. You deserve a happy life for yourself and your children.

Take care, stay safe and be brave. You have a beautiful life waiting for you and it will all be worth it in the end.

[iamme]

Hi Daylight,

I think if he goes to court for access, you need to tell CAFCASS about all the things he’s done to you and how he neglects his son. You mentioned guns, instantly that a red flag. You said he shot you with some type of gun. I think you don’t actually realise all the types of abuse he’s inflicted on you. I would suggest reading up on the types of abuse when you are ready so that you know what has happened to you. I am saying this because I didn’t realise I was being raped because I was so shut down until I rang the national domestic violence helpline. That was only one of the ways I was being abused and I had no idea because my mind blocked it out.

My husband reported me to social services because he said if he couldn’t have the kids, then neither will I. He wanted to hurt me where it would hurt the most. SS’s advice was to not allow contact because he wasn’t putting his children’s best interests first. Thankfully my children were old enough to tell SS about what was happening.

He’s made threats against you, so would your child be safe if he really wanted to get back at you. (detail removed by Moderator) He dragged me through mediation which is inappropriate in cases of DV which the mediator picked up straightaway. I was honest with CAFCASS and they appreciated the honesty. They asked about my mental health and I told them the meds I was on and the lady said from what I’d told her, she wasn’t surprised that I was on them. She said as long as it wasn’t affecting my ability to parent, which it wasn’t, then it was fine. My solicitor said it just backed up my side of things.

Be honest with CAFCASS, and with yourself. If he’s a threat to you, he won’t be allowed unsupervised access but you will need to make a statement to the courts of the things he’s done and you’ll need a good family law solicitor. Look on the womensaid website. There is a questionnaire about different types of abuse. There’s a lot of resources and links there as well. A solicitor will be able to help you through the process.

Your worried because you don’t trust this person with your child. I was the same. Be strong and don’t try to protect your ex. He’s a grown adult and wouldn’t hesitate to throw you under the bus. Work with everyone involved making sure things are in place to keep you and your son safe.

Take care, be strong x

[iamme]

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to watch a little TV. The drifting apart is an argument I’ve heard before. The thing they don’t realise is, it’s their behaviour that make you want to shut down and be as far away from them as possible.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to do something you want to do. Your not a child, you don’t have a bedtime. As an adult you can set your own bedtime. I don’t know enough about your relationship but breaking a (detail removed by Moderator) door because he wasn’t getting his way is a major red flag.

Stay safe, look after yourself x

[iamme]

Hi Whatislove,

I hope you’re doing ok. The confusion and the messed up feelings are just a legacy of what they did to us and are still doing. I find the police useless sometimes. When my friend saw that my husband was following me, she was worried and called the police. When they arrived they asked me to phone my friend and they told her off for wording her call the way she did. She genuinely thought he was trying to attack me.

Clear your head and think about what you need to do to feel safe and what you want from the law to make you feel safe. Remember you have people around you who love and support you and you have the support of all the ladies here. You are strong and brave and an inspiration to your children and to others.

You’ve got this! Loadsa hugs for you x

[iamme]

Hi Isthisright,

You’ve left a few times. How do you feel when you are away from him? What makes you comeback to him?

The constant dramas and arguments, being on eggshells, it never changes. It erodes away at you, making you weaker and making you feel like you’re going insane. My husband would do the same thing. He would divide assets and say he can’t stand to be anywhere near me, that I didn’t know how to behave like a proper wife. Now that I am out, he files for divorce, thinking I’m going to beg him to come back. I signed the petition he sent and returned it. He has now put proceedings on hold, while he and his family make life hard for me and my family to force me to take him back.

Next time the house becomes too toxic to stay in, think about what is stopping you from completely severing all ties. Weigh up pros and cons. Is it a misguided notion that marriages are forever and that you can change him? He’s said himself that he won’t change. Even when they do say they will change, they very rarely do.

I hope you have supportive people around you and I hope you are doing ok.

Be strong and stay safe. Lots of hugs coming your way x

[iamme]

I’m hearing a lot of good things about inner child therapy, it’s definitely worth trying. Thank you, ladies x

[iamme]

Thank you, Braelynn and cantmakedecisions. I’m feeling a little stronger today. Long sleeves, jumpers and cardigans when it was blazing hot. I used to tell people I was feeling cold.

I haven’t heard of inner child therapy before but it is something I would like to look into in the future. I was going to ask my GP about EMDR because I have heard it drastically reduces symptoms of PTSD but I’m willing to give anything a go to see some sort of result.

When I come on to this forum, I feel less alone. Thank you, ladies x

[iamme]

I agree with WTH; you’re not an abuser but you are in an abusive relationship.

I was on a bus once and a baby was crying. The mother kept apologising to other passengers. The father said, “I’m not sorry. It’s what babies do.” You’re worried about your child behaving like a child because it might upset your husband. Does that sound right to you? If someone truly loved you, they would go out of their way to make your child feel welcome. What if it had been the other way? What if he had a child? How would you behave towards that child?

You’re on edge all the time and from what you’ve posted, I think you may be having emotive flashbacks as well (not medically trained but is something I experienced). When you can’t process emotions, they eventually come out when in non-threatening situations and compound what abusers tell us.

Do you receive counselling as well as taking antidepressants? It might be an idea to speak to your GP or a counsellor about what is happening and how you are feeling.

My brother does a lot of DIY jobs but he never shouts if anyone messes something up. He just laughs and gets on with fixing it. He doesn’t put anyone down. His only demand is for big jobs, the tea has to keep coming but even then he’ll brew it himself. You’re being told you can’t do anything because that’s how he wants you to feel. I was told I couldn’t cook or do anything right but now my children ask me to make dishes from scratch for them because they like my cooking. I’m sure you are more thank likely capable of doing everything. He may work hard all day but so have a feeling you’re working just as hard if not harder.

Think about what you want to do. Getting out isn’t easy but neither is staying. Please talk to someone, a friend, relative or even a colleague. I have found words of wisdom from strangers have been far more helpful and give more clarity.

It might not seem like it at the moment but life has a lot to offer.

Stay safe and take care x

[iamme]

Yes, it is the little things. Well done, just take one day at a time. Being independent is scary if you’ve never had to do it before. Counselling should help you feel that little bit better and a little more competent everyday. It did for me. I was able to support myself and my children.

I bought myself some pink chrysanthemums a few days ago, just like you; no one else ever bought any for me. It’s my way of saying well done to me and thanking myself for everything I do for me, big or small.

Make the most of counselling, the more you engage with it, the better you are able to heal. Your bit about talking on the phone resonated with me. I hated talking on the phone, it was scary and people would ask questions I couldn’t answer and I honestly thought I couldn’t speak. But now, I can talk with anyone quite easily and honestly, counselling helped a lot.

You’re doing all the right things. Hold your head up high and smile from inside yourself. You can do anything you want and anything you choose to do.

Stay safe and start living for you x

[iamme]

Abuse happens when your defenders are lowered and you are pulled into thinking you are safe. It’s happened a few times, but even once out of the blue is one too many times. Some men know how to hide and disguise anger. Getting angry for no apparent reason is a red flag.

Walk away. Work on becoming your true self again. You shut down, which shows you may be dealing with PTSD. Learn to love yourself and be kind to yourself.

You deserve better than this man. You deserve to be in a safe, loving relationship. The freedom programs teaches you to listen to your gut instincts. I think you already know what you want to do.

Take care, stay safe x

[iamme]

If you’ve already agreed to FaceTime calls, you could make it so that the children have a designated area to make and receive calls or use a computer. With my ex, the children were just a way of getting to me. He didn’t really care about them. He eventually gave up because he didn’t want cafcass knowing the things he did and what the children thought. He also couldn’t be bothered to spend money on seeing them. He wanted unsupervised but he had never been alone with them before. He was planning on brainwashing them but my children were old enough to tell social services how they felt.

Don’t worry about contact, if he’s not getting to you, he’ll give up. And in the event that he is actually interested in his kids, it’s a good thing. The rules you’ve set out are sensible and keep you safe in the contact process.

I hope all goes well x

[iamme]

Thank you, a few kind words make a world of difference x

[iamme]

Hi 54231g,

Hope you’re ok. I can relate to your experiences. Sometimes you have to cut family out of your life to start to get your life back together. It’s not easy but start making plans for your safety. It took me years to get out and even now I have family members trying to get me back into the marriage that almost destroyed me and killed my soul. I ignore phone calls from family and don’t open my door to anyone I don’t trust. I’ve started getting my life back together and don’t ever want to be back in that place. My children are doing well and it was worth the initial upheaval.
Don’t give up hope or think any less of yourself as people like to make you do. Staying in a marriage like this will will kill you in every possible way. You and your children’s lives matter. I had a good friend that made me see the truth and I hope you have someone you can rely on. It’s time for you to give up on all those who have wronged you and think of yourself.

Take care, stay safe
Your sister standing beside you in spirit x

[iamme]

Hi notagain,

Won’t the social worker take into consideration what your children tell him. Also contact should be about maintaining a relationship with the child and not playing mind games with the kids. Obviously, grandma’s going to overlook abusive behaviour from their father. He will also try to make the kids make life difficult for you in place of him. Is contact court ordered? Surely the children telling the social worker that they were hit would make the social worker think twice about contact?

Mine could never physically hurt my kids while he was with me because it was the only thing I would draw the line at. The social worker would not allow unsupervised contact and she told me that she was going to tell him to go to court because none of my kids had any overwhelming desire to see him. Perhaps suggesting contact at a contact centre to your social worker would help. Their father would have to pay for contact but the centre workers would be unbiased and put the kids first.
Also, you’re not rambling or boring. What you have to say matters. Don’t think you shouldn’t be heard. You’re worried about your children, so the social worker has to listen. Children can be manipulated and controlled. The children should tell the social what he says about you. It can have a damaging affect on children when someone makes comments about their mother.

Don’t worry too much though. It’s just another hurdle you have to jump but eventually the kids will see through him.

Lots of hugs your way x

[iamme]

Hi everyone,

Just an update. Yes it was as simple as a council tax bill and talking to the people on the helpline made things a lot easier. Even managed to deal with the passport office and get my daughters documents back on time for her trip (detail removed by moderator).

It goes to show, a few kind words from you ladies here and I was ready to kick ass. Thank you for all your support x

[Author]

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