Icecreamsundae

[Icecreamsundae]

I think it’s really common for them to promise change and even stay with it for a while but then go back to the abusive patterns once they feel like the have the control back.

It is the behaviours that are more important to judge from.

I felt better about letting go when I thought about what an ideal outcome would be for me (him changing all the behaviours), how likely that was (for us, incredibly unlikely after all the chances already and his reactions to me suggesting counselling etc), and whether that would even be enough for me to want go back (I decided he had enough chances to change and didn’t deserve any more from me).

It is still frustrating to hear the fake promises, and rewrites of history, so I mostly ignore it now as far as possible. No contact was great for getting out of the cycle of feeling I had to reply

[Icecreamsundae]

If he really does want to change them he should be doing all of these no matter how you respond to the letter.

It does still sound like he isn’t taking full accountability. And over time, he will go back to more and more excuses.

You might be surprised how many people in the world do understand. Phrases like that are all part of trying to maintain the control and confusion.

My ex had a glowing report from a perpetrators course, though gave work stresses as a reason for his abusive behaviours and still talks about having wanted to be supportive of me. I’m very glad I can now see how ridiculous that is compared to the actual words and behaviours. There won’t be any closure, true remorse or apology from him, which is fine, I don’t need that to move on.

[Icecreamsundae]

Thank you both, I looked into Clare’s law but have been told by 3 separate people within the police that it doesn’t apply to ex partners, even in the scope of safeguarding joint children.

I think I will reach out to some support services to understand the process first.

[Icecreamsundae]

I think what you’re feeling is common and is part of the brain responding to the situation and trying to protect itself.

What I found helpful was:
– writing down a list of incidents that I could go back to and remind myself of what was real. And some key phrases from arguments that showed his attitude and lack of intention to change.

– Trying to look 1 year, 5 years, 10 years into the future and ask myself how I would feel if things were still the same then.

– Imagining I was sharing my story with a close friend – what would I tell them? That’s exactly what I should do myself.

– finding someone safe to share with. That can really help with validating your feelings and giving you an outlet to talk through your confusion. Do be careful on that, though, as there are people who don’t understand abuse and are willing to excuse it away. I learned to go slow with any disclosure and check reactions to decide if someone was safe or not and never to spend my energy trying to convince anyone.

– I’ve watched some YouTube channels around abuse and narcissism that have helped me to reflect, and you could try to find programmes in your area you can join, such as the freedom programme, to give you the space to process your experiences and talk with others with similar ones.

I think it’s all part of trying to reset your brain and work through to understand your experiences.

The initial period after separating is hard and confusing, but it does get better. Everyday, I am grateful I took that first step as, even with the challenges getting here, life is much calmer and safer now.

[Icecreamsundae]

Cakepops, Im expecting the same. He’s already doing it on the courses he’s done, but it always seems to be on the bits that support his controlling than the essence of the course. And discussions are littered with nicely phrased references to things we disagreed on as a couple that would always lead to an argument. I feel like people are rolling their eyes at me now when I’m explaining what this seemingly innocent comment actually means. I was told horrible things about me becuase (detail removed by moderator) looks like he’s being nice when it’s actually an instruction and I can remember well the consequences of not following it in the past, but have to forget that somehow.

[Icecreamsundae]

Thank you all so much for your replies. I’m so sorry you’ve not had good experiences, and wish there was more understanding across the whole system. On the one hand, I’m being encouraged to attend the freedom programme, but on the other I’m supposed to do this kind of thing.

I do feel more prepared and I can zone out where needed.

Thanks also for raising the fact some others on the course will be perpetrators. I hadn’t thought about that at all and it will be good to keep in mind if I do have to join the course.

Until recently, all contact was through a third party, and now is via an app which feels weird and brings up all the crazy making bit of being expected to be amicable and friendly. When you lived with someone who would degrade and hit you, then turn around to tell you why it was your fault and to now go make them food, it’s asking a lot to chat about how the kids are doing in school. From his side, it looks like he’s trying to do things together and inviting be to joint meetings, or agreeing joint rules, which feel very invalidating and shows no concept of the permanent impact of our history.

[Icecreamsundae]

Are you able to persuade him to make an undertaking to mirror the terms of the non mol? You can argue that you still feel
Vulnerable, and will have to seek an extension of the non mol otherwise, and if he doesn’t intend to cause you harm, then shouldn’t object to making the undertaking. You would need to pay to draft it.

I don’t know how easy it is to get an extension of an order, but my solicitor seemed content we had good enough evidence from the breaches he made trying to speak to me during child contact, which showed his attitude.

It can be really unnerving when you’re coming up to the end date, good luck!

[Icecreamsundae]

Thank you, my daughter has just started counselling and my son is on the waiting list. There didn’t seem to be anything for their age groups in our area when I’ve asked previously, but I will get back in touch with women’s aid again.

I’m tracking what is said to them and it definitely feels like there’s manipulation still happening. So far he seems to think he can wait out my anger (detail removed by Moderator). I just hope he is able to develop a little bit of insight

[Icecreamsundae]

We have regular contact set up so I tend to just say lightly that they can speak on that day. I try not to encourage messages as mine are very young and I wouldn’t be letting them do it with friends unsupervised either. Unfortunately, their dad hasn’t been good at keeping to the limits given, so pushes wherever he can, repeatedly telling them to message him and that they can always call when they want to. This is despite professionals saying it’s not appropriate. It sounds like he’s being nice but is actually giving them a lot of pressure and feels like he wants to get around the system rather than actually address his behaviour and intimately benefit his children.

I like the idea above about writing or drawing something for their dad. It is really tricky.

[Icecreamsundae]

I totally agree with this. I sometimes feel sorry that it can’t be more flexible, and would certainly make my life easier, but it’s just not safe or healthy.

I’m so glad to be physically free, but I know that the abuse doesn’t end when the relationship does, there will always be attempts to regain control in some way. Firm boundaries and being realistic about the extent you can co-patent are so important.

[Icecreamsundae]

Sounds like a similar situation to us. We have a pet name for the kids that we both use, but Milne else does really. He still calls them that. In many ways, to an observer, the calls are nice and friendly, but there are things that get shared with the kid’s and they have no interest in but it’s because he wants me to know and isn’t allowed to speak directly to me. There are also occasional complaints about my lack of effort in supporting their relationship and asking questions about the house and pets whic feel like he’s checking up.

My main focus is that the contact with the kids is time for them and not to discuss adult things. Mum and dad can talk separately. Then if he’s overstepping the mark I gently remind the kids of that and they know it’s ok to tell him that’s an adult thing and change subject.

It can be exhausting and draining to keep reinforcing the boundaries with someone who makes no acknowledgement that they exist or need to exist.

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