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    • #135566
      Icecreamsundae
      Participant

      Cakepops, Im expecting the same. He’s already doing it on the courses he’s done, but it always seems to be on the bits that support his controlling than the essence of the course. And discussions are littered with nicely phrased references to things we disagreed on as a couple that would always lead to an argument. I feel like people are rolling their eyes at me now when I’m explaining what this seemingly innocent comment actually means. I was told horrible things about me becuase (detail removed by moderator) looks like he’s being nice when it’s actually an instruction and I can remember well the consequences of not following it in the past, but have to forget that somehow.

    • #135561
      Icecreamsundae
      Participant

      Thank you all so much for your replies. I’m so sorry you’ve not had good experiences, and wish there was more understanding across the whole system. On the one hand, I’m being encouraged to attend the freedom programme, but on the other I’m supposed to do this kind of thing.

      I do feel more prepared and I can zone out where needed.

      Thanks also for raising the fact some others on the course will be perpetrators. I hadn’t thought about that at all and it will be good to keep in mind if I do have to join the course.

      Until recently, all contact was through a third party, and now is via an app which feels weird and brings up all the crazy making bit of being expected to be amicable and friendly. When you lived with someone who would degrade and hit you, then turn around to tell you why it was your fault and to now go make them food, it’s asking a lot to chat about how the kids are doing in school. From his side, it looks like he’s trying to do things together and inviting be to joint meetings, or agreeing joint rules, which feel very invalidating and shows no concept of the permanent impact of our history.

    • #121296
      Icecreamsundae
      Participant

      Are you able to persuade him to make an undertaking to mirror the terms of the non mol? You can argue that you still feel
      Vulnerable, and will have to seek an extension of the non mol otherwise, and if he doesn’t intend to cause you harm, then shouldn’t object to making the undertaking. You would need to pay to draft it.

      I don’t know how easy it is to get an extension of an order, but my solicitor seemed content we had good enough evidence from the breaches he made trying to speak to me during child contact, which showed his attitude.

      It can be really unnerving when you’re coming up to the end date, good luck!

    • #120678
      Icecreamsundae
      Participant

      Thank you, my daughter has just started counselling and my son is on the waiting list. There didn’t seem to be anything for their age groups in our area when I’ve asked previously, but I will get back in touch with women’s aid again.

      I’m tracking what is said to them and it definitely feels like there’s manipulation still happening. So far he seems to think he can wait out my anger (detail removed by Moderator). I just hope he is able to develop a little bit of insight

    • #120354
      Icecreamsundae
      Participant

      We have regular contact set up so I tend to just say lightly that they can speak on that day. I try not to encourage messages as mine are very young and I wouldn’t be letting them do it with friends unsupervised either. Unfortunately, their dad hasn’t been good at keeping to the limits given, so pushes wherever he can, repeatedly telling them to message him and that they can always call when they want to. This is despite professionals saying it’s not appropriate. It sounds like he’s being nice but is actually giving them a lot of pressure and feels like he wants to get around the system rather than actually address his behaviour and intimately benefit his children.

      I like the idea above about writing or drawing something for their dad. It is really tricky.

    • #120407
      Icecreamsundae
      Participant

      I totally agree with this. I sometimes feel sorry that it can’t be more flexible, and would certainly make my life easier, but it’s just not safe or healthy.

      I’m so glad to be physically free, but I know that the abuse doesn’t end when the relationship does, there will always be attempts to regain control in some way. Firm boundaries and being realistic about the extent you can co-patent are so important.

    • #120406
      Icecreamsundae
      Participant

      Sounds like a similar situation to us. We have a pet name for the kids that we both use, but Milne else does really. He still calls them that. In many ways, to an observer, the calls are nice and friendly, but there are things that get shared with the kid’s and they have no interest in but it’s because he wants me to know and isn’t allowed to speak directly to me. There are also occasional complaints about my lack of effort in supporting their relationship and asking questions about the house and pets whic feel like he’s checking up.

      My main focus is that the contact with the kids is time for them and not to discuss adult things. Mum and dad can talk separately. Then if he’s overstepping the mark I gently remind the kids of that and they know it’s ok to tell him that’s an adult thing and change subject.

      It can be exhausting and draining to keep reinforcing the boundaries with someone who makes no acknowledgement that they exist or need to exist.

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