iliketea

[iliketea]

Just to say I recommended a couple of books that are very insightful and educational but sadly they’ve been moderated out. Who knows why as the reason given was totally unfounded. There used to be an amazing thread of book recommendations – to delete that sort of thing seems to be pretty controlling of WA but hey seems to be the way the world is going. Surely women can make their own minds up about a book recommendation 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️Dm if you’d like to know the titles.

[iliketea]

Hi, I’m really sorry you’re going through this – it is not easy – I have had the same with the CMS, its one of the last places they feel they have control over you and they will do all they can to mess with it.   On top of which the CMS is terrible and will absolutely listen to men, I don’t know why this is, and it needs to change. I have an incredible amount owing, due to him continuing to mess with the system.  Have you tried Surviving Economic Abuse, they have a lot of helpful advice on this.  I would say that the most important thing is not to make any arrangements between the two of you as it opens the way for abuse like this.  If the financial order is part of the divorce process can you get a solicitor involved which would speed it up, if he still refuses then you can apply for a costs order on top of a requirement for him to sign all relevant documents asap, this means he will have to pay all costs too.  There is no requirement to do mediation if there is abuse involved so don’t even think about it.  It is all really draining. Oh yes, also, in the Family Court, they consider the child maintenance service as a completely separate body (which of course it is) from the legislative body of the family court, so he cannot use that as a bargaining tool. Again, if this is not through the CMS, then put it through the CMS so it separates it out and loosens the grip he currently has over you. I am so sorry about the children, the hope is that when they are older and have more life experience they will see him for what he is and who he is as leopards never change their spots.
(removed by Moderator). Once you get your head around what drives them it all falls into place. They love the game basically, they love the interaction, and it is all about winning. The game you have to play is to disengage as soon and as fast as is possible. Sending you support through this. You’ll get there. Look how far you’ve come already. Loads of self care too to make sure you are mentally strong enough to get through this.  Eat and sleep as well as is possible. Its like preparing for a marathon, mind and body needs to be in the best possible shape as possible. “This too will pass”. xx

 

[iliketea]

Hi, I remember you from before, I think we’re on a similar timeline. I’m not a drinker but have recently been like this with food, when I never was before. Could it be age – peri-menopause, on top of a trauma response still? But realistically, I think its a “my life is fine now but I am used to not being fine and the safest place for me (meaning your subconscious) is to upend it all again…because that is a safe place in which I know how to function and survive” – have you been able to do any sort of groups like a Freedom Programme or a Recovery Toolkit, or understanding Trauma. Its this stage, when we are safe and out, that our bodies start reminding us to wake up and not be too complacent. Does that make any sense? If we’ve been in a trauma response for so long, our bodies have been trained to relate to the world like that, whether we’re in trauma or not. So on a basic level, to make life “easier” for our subconscious, to get back to the state it knows well how to cope and survive, we do things that put us back into a stressed situation – i.e. a traumatic one – whether its drink, drugs, food, bad relationships.. Does that make sense?
Solving it – I’d say understanding is a big step, education, like when we were looking at leaving, and support from professionals. A good trauma therapist should be able to support you in this. I’m sending you a big hug and a whole load of support on International Womens Day. Stay strong. Its a blip. All these things are are signs and messaging from our brains and our bodies that something is up. You will get through this and solve it. Look how far you’ve come! xx

[iliketea]

Hi @eggshells and @Lifebegins – and @nbumblebee (I don’t know you so well) – its so nice to “see” some old faces on here! How are you both, I’m going to come back on tomorrow and answer your question as Im exhausted tonight but I just wanted so say I feel for you, and have experienced similar but have had some pluses and some good support too, I’ve got some ideas for you. Ill post tomorrow. big hug.xx

[iliketea]

Totally hearing you on this at the moment. It is an utter and complete frkn nightmare. whole system is broken and corrupt.

[iliketea]

Hi, really relate to this too, experiencing the same right at the moment, after a long time out. Suddenly started up again through the court as that is the only forum open to him. Ive been really triggered in the way you describe. Thought I was ok up until now, thought I “knew” all the triggers and what to do when it happens but its been so bad that I haven’t really been able to ground myself and take it in my stride. nightmares are back, constant thoughts and memories and flashbacks, its a nightmare, feel so unwell. Was signed off work but had to go back as couldnt have long off. Need to find some therapy again. When will it end? Was going to post separately so apologies for jumping on, meant to be in soladarity not all me me me…I really hope you’re ok…here if you want to dm for support I know we can’t publically discuss the court but it is a traumatising place in itself so I think that’s a really important thing to acknowledge as well. Sending a big hug, and to everyone going through this right now. Urgh. I’ve been trying to focus on the small things today, bulbs are coming up, and I saw some birds making nests, small positive signs that life does move on, and change. xxx

[iliketea]

Thanks, I know we cant ask about legal things so I was asking on a more practical level, as in how to help the children, how to prepare them for this behaviour, any books, videos, films, there must be some way to protect children and talk to them about this type of behaviour. If Id known about it maybe I wouldn’t have been in the mess I got into with him in the first place. Like do I give them the gifts? How do I talk to them about him being so crap and then hoovering them with gifts.
I’m already linked with all agencies locally thank you.
x

[iliketea]

I had this exact same situation last year. It’s evening now so presuming you’ve sorted it out and hope she is ok? Let us know when you can. I called the nhs line and explained the situation, she called the hospital and called me back. It was a weekend too. She said if in the week the GP could do it. It was a nightmare, I couldn’t get through to the hospital as they said I could be anyone phoning and I didn’t know the reason was there or time of admission or anything. I also called police to do a Welfare Check on my child at his address as he didn’t update me after they left the hospital and refused to bring my child home. I really hope everything is ok, it’s a really horrible scary thing to be put through. Xx

[iliketea]

Thank you for the amazing advice, as usual, you are all amazing, and are just so supportive, kind, incredible, lovely, and most of all, always here. Thank you. Knackered, another very tough day, more communcation from him, a ramping up, its weird how they dont just go away when you end it. I would, if someone ended it with me. You’d surely get the message. Why do they enjoy it so much. Sick isn’t it? Psychotic really, whatever the reason, the narcissism and all that, on another level they’re all just bloody bonkers. Seriously, go get a life you bunch of low lifes, and leave us women alone.
Thanks everyone, really helped me. xx

[iliketea]

will pm. xx

[iliketea]

I think just answering simply, toxic is abuse, whichever way you look at it, abuse is toxic, there’s no “just” toxic. Maybe see your GP and explain what has been happening at home, and how you feel. If you feel unsafe, unloved, unhappy, its horrible to hear, and to start getting your head around but its just not normal to feel like that in a loving long term relationship. This site is an amazing place for information. The way it helped me the most was reading all the stories, and realising how similar they were even though they were all so different and on different spectrums… it was all abuse. There are some really good books, audiobooks which are easier to listen to without being noticed. I’ll bump some posts from 2020 which really helped me see the light on this. Sending love, don’t mean to sound so cut and dry about it, it will take time to get your head around it. It took me ages to do something about it. Its ok. Focus on educating yourself about it abuse, make sure you focus on you and your well-being, get strong mentally and physically and that will help you see clearly and make the decisions you feel are right for you and your family. I got anti-depressants which helped with the fog of abuse, and the constant crazy gas lighting and confusing behaviours, I started running, I cleaned up my diet, I cut out alcohol, and most of all I got educated on it, read and listened to everything I could. Caroline Strawson has some good bite size listens on abuse too, and there are other podcasts. There are FB groups you can join but tbh this forum is the very best, kindest and most supportive one I have come across. It is monitored very well and I have never felt unsafe or unsupported, it is an incredible resource for women by women, who know what you’re going through because they are too, or have been. xx

[iliketea]

This is a truly phenomenal piece of writing. Please try and get this published somewhere. It needs to be read by all women survivors. It sums it up so well. Just beautiful, heartfelt and raw. 💕

[iliketea]

Thank you @twistedsister xx

[iliketea]

@mellow (detail removed by Moderator)!! I have thousands owed in arrears but because of the cost of living he has negotiated to repay over nearly (detail removed by Moderator)!! Deduction from earnings orders only last 6 months – if they have been seen to comply (which is pretty hard not to if your employer is deducting it 🤷🏻‍♀️) it can go to them paying direct to CMS who act as the middle person… but it relies on him paying them, which he hasn’t again, but it takes them (detail removed by Moderator) yrs to pull their finger out and ever do anything (which is why there are already arrears in the thousands), I currently have (detail removed by Moderator) complaints in progress, (detail removed by Moderator). It’s a completely broken system and set up to help abusers especially the clever ones to perpetuate post separation financial abuse. It’s a nightmare.

[iliketea]

sending love, the constant fight is exhausting. Keep going. It’ll happen. xx

[iliketea]

Hi, old timers, how are you both? Interesting post @Lottieblue but sorry no “lived experience” advice as I don’t feel anywhere near thinking about it yet. Not brave enough at all. Still working on “me” – hahaha @Lifebegins yes it is a bit trite but I’m coming round to the whole “self-care” thing and the genuine importance of putting numero uno UNO!! Was just wondering though just this evening when it would happen…my musings took me to later in life, but then I thought “well thats a bit of a waste of looks etc” and then I thought that was a bit sad and wouldn’t “the one” like me wrinkles and all, and on and on my mind went around on the subject with no conclusion except that I don’t mind not having someone around, and I like having my bed to myself and not having to answer to anyone etc etc!!! I think it will totally depend on how YOU feel, and only you will know if you feel its ok to take it anywhere else. If I’ve learnt anything from all this it is that my gut was always right, and was always telling me in some way, and going forward now I know what that feels like, and what it is (from therapy, recovery, education etc), I will hopefully know (better) next time, if I do find myself in the same situation. But hopefully all the therapy and recovery and education means that I won’t be attracted to someone like that ever again. I am much much more careful with friendships I’ve noticed, and much more boundaried generally with all that I do. Trust yourself, and how you feel, and make sure you only do exactly what you want to do, at your own pace. Its positive and lovely and if you feel good, then perhaps thats a sign that he’s ok? Apply everything you’ve learnt over these years and through this dreadful experience and see if he is good enough for you. If he deserves your time, friendship and energy. Keep posting and checking in. We’re all still here, not as often but always pop in from time to time. Sending love. xx

[iliketea]

Thank you everyone, really helped to have support and understanding. @Footballfan1 thats exactly it, its the justifying to other people that I feel I’m sort of doing, he always copies in professionals, and so I feel like I need to reply to defend myself, when I have no idea if they;re even reading his rubbish. @Mellow, sounds exactly the same, thanks for reminding me, Im not alone in this. I wish he’d go away and find new supply, I really really really wish that would happen.
xx

[iliketea]

it depends if you are married or not. If not it gets very complicated if you do not have a Separation Agreement in place, or a Cohabiting agreement. Or a Deed of Trust, but that needs to be watertight. Will dm too as not sure if the legal advice will stay on the open forum.

[iliketea]

@lifebegins, hi long time, how are you doing?
Thanks a lot for your reply, it helps to hear Im not alone with this. Yes, I dont engage, I just realised it was so non-stop, every single interaction on the app, its never directly rude, nothing the police would be interested in, just drip drip drip constant put downs. Yes they are pathetic, and I know in my healthier and stronger days I can rise above it, but sometimes I just can’t believe someone can be so full of hatred STILL. Incredible. I guess it is that narcissist rage bubbling along underneath for him. Anyway, thank you.
That’s really interesting about child contact. Mine is still very much in the Disney Dad stage but there are definitely cracks showing, especially this Christmas when I couldn’t afford many presents and I tried to make it about experiences, and my child kept on commenting how much he liked just hanging out and doing things with me – of course Disney Dad is always busy, always on phone etc etc.
Sent you a dm. xx

[iliketea]

Try to get him out of the family home and you stay. You need a non-molestation order and an occupation order. If you leave your child he might not let you have access in the future. Do you want your child left with a man that has physically and emotionally abused you? How do you know they will be stay safe. If you are the primary cater for your child you have every right to stay in the family home. Please talk this through with your solicitor. It’s rare that a solicitor would encourage you to leave your child with a man who had abused the mother. Perhaps find another solicitor to get some different advice? Best of luck. X

[iliketea]

Hi @lottieblue I’m right there with you. Feel exactly the same. Had high hopes that things would get better and a new life would miracuously open up once Id got out and away from the darkness of abuse. All the nice and kind people would appear and they’d all be my friends. Hasn’t really happened that way. I don’t have any answers as Im definitely down in the dumps right now – got never-ending flu too – but just wanted to send a solidarity hug and best wishes for a better 2023, and perhaps this is OUR year. I was thinking today that it was quite a thing to leave someone during the pandemic, so we need to be kind to ourselves for how far we have come having had to contend with that too, on top of everything. I think it has made a changed world. I think it has made people less kind and caring. It feels like the world has closed down a bit to me. This Christmas I didnt see any of the kindess I saw during the pandemic or even last year. All the outcry about Ukraine in February and I haven’t heard a bleep in my local area about helping Ukrainians at Christmas time. I don’t know what Im banging on about, I think Im just trying to say, we all need to be kind to ourselves as on top of abusive relationships we have had to contend with the pandemic too.
Sending love. xx

[iliketea]

Thank you everyone. Still got it. Urgh. Getting me down and depressed now, spent the whole day breaking down and crying and moping about “why me” about my carcrash life.

[iliketea]

Thank you x

[iliketea]

All the time. Thanks for posting this. I was just thinking this morning. Why do I tell people so much stuff and don’t know half the information about them. Any story I tell is soooo detailed its ridiculous.

[iliketea]

@lifebegins! Hello! It was like seeing an old friend when I saw your reply!
Its so “interesting” if that is even the right word, timewise, I’ve had this with other people I know who left at the same time. They are on exactly the same trajectory. Obviously cant say too much here but same with the CMS too. If you need any tips on the unpaid aspects ask away.
Diversion of income is an interesting one and definitely a loop-hole as they do say that about being able to apply for the variation – but they take their figures from HMRC and a ?? Form which annoyingly I have forgotten the name of right this second. But I think employees can “choose” benefits like a car salary sacrifice which is billed as “tax efficient savings” incentive by the employer and so would not be counted in the non-visible taxable figures (which go on the form) like bonuses, medical insurance etc. So its hard to know what evidence they need for the “diversion” of income” variation and if this would count as “diverting to another purpose”… Which is why I was asking if anyone had had experience as when I speak to CMS they just say they take figures from the HMRC and the ?? form so it must be right. grrrrrrr Feel like I could write a book on how to survive post abuse, all their stupid tricks for kicks. Why cant then just go away and get a life?
xx

[iliketea]

Oh hun, Im so sorry to hear this, just when all you are trying to do is have a treat with your children and get away from it all. It will be ok in the end, it will, life has a way of working out. Might not be exactly how you thought it would be, but it will. You’ll see. Appeal the Zipcar, if it was freak weather especially, honestly every single time something like this happens to me more often that not they relent and refund. Remember if you booked on a credit card you are covered by that insurance usually too. Make the best of it now you’re there, might take a day or so to get into your trip but make the most of it for you especially, look after you, really give yourself a big hug (sounds weird but its kinda nice and does work), spoil yourself and just forget all the bad stuff whilst you’re away. xx

[iliketea]

Hi, and thank you for being so honest and sharing. That really helps. I’m sorry to hear you also feel the same, I’m sure you are right, it is grief, even after x number of years, I have had a lot of moments this holiday thinking about how it could be different, and what it would be like. I suppose its the age-old thing isn’t it, only us, me can solve it. Its so tiring though. Sometimes I’d love to go for a coffee and just have a chit-chat with someone about rubbish, what’s going on in the world, what’s going on at home. I feel like im getting further and further away from the real world. I tried volunteering but the women, who were a little bit older than me, seemed really unfriendly and a bit sort of territorial about it, even at the food bank I tried. They were really bossy and didn’t help me. The same with the gardening place I tried, they’d all been there for ages and it was like I was some sort of young usurper trying to take over their patch. So so strange. Even though Im in my (detail removed by Moderator), I do have youngish children and I find it sets me apart, I’m in between. Most of the women my age have kids at university, finishing school, one of mine has only just started! I never knew children could be such a pointer in who your friends were as you aged. I did have a “best” friend who told me that as I was having children later than everyone else we knew we wouldnt remain friends in the long run, as our lives would be so different and always at different stages – she was right – I was determined for it not to be true but she sort of self-fulfilled that prophecy – guess she probably wasnt really a good friend. So depressing. Thank you. x

[iliketea]

Thanks @twisted sister, yes it does store, they’re all low level, I don’t think police would be interested tbh. I did have to threaten a harassment injunction under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997 if the threatening emails continued which did put a stop to them, so now Im getting it in a different way through the children and the app. Thanks for your comment, as usual, thoughtful, so helpful and kind x

[iliketea]

yep, so sad isnt it. I wish he would meet someone, maybe that would stop it. this one (detail removed by Moderator) and I think is the best, it monitors tone so if you swear or something it won’t send a message – so I suppose it means I dont get rants but I get underhand put downs all the time. Its like when you’re in the relationship and you’re with other people but they still find a way to put you down so you know, but noone else notices. All that crazy-making rubbish. Thanks for your reply @eggshells, how are you doing? x

[iliketea]

Majorly dodgy??!!! 🙂

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