Isthisright

[Isthisright]

Hi All,

I am back and I am still so pathetic and in the same situation.

He is still here and during the last few days he has asked to try make it work. I have always been very scared about giving it another try. I am so hurt by all he actions and behaviour over the last few months. I really feel the trust hasn’t been broken down and I don’t know if I can ever love him the same way again.
All my family and friends and counsellors have told me to leave but for some reason I just can’t seem to. I know it’s not good for me or my health. My mind is all over the place and I am constantly stressed, anxious and upset.
We have been trying to sort it all week and then it would just end up in an argument. He has got really angry, has stormed off, banged things, cursed at me and at one stage told a major lie to me. He kept at me yesterday and blamed me over the last week I didn’t give him a chance so I caved and told him he had a week and now I just feel so sad, down, and like such an awful person. I really feel.so trapped and anything I do I am just going to do something wrong and be an awful person.
I can’t seem to make a decision or even seem to have a moments inner peace with myself.
I feel like i have created all this and just feel so low and alone and trapped. I really am at the stage going what is the point of me continuing my life anymore. I can’t do anything right. I just can’t seem to make a decision. I have got help over the last few months but I just can’t seem to act on anything. I know if sound so stupid and frustrating

[Isthisright]

Thanks all for your messages.

Well things have changed he arrived down during the week one evening as a ‘surprise’.
Literally I got such a shock, my anxiety and stress level rose and I was so frustrated.

He came in and I got the whole I am so sorry I have seen it was all my fault and please give me another chance. I should have listened to you and I didn’t mean those things. it was the first time I stood up for myself and said I wouldnt stand from it and I am a human being with feelings and have been so deeply hurt.
He said he understood and would show me everyday how much I mean and how he is a great husband. Maybe I shouldnt have let him in.. I really feel like this is my fault

Since then we have spoke about trying again or seperating and this has just gone round and round in a circle and I can see he still get easily frustrated and annoyed. That then just highlights to me things are not going to change and even though it is painful and I might have to end it.
At one stage he was trying to be nice and started kissing me and trying to be affectionate with me I had to ask him to stop I felt very uncomfortable, like I was a toy or someone without emotions that he thinks he could just do anything to. I dont know how he thinks he can just come back in and say sorry and then think all with be ok..
I have told him the trust has been taken away from the marriage with all that has happened.

I have said we should seperate and he agreed and then later he came to check if I was Ok (which he would never do) and then came back to me again asking me if I wanted to watch a film… I don’t get it.. Is this a control thing? Or is he just trying to keep me?

I know I have to take the last step and leave but all this confusion makes it so so difficult. I feel like i didn’t have the time space or energy to myself and since he has arrived back it’s just been back to been so so stressful. My heart rate is so incredibly high..

I have spoken to my friends and family about this and they have advised to go to counselling together or to leave.. Some have noted I have put up with enough..
I am really considering walking away in the morning. Any thoughts would be welcome

[Isthisright]

Sorry I am back again,
I had a really tough few days feeling very low and confused, nearly was at the stage of calling him to say I miss him and I am sorry and to come back… Feel like a useless person and maybe I could have done better in the relationship, I could have tried harder.

I spoke with family and friends for some support.

Anyways I received an email from him asking me questions about ending everything, I responded a few hours later (while sitting in major anxiety) then he messaged back making out he was doing everything right. Then he called me saying he was separating everything and I should rush with the divorce. Then after he sent me a messages saying he missed me and later deleted.

Now this morning he is texting me good morning and wants to speak with me again.. I literally and so scared.. The anxiety is intense, I don’t know what he is going to say or do next. He could be super nice or he could be so pushy and cold again. I am so confused, hurt and scared.
Like do we try give it a go again or do we just split. I think at this stage I am so low and anxious I could take a heart attack.
I know I sound so pathetic and confused…

[Isthisright]

Thanks to everyone for the advice, it is really appreciated.

Today I am really feeling so low, I feel like I have been completely discarded. We spoke (detail removed by Moderator) and he spoke to me like I was a work colleague he never met, like a robot. There was no feelings, no caring for me.
He said let’s cut all ties, when I asked if he had made his decision. He said he had tried suggesting we came back together and when I mentioned counselling he said that isn’t for me and I will speak to you again in a few days and hung up.

Now I am back in the circle of Guilt and Hurt. I really feel in limbo and have such feelings of Fear.
I really have gave my all in this relationship and feel everything I do is wrong and I am just not good enough.

The pain of knowing this is over is really overbearing. Why am I still trying and hoping when I know if we did try again it would be the same pattern.
I have been so panicked and anxious I found it so difficult to get up this morning.

My head is screaming at me to be stronger and move on while my heart is literally shattered and feel so alone. I am so sorry

[Isthisright]

Oh my goodness! I didn’t even think I would get a reply and my God all your messages and support is truly so so amazing. I really didn’t think anyone could see me anymore.
I really hope you are all OK x

My husband left (detail removed by Moderator) ago ( took a while to be able to post as I am new) when leaving he said he didn’t want this anymore and then it went to he would change and understood the hurt he was causing, to then you will never see me again. (detail removed by Moderator) days passed no communication to then messages saying he loved me.
Now it is at the stage he doesn’t want this anymore he said he will never change and said we have to sort things out together. I mentioned we have done this a few times with no change. I advised for this to work at all we would need some professional help which he completely refused and said that doesn’t work for him. He said I just need to get over it, people say things that is life.

I am really finding it so difficult to pull away from him, I feel like i have some ties or chained to him and I still love him.
Maybe I could have been better or done something different. I am so upset to think my marriage could be over and will not have him in my life. It is very painful and sad. However I know I can’t keep living this life. I know I have become a shell of a person. I am not myself and I am afraid to say or do stuff.
How do I take that final step and trust myself? I really do feel I will live in regret if it was ends and I will be on my own.
I really feel pathetic

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