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    • #154042
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Yea this is a hard one. Have you spoken to your doctor about these feelings, a short course of anti depressants may help you balance things out a bit more. Or speaking with a psychologist. It’s finding techniques and putting them in place when someone triggers a response like you had living in abuse. Once we recognise the signs we can’t not see these people. Some people take it as a personal mission to educate their colleagues as to who they are working, but that just only goes to make you out to be the unstable one, perfectly fitting in with the toxic persons agenda. Try not being alone with people who trigger you, or say out loudly is like you to lane now so I can get on with my work. Boundaries in the work place are slightly easier to set as you don’t live with that person but can still be a minefield. Just knowing someone is toxic is enough to protect you, you don’t have to always call them out.
      Best of luck
      IWMB 💞 💞

    • #154041
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      What I’ve found out through years of watching and learning about these people is that yes on the outside they’ll be giving the new person in their life a better version of themselves. They may even commit to them by getting married, or have children with them, or find someone who already had children. They’ve learned by being with you that this is what a normal relationship is, but you can be guaranteed at some point their mask will fall and the new partner will be you in a few months or years. They’ll be triangulating their new partner with you or even previous partners, getting them to relearn what is important to them. They may even find someone who has disability of some description, either themself or their children. If your ex couldn’t change for you, they won’t do it overnight for someone else. Change has to be for themselves because they finally see that they are the problem. I’m lucky in that I stopped loving my ex a long time ago, so I’m not discombobulated with those feelings. But it still doesn’t stop feelings of some description, whether that’s obligation or guilt. I’m stuck at being obliged, and putting myself in his shoes, just a bit, but it’s enough for him to get a foot in the door.
      I’m a firm believer in what is for you won’t go by you and it’s what we learn from those encounters, that’s the important thing.
      Best wishes
      IWMB 💞 💞

    • #154035
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Towards the end of my relationship his behaviour escalated daily to more and more arguements and accusations, once I’d decided when I was leaving I even brought it forward a day as I just couldn’t take the pettiness of his fights any longer

    • #154034
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi there I just wanted to reaffirm your thoughts on is he changing tactics. Yes he is. He knows you inside out, like you know him. He will do whatever it takes, even by apologising and accepting responsibility. But actions speak louder than words. He’ll go to therapy for a while until he gets bored with it or he decides he doesn’t need it cos everything is fixed. Mine went until he didn’t. Said it wasn’t working by that he meant I hadn’t gone back to him. We are not the prize for good behaviour. You’re more aware of how he’s treated you, so now you need to start sitting back and watching what happens when you stand up for yourself more and more(only if it’s safe to do so) just saying no I’m not doing x or y and see what his reaction is. Try not to get angry, let him know how disappointed you are, just by saying those very words could be enough to give you some calm time. Surviving living with an abuser is no fun, but it takes a lot of strength to do just that.
      Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

    • #154002
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      No in a nutshell. Mine too promised to change, went to therapy, stopped that when he realised it didn’t work, as in I didn’t go back to him. He’s threatened suicide, accused me of seeing others, both male and female. He’s stalked me, started arguments then told me he doesn’t want to argue, and would I stop being aggressive. He’s played the victim so many times I’m surprised he’s not turned into a wolf. Now he does have a serious health problem, karma does work, and I don’t care one way or another how it affects him, BUT I go with him to appointments, even though I want nothing to do with him, I still go to those bl..dy appointments. Why, why am I doing this.
      IWMB

    • #154000
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi there, a few things stood out in your post. One was how he tried to buy you clothes ìn the sales. This is just his way of literally trying to buy your forgiveness. My ex did the same every time we’d have an argument or more during the week, come the weekend we’d go to some shopping mall or another and he’d spend like it was going out of fashion. Took a while for it to sink in what he was doing, and when I started to say no thanks, I don’t see anything that’s when he’d get angry cos then he knew he couldn’t win me over that way anymore. As to the children, yours are definitely not as important as his, and at some stage he’ll get a buzz out of seeing any animosity grow between them all, though his are only important when he’s trying to get something over on his ex or to triangulate you with with his children or his ex.
      Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

    • #153998
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      This man is so dangerous!! You are not to blame for any of his behaviour, he chooses to behaviour and treat you like this.
      Please make sure you have birth control, preferably something he can’t control or see like the pill/implants. A baby will not change him. He’s already asking you not to see a certain family member, probably because he knows that person sees him for who he is, could you imagine him telling you not to tend to your baby’s needs cos his are more important. I have to agree with @TwistedSister, he sounds psychopathic. Please learn as much as you can about the cycle of abuse and the techniques they use to gain power and control in the relationship. He’s using triangulation with previous girlfriends when he said they did as he said. So what he’s doing here is making you think to stop his behaviour from escalating, if you do as he says(and this will be in every part of your life) then you won’t see his bad behaviour. He’s a grown man acting like a toddler, throwing himself on the ground and crying. But it’s 100 x more frightening when an adult man acts like that. He’s threatening to leave you and see other women. My ex used this every time with me for decades, for whatever he wanted from me, in the bedroom to begin with then in every day situations. Near the end, I’d tell him to go as I no longer cared what he did. Once you no longer feel trauma bonded(like Stockholm Syndrome)to him and that will only come about when you leave him, you’ll start to see his behaviour for what it is.
      Keep posting and reading others posts, you’ll start to see so many similarities in others stories and your own.
      Stay safe and take care
      IWMB 💞 💞

    • #153992
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi Pinkheart, don’t worry about not being able to say those words, I can’t either not even to my children or father. I’m sure you do thoughtful and kind things for your new partner every day, those are actions of someone who loves another. Take the pressure off and find some other phrase that means something to just the both of you, as deeply as saying I love you would. Try saying it in another language even.
      You’ll find what works for you, just don’t stress about it.
      Best wishes
      IWMB 💞 💞

    • #153991
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Yes it was, it’s very common for abusers to use this technique. My ex would post pictures of my dog as a puppy as if to remind me of better days😂 they will do whatever it takes to win you back.
      Best wishes
      IWMB 💞 💞

    • #153990
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi Poppety, what a lovely name you’ve chosen ❤
      You’ve been through the mill, washed and rinsed so many times. But you’re still here and that’s because you’re stronger than you really know. Well done on opening up, that alone is terrifying. I remember my first post, was so scared someone would know who I was and tell my ex I was on here. Here is a safe place to talk about what happened to you, by reading others posts you’ll get to see how similar all our stories are. We joke that abusers must go to the same school cos their repertoire isn’t very varied. I found my local WA group gave me a lot of support and education to what the different types of abuse were. One I still have great difficulty with is sexual abuse but I’m getting there. If you want some reading material, why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and living with the dominator by Patricia, ooo I’ve just had a brain freeze, can’t remember her surname. Anyway type in the title and it’ll come up. World of books is a cheaper online site to buy used and new books, all the used books I’ve bought have been in really good condition. You’ll be going through so many emotions and also feel numb too, whatever you’re going through it’s all normal, but talking about it, will help you through it too.
      Best wishes Poppety
      IWMB 💞 💞

    • #153989
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      That is the $64 million question. Some say it depends on how long you were with your partner and that can be a gauge as to how long it’ll take you to heal. I think going no contact helps the healing process to happen a lot quicker. Learning about who we are as an individual, rather than worrying about loving again, is also helpful in this journey after leaving. I’ve said all along I’ll never be with another man again, it’s not that he’s won, he’s damaged me beyond repair, it’s just I’m okay with being on my own, more than I ever thought I’d be. Maybe in years to come I’ll change my mind but for now I’m concentrating on me and what’s right and good for me. And part of that is to be a mum again, someone who is really there for her kids(grown up ones) not one who’s afraid to have them in her house, who stops talking to them on the phone cos someone’s nose will be out of joint. We all have to find what helps us along this pathway, and what I’ve found so far is to have a really good circle of friends who totally get what you’ve gone through, where you can be thoroughly open about what you’re thinking, feeling, if you’ve heard from them, if it be via text, email or turning up at your door. So long as you have people in your corner, you’ll get through this
      Bi làidir (be strong) be kind to yourself and put yourself first. Cos without putting on the oxygen mask, you’re no good to anyone else never mind yourself
      IWMB 💞 💞

    • #153988
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi, wow this is a difficult one. It’s taken me ages to write a reply, so please forgive me if it doesn’t sound sympathetic because that is not what I’ve intended. Your family has actually put you in a very awkward and possibly volatile position. If they truly knew about the abuse they wouldn’t have done this. I never told any of my family about what was going on in my relationship either. Does your partner usually get invited to family gatherings, if so why not this time and also why your youngest son’s exclusion. That alone would make me not go anyway. Even if they’re going to a venue that sells alcohol, since it’s a private function, minors are allowed in. Could you have a word with your brother/ sister and let them know how difficult they’ve made this for you. Is your partner likely to get aggressive or horrible to anyone else. If not,then it looks like they’re sticking up for you, but are going the wrong way about it. If they’re adamant about not inviting your partner, then one option is not to go altogether, just use your youngest as not being invited as your reason for not going. That way it won’t give your partner an excuse to bad mouth your family and possibly alienate you from them in the future. OR and it’s a big OR and depends on where you are in your journey in regards to staying/ leaving. You could always tell your partner he’s not invited and we all know where that could go. Maybe this happening is a way for you to open up to your family now, end of the day only you can decide what’s right for you.
      Good luck
      IWMB 💞 💞

    • #153987
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      I also wanted to say, living with an abuser on a scale of 1-10, we’re usually at 8-9, so anything they say to us even if it’s trivial is enough to send us spiralling out of control, making us look like the cr..y one. Have you hear of the gray rock method? Its where you don’t get into any meaningful conversations with them, one word answers, you talk about the weather, be as boring as possible. (Link removed by Moderator) has some insightful videos, I’ve watched a good few of her videos over the years. I’m actually getting to a stage that I no longer feel the need to watch these videos too, so that speaks volumes to me as to where I am in healing.
      Best wishes
      IWMB 💞 💞

    • #153986
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Trust your gut CB, he is punishing you. He may even be thinking that you won’t be together much longer🤞 so didn’t want to really spend money or put any thought into your gifts, but I’m more inclined to think it’s about punishment, after all abusers are about power and control.
      I’m glad to hear you survived Christmas and New Year, but wouldn’t it be lovely knowing this Christmas coming that you don’t have to survive it you can actually enjoy it, make new family traditions with the kids.
      In the meantime keep watching his behaviour, his words mean nothing.
      Bi làidir (be strong) you can do this
      IWMB 💞 💞

    • #154033
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Yeah I totally get how you feel its a betrayal of him and the relationship, I felt like that too. Over time I came to realise every time I did something that took me a step further away from him was a step closer to being more free of his behaviour, the more you do these things the easier it becomes, I wouldn’t say that anxious feeling goes away but the feeling, it really does get get less and less.
      At my local WA, they arranged an initial meeting with the solicitor but if say it took another 3 years or so for me to actually set the wheels in motion to divorce him. Circumstances happened that we’d to sell the house first, so I was financially free of him before I was divorced. I personally found that better for me rather than doing everything at once. Its not been plain sailing, he’s definitely stalking me at times and playing the victim. I’m still working on how to stop all contact from him, I don’t instigate any but I do still answer calls. It would have been better for me to move on if I’d been able to move away like I’d wanted, but again circumstances prevented that happening. Definitely putting boundaries in place and sticking to them helps. I would never go back to living with him, he has not shown over the past few years any signs of having changed, oh he’ll say he’s trying but actions speak louder than words. Sometimes I feel like I’ve become him but I’m now seeing that it’s me getting stronger and being able to stick to most of the boundaries I’ve put in place.
      Once you start to get more information regarding buying the house, which may just be pie in the sky, you know, future faking as he knows you want the stability. But really with the way things are because of the cost of living, do you want to get a mortgage only for it to rise in the near future again. Could you honestly afford say another £500 ontop of what the mortgage would be. Put him off the now with saying something like, the mortgage rates are so unstable just now can we hold off a bit longer. Its okay to lie about a future you know you don’t want with him or see yourself in. We do whatever it takes to survive living with them.
      Best wishes
      IWMB 💞 💞

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