I want to break free

[I want to break free]

Thanks Lover of no contact. That is helpful. Not let is show but have plan B ready if he follows through. I probably need to do some work about reducing contact at handover too which will pave the way for an order if I need to. we only communicate though email but he tries to engage me in conversation at handovers. getting someone else to do it might be a good plan

Many thanks everyone. I think my statergy is clearer in my head now !

[I want to break free]

congratulations confused and alone you have made a big step by telling someone else. I kept everything secret until very shortly before I left and I felt terribly disloyal talking about it. I also protected him from the police by not talking to them as I did not want to get him into any trouble. The marriage is over but dont have to be vindictive etc is what I was telling myself.
If I had my time again, I would tell the police. I can see now I have been out for a while how conditioned i was to keeping what was going on behind closed doors. “dont wash your dirty laundry in public” etc. Now I realise that this only benefited him. The fact that I did not speak out meant that people took me less seriously later.
You have done an amazing thing to tell another human being.
I remember when I was on the verge of leaving i went from thinking I was making a big deal out of nothing to thinking it was a big deal and back again hundreds of time. This is part of the process. You can see what is happening and you have moments of clarity and then denial kicks in and you tell yourself you are going mad, you are exaggerating etc. This is part of the conditioning. It is normal. Listen to your gut. what is it saying to you? Which way feels healthy and which way feels like a confusing mess?
Abuse is a cycle. He will be lovely one minute and horrible the next. That is part of the con. It is part of the control that keeps you there. You owe him nothing !!!! leave when he is being nice, leave when he is being horrible it makes no material difference. When you have been away for a bit you will see that. But please do get advice about how you leave and think about your safety.
You dont have to leave straight away, you can do it in your own time this is about you and your choices but do not stay out of any misplaced guilt. Take care of you.
I am glad I got advice before I left and was able to plan to do it safely. It takes huge courage to leave. I left because I thought if I dont do it now I might not ever get the courage to go. I always thought it would be a big thing that would be the final straw, in the end it was a tiny thing that was the straw that broke the camels back and not a big drama at all. I have never regretted my decision to leave. I doubted it for a while and I was afraid I might go back, but now years down the line I have no regrets at all.

[I want to break free]

Yes it is rape. I agree with what others have said here. It is not your fault. You can never be responsible for another’s behaviour. When you are in the middle of abuse it can be really hard to see the truth and to see it for what it is….. its like half seeing it…. you doubt yourself. Even if you had not said No, what you have described is abusive. The fact that you feel that you cannot say no and want to keep the peace etc is a sign of cohesive control. It is not your fault abusers take time to grind us down.
I was never raped but, but I was treated like an object, I was degraded, etc this is so far from what a loving relationship should be. All of it. We deserve better. You deserve better. You deserve to be loved, honoured and respected. This man from what you describe is doing none of that. This is his problem not yours. Dont worry about your kids, making the right decision for you is the right decision for them. A man who behaves like this is likely to be unhealthy for your kids too.

Please do talk to Womens Aid or Rape Crisis and get advice. You deserve far better.

[I want to break free]

Hello Blueparrot – is this the first relationship or the first relationship since an abusive one? If it is the first relationship since an abusive one then you may be suffering from trauma which can give you flash backs and make you react in ways you might not have done before.
In all honesty I think you have to find support for yourself. Learn to understand and love yourself and find healing before you embark on a relationship with someone else. Having said that even when you have done that there will still probably be flash backs etc It helps to think that these emotions will pass and to let them wash over you before reacting.
A supportive partner will not blame you or call you sensitive or say that you have “messed up”. It is easy to repeat patterns be very observant about what is happening and keep talking you are in the right place.

[I want to break free]

Thanks for all your replies. I have been out of an abusive relationship for over (removed by moderator) years but clearly that is not enough !!! I have been on a couple of dates before and they were fun and I was fine. I think the fact that I do know this person and trust him has just made me let my boundaries down to quickly and this is where the problem lies. I have not seen any red flags at all. He has been respectful but I have been distrustful about how he managed to get me to let my boundaries down i.e. calling me beautiful ….. in case it was charm.
I have decided that I will just be friends with the guy and get to know him better and put in some boundaries. I think lesson learnt really and lucky escape ! He seemed serious about me. I was endanger of being swept along by it. He did trigger me in lots of ways and I will have to try to stay away from him until I get my balance back. I think I do long for the love of a decent man. Before that I was actually enjoying being single and recovering etc. I think he will accept being friends only and at least I have not messed up work.
Thanks for all the advice and the reflections lovely ladies !

[I want to break free]

Thanks Serenity ! Its weird isn’t it? I am sort of reassured to know that I am not the only one who is having to deal with it. Its strange how they use the same tactics – like there is an abuser school that they all go to! To be honest I have not logged it. I got so bored of logging everything – now I think I must start logging things again. What did you do with the item of clothing? Did you return it ? or chuck it in the bin? I have to confess I washed it and put it back in the suitcase so it got returned, but now i Ihink that might have been the wrong thing to do. There was an incident earlier in the year that the police said was stalking but you need two incidents in 6 months for it fit with the legal definition of stalking. Now I think this behaviour is quite stakerish. I just know his thinking is warped. I know there is danger – the danger has not yet passed and I need to be vigilant. But I just dont know what else I can do. People tell me I should report it again but honestly its not a crime to be competative or to accidentally send your washing home – Who would listen ? who would give me the time of day? That is how they get away with it for so long – we know the dynamics are disturbing but to others who don’t understand it just sounds like i am being paranoid and over anxious.
Thanks also for your comments confused123 its is good to trust my gut instint – I just dont know what else to do to respond to it now.

[I want to break free]

Partly I wonder if he is doing it to worry me………. he has form on that !

[I want to break free]

The flat is small and she was meant to be sleeping on camp bed but found it uncomfortable. She seems fine with it, but He is the adult he should know its not appropriate.
I am worried about talking to social services as this is not the first time he has been investigated and he always makes it look as if i am being malicious reporting him. Do you think I should challenge him directly first – only concern with that is if he then tries to tell her not to talk to me etc. Its a really fine line between not over reacting but reinforcing boundaries and protecting my daughter. I can not do nothing but I am not sure what is for the best.

[I want to break free]

Thanks for that Serenity – perhaps it is about security. She has said to me that she is still very worried about seeing her Dad , she feels very mixed up about it. Excited and scared. We go to Cahms and she speaks to a doctor there the last time we went she hung on to me and would not let me leave the room, she reverted back to baby behaviour. In someways I see this as a stress reaction and in some ways I see it as her trying to control. I think she is having to adapt to some very tough things. Her anxiety has been so much better so I had thought that we might not need to see cahms anymore and I had said to her. Things are much better – and then she acted out. I think she needs to know people are listening to her etc as she still feels uncertain. Perhaps the idea that Mum is just sitting at home is what she needs to think ….even if I do go out.
Thank you for your post as this feels really new to me and I was all at sea about how to react.

[I want to break free]

Hi Healthyarchive thanks for your message. I have not ready either of those books, I will have to add them to my list. I plan to read The Body keeps the score by Bussel Van De Kolk, next as I have heard that is a good book. I remember when he used to occupy all my thoughts. I think I may have days now when I don’t think about it so much, I think it is a slow process of taking our lives back. For me the divorce and all the legal and financial outworking of ending the relationship are still unraveling, so I guess its not realistic to think I might get through the day without thinking about it, but every hour i focus on myself and my new life is a bonus as it is a step towards freedom. Sometimes I do better than others. I am consciously trying to be boundaried about my thinking. I need to think about it sometimes, to mourn to deal with my emotions, to deal with the practical demands of a divorce etc but thenI think to myself “he has had this time but thats enough and I try to do something for myself or my daughter that will enrich our lives. I was such an addict to this forum in the early days and I did the freedom programme, group therapy and counselling all at different points so it was quite full on but now I am feeling like all that happened is dominating my life a lot less. I think its baby steps !

[I want to break free]

Hi Ladies, this is an interesting discussion. I think trauma bonding is little understood in the wider world. In the early days of leaving people used to say to me “if he was so bad why do you want him back” they thought because I was so upset and because I really wanted him to sort himself out that the abuse could not have been as bad as I said. The truth is it was that bad, but my feelings were all over the place, feelings of loss, missing the good bits, etc. The truth is I wanted the abuse to stop but I was still in love with him. When I read about Trauma bonding it made sense of that experience. I really did want out, but I was in a bereavement process and drama bonding was a strong pull factor back into the madness. If I had not have read about this I probably would have gone back a number of times and who knows what would have happened to me.
For me is was and is a slow process, like stretching elastic bands to keep stretching the bond until it breaks. Mainly I feel free now but still occasionally feel like I wish I could get back with him and that there is a gapping hole in my life. I miss intermacy etc. I still have to see him because of child contact and when I see him and he is being normal its like an amnesia, like it was all a bad dream and I could go back to it tomorrow. But I have to remind myself that his normality is just an illusion and a form of denial for the abuse and violence that took place, like saying it does not matter. Well it does matter and I want to be free, so I go through that thought loop and then I get on with my day!
I used to be on this forum a lot but I am on it less now as my life is moving on slowly and I am trying to get things together and put my energies into life. I would say, dont worry if this forum feels like an addiction. It will pass. This forum as a massive life line for me in the early days. I think it stopped me have a breakdown ! I think that we need to talk about what we have been through and here is a safe place. There is a balance to be struck the more we focus on enriching our lives the better and healthier we will be so constantly looking at the past and being on here 24/7 is probably not great, but if you need it you need it and in the early days of the journey I was on here lots. Someone told me that it takes a year of no contact (even with third parties to break a trauma bond). So its going to take time.

[I want to break free]

Thanks for your responses. I don’t think i am depressed but the divorce etc is constantly on my mind and trying not to let my ex kick me out of our home. I think being a single mum and being constantly on the go does not help.My to do list never seems to get shorter and I am constantly playing catch up! I took a day out today and rested. Hopefully I will get my energy back.

[I want to break free]

Thank you Healthyarchive I have not heard of H G Tudor I will have a look!
I have been “out” for a while but his abusive games have continued – I have been no contact for ages but he is using my child to drag me back. I need to learn how not to react….its really hard when its your child they are messing with.

[I want to break free]

Thanks serenity and 123, I was thinking that this tactic might work for me. I have sort of been doing it already but without knowing the concept. He seems to like the drama and like hurting me and getting a reaction. He has bad mouthed me to every one, driven away close friends, tried to attack my integrity etc but i have maintained a life and have friends and am happy and gradually recovering.
I think he hates this and wants to destroy my mental health, he wants me to be a completely gibbering wreck who still has him at the centre of his world. He used to have been running around after him 24 7 so I had no time for myself and he wants this to continue. he seems very jealous of my life, he seems to almost want to be me or to be better than me, I keep hearing that he is doing things that I am doing, things he used to hate doing or had no interest in ……its spooky. I am worried if Facebook is fueling his jealousy even though I have been very careful about who sees my posts etc . I always give the impression to him and others (off line for him on line for others) that I am getting on with my life etc but i am wondering if this might be a mistake. I have removed so many people from Facebook but if someone who is a mutual friend shows him he has more insight into what to attack.
The last thing he has done is very serious but very subtle but I think and hope that it is about making me feel paralysed by fear so I cannot get on with my life. To be honest i have got quite hardened to his antics but this is one area that has really managed to get to me as it involves my child. He knows this. I just want peace.

[I want to break free]

Thank you for your advice and comments everyone. I am going to ring the helpline and see what they say. To be honest KIP I am thinking about not reacting as I am wondering if to react will make him worse.
I am looking for options to move away too but I dont see why he should force me to move out of the area. I have finally build up good support networks here and it would be a shame for my child to have to change schools. However I also need to get some geographical distance from him. If I move a way it will be once and forever somewhere where he cannot follow as he has a local job.Also I have been told I would not have to disclose a new address.
Thank you Sunshine Rain Flower – I have very little contact with him except through the solicitor and at handover of our child for visiting . I have stopped speaking at Handover recently which I know has made him angry. He used to talk to me as if we were still together. Now I make it clear that he is nothing to me. I always take a third party with me to handover. I had not considered asking someone else to do it. That could be an option. I was told by the police that I have enough to get an anti harassment injunction but i was trying to “keep the peace” so I had not pursued it. I am now thinking I might, but I am balancing it against the idea of ignoring it entirely. I can’t quite work out which option is best at the moment.
KIP he is a pathetical lier but he also seems to have blurry fantasy /reality lines. He scares me because his thinking is quite unhinged. I would not feel safe if he did actually cary out his threat and live very close. I would have no option but to move.

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