I want to break free

[I want to break free]

Thanks Lover of no contact. That is helpful. Not let is show but have plan B ready if he follows through. I probably need to do some work about reducing contact at handover too which will pave the way for an order if I need to. we only communicate though email but he tries to engage me in conversation at handovers. getting someone else to do it might be a good plan

Many thanks everyone. I think my statergy is clearer in my head now !

[I want to break free]

congratulations confused and alone you have made a big step by telling someone else. I kept everything secret until very shortly before I left and I felt terribly disloyal talking about it. I also protected him from the police by not talking to them as I did not want to get him into any trouble. The marriage is over but dont have to be vindictive etc is what I was telling myself.
If I had my time again, I would tell the police. I can see now I have been out for a while how conditioned i was to keeping what was going on behind closed doors. “dont wash your dirty laundry in public” etc. Now I realise that this only benefited him. The fact that I did not speak out meant that people took me less seriously later.
You have done an amazing thing to tell another human being.
I remember when I was on the verge of leaving i went from thinking I was making a big deal out of nothing to thinking it was a big deal and back again hundreds of time. This is part of the process. You can see what is happening and you have moments of clarity and then denial kicks in and you tell yourself you are going mad, you are exaggerating etc. This is part of the conditioning. It is normal. Listen to your gut. what is it saying to you? Which way feels healthy and which way feels like a confusing mess?
Abuse is a cycle. He will be lovely one minute and horrible the next. That is part of the con. It is part of the control that keeps you there. You owe him nothing !!!! leave when he is being nice, leave when he is being horrible it makes no material difference. When you have been away for a bit you will see that. But please do get advice about how you leave and think about your safety.
You dont have to leave straight away, you can do it in your own time this is about you and your choices but do not stay out of any misplaced guilt. Take care of you.
I am glad I got advice before I left and was able to plan to do it safely. It takes huge courage to leave. I left because I thought if I dont do it now I might not ever get the courage to go. I always thought it would be a big thing that would be the final straw, in the end it was a tiny thing that was the straw that broke the camels back and not a big drama at all. I have never regretted my decision to leave. I doubted it for a while and I was afraid I might go back, but now years down the line I have no regrets at all.

[I want to break free]

Yes it is rape. I agree with what others have said here. It is not your fault. You can never be responsible for another’s behaviour. When you are in the middle of abuse it can be really hard to see the truth and to see it for what it is….. its like half seeing it…. you doubt yourself. Even if you had not said No, what you have described is abusive. The fact that you feel that you cannot say no and want to keep the peace etc is a sign of cohesive control. It is not your fault abusers take time to grind us down.
I was never raped but, but I was treated like an object, I was degraded, etc this is so far from what a loving relationship should be. All of it. We deserve better. You deserve better. You deserve to be loved, honoured and respected. This man from what you describe is doing none of that. This is his problem not yours. Dont worry about your kids, making the right decision for you is the right decision for them. A man who behaves like this is likely to be unhealthy for your kids too.

Please do talk to Womens Aid or Rape Crisis and get advice. You deserve far better.

[I want to break free]

Hello Blueparrot – is this the first relationship or the first relationship since an abusive one? If it is the first relationship since an abusive one then you may be suffering from trauma which can give you flash backs and make you react in ways you might not have done before.
In all honesty I think you have to find support for yourself. Learn to understand and love yourself and find healing before you embark on a relationship with someone else. Having said that even when you have done that there will still probably be flash backs etc It helps to think that these emotions will pass and to let them wash over you before reacting.
A supportive partner will not blame you or call you sensitive or say that you have “messed up”. It is easy to repeat patterns be very observant about what is happening and keep talking you are in the right place.

[I want to break free]

Thanks for all your replies. I have been out of an abusive relationship for over (removed by moderator) years but clearly that is not enough !!! I have been on a couple of dates before and they were fun and I was fine. I think the fact that I do know this person and trust him has just made me let my boundaries down to quickly and this is where the problem lies. I have not seen any red flags at all. He has been respectful but I have been distrustful about how he managed to get me to let my boundaries down i.e. calling me beautiful ….. in case it was charm.
I have decided that I will just be friends with the guy and get to know him better and put in some boundaries. I think lesson learnt really and lucky escape ! He seemed serious about me. I was endanger of being swept along by it. He did trigger me in lots of ways and I will have to try to stay away from him until I get my balance back. I think I do long for the love of a decent man. Before that I was actually enjoying being single and recovering etc. I think he will accept being friends only and at least I have not messed up work.
Thanks for all the advice and the reflections lovely ladies !

[I want to break free]

Thanks Serenity ! Its weird isn’t it? I am sort of reassured to know that I am not the only one who is having to deal with it. Its strange how they use the same tactics – like there is an abuser school that they all go to! To be honest I have not logged it. I got so bored of logging everything – now I think I must start logging things again. What did you do with the item of clothing? Did you return it ? or chuck it in the bin? I have to confess I washed it and put it back in the suitcase so it got returned, but now i Ihink that might have been the wrong thing to do. There was an incident earlier in the year that the police said was stalking but you need two incidents in 6 months for it fit with the legal definition of stalking. Now I think this behaviour is quite stakerish. I just know his thinking is warped. I know there is danger – the danger has not yet passed and I need to be vigilant. But I just dont know what else I can do. People tell me I should report it again but honestly its not a crime to be competative or to accidentally send your washing home – Who would listen ? who would give me the time of day? That is how they get away with it for so long – we know the dynamics are disturbing but to others who don’t understand it just sounds like i am being paranoid and over anxious.
Thanks also for your comments confused123 its is good to trust my gut instint – I just dont know what else to do to respond to it now.

[I want to break free]

Partly I wonder if he is doing it to worry me………. he has form on that !

[I want to break free]

The flat is small and she was meant to be sleeping on camp bed but found it uncomfortable. She seems fine with it, but He is the adult he should know its not appropriate.
I am worried about talking to social services as this is not the first time he has been investigated and he always makes it look as if i am being malicious reporting him. Do you think I should challenge him directly first – only concern with that is if he then tries to tell her not to talk to me etc. Its a really fine line between not over reacting but reinforcing boundaries and protecting my daughter. I can not do nothing but I am not sure what is for the best.

[I want to break free]

Thanks for that Serenity – perhaps it is about security. She has said to me that she is still very worried about seeing her Dad , she feels very mixed up about it. Excited and scared. We go to Cahms and she speaks to a doctor there the last time we went she hung on to me and would not let me leave the room, she reverted back to baby behaviour. In someways I see this as a stress reaction and in some ways I see it as her trying to control. I think she is having to adapt to some very tough things. Her anxiety has been so much better so I had thought that we might not need to see cahms anymore and I had said to her. Things are much better – and then she acted out. I think she needs to know people are listening to her etc as she still feels uncertain. Perhaps the idea that Mum is just sitting at home is what she needs to think ….even if I do go out.
Thank you for your post as this feels really new to me and I was all at sea about how to react.

[I want to break free]

Hi Healthyarchive thanks for your message. I have not ready either of those books, I will have to add them to my list. I plan to read The Body keeps the score by Bussel Van De Kolk, next as I have heard that is a good book. I remember when he used to occupy all my thoughts. I think I may have days now when I don’t think about it so much, I think it is a slow process of taking our lives back. For me the divorce and all the legal and financial outworking of ending the relationship are still unraveling, so I guess its not realistic to think I might get through the day without thinking about it, but every hour i focus on myself and my new life is a bonus as it is a step towards freedom. Sometimes I do better than others. I am consciously trying to be boundaried about my thinking. I need to think about it sometimes, to mourn to deal with my emotions, to deal with the practical demands of a divorce etc but thenI think to myself “he has had this time but thats enough and I try to do something for myself or my daughter that will enrich our lives. I was such an addict to this forum in the early days and I did the freedom programme, group therapy and counselling all at different points so it was quite full on but now I am feeling like all that happened is dominating my life a lot less. I think its baby steps !

[I want to break free]

Hi Ladies, this is an interesting discussion. I think trauma bonding is little understood in the wider world. In the early days of leaving people used to say to me “if he was so bad why do you want him back” they thought because I was so upset and because I really wanted him to sort himself out that the abuse could not have been as bad as I said. The truth is it was that bad, but my feelings were all over the place, feelings of loss, missing the good bits, etc. The truth is I wanted the abuse to stop but I was still in love with him. When I read about Trauma bonding it made sense of that experience. I really did want out, but I was in a bereavement process and drama bonding was a strong pull factor back into the madness. If I had not have read about this I probably would have gone back a number of times and who knows what would have happened to me.
For me is was and is a slow process, like stretching elastic bands to keep stretching the bond until it breaks. Mainly I feel free now but still occasionally feel like I wish I could get back with him and that there is a gapping hole in my life. I miss intermacy etc. I still have to see him because of child contact and when I see him and he is being normal its like an amnesia, like it was all a bad dream and I could go back to it tomorrow. But I have to remind myself that his normality is just an illusion and a form of denial for the abuse and violence that took place, like saying it does not matter. Well it does matter and I want to be free, so I go through that thought loop and then I get on with my day!
I used to be on this forum a lot but I am on it less now as my life is moving on slowly and I am trying to get things together and put my energies into life. I would say, dont worry if this forum feels like an addiction. It will pass. This forum as a massive life line for me in the early days. I think it stopped me have a breakdown ! I think that we need to talk about what we have been through and here is a safe place. There is a balance to be struck the more we focus on enriching our lives the better and healthier we will be so constantly looking at the past and being on here 24/7 is probably not great, but if you need it you need it and in the early days of the journey I was on here lots. Someone told me that it takes a year of no contact (even with third parties to break a trauma bond). So its going to take time.

[I want to break free]

Thanks for your responses. I don’t think i am depressed but the divorce etc is constantly on my mind and trying not to let my ex kick me out of our home. I think being a single mum and being constantly on the go does not help.My to do list never seems to get shorter and I am constantly playing catch up! I took a day out today and rested. Hopefully I will get my energy back.

[I want to break free]

Thank you Healthyarchive I have not heard of H G Tudor I will have a look!
I have been “out” for a while but his abusive games have continued – I have been no contact for ages but he is using my child to drag me back. I need to learn how not to react….its really hard when its your child they are messing with.

[I want to break free]

Thanks serenity and 123, I was thinking that this tactic might work for me. I have sort of been doing it already but without knowing the concept. He seems to like the drama and like hurting me and getting a reaction. He has bad mouthed me to every one, driven away close friends, tried to attack my integrity etc but i have maintained a life and have friends and am happy and gradually recovering.
I think he hates this and wants to destroy my mental health, he wants me to be a completely gibbering wreck who still has him at the centre of his world. He used to have been running around after him 24 7 so I had no time for myself and he wants this to continue. he seems very jealous of my life, he seems to almost want to be me or to be better than me, I keep hearing that he is doing things that I am doing, things he used to hate doing or had no interest in ……its spooky. I am worried if Facebook is fueling his jealousy even though I have been very careful about who sees my posts etc . I always give the impression to him and others (off line for him on line for others) that I am getting on with my life etc but i am wondering if this might be a mistake. I have removed so many people from Facebook but if someone who is a mutual friend shows him he has more insight into what to attack.
The last thing he has done is very serious but very subtle but I think and hope that it is about making me feel paralysed by fear so I cannot get on with my life. To be honest i have got quite hardened to his antics but this is one area that has really managed to get to me as it involves my child. He knows this. I just want peace.

[I want to break free]

Totally recognise this behaviour ……. he is playing the victim and making out you are the abusive one….. this is text book stuff but no less maddening and hard to cope with.
I too have had to put up with the “bad relationship dynamics” line and accusations that I caused the abuse or that it was 50/50 we were both as abusive as each other etc…….. None of this is true ………abusers cause abuse full stop.
It is so hard when other people try in their ignorance to define our reality. its like constantly being told that black is white …… it can nor away at our own confidence in our own perceptions.
Do rant away its good to get it out !!!!!
These people are ignorant of the dynamics of abuse, They are blind, they are in denial.
You have the right to define your own truth and write your own narrative about your life. You know the truth hang on to that. I doubt he will stick to the no contact thing if it does not get the response he wants …… its just another control tactic but you enjoy the peace while it lasts and put in no contact boundaries for yourself. You will feel heaps better the less contact you have with his distorted thinking .
I have to have contact with my ex because of contact with his child etc but i keep it to the absolute minimum. Short emails only and only things that are 100% nesseesary.

Take care x

[I want to break free]

Hi Ayanna. I share some of the frustration you are expressing about the family court system. It does need reforming.

I am not sure where you are in the divorce process. I am also being divorced on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. I should have divorced him but i have been too traumatised to start the paper work so he got in first. He has made up ridiculous reasons for divorcing me – all lies.
Do you want out of the marriage ? I am assuming you do. I was told by my solicitor that the grounds for divorce dont really matter and that in the end its just a formality. It wont change how things are divided etc . I have formally denighed the unreasonable behaviour but have not contested the divorce.
I know it is a huge slap in the face to have fleeing for your life described as unreasonable behaviour but the courts should be able to see through it. Did you get a Non MoL this is normally also sited on the paper work – any judge should be able to read between the lines.
Save yourself the heart ache if you can – he is an abusive man he is bound to say stupid things. Try to let it go, though it is terrible. what he says is of no consequence it can not effect you in any way. So protect yourself emotionally from his stupidness. In the end when it is over we will both be FREE!!!!
Sending you hugs because I know its hard and much easier said than done !

[I want to break free]

Thanks for your wise words everybody. I have felt slightly more calm today. I think I got a fair bit of my anxiety out yesterday so I have felt more peaceful today. It is so good to hear that people got results they were happy with through court. It is wonderful to be free from fear when fear has gripped me so much the day before. I am going to have to work on being as positive as I can in the coming weeks and making the best of it until the situation passes. I can feel the tension building again – hense being on here at this time of night !

I do think I need the protection and boundaries that a court order offers or it will go on so yes maybe I will feel better once I am out the other side of it.

Love the image white rose that made me laugh! I have a similar way of dealing with my abusive ex I have depersonalised it by thinking that he is abusive because he is an abuser. It is his nature, he can no more stop being abusive than a duck can stop quacking. So now when he is abusive i say to myself “the duck is quaking” and that seems to make it smaller in my head! After all you can ignore a duck quacking – it is not significant. Thinking like this reduces my fear.

I do find court cases testing times. If we can keep ourselves sane and continue to be good parents through this pressure then we ought to be able to do anything!

[I want to break free]

Thank you Serenity – I have just found it hard as all the way along I have felt he has got away with so many lies and people don’t seem to see through him. I have had some horrible emails from him and these are playing on my mind but his abuse was always psychological and this is no exception – so I know I am playing into his hands if I dont keep a hold of my head!
You hear so many horror stories………… I just get to the point when I feel that the worse case scenario is enviable and then I get so full of fear.
Its good to hear some encouraging stories !

[I want to break free]

Hi Lover of no contact – thank you so much for your post. I am sitting here reading it through my tears (tears better out than in i suppose) as you have totally summed up how I am feeling right now. I feel quite paralysed by fear. Sad thing is I have worked quite hard on my recovery and have been feeling less fearful etc.
Thank you so much for your inspirational post. When I am in the grip of fear I find it hard to believe that people will see through him – I just think he will hood wink everyone. Sometimes it feels like noone believes me! I too am suffering from worst case scenario thinking and feeling very tearful and panicky.
I am trying to busy myself in preparing – getting a safety plan for my daughter organised so that even if the worse happens I am still prepared. I know the courts will not give him the “moon and the stars” but it still strikes fear in my heart! Thank you so much for putting it into perspective ! Might have to read your post a few times to remind myself that they are text book and I am not the only person on the planet that can see what he is up to!!! Thank you x

[I want to break free]

Dear everyone,

thanks for the support and encouragement – I guess I dont get that much “me” time with my daughter so what ever i do to widen my circle needs to include her!! But I am inspired by your creative ideas- I think i do need to make more of an effort. I was a popular person and had lots of friends before this happened, I did not realise but although he isolated me I was still able to see people when he was not around – now I have to work longer hours and juggle with taking my daughter to contact etc it seems harder.

[I want to break free]

Hi Libby,

You are not mad at all. You are reacting normally to an abnormal situation. It is such early days for you. I expect your head is spinning. When we have been in a state of high alert for a long time it takes our bodies along time to respond to the change in circumstance so you will still have all the fight or flight hormones flying round your body. Your mind has not had a chance to process much yet and it must feel quite overwhelming.

Be gentle with yourself do lots of things to relax, exercise can be good to burn the adrenaline if you are able to – a gentle walk is enough. BE gentle with yourself….. recovery takes time.

I can really relate to your description of the world closing on you. Do you remember those films when someone is in a room and the walls start moving inwards? When I am anxious I feel like the walls are closing in-in my head and I find it hard to think.

I have been out for a while now and the anxiety does ease – it is not so intense now but it does still come and go and I have good days and bad days but I have more good days than bad days now.
Thanks for posting. I hope you will be feeling better soon and able to enjoy being safe.

[I want to break free]

Yes Confused123 its strange to see post separation abuse as a blessing but I know exactly what you mean. He showed his true colours so much more after the split and I have watched for signs of change but they have never come and he has continued to be abusive in what ever avenue he has available to him and so it went on. If he had cried crocodile tears and said the right things I would have taken him back in an instant but the post separation abuse went on and on and now even if he really did change now I would not take him back. Its OVER and I accept it now but boy did it take a long time to reach that point!

[I want to break free]

Hi Mixed up Mum, Just want to say well done for managing to keep your freelance business going with everything that you have been through. I am freelance too and my business took a huge hit when my marriage broke up and it still has not recovered as yet.
I got one big client and have been working from their office. I would normally work from home but found that working in their office was better for my mental health. That said there are still days I struggle to work and in the early days I did not think I would manage.

I agree with what others have said about putting up boundaries. I think calling to make an appointment and having opening hours would seem sensible and reasonable (although I don’t obviously know what you do). I can not see why either of those changes would raise any objections as they are just want you expect from a business.
I know it can be incredibly hard to set boundaries, especially after what we have been through but you may be surprised if you bite the bullet it may end up being easier than you imagined and people might respond better than you think. You have a right to have those boundaries and you do not have to “please others”. Abusers take that away from us so that we think that we cannot do it or that we are somehow being selfish etc.
My advice – feel the fear and do it anyway!! you will probably be surprised by the results!!!

I wish you well with it…. let us know how you get on !

[I want to break free]

Hi JustMum, I am not at all sure how I managed to leave looking back. It was just sheer terror that he was about to kill me. That and my little girl saying “Daddy is scary” that woke me up out of my denial and made me take action. I always thought it would be something big that would push me over the edge and make me finally leave – in the end it was something tiny and stepping back and seeing the bigger picture.

Even when I took action I did not want to. I did not accept that it was over, I hoped he would come to his senses etc. I had to force myself to take action and i knew if I did not leave at that point perhaps I never would.

I am probably not the best person to ask about the police – I did not really go to the police much and I did not have a great experience. However that was because when he assaulted me the final time – he blamed it on me and they arrested me too!!!
If you go off your own back and make a report you should get better treatment.

For me I got a Non – Mol looking back I forced myself to do it and I felt physically sick when i went to court. I felt guilty and empty – it was a horrible feeling but that Non Mol has served me well. I dont think I could have got out of the relationship without it and he would NEVER left me alone. The Non Mol gave me a breathing space and i missed him like crazy and really mourned the relationship and could easily of broken the Non Mol on many occasions but it gave me time to understand what had happened and build up my strength etc.

I dont know how old your children are or if they want to see your ex-partner but there are options – my non mol allowed for communication about finances and contact via e-mail and we arranged contact in a contact centre. It was horrible to go for the first time and I had to hold back the tears but I can honestly say that the contact centre has been such a lifeline.
If you dont do contact centre you can arrange for contact via a third party. I think the womens centre will be able to help you think it through. I had no idea how ANYTHING would work before the NON Mol as I said it was fear that drove me in the end to get it. But step by step things did get sorted. Be gentle with yourself, get advice and take baby steps towards your goals.

[I want to break free]

Thanks SaharaD for your incite. I must make it clear that my worries are paranoia on top of domestic violence. As I know most people with mental illness are not any sort of threat to others. There was always a paranoid quality to his abuse but sometimes I am sure he knew what he was doing and it was part of his control and others he really looked like he believed the rubbish he was spouting.
In one of the episodes he said he thought he had a Borderline Personality Disorder, but he refused to go to the doctor to discuss his paranoid thoughts. When I read about it online it seemed to describe him to a tee! If he was diagnosed and got treatment – it would give us a way forward in relation to child contact etc but I can’t see that ever happening. I think he has a streak of Narcism within what ever he has as he has delusions of grandure too.

I just feel bit like a sitting duck waiting for him to do something else. He is afraid of loosing his job or going to prison and that is a restraining factor but if he has a paranoid episode then there is no saying what he might do. I am spooked but perhaps thats what he wants? to Scare me? He has managed to hold down a job etc if he was mentally ill it he might not be able to do that. At the moment his animosity is being channelled into spreading rumours and lies to anyone who will listen and through court. But when this is over he will need to find another channel.

I just feel vulnerable

I think Karma Sister is right, I need to heed my instincts and look for ways to reduce my vulnerability.

[I want to break free]

Hi JustMum. I just wanted to say that my ex was always a nightmare at Christmas and around birthdays. The abuse would build up sometimes months before. This christmas I read somewhere online that domestic abuse increases over christmas. I did not know this before but it was the case for me. I was threatened with a knife and I could tell no one what just happened – had loads of visitors and just had to play happy families like nothing had happened. it was so isolating and lonely. I did not dare to voice the truth to anyone what was really happening. Its was a sort of denial – if I told noone then maybe it was not happening.
Please dont beat yourself up for staying and giving him another chance. We have a lot invested in these relationships and because we are kind, good people we want to believe the best in people. It takes along time for truth to dawn and to realise HE WILL NEVER CHANGE – people said it to me and I did not believe them. I got out and still hoped he would change – so far he never has.

I colluded with my abuser. Did not report things, protected him, minimised the abuse and pretended it was not that bad etc. I think it is very common to do these things.

I dont know so much about Stockholm syndrome but “trauma bonding” is another word for it. Have a google and see what it says but basically because the abuser is nice and horrible we end up bonding in a stronger way than a normal relationship and it can make it very hard to leave. For me it was like a spiritual awakening. Like leaving a cult…… to suddenly realise what was happening and see things for what they really were. To see the control even when he was being nice etc. It really does take time. Baby steps. Try and read about abuse if you have the opportunity and post here etc I found it built up my inner strength.

Please keep posting, we are here for you

[I want to break free]

Hi Thanks Confused 123. I have been “out of the relationship” for quite come time although court proceedings rumble on. I have lost so many so called friends through this as I have distanced myself from mutual friends etc. Did try and keep them and be boundaried etc but it did not work and I kept getting triggered by things they said. Made me feel ill. I have lots of friends locally but not all that local when you have work and school pick ups etc we can’t see each other that often.
I thought my friendships were settling down and I knew who I could trust etc. He has spread rumours and told lies but by now I thought those that know me, know they are not true and my circle was tight. So it has come as a rude awakening that my friend started spouting his rubbish. How many more friends will I have to loose to be free from abuse? He seems to have an active camping to alienate as many people from me as possible. (nothing I can prove but I know what he is doing)
You dont need many close friends just a few but I am now feeling very isolated and not knowing what to do. He has cut me off from my religious community too. I need to widen my circle but it seems hard to meet new people when I am going through all this. I guess I am just wondering what ties me to the area, even though I have lived here for many years.

[I want to break free]

Hi Mixed up Mum – Yes I am sure we did talk before on the old site ….. I have only just found my way back. My friend is a very good friend, she has really been there for me but she has started mixing with people who mix with him and she is someone who is easily influenced. It shocked me to realise that she was thinking the way she was about me and clearly she has been talking to other the people who mix with him so she is not a “safe” person. It has all come as a bit of a shock.
My ex was violent on a number of occasions but I now realise that psychological abuse was his favourite tactic – he has been subtly harassing me and playing games with me since I left and telling people lies and spreading rumours is what he does. He does it subtly, I am not sure how he does it but I recognised his words coming out of her mouth even through I dont think she has had direct contact with him …. I found it very scary today I was almost too frightened to go out of the house. The world seemed like such a hostile place. I really have not felt like that for months!

One of the other things that concerns me is that he has said on many occasions that he has paranoid thoughts. He was very paranoid when I got the Non Mol. The more insight I get into his mind the less safe I feel and moving away might make me safer?

[I want to break free]

Thanks for the advice. I am fighting it and hope it wont come to that but knowing how it has gone thus far I think I can only fend off the evil day for so long. Can I give my child a mobile phone for emergencies etc. My fear is that he will shout or scare her and I want her to be able to call for help. She is primary school age. Obviously I would make sure NET access was on enabled etc

[I want to break free]

Thank you for your advice and comments everyone. I am going to ring the helpline and see what they say. To be honest KIP I am thinking about not reacting as I am wondering if to react will make him worse.
I am looking for options to move away too but I dont see why he should force me to move out of the area. I have finally build up good support networks here and it would be a shame for my child to have to change schools. However I also need to get some geographical distance from him. If I move a way it will be once and forever somewhere where he cannot follow as he has a local job.Also I have been told I would not have to disclose a new address.
Thank you Sunshine Rain Flower – I have very little contact with him except through the solicitor and at handover of our child for visiting . I have stopped speaking at Handover recently which I know has made him angry. He used to talk to me as if we were still together. Now I make it clear that he is nothing to me. I always take a third party with me to handover. I had not considered asking someone else to do it. That could be an option. I was told by the police that I have enough to get an anti harassment injunction but i was trying to “keep the peace” so I had not pursued it. I am now thinking I might, but I am balancing it against the idea of ignoring it entirely. I can’t quite work out which option is best at the moment.
KIP he is a pathetical lier but he also seems to have blurry fantasy /reality lines. He scares me because his thinking is quite unhinged. I would not feel safe if he did actually cary out his threat and live very close. I would have no option but to move.

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