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    • #63543
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Hi,

      Well done on spotting the red flags and having the courage to stick to your boundaries!

      This is something that plays on my mind a little sometimes- the idea of being intimate with someone again. My ex was my only lover (well only male lover but that’s a different(complicated) story) and we were together for a very long time. After what he put me through using sexual coersion to punish, degrade and break me, the idea of letting a man that close to me again is very anxious making. I still have a sex drive – I want to have intimacy, in fact am dying for a good snog! Lol! But the reality dawns and I wonder if I’m too damaged emotionally to ever be able to be that vulnerable again. I do feel I’m getting on a bit – but I think thats more a self-confidence issue more than anything.

      Otherwise I am doing ok. Mostly ups, a few wobbles but as I read today:

      I am in the process of emergence and no longer in a state of emergency.

      Take care,
      Iwillbeok x

    • #63528
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Hi survivorandproud, this could fit in with the other signs of PTSD and seems to be very common in survivors of trauma. I had very vivid dreams, not immediately after but a while after I was free. I think it was my mind processing things now that I was safe. I do not recall having dreams for a very, very long time before that. Interestingly, as I went through counselling and no contact the dreams changed. I began to answer back in my dreams – something I hadn’t dared do to him in real life. I have had trouble sleeping on occassion usually when stressed, or there has veen some kind of trigger. My GP prescribed valium (* can’t remember its new name). I found this helped and found no ill effects in the few times I’ve taken it.

      It would be worth talking to your GP.

      Iwillbeok x

    • #63512
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      itwillbeokay,

      Sending you healing hugs! This is the pits – questioning everything. “It wasn’t that bad., was it?” “Maybe it was me?” etc etc. But the longer we are out of it and away from their toxicity the more clear it becomes. You need No Contact with him or his toxic relatives.

      You say “He wasn’t horrid all the time.” but the fact is he was horrid some of the time and that is enough! We deserve to be treated with respect, care and love all the time. When I think back to my marriage, of course we had some wonderful times but that does not make up for the times I was walking on eggshells, stuck in a fog of fear and guilt, being made to feel worthless, being blamed for everything wrong in his life, the boasting about how wonderfully people saw him outside the home, doing everything for him but still not being enough! All that for a few laughs, a few intimate moments? I’d rather do without – but I’m not! I have my children who I can now revel in their company and sense of humour; I now have friends who genuinely care about me (who actually seek my company which felt so foreign at first!); and I have reconnected with my lovely non-toxic family. I don’t need him. Him and his conditional love. His temper tantrums. His sulks. His coercion. His guilt. Good riddance to bad rubbish!

      There is nothing to be gained in responding and defending yourself (not that you have done anything wrong!) – they won’t hear it. You will possibly just end up in a toxic texting match – which will only make you feel worse. No contact is the way to go. Do not engage – it just gives them more oxygen and ammunition. The best way to avoid losing the games they play is just to not join in!

      Stay strong, big hugs,

      Iwillbeok x

    • #63511
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      I think you have done the right thing. You had already expressed to him what your boundaries were, he said he accepted these and then he chose to test them – twice! Who needs to be told twice?! No is no! “Not even a little bit” – what the hell is that about? Clearly someone who is not interested in your wellbeing. I am so glad for you that he did stop. Well done for sticking to your boundaries and cutting him off.

      Iwillbeok x

    • #63453
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Invisible, when my head and heart were at war with other I listened to my gut instincts. They over-rode both and said “get out, get out now!”

      I can so understand when you write:

      I spend my life trying to avoid eggshells. I’ve done some really crazy stuff, just to avoid getting him angry.

      I did some crazy things that went so far against who I truly am as a person just to avoid setting him off. Either the rants about how everything was my fault or the sulking silent treatments.

      The facts remain that it was his treatmentof me, the atmosphere he set up where I became fearful of him that meant we couldn’t have an honest, sharing relationship. I startedto even keep my good news to myself for fear he would taint it. This was me actually clinging onto my self esteem for dear life!

      It was quite a shock to me to find that so many abusers had the same aspects to them. That the patterns of how these abusers treat us are so often repeated among survivors. I recall reading others experiences and thinking “oh, I thought that was just him. Just how he was.”

      Keep posting, keep reading, stay strong and stay safe

      Iwillbeok x

    • #63350
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Thank you SaS, I saw yours earlier and I felt much of it was true for me too. I have lines pop into my head at random moments but then I lose them again. I might get a little notebook to carry with me to jot them down.

      Iwillbeok x

    • #63331
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Oh hon. I’m sending you big hugs! The things you have mentioned (niggling, silent treatment, controlling who you see, him feeling ‘left out’, the physical restraint and physical violence against you) are classic signs of domestic abuse. You have likely felt the increasing pressure and tension of your relationship and lashed out due to frustration. The mind games these abusers can play with us are brain aching!

      Please don’t minimise and discount your experiences – they may not be as bad as someone else has gone through but it is still having a detrimental effect on your happiness and self esteem. So often we as the sufferer of these abuses, look to ourselves – what did I do wrong? How could I have handled that differently? The truth is these abusers will continue no matter what we do.

      Please call Women’s Aid and have a chat. Google the cycle of abuse (him being all apologetic and the long silent periods between you plays into this). I’m glad to hear that you are being seen separately in counselling – too often the abuse continues into the counselling sessions and afterwards.

      If you can, read The Dominator by Pat Craven, and Lundy Bancroft’s book Why does he do that? Both very insightful into the mind of the abuser. Please take care though – when these men are called out on their behaviour this is the most dangerous time, that and when women try to leave.

      iwillbeok x

    • #63330
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Thanks FTC – interesting reading, makes a lot of sense.
      iwillbeok x

    • #63211
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Marsophollie – I am so sorry that you are going through this horrible experience. I was able to get a non-mol/occupation order and it was worth the wait and every penny. I truly hope your situation is sorted soon.

      FTC – thank you for your reply (btw this post is only a day old). I have had further information that he believes that my child is being ‘fed’ the right things to say. That her messages have actually come from me! When I was the one who was trying very hard to discourage her from sending them. As this is exactly the can of worms I was hoping to avoid.

      In the cold light of day, I believe my reaction to this relative is not an over-reaction. I will still be in contact with them, but will not be nearly so open with them again.

      Iwillbeok x

    • #63145
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Hi hon, I struggled through this question during my therapy and it still blindsides me evey now and again. It is such a difficult idea for us, who are so caring and giving and see the worls ‘with the benefit of the doubt’. I didn’t see his abuse til the dramatic end of our relationship- where I could no longer ignore the manipulation, cruelty, humiliation and egg shells I was being made to walk on. His true colours became so clear and what also became cleae was that he knew precisely what he was doibg! He had finally lost the mask and showed me, through his actions, exaclty how he saw me (his slave, subservient to him) through our whole long marriage! He had just been so subtle up until this last row that I hadn’t picked up on it.

      If you can safely – please call the helpline or go to a drop in outreach session. Read Lundy Bancroft’s book “why does he do that?”. Keep posting, keep reading and reach out for help hon. You deserve to be happy, treated with respect and feel safe.

      Iwillbeok x

    • #63089
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      I know what you mean maddog! Just when you think things are going ok, something comes along to pull the rug out. I’ve had a pretty shocking day for things blind-siding me – I’d love to talk about them but they’re quite specific and would ‘out’ me! I’ve now gone and had a touch too much wine. So am teetering between euphoric (I survived him and I have survived these ‘hiccups’ (pftt – actually more like boulders!) in the road) and wanting to just curl up on the floor and just sob!

      I’m sorry that you’ve hit this stress in your life and hope it can all be sorted out without too much bother!

      Iwillbeok x

    • #63064
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      That is fantastic news! Well done! X
      💥🌹🎈🥇

    • #62844
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Love this post! I think ‘self care’ has become another thing on the ‘to do’ list to feel bad about not doing! We do actually self care all the time – as Tiffany put it ‘making time to shower is self care’. The trick is becoming aware of it – being in the moment and really savouring the cup of tea, feeling the sun/wind/rain when we are outside. I am trying less phone time as my self care. Actually looking around me as I walk along, look out the window of public transport rather than having my head stuck in my phone, numbing out. I’ve tried more reading – I used to be able to read a short book in a day sometimes! I find now though that my attention just doesn’t stick. I read a chapter then wander off onto another book. But I am being gentle on myself about this. I have also recently discovered audio books – still getting used to it but it seems like a good way to get back into books for me.

      Sometimes self care is doing the washing up with the radio on – he only liked certain music that I played. Now I like all different sorts and dance in the kitchen (much to the children’s disgust! Hahaha!).

      Take care,
      Iwillbeok x

    • #62843
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Hi hon, I couldn’t just read your post without replying. I am so sorry, but it seems to me that you are indeed in another abusive relationship. My heart just sank when I read “he says quick its your boyfriend” as my ex did a version of this. If I reacted badly – I was being defensive so it must be true; if I ignored it – I wasn’t denying it so it must be true. No way to win.

      Mine never raised my hand to me or our kids (though the tantrums at objects! which is still threat of physical) – its the subtle putdowns, the time keeping, accusations of cheating, the anger when I didn’t answer my phone, the walking on eggshells, it all adds up.

      You’ve survived an abusive relationship before – you can do it again! Grab all the resources you can – call WA, see your GP, keep posting on here. You and your children deserve to be safe and happy.

      Take care,
      Iwillbeok x

    • #62678
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Best of luck hon! Xx

    • #62384
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Hi TeaTeaTea and welcome. It can be an extremely confusing time when we start to question if our situation is abusive or not, so well done for rrqching out. I know full well the feeling of wondering if all the ‘little things’ are symptoms of something bigger. I found it useful to just start writing a list of all the things that irked me. When I first started I thought to nyself “oh, this is just a whiny wife list” but I kept at it and was surprised what became apparent. It’s not so much each little thing but the patterns. The pattern of entitlement, double standards, subtle put-downs, sarcasm, undermining etc. So much of which I recognise from your short list (so far!).

      The other useful advice given on here was to think about what you might say to a friend who cinfided this list to you? We become so used to these behaviours over time and begin to believe what these manipulators say that we minimise them and brush them off over and over again. This is due to our boundaries and self esteem and confidence slowly being eroded.

      Google terms such as the abuse cycle and vognitive dissonance. Keep posting and reading on here – there are so many wise women who have been/are going through this. Please don’t discuss what you learn with him. This opens an opportunity for him to further undermine you as well as giving him hints that you are aware what he is doing – this is the most dangerous time for an abused woman.

      Lastly I would say, trust your gut. We learn as women to ignore our intuitions at the expense of being polite, not appearing tough, etc etc. Your intuition is speaking to you in questioning his behaviour.

      Take care and stay safe.

      Iwillbeok x

    • #62341
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Thank you KIP and ftc,

      I am worn out! Teen is being anxious, defiant, isolated and very clingy in equal measures! So being a normal teen I guess! However, I feel there is a lot of unresolved trauma and self-esteem issues. They had some counselling a while ago now, and I saw a big improvement. I don’t know that specific DV issues were discussed though I did discuss these at the assessment when we first met with the counsellor. Teen is constantly apologising and is hyper-vigilant to my moods (which can make it very tough for me to process my healing!). They also quite often go through periods of asking me, numerous times in a short while, whether I love them and/or why I love them. I have (heavily) suggested more counselling / help lines / journaling (all the things that have helped me) but am met with “That wont help.” “There’s no-one I can talk to.” (as in teen has already decided in their own mind that they won’t be able to talk to anybody – it’s not about the counsellor it’s about them); etc. I just try and continue to offer support and let them know that the minute they do feel able to reach out I will arrange it asap.

      Teen doesn’t want to upset me by talking about things either (but then usually does anyway!). On top of all this older teen is now living most of the time with abuser. I just keep re-iterating that my door is always open; and when we are together, try as hard as possible to show that things can be different now to how they used to be (I try to draw firm boundaries about how we talk to each other, and treat each other) and as a result we have a lot more fun and laughter. I don’t want to add pressure to older teen that I would really prefer that they stayed with me. My abuser seems now to be upping his bribery of older teen to cement their relationship by getting older teen involved in his hobby – he is (and I see now, always did) trying to make child into his ‘mini-me’. Older teen always idolised their father and although stands up for father in the dispute about younger teen having contact with their dad, older teen does acknowledge how I was treated. It seems older child is in denial about how they as children were treated, and the effect of growing up in the abusive, egg-shell walking environment. I don’t want to confront him with the truth too much at once and risk that they then react by rejecting me and younger teen in favour of father who I see is love-bombing older teen, with expensive gifts etc, and I suspect triangulating teens off each other (by putting older teen in the middle of him and younger teen with respect to being upset about lack of contact).

      Sorry so long (and probably very confusing!) a message – thanks for reading if you managed to get this far. It helps just to get it all out. My heart is breaking at the effect he has had on my children – they are jaded and cynical beyond their years, self-esteem is at rock-bottom, their motivation at school has dropped so they haven’t reached their full potentials. I’m so bloody angry that he has not only affected my life in this negative way, but has affected, and will continue to affect my children’s lives; despite his protestations that he has been nothing but a good husband and father. Blegh!

      Iwillbeok (and so will my children!) x

    • #62293
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Thanks KIP, I had suggested burning a letter with everything child wants say. Child is stubborn (😁) and thinks this won’t help.

      I will continue to encourage this idea. Whatever child writes to him wouldn’t be the full edit of emotions anyway, so doubt this would actually help child in the end. All it does then is re-open the communication for him to deny, downplay and gaslight his way out of child’s concerns.

      I did think the courts would hardly force an older child who can speak their mind to go into a situation where they feel unsafe – but you do read the most stupid decisions and lack of justice doesn’t instil much faith in the legal system!

      Iwillbeok x

    • #62200
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Hi BaggyTrousers,

      Not so different from me! The scales fell from my eyes quite rapidly when my ex decided to up the abuse and rape me. It was only in hindsight that the puzzle pieces fell into place – I had been in an abusive relationship for decades!

      Over a period of a number of years I had gone so numb and “inside myself” that I didn’t feel much of anything anymore – let alone any love or like for him anymore. My subconscious/intuition (call it what you will) I think had already figured out what was going on. I discovered once the F.O.G lifted that I had been saving bookmarks about Nar***sm and other relationship stuff trying to figure out what was going wrong (ie what I was doing wrong – ha!). I had saved poems and quotes on Pinterest that showed that I was under pressure and not happy.

      After an initial “poor him” following his arrest, and long chats with very supportive people – I threw that, and any trauma bonding off quite quickly. Any contact now I see as an old habit in me of jumping to his needs, not a real fear of being sucked back in (but I still wont answer and take that risk!!).

      White Rose couldn’t have put it any better for my circumstances!

      I think I fell out of love (and even like) with him a long time before things came to a crisis. I just couldn’t/didn’t see a way out, or even that I needed to.

      Iwillbeok x

    • #62198
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Does this mean that if he was arrested but not charged that information would not be available to someone under Claire’s Law? If not, is this something I can request be added to his record?

      Iwillbeok x

    • #62025
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Hi Itwillbeokay,

      I agree with other’s replies above – it would serve no purpose. My husband also said I was planning to divorce him all along and that he was the victim and I the abuser. Said I had made up the sexual coercion and rape. What he did to me, you could not make up! It was, and still is all about him, how he is the victim in all this.

      I agree, write the letter and tear it into tiny pieces. You will not get acknowledgement of his behaviours. You will not get an apology. They know full well what they are/were doing, but are in some deluded fantasy that it is justified.

      I have found journaling very helpful. It is a safe place to get all the feelings out. Sometimes its just a few words and others it may start off fairly tame but can be full of rage and swearing by the end! I’ve tried ‘writing’ him a letter (never intending to send) before but can’t seem to get past his name! There is still just too much, don’t know where to even start?! Sometimes my journaling will switch from ‘him’ to ‘you’ mid writing but this is as close as I have got!

      Stay strong hon,

      Iwillbeok

    • #62017
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Thank you baggy trousers, you are spot on. Where you write

      He knows you are a caring forgiving person. He knows that you like to do the decent thing. He know this because you’ve shared all of this with him and he uses your truth and your character to give him what he needs. He knows you will be agonising over whether to reply or not.

      has really struck a cord with me. While I was left reeling that I had been married to an abusive stranger, who I’ve only been able to ‘piece together’ from reading (The Dominator, Lundy Bancroft, other ladies experiences from on here) and applying it in retrospect to him; he knows all about me. All my fears, all my empathy, etc.

      But what he no longer knows about me is how much stronger I am, how much more supported I am, how much more informed I am and how much more intuitive I am!

      Iwillbeok x

    • #61854
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Thanks hon,

      I think this is half the problem – on the surface and in any other rational situation this looks like a reasonable request. I need to remind myself that he was not a reasonable man (except when it suited him) and he did not behave reasonably towards me. I became so conditioned to catering to his every need that I began to feel that I was the unreasonable one if I wanted to decline (of course I never did because early on it was pointed out to me how unreasonable or selfish I was being!)
      .

      My gut says “you don’t actually need this info, you are just fishing for a reason to contact” like you say HLJ, testing the waters, so I shall listen to her. Ignoring my gut got me in this decades long mess, listening to my gut got me free!

      Thanks,

      Iwillbeok x

    • #61819
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Hi ftc, sorry to hear you are also struggling in the heat but glad to see you can still find the positives. I did not enjoy today at work it was so hot; I felt quite ill at times. I was exhausted by the time I got home and new that dear child would need attention and I really wasn’t in the mood to chat incessantly about <insert latest pre-teen obsession here>.

      So – to my positives – by the time I had cooked tea it was cool enough to eat outside. Afterwards we played in the garden – it’s like my pre-teen is able to have a second childhood! We act silly and have a good natter and a giggle. It reminds me how glum it was living with him. He was so negative and sucked the joy out of everything!

      Now we are as silly as we like and giggle our heads off! I allow the kids to wrestle and be noisy, rather than be on tenterhooks that he’s all of sudden going to have reached his limit (very little!) “because it always ends in someone in tears” so to speak.

      I’ve put clean sheets on the bed and they fell lovely and cool.

      iwillbeok x

    • #61749
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Mine was not even knowing that I was in an abusive relationship. Once he escalated the abuse too far and too fast, and I had reached my “f- this!” moment, I made my escape very quickly. I was lucky in many ways – it could have turned out so much worse.

      Iwillbeok x

    • #61723
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Hi itwillbeokay,

      Sorry about your Dad. x

      I decided to divorce as soon as I felt strong enough; I had had some counselling and had reached the definite conclusion that I no longer wanted to be married to this man! There was definitely not going to be any reconciliation. I was technically still his next of kin which meant, as far as I was aware, that he still stood to inherit my assets or make the sorts of decisions that next of kin may make in cases of medical emergencies.

      I just no longer want to be connected with him in any way.

      The reason it has taken so long is because the courts have been backed up and take ages to process anything. I didn’t want to wait for the 2 year separated rule, only to find he may not agree and then have to go down the unreasonable behaviour route anyway. His behaviour was entirely unreasonable and given that he was not charged, I was not going to let him get away with it all together.

      I just want done, now and to move on.

      iwillbeok x

    • #61683
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Hi and thanks for all your thoughts x

      Have decided on a ‘wait n see’ approach. Will monitor how I’m feeling over the next while – I’ve lined up some more counselling, and am trying to on the one hand be gentle with myself and on the other be more disciplined. Trying.

      When I’ve come out of a major slump before there’s been an aspect of euphoria as I would feel SO much better (and also better than when I was with him!). I wonder if this is my mind trying to estsblish a new balance compared to the rollercoaster of both living with abuse for so long (the cycle of relax/adrenalin/relax…), and of the trauma of getting free from him?

      The divorce on the horizon now also is a stressor. The unknown outcome, the unknown crap he may/may not try and land on me, having his treatment of me at the front of my mind all the time, ruminating over how to deal with his family (amicable between us), how the kids will cope through the process etc etc.

      Iwillbeok x

    • #61570
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Thank you for your lovely replies. I feel like I’m slowly clawing my way out. Am going really easy on myself – this is a slower bounce back than I’ve had before and I don’t want to rush it only to fall straight back in the pit.

      Someone in my family (can’t recall who) used to say ‘slowly, slowly catchy monkey’ – it seems to fit right now. 🐒🐒🐒

      Iwillbeok x

    • #61478
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      KIP,

      Your reply gave me goosebumps. Maybe for all my healing, growing and moving on, there is still a lingering denial and minimisation of what he did to me; a desire to push it all down because it all hurts too much. The fear I still have of him; that he will manipulate himself into a position of power over me in the divorce.

      And then as a result I get last week – where my mind says enough; you can’t ignore this anymore and just shuts down.

      I am still part victim; part survivor. My support people say how strong I’ve been and how I’ve gone through a lot and I just give a wry smile and a small nod. I still don’t own my story.

      Iwillbeok x

    • #61474
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      I experienced this too ladies, and was the catalyst to me leaving my marriage. It took me a while to stop calling it sexual coercion, and call it what it was – rape. I did not consent. Being made to repeat consensual phrases does not make it consent. Being threatened with worse sexual acts if I didn’t comply, did not mean me giving in was consent. Fearing that if I kicked up a fuss, he would get violent did not mean I consented. My crying while performing sex acts means that he knew it was not consensual. It was designed to be controlling, punishing and demeaning. He knew exactly what he was doing. He raped me. Over and again.

      As to how I dealt with it, fridges? I’m not entirely sure. I went inside myself, it was like I was someone else; I made plans, I changed his dialogue in my head, and then I escaped. When my gut was screaming at me that I could put up with no more; I ‘said’ enough. Not to him. I called the police. But please, call women’s aid, rape crisis, your GP, domestic violence unit at police – getting out on your own is very scary and very dangerous. Make a plan, get out and make sure you get some specific rape/DV counselling.

      Stay strong, you’re a survivor.

      Iwillbeok x

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